Happiness Fairy

Good morning,

I've been thinking a lot about all of the posts and discussions lately that involve No Contact. Forgive me for sounding ignorant, but how do you do that with kids? We are going through a divorce now and it has been so nice not dealing with the mystery of what I will come home to after work. But, I still have to deal with him because of the little ones (they are 2 1/2 & 1 1/2). On the days he has them I get calls; on the day I have them I get calls. I realize this is yet another prime opportunity for him to exert his expert control and manipulation skills and most times I just let him keep on calling & leaving messages and just ignore. Other times though I feel like they are his kids too and, since we are going through the divorce and soon through mediation, I feel like I have to be on "best behavior" or else I end up seeming like the crazy one.

I thought I would be happier now that I finally went through with this whole divorce thing, but I don't really feel happier; just depressed, confused, and angry.

For those of you out there in a similar situation with kids involved, how are you handling it?

wanttobehealthy

I don't think you can go NC with kids unless there's a restraining order. Like it or not there are parental rights.

I've been handling it by limiting my conversations as best I can to JUST issues about the girls and telling him that if he wants to see them, he needs to ask/propose times and be the one to coordinate it. So far he's seen them very little. Without me playing cruise director and coordinating things for him, apparently it doesn't matter to him.

I do wish I could go completely NC. Hearing his voice or seeing him just angers me beyond belief right now and I have nothing but contempt and disgust toward him (that I feel- not how I act).

Seeking Wisdom

All I can tell you is from my experience, having no contact and moving on with your life ... and away from the insanity of alcoholism - seems about 1000 times harder when you share minor children.

I was told by a counselor once, that if I were to divorce, I would most likely lose the ability maintain total supervision of our then young children. Since my AH had already proven on a number of occasions he would drink and drive with our children ... or supervise them carelessly while he was impaired, I felt like I was stuck in an ongoing relationship just so I could try to protect my kids as best I could. Even with divorce, most of the time there is some type of shared custody arrangements that can be terrifying if the other parent cannot stay sober during these visits. I can still remember as a young child being left in the care of my alcoholic father when my mother was hospitalized - and then being driven around so recklessly while he was so drunk, he ended up being pulled over by police. I lived in fear of having the same thing happen to my children.

The reality is that having children with an active alcoholic can definitely make moving on with your life much more challenging because you will have a life long connection with the parent of your children. Every situation is a little different, but it is not the same as breaking free from an addictive relationship when no children are involved.

I would often dream of being able to pack up and move far, far away from the toxic environment of alcoholism, but unfortunately the courts would not allow this freedom when you share young children. Maybe as the awareness of the true nature of alcohol addiction increases ... our courts will make it easier to assure our children will be protected and cared for only by parents that are alert and sober.

Happiness Fairy

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. My main reason for staying as long as I did was exactly for the point you made seeking wisdom. That he would possibly get shared custody and surprise - he did!!!! It was (and is) so awful. I had everything over the past four years documented and journaled and it was never even taken into consideration! The bottom line was that it was "word" against his and, according to his attorney, I was a classic case of a wife that's positioning for child support! WTF? So, now he gets to have them on overnights and I have to try to block out EVERY STINKING NIGHT that he passed out for the past three years and NEVER ONCE woke up with either of the babies - never even knew they were awake! I guess the courts are just too concerned about being "PC". I my estimation, anyone can make a baby but you have to earn the right to be called a parent. He gets to just skate by as always.

At any rate - I guess I just have to limit every bit of contact with him to facts only. Yesterday he told me I was so cold and distant when he called - really?! REALLY?! What would he possibly think, that I want to act like we are best buds and chat about our personal lives? Not like he ever cared before, so why now?! Sorry for the rant!

Thumper

Here is how I handled it when my soon to be (or recent) ex was still drinking heavily and acting crazy.

I always picked up the phone if he had the kids. I spoke about the kids in as short a sentence as possible. If he deviated from talking about the kids I got off the phone.

I never picked up the phone if the kids weren't with him. Never. We don't text so that wasn't an issue.

I did email. I emailed him information about the kids. All the info that was outlined in the visitation guidelines and then just any info I thought a parent might want to know. He never responded to those but it was me keeping my side of the street clean so to speak. He sent many many long, crazy, abusive, manipulative emails. I ignored them. I only responded to kid related topics and nothing else.

I saw him during drop off times because I always walked the kids in etc. I ignored any talk that was not chit chat about the weather (not much of that) or child related. If he started in I would literally turn around and not face him until good byes were said to the kids etc. and then I left. My counselor said I could have some canned answers in my head but for me it was easier to ignore then to respond, even if I was prepared with an answer. There was nothing left to say. He was impossible to talk to. It upset me. There was just no point. I was past wanting to defend myself and so he can just live in whatever reality he wants to. It was no longer mine.

I used to email him and try and arrange visitation 'to be fair' etc. I eventually got to the point where I took the visitation guidelines, made the schedule, sent it to him...and let it be. I didn't call him, double check, try to make arrangements or anything. If he contacted me to make arrangements - great. If he did not they just didn't see him. This helped on several different levels.

You really need a rubber suit because IME - he lobbed all kinds of nasty, hurtful, manipulative bombs my way. Ignore and let them bounce. Do the next right thing and be careful not to try and manage his relationship with his children. I had lots of advice along that lines from SR when I was going through this and there was a learning curve but now, I see the 'hands off their relationship' as the only healthy way to handle the situation for everyone involved. Including the kids. It has been easier for them to accept the way things are if they don't see me going crazy over it ya know? I tried to hide that but they can see the emails, the waiting for an answer, the missed plans. It is a lot of chaos for them that went away when I took a giant step back and stayed out of it.

Happiness Fairy

Thumper, thank you SO much. That really makes sense and I'm going to try and apply it. my A sounds just like yours - impossible to talk to, manipulative, hurtful, controlling. I guess I've just been conditioned for so long that I feel as if I HAVE to talk to him and answer his calls. Basically continuing to get sucked back in which just leaves me sad and depressed. I'm definitely going to take your advice regarding the phone calls. I'll answer when he has them and ignore them when he doesn't. He'll just leave me a nasty voice mail anyway.

I'm going out to purchase my rubber suit today as I'm going to need it!!!!!