transformyself

Something has shifted in me, when folks ask me to do something that I know I don't want to do, I ordinarily avoid that person and situation. Amazing to realize, after all I thought I was a pretty strong person.


But something amazing has happened recently and somehow, I'm able to say, Nope, can't do that, to business collegues and friends. It's stressful, initially, but I'm able to walk myself through it, send the email or call them back and say, "sorry that doesn't work." I'm even able to do it without back peddling and making myself look foolish. It feels great to do this without hostility, which is my default mode.

Anyone else got some wisdom or stories about just saying no?

Tally

I used to just do it, resent it and then get angry with them about it.
I can say no a lot easier now a days. Sometimes I might just ignore a specific request but most times I can just say "no, sorry, can't today", sometimes I can even do it without explaining myself and giving excuses. Still feel a bit guilty sometimes though.

lillamy

This is the big thing for me. I still feel like I have to have an excuse or explain. I've taken to writing long e-mails and then deleting all the explanations an just saying "That doesn't work for me." I still get a little nervous every time I do it, but it feels great, too.

m1k3

Hello, my name is Mike and I'm a yesaholic.


Isn't it funny how such a little word is so hard to say?

I have working on this and I'm getting better at it. If someone asked me to do something I felt I had to say yes no matter how much I resented them for asking.

Now, I can say no, and sometimes it's guilt free. Progress not perfection.

I have been practicing saying "No, I don't want to" to myself during the day.

It helps.

wister

:rotfxko

I struggled with saying no earlier today. I had a perfectly good reason beyond not wanting to, I was already committed, but I still entertained the idea of saying yes.

Progress not perfection......

TakingCharge999

LOL m1k3

NO is my favorite word.

I love to say "No thank you".


Got no stories. But I support you, transformie, and everyone else learning and practicing this difficult art ...

transformyself

You guys kill me.

What I"m experiencing lately is a little different than folks asking me to do things for them, I'm having to say no to people who want to do things with me, it's political. I'm organizing a press conference and rally and the number of people who aren't qualified to speak far outweigh those who are. So having to say no to folks who want to speak or be on the steering committee is the specific thing I'm experiencing right now.

In the end, it's a trick to still be compassionate. I am finding roles for these folks, just not waht they're asking for.

Some people, on the other hand, I just say no to and stay away from. It's part of recongnizing energy suckers, addicts and other folks I just dont' want to work with. Weird....

onceuponatime2

I'm getting better at this. I used to say yes to everything and then resent it. I know what you mean about the energy draining people who won't take no for an answer.

lillamy

I've started using this with telemarketers. And cashiers who ask if I want to donate $1 to whatever their cause is that day. Hey, you have to start small. Couple of years and I might be able to say it when it really matters!

wellnowwhat

I feel like a bit of "odd man out" on this topic. Because of my intense isolating, I find "no" very easy and "yes" very hard.

"No" seems to be my default answer and I have to convince myself to say "yes" more often.

Growing up my mother always said "no", sometimes without even hearing the question, and I hated it, and now I'm doing it. (sigh)

I read a newspaper article of a recently divorced young women who decided to have a "year of saying yes" to get out of her shell. The drift of the article was that it lead to all sorts of wonderful adventures that she normally would never thought of trying, getting back out into the social scene and a new sense of self-confidence. I try to remember this.

Linkmeister

Had a situation at school recently where I was asked to do something that I felt very uncomfortable doing. The old me would have said yes when I meant no and complained to anyone who listened to my tale of woe.

Today, the new (er) me said no with no explanation, just that the whole scenario wasn't going to work for me, thanks for the offer but no thanks. There were some displeased people but I wasn't one of them. Instead of obsessing why I said yes and how I could get out of the situation, I got on with my day, did what I had to do and had no second thoughts about what I did.

marie1960

Wellnowwhat, I think that saying yes was the basis for the movie, Yes Man, starring Jim Carrey. It was on tv just the other day. First Jim Carrey movie I was actually able to sit through.

wellnowwhat

marie1960: Thanks! I'll have to go look for that movie. I've never heard of it.

StarCat

"Yes" and "No" can both be difficult for me.
I'm getting better with the "yes" part - trying new things, new foods, getting out with a friend when I'd rather sit home and pout - but the "no" still needs work.
It's tricky, sometimes, as well, to figure out which one really is the healthy answer for me.
For example, sometimes it's good to spend some time alone at home to reflect, and recognizing when it's the healthy "I want to be alone to think" versus the unhealthy version... That's easier said that done sometimes.

Thumper

I am getting ever so slightly better but it is something I work on. Something I see and want to address. I feel panicky in some of those situations - like it is dangerous and scary to stick up for myself or voice my own desire/opinion etc. I have a hard time sticking up for myself at all.

My ex is at my house for a week visiting the kids He isn't drinking and his sister is along so I agreed and I'm surviving. I love his sister. She is such an amazing example of someone who has learned how to say no and stick up for herself - all without anxiety! and yet carry on without judgments, resentments, hard feelings, grudges, getting in other people's business, etc. I'm slightly fascinated by her and wish we lived closer and I knew her better. She's been through al-anon and she is an amazing example.....and a stark contrast to all the women on my side of the family. I never knew that kind of relating to the world existed to be honest. It is the first time I've seen it in real life and I want it.

transformyself

.
yes! My sister is like this too, and I want it too!