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She got arrested, again.

Old 08-14-2011, 12:00 PM
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She got arrested, again.

Last night (or early this morning depending how you view that) my daughter Amber got arrested again on alcohol related charges. She callled me from the jail, crying and clearly pretty messed up at 2 in the morning I could barely understand her. Against my better judgment I broke down and went to the police station and bailed her out.

The officer told me she was at Walmart with three other girls. Secuirty was already keepig an eye them because they were being loud and obnoxious. Her and her friend tried to buy a case of Keystone Light and two bottles of Vodka. Apparently the male clerk asked them for IDs and Amber and one of her friends took there shirt and pants off and stripped down to swimsuits and asked if he "needed more ID than this" They danced for him and tried to get him to let them buy more booze (while they were clearly intoxicated) He called secuirty and they called the cops. The cops asked her if she would put her clothes back and she put up a struggle didn't.

For whatever reason I went to pick her up, I got to the jail at three AM, payed her bail. Which she is gonna pay me back at some point this lifetime. She was wearing nothing more than a yellow bikini smelled beer and smoke. She's facing charges for trying to buy alochol underage, underage drinking, public intoxication and a couple other charges of distrubting the peace. The cops told me she threw up in jail. Her make up was dripping down her face and was so **** faced.

She asked me if was finally going to be able to go home and I had to hold back the tears. I took her back to my house and we let her sleep in her room. This morning at 9 we woke her up, hungover terribly. We gave her a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt then my husband asked her wear she stays and he took her there.

I don't know why I busted her out of jail, I guess being a mom just kind of kicked in for me, did I mess up? I feel like all I do with her is mess up, I kicked her out hoping it would be a reality check for her but it seems like she's just drinking more and more. She was supposed to go back to school Tuesday but I highly doubt that will happen with her court that will likely becoming soon and her violation of school probation. She's probably gonna be back here just partying it up. I don't know how to help her anymore.
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:12 PM
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All I can share is I didn't learn a thing as long as my parent bailed me out of my messes, which they did for 10 years after I left home.

There are far worse places to be than jail, guaranteed.

What she learned is if she cries enough, you will bail her out.

I hope she shows up for court when she is supposed to so you don't lose that bail money.

She may have to get a lot worse before she gets any better, hon.

We don't know what her bottom is.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:44 PM
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First off, hugs to you....I can feel your pain all way to Jersey...don't beat yourself up for being human and caring about your child. you can see how far she is falling in the space of a month. I'm sorry i didn't realize she had been arrested earlier, i did not see your post on it.

your daughter needs more help than you can give her. she's not ready to be a student this semester. I know that some have said her nude pictures are college stunts but public stripping for a clerk in walmart??? i think this is a deeper issue with her exibitionaism..(sorry i can't spell today).

If I could 2nd guess her, I would think she is screaming for help. have you thought about what you will do the nexttime? and if she skips court?

again, I am very sorry for all your pain.
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Old 08-14-2011, 01:07 PM
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I'm sorry your daughter is putting herself and you all through this. It would be the most positive outcome of such a negative event if she were to find this her bottom and became willing to take action to begin a new life with recovery as a main focal point. Only she can decide that. I hope you find some peace of mind as you get through this.
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Old 08-14-2011, 01:34 PM
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Recovery is hard. I am finding that out more and more. I though AH had hit his bottom. Turns out I was wrong. I have to stop enabling no matter how much it hurts. His has his own Higher Power.

Praying for you and your daughter. I am sorry you are having so much pain right now.
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Old 08-14-2011, 02:24 PM
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Gosh, I am sorry, yet not suprised.

Unfortunately, until you stops rescuing her she will continue to spiral downhill. You did not help her by bailing her out, perhaps if she spent several nights in jail, she may have reached her bottom, now I don't see it happening anytime soon.

As for returning to school, I do not remember-- are you footing the bill? If so, I wouldn't waste my money, at this point all that she is going to do, is party.

Keep in mind that it is her responsibility to make it to court and handle the reprecussions of her actions. Please try not to jump back in the middle again.

I know that you are hurting and love your daughter, however, if you keep enabling her, you could end up loving her to death.

If you are attending meeting, I would consider ramping them up, this is going to be a difficult time for you, you need to be strong and think with your head, not you heart.

Sending warm hugs your way
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Old 08-14-2011, 02:35 PM
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all I can say is I bailed my son out of jail twice in the past, one for fighting the other for endangering the wellfare of a child, twice was enough for me he still has court dates and its a never ending process, first time I was shocked , the second I could not handle his phone calls so i went to bail him out but if there is a third time I will not even listen to his calls, it seems there are worses things than jail as Ive come to find out the hard way....good luck
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Old 08-14-2011, 02:36 PM
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Sheneedshelp, I'm so sorry I don't know what I would do if it were my child and not my husband. One thing I know is that I often prayed that the police would arrest him drinking and driving (I've already called the police to warn them of this) so that he would wind up in jail just so I would know he's not a threat to himself or anyone else. Maybe facing the consequences might turn the light bulb on for her.
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Old 08-14-2011, 06:40 PM
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Thank God for the alcoholics who post on this family board. You'll never know how much your input means. I can't put into words why that is but those are the posts that have the most meaning to me. Thank-you.


Sheneedshelp, I am so sorry for what you're going through. You feel guilty no matter what you do. I guess that's what you have to tell yourself next time you get that call. I went through some tough times with my oldest daughter when she was a teenager. I had her arrested and later I had a social worker come to our home and take her to a group home. Both times were pure hell, my husband thought I was evil. She didn't come back perfect that's for sure but did much better. She survived though and she's doing great now - a productive member of society and a great mom. I've tried, now that she's an adult - to talk to her about what I did but she won't discuss it. I've told her it was a desperate move on my part - a last resort.

What really helped me back then was to have her counsellor and the counsellor I was seeing for myself both tell me to call the police. Knowing I had the back up of professionals really helped me. I wasn't being cruel, I did what I had to do.

It sounds like you have your husband's support. If you haven't done so already try to get an addiction counsellor for yourself. The right professional to validate you and make decisions with you is a really big help.
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Old 08-14-2011, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by danielleinto View Post
Thank God for the alcoholics who post on this family board. You'll never know how much your input means. I can't put into words why that is but those are the posts that have the most meaning to me. Thank-you.
It's because they help talk to that nagging voice in the back of our minds, the one that says that the alcoholic needs us and will suffer horrible fates if we don't help, and it will be all our fault.

It's one thing for someone who is not an alcoholic to say that the alcoholic needs to experience the consequences of their own actions in order to change is one thing. Sure, we know what happened in our case, but it's hard decisions, and it's difficult to convince ourselves that not helping is the best way to help.

It's something else entirely for a recovery alcoholic to say the same thing. These are people who have been there, and come out the other side. They know what helped them, and what slowed them down. They know what they needed to finally decide things really were going to change this time.
The recovering alcoholics on this forum have been on the front line. They know what they're talking about, and it didn't come from any book or slogan, it came from real blood, sweat, and tears. It's genuine, heartfelt, and more important than anything else, it's the truth, which is something people like us are not used to hearing.

That is why it helps so much. That is why the only person I trusted early in my own recovery was a recovering alcoholic with quite a few years under his belt. He didn't give me the answers, how to fix XABF or to fix myself, and he openly admitted that he had no idea what I was going through, only that it was very difficult... In spite of all of this, he gave me the most important gift of all...
My sanity.
He walked into the dark closet of alcoholism and lit up all the secrets inside, as bright as day. And I knew I didn't have to carry around the lies anymore, that there was no shame in the truth, and no wrong to be done by admitting it.

That God for the recovering alcoholics who come here and share their stories.
They're some of the strongest, bravest people I know.
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Old 08-14-2011, 09:58 PM
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Originally Posted by danielleinto View Post
Thank God for the alcoholics who post on this family board. You'll never know how much your input means. I can't put into words why that is but those are the posts that have the most meaning to me. Thank-you.
As a recovering alcoholic it is really good to hear this.

Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp
I don't know why I busted her out of jail, I guess being a mom just kind of kicked in for me, did I mess up? I feel like all I do with her is mess up, I kicked her out hoping it would be a reality check for her but it seems like she's just drinking more and more. She was supposed to go back to school Tuesday but I highly doubt that will happen with her court that will likely becoming soon and her violation of school probation. She's probably gonna be back here just partying it up. I don't know how to help her anymore.
To be blunt yes I think you screwed up by bailing her out. And bailing her out is NOT helping her. However, in case you are not aware, you can have have the bail bond company re-arrest her at any time for any reason or no reason, and they will keep her in jail until her court date or until someone else bails her out. I strongly urge that you do this, especially if she goes back to her partying ways.

My last stint in jail (5 days for an auto accident while drunk) I was going to be let out after midnight after 3 days - on a Friday - to ease overcrowding. Us drunks/druggies knew enough to go in on Tuesday because they always let out people early to ease weekend overcrowding. 3 of us had it all planned, there was a bar withing walking distance of the jail and we were going to go there, get lit up, and I was going to buy us a cab home. The jail, knowing how people like us think, didn't release us until 3:15am when the bars were closed.

As you can tell, I was in no way, shape or form ready for recovery at that point. Nothing could help me until I was ready.

3 years later, I found sobriety and AA on my own. No rehab, no court order, no angry SO, No threats from my boss, etc., I was just ready. As I have heard in AA about working with newcomers:

If they are not ready (for recovery) then nothing you can say is right. If they are ready, then nothing you can say is wrong.
Have you looked at Al-Anon meetings yet? I highly reccomend it.

Good luck.
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Old 08-14-2011, 10:08 PM
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Hugs, I can't imagine what you are going through.

Perhaps you can change her contact name to "You can kill me with love", "Let me hit my bottom" or something similar, so next time she calls, you refrain from answering?
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Old 08-15-2011, 08:09 AM
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I can only say that refusing to bail out my daughter and making her sit in jail for four days was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She had just turned 18 so it was 'big girl' jail. I am so sorry for your pain
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