Newbie
 

Hi, I'm new...My husband is an A. I'm totally confused, lost, hurt, scared and just trying to gain the strength to do what is right for my son and I. Not sure which direction to go, as all directions taken so far have gotten me no where. I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 6. About two years ago, I finally had enough and asked him to leave. That was on a Friday. On Sunday, we decided to meet, as a family, for breakfast. While at breakfast, he received a call that his best friend had commited suicide. Because my husband was staying in a hotel, his friend had called several times the night before, but my husband was embarrassed and didn't answer. So needless to say, I felt that I couldn't leave him alone to deal with this. He came back home. Things have been a roller coaster ride ever since. How do I know what's right?

I think you answered it.

And where do I get the courage to do it again? That's what stinks, I know in my head but still the lack of courage is what gets me.

The courage comes from being a mom who has a child that needs you to be strong, he can't do it by himself you're his strength. If you found the courage once you will find it again. Did you have peace when you separated from him the last time if so dwell on that and not on your AH and his needs. I had to come to terms with my AH that he will continue drinking if I'm with him or if I'm not with him the only difference will be my life will change if he goes.

Welcome to SR. The strength is a tough one. It helps to have lots of support. Al-anon is a good step for the in person support needed. I personally have been glued to these forums to help deal with my emotions regarding my AH. You cannot change his actions or behavior. The only thing you have control of is yourself and your actions. Take care of yourself and your son first. Only you can be the one to decide on your own boundaries and to when you have had enough.

I encourage you to go to Al-anon to help you find out what your boundaries are and for you to get the personal support to help with the strength. I wish all the best of luck to you, and I do know how it feels to be so confused. Please continue to post on here for the SR support; it has been so wonder for me.

The courage to do the right thing comes from looking in your sons eyes, seeing his confusion, his pain and in knowing that it is your responsibility to protect him, children need to know that they are safe and will not be subjected to a toxic home enviorment.

Children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. Do the right thing for your son.
Your husband is an adult and responsible for himself.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I don't have a lot of support, thus the reason I joined. :-) I thank you for the encouragement and words of wisdom. I do love my son more than anything and that is sometimes the heartbreak in making this difficult decision. My husband is an excellent father, as long as he's sober. I get the point by the second half of the sentence....it's just tough sometimes. I pray and pray and pray...

For me it is tough pretty much all of the time, and I feel like a very weak person, but somewhere inside I found the strength to finally standup for myself. If I could do it I am sure anyone can.

I could go on and on regarding the negative effects living in the home of an alcoholic has on a child.

Why, because that was my childhood, and, I bear the scares yet today, and I am 64, have had countless hours of therapy, made some real bad decisions in my life, because monkey see, monkey do, dysfunction was all I knew.

I am still a work in process, and to be totally honest, I still harbour resentment towards my parents, it was all so unnecessary, one responsible parent could have made a real positive difference in my life.

I posted here several days ago that I had let my 15-year-old son down by allowing my ABF back into our home. He chose to go and live with his father as he could not stand to be around the ABF any longer. I felt so much guilt and shame over my decision and admitted this to everyone here. I read and re-read the posts from the folks here for the next couple of days. It became very obvious to me that I had reached my rock-bottom with my A. I ended the roller-coaster ride for good three days ago.

I am so happy to report that I took my son school-clothes shopping today and out to lunch. I asked him if he wanted to go back to his dad's and he said that he wanted to come over to my house. He told me just a little while ago that he is going to spend the night here :)

I know our situations are different in that you and your son live with your AH. I guess my point is that nothing is more important than being strong for our children. As someone said in an earlier post, your AH is an adult; he can take care of himself. Good luck.

Peace.

Maureen

I posted here several days ago that I had let my 15-year-old son down by allowing my ABF back into our home. He chose to go and live with his father as he could not stand to be around the ABF any longer. I felt so much guilt and shame over my decision and admitted this to everyone here. I read and re-read the posts from the folks here for the next couple of days. It became very obvious to me that I had reached my rock-bottom with my A. I ended the roller-coaster ride for good three days ago.

I am so happy to report that I took my son school-clothes shopping today and out to lunch. I asked him if he wanted to go back to his dad's and he said that he wanted to come over to my house. He told me just a little while ago that he is going to spend the night here :)

I know our situations are different in that you and your son live with your AH. I guess my point is that nothing is more important than being strong for our children. As someone said in an earlier post, your AH is an adult; he can take care of himself. Good luck.

Peace.

Maureen

Sorry for the double-post! Not sure why that happened?

Hi lovelife,
This sentence is a contradiction,

An excellent father does not hurt his son, (hurt can also mean: ignoring a problem, dismissing input from loved ones, abandoning yourself, setting a bad example)
An excellent husband does not hurt his wife,
An excellent man does not hurt anyone,
And there will be no peace nor sanity if he is still an active addict and you keep ignoring his problem.

Its really sad that his friend died but this man is an adult and he can get help to cope with his issues and with the mourning stages. The only ones who can help him are: doctors, AA, therapists, rehab.

Your son is learning its ok to drink, would you like to see him drinking and treating his own family this way in the future..? what would you feel if his future wife said she was "lost, confused, hurt and scared"? Your decisions now are far-reaching. I type this not as judgment but right now I am seeing the life of my sister (who just had a baby) and how her husband is acting JUST like my dad did: not an addict but SELFISH, leaving her alone to do and solve everything, not a constant, reliable, trustable presence in the baby's life nor in my sister's life. All this pain is unnecessary.



Your decisions now can change the story for you and for your kid.

All the best, you can do this.

As an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) I can tell you it has a very real impact on you. as a child you usually have one or two special wishes, a pony or Disney World or something like that. Mine was I wish I was dead. You don't want that for your child.

So, go to Al-Anon and get the tools you need to improve yourself, your life and the life of your child.

Your friend,