PrettyViolets

So a couple of years, I decided to go back to church due to my husband's alcoholism. I used to think that it was just God's way of getting me to go back to church. And I got involved with a community group at a church. We would get together and have dinner together and then talk about the sermon that week. I started to develop good Christian friends that helped me through the most difficult times that my husband and I were separated and through the times that we got back together and then my husband went through relapses. Those Christian friends were also there during my two miscarriages and when my son was born this past May of 2010.

The community groups went through some changes, and I did not feel like I fit into my current community group. And I wanted to leave the group and try out other community groups at the church. My current community group leader told me that he did not want me to leave and that I needed to tell him if I had any concerns about the community group. And then it was suggested that I try the "free counseling" at the church in order to work out the concerns that I had with my current community group. I thought if anything I could also work through some past issues at the same time. I signed an agreement at the beginning of the counseling, and I took it to mean that if I did not do what they told me to do that they could end the counseling. The counseling went good at first. But then it started to not really help. And I decided to politely end the counseling due to conflicts. The next couple of weeks were a nightmare with them keeping on insisting that I come back in for counseling.

And then, I was sent a church discipline letter. In that church discipline letter, I could not attend any community group or church event unless I immediately reported to certain leaders and repented of my sins--1) to overlook the sins of others, in a loving way 2) to repent of my sins 3)because I was out of community. As well, I was to repent because I did not trust them. And the worst part of it was that leaders and a close Christian friend and her husband that I thought so highly of were all included in the email--and it was basically "This is their way of loving "me". This was not a convicting experience for me, it was a very condemning experience for me.

As a wife of a recovering alcoholic, it completely broke my heart to know that I would ever see this side of my church. I have gone through enough abuse with my husband's alcoholism. I have overlooked more sin with my husband's alcoholism, in a loving way. I have needed to be dependent on God, trying to pray so many times when my husband went through relapses, trying to get through those times and protect my son from seeing his father go through a relapse.

As well, it was probably my crazy anger that got me to start taking care of myself, go to Al-Anon, set good boundaries with my husband which included that he could only stay together with me if he got a job and if he was sober (I am not a doormat).

Anyway, I left this church at the end of July. I just could not live this way in my faith. And I felt it was a little cultish as well. It was beyond painful to discover the truth. I felt very betrayed by my good Christian friend.

I am now going to a new church with my son. And I am happier with this church's children program and other aspects of the new church. The new church is actually in the denomination that I grew up with.

And I have started to go to a professional Christian counselor. It will cost some money, but she was willing to put the fee on a sliding scale due to my son's cost. I feel this will be a healthier outlet where I can reallly work through my current issues as well as past issues and have the confidentiality that I truly need as well as the most loving advice on how to handle issues in the future.

I realize that everyone on this forum has different opinions on religion and on which church is the best for them in their faith. I just wish I would have slowed down, did more research on the church that I was attending, checked out reviews, and tried out different churches. As well, the "free counseling" at that my previous church was not really free.

I know for me that I need that church that I attend to be a safe place for my son and I. I am just hoping that the new church will be a better experience. And I am thinking that I really need to start going back to Al-Anon again-- I really need that outlet of talking to people who know how I really feel having an alcoholic/recovering alcoholic in their life.

yorkiegirl

PrettyViolets,

Warm and gentle hugs to you. . .

I think going to Alanon and finding a supportive environment would be good.

I'm not a "church" or organized religion person myself *but* if it brings comfort to someone and helps in one's recovery, I am all for it! It sounds like your new church is a much better environment and better fit for you and your son. I hope it works out for you.

I believe in loving Higher Powers that forgive, that understand our human shortcomings, that support and love unconditionally that gently guide, that protect, etc. (kind of the the higher powers described in Alanon). Our higher powers (and our relationship to our higher powers) whether through an organized religion, a church, or whatever should feel safe and supportive. We should feel absolutely loved.

If for some reason, your new church doesn't work out, there are plenty of churches. If being part of a church is something that is important to you, I'm sure you will find one that works well for you and your son. Hoping for the best for you and your son.

Good luck.

bonami

PrettyViolets, you absolutely should feel comfortable and welcome at your place of worship, so you made a good choice to find a new church for you and your son. Good luck with the counseling and your decision to return to Alanon!

Sylvie66

Wow. Good for you for recognizing what your HP is for you, and that the community support that had been in one place is available somewhere else. That recognition, and the willingness to take action, are brave things to do.

- Sylvie

BeingStill

I've never heard of such a thing. Talk about judgmental! It must have felt like such a violation to have that letter sent to others. This doesn't sound like the Christianity I know. I'm happy you found a new place where you feel accepted for who you are.

kmangel

When I first became aware of my then teenage son's involvement with drugs and alcohol, I turned to God in earnest. I was like a lot of kids growing up--raised with going to church and religion classes--but when I became an adult (other than from time to time) I did not attend any church. I did pray when I ran across roadblocks to what I wanted in my life. The situation of my son using drugs and alcohol was a real eye opener. I began praying to God at that time. I knew something was dreadfully wrong, but I knew I couldn't fix him by myself. Without going into details, I "heard" God tell me that if I wanted Him to help me, to go back to church.

Fortunately for me, I found a good, nurturing church family straight away. I feel for what you have experienced because religion can bring out the worst in people. What I found in that church were people to pray with and for me as I walked through those difficult days of my son's drug and alcohol use.

As a funny side note, my son said to me several years after we as a family began going back to church that had he "been good" (not used drugs) would we have not gone back to church? He hated it having never been made to go in the past. I told him that I was grateful for God using him to get my attention. That had I not listened and gone back to church when I did, God probably would have done something even more drastic to get my attention--and I didn't even want to consider what that would have been.

I believe now that every experience we have in this life can be used for good. You had a bad experience in that other church, but I bet in time you are going to be able to help someone else going through something similar to what you went through. Much like we do here. We are all going through some tough times with loved ones that are addicted to drugs and/or alcohol--but we are not alone. We have each other to lean on, pray with and for, and help each other to a better place. That's how our God, our Higher Power, usually works--in and through people just like you and me.

Freedom1990

I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience with that church. I couldn't help but think cult as I read along.

I'm delighted you found a new church for you and your son!

Sending you hugs of support!

lillamy

PrettyViolets --

Good for you for leaving a spiritually toxic situation. Here's my thing: If I have to obey other people and trust a pastor for my spiritual health, I start grabbing for my gun. Because that is -- still -- putting your trust in people. And people aren't perfect.

I say any faith organization that needs to have strict rules and discipline people like that lacks a faith in the God they confess. I much more like the pastor I had once (long story coming) and his attitude:

The church was wicked conservative and preached that homosexuality was a sin. The pastor was having his basement redone, and the contractors he hired were a homosexual couple. As if this wasn't offense enough to the church leadership, the pastor *gasp* invited the couple to church! (Oh horror of horrors!) When the church leadership wanted to discipline the pastor, he said, "Hey -- God only told us to be fishers of men; he said nothing about cleaning the catch. You're sitting in judgment over these two men? You'd better be completely sure that your own soul is clean..."

And so, back to you: A church organization that has to force people to the right beliefs does not trust your own relationship with God. It tells you what you're supposed to think the world is like. And honestly? That's just living with an alcoholic, minus the booze.

StarCat

Hooray for you for sticking up for yourself and realizing what you needed to do to be spiritually healthy! I will confess, your experience does seem very "cultish" to me, too.
It's so much easier to judge others than it is to work on ourselves, isn't it? We've all been there and done it on more than one occasion... We're only human. It's really frustrating when this judging is done "on behalf of God," though... Hooray for you for not believing them.

It rather reminds me of a story:


The Cowboy and the Church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.”

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”

“I did,” replied the old cowboy.

“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.

“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He said He’d never been in here before.”

OnMyWay11

Love the cowboy story!!

I stopped going to church when my husband died because I did not "fit the bill" for a woman. I was single and worked full time. I got sick of hearing that I was a poor example for my teen aged daughters as a working mom. I embraced the idea of Martin Luther: every man is his own priest. I have a close relationship with my HP without the intervention of a go-between.

Sadly, often we find people who are too xxxxx(insert whatever religion here) to be Christian. They get too wrapped up in the "rules" of the faith to follow the teachings found in their holy scriptures, be it the Koran, Torah, Bible......