It's been one long year
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
It's been one long year
Yep, it's already been a year that I left my ex A for cheating on me. Then 2 weeks after I left him, I lost my job of 11 yrs.
This has been one of THE toughest years of my life. I religiously went to Al Anon and therapy and worked so hard on me. I continued to do my courses to complete my Naturopathic degree and now work in a clinic and started my own business.
I had little to no contact with the ex because I realized his serious personality issues were too much for even me to take, so cut I it off for good last Winter. He never tired to contact me.
Then about 6 weeks ago, I was ready to make my amends to him. Yep, my amends. I didn't care if he was going to make amends or not, I needed to set myself free from my shortcomings with him.
I contacted him. It was very friendly and polite. We talked about our lives etc. Then he told me he thought about me every day and was so disappointed that we never worked out. I was surpised since he could have care less when I left him a year ago.
I expressed to him how I wanted to make amends so we can let the past be in the past, he agreed.
We met in person, it was really nice to see him. We were happy and comfy like told times. We laughed a lot and really had respect. Then he made amends to me, told me the details of the cheating and why he did it . He realized the verbal abuse and then went on to tell me why he acted this way. I had not been the nicest person and he wanted out. He was happy that I left him because I treated him like sh&t. I was shocked!
Here I was all self-righteous and waiting for more amends when he hit me with that. I wasn't prepared for it! But he was right!
All the things he accused me of, I knew I did, but no one ever called me on it.
Talk about a rude awakening.
FINALLY, all the anger I had at him for cheating was leaving me. It finally made sense. There is NO excuse for cheating, but sometimes, the other person cannot find another way out. I did a lot of horrible things to him.
None of which excuses his bad behaviour, but make sense when done by someone with an addiction.
I've done so much spiritual work in the last year, but never connected the dots because he was always the "cheater and ahole". I blamed and blamed and hated.
Him and I met a few more times to talk, eat, walk and just hang out. We talked about trying again, but there was something he didn't know, I was seeing someone for the last 5 months. He FREAKED...he was so hurt. I would have been hurt too.
His honesty and vulnerability has overwhelmed me since he was not like this a year ago.
He's been sober 3 yrs and attends meetings all the time.
It was hard for me too, cause he's single and has a lot of female friends.
So we decided to stand back because this went from "let's make amends" to "I asked the kids how they would feel if we got back together"
You forget that they still have addictions and personality issues.
My need for control and anger started to seep back in and I had to check myself and start reading my al anon books again and went back to a meeting.
We both have walls so high and I don't trust him. He said he was willing to do whatever it took to get me to trust him, but so far, they have been only words.
I think I'm just talking out loud here to my SR friends just because it's in my head and many of my friends/family don't get it and I need to think this out slowly and make sure I do not make any mistakes
This has been one of THE toughest years of my life. I religiously went to Al Anon and therapy and worked so hard on me. I continued to do my courses to complete my Naturopathic degree and now work in a clinic and started my own business.
I had little to no contact with the ex because I realized his serious personality issues were too much for even me to take, so cut I it off for good last Winter. He never tired to contact me.
Then about 6 weeks ago, I was ready to make my amends to him. Yep, my amends. I didn't care if he was going to make amends or not, I needed to set myself free from my shortcomings with him.
I contacted him. It was very friendly and polite. We talked about our lives etc. Then he told me he thought about me every day and was so disappointed that we never worked out. I was surpised since he could have care less when I left him a year ago.
I expressed to him how I wanted to make amends so we can let the past be in the past, he agreed.
We met in person, it was really nice to see him. We were happy and comfy like told times. We laughed a lot and really had respect. Then he made amends to me, told me the details of the cheating and why he did it . He realized the verbal abuse and then went on to tell me why he acted this way. I had not been the nicest person and he wanted out. He was happy that I left him because I treated him like sh&t. I was shocked!
Here I was all self-righteous and waiting for more amends when he hit me with that. I wasn't prepared for it! But he was right!
All the things he accused me of, I knew I did, but no one ever called me on it.
Talk about a rude awakening.
FINALLY, all the anger I had at him for cheating was leaving me. It finally made sense. There is NO excuse for cheating, but sometimes, the other person cannot find another way out. I did a lot of horrible things to him.
None of which excuses his bad behaviour, but make sense when done by someone with an addiction.
I've done so much spiritual work in the last year, but never connected the dots because he was always the "cheater and ahole". I blamed and blamed and hated.
Him and I met a few more times to talk, eat, walk and just hang out. We talked about trying again, but there was something he didn't know, I was seeing someone for the last 5 months. He FREAKED...he was so hurt. I would have been hurt too.
His honesty and vulnerability has overwhelmed me since he was not like this a year ago.
He's been sober 3 yrs and attends meetings all the time.
It was hard for me too, cause he's single and has a lot of female friends.
So we decided to stand back because this went from "let's make amends" to "I asked the kids how they would feel if we got back together"
You forget that they still have addictions and personality issues.
My need for control and anger started to seep back in and I had to check myself and start reading my al anon books again and went back to a meeting.
We both have walls so high and I don't trust him. He said he was willing to do whatever it took to get me to trust him, but so far, they have been only words.
I think I'm just talking out loud here to my SR friends just because it's in my head and many of my friends/family don't get it and I need to think this out slowly and make sure I do not make any mistakes
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((SummerPeach))) - I recently reconnected with old friends and the thought of making amends to my XABF#1 came to my mind. Family was totally upset, thought I was going to get back with him, asked what the heck I had to apologize for, he was the alcoholic womanizer..yada yada yada.
I calmly explained that I was just as sick as he was. I not only tolerated his behavior, I begged him to keep coming back. I was clingy, desperate and could be a royal b***h when I wanted to.
I still don't know if the opportunity will arise (I'm not going to look for him, but he lives/works in the same town as my friends). Just wanted to let you know I understand the going from blaming him to admitting we had our own issues but are working on them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I calmly explained that I was just as sick as he was. I not only tolerated his behavior, I begged him to keep coming back. I was clingy, desperate and could be a royal b***h when I wanted to.
I still don't know if the opportunity will arise (I'm not going to look for him, but he lives/works in the same town as my friends). Just wanted to let you know I understand the going from blaming him to admitting we had our own issues but are working on them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Thanks for listening TMZ and Amy.
Yeah what an eye opener. I was so lost in my blame for an entire year and little did I even think my actions were just as bad at his deception.
I did some bodytalk therapy and the therapist told me my deception started with me. And I was like "what". She said "you deceive your own being by not being honest and true to who you really are, so you invited deception in your life. If you live in a place of truth, you will find people offer you truth"
things that make you go Hmmmmmm
Yeah what an eye opener. I was so lost in my blame for an entire year and little did I even think my actions were just as bad at his deception.
I did some bodytalk therapy and the therapist told me my deception started with me. And I was like "what". She said "you deceive your own being by not being honest and true to who you really are, so you invited deception in your life. If you live in a place of truth, you will find people offer you truth"
things that make you go Hmmmmmm
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
This is called "acting out"...
When subconsciously you make other people act a certain way.
I just realized this when I was around mom. I usually have a good relationship with her. But some moments I wanted nothing to do with her. I was wondering where that came from.
Then I realized she knows abandonment:
-her dad died when she was 30
-her mom preferred the sons (my uncles) and rejected her in many ways.
-my sister rejects her also (what other example than her denial to let my mom carry her grandchild)
-at work she was rejected often because she was divorced (that was not her fault as the state she lived was conservative like that (stuck in 1800 it seems) ) but there you have another kind of rejection.
She (probably subconsciously) expects abandonment and rejection. Even from the ones who would like to be closer. When I started mentioning something about this she got VERY defensive.
So I realized how you carry these things with you, and others can´t act or be a different way around you... even if someone could have treated you better, your own self boycott and past experience and unresolved issues make them leave right away or treat you badly and in ways that are not true to their heart.
Of course I mention this as normal human relationships, in addiction things are different but anyway, applied to me, all my ex´s were jerks, addict or not, and I was the only common denominator.
Now I am so scared I am running to therapy again. Its a very, VERY sad way to live. Although painful I am glad I am realizing these kind of things about my family and about myself.
It all just a mirror, I abandon myself, I´ll be abandoned in real life. I neglect myself, I will be neglected. I reject myself, I will be rejected. Thats why wonderful things happen when you start loving yourself and cherishing yourself.... boy do I have a long road ahead of me...
Also, recently, an ex contacted me via facebook.. I did not know if I wanted to add him... but, he is a good friend, very interesting.
I like it when you can move on and stay friends with someone who was meaningful at some point. But it has to be sincere from both parts.
Thanks for letting me share.
When subconsciously you make other people act a certain way.
I just realized this when I was around mom. I usually have a good relationship with her. But some moments I wanted nothing to do with her. I was wondering where that came from.
Then I realized she knows abandonment:
-her dad died when she was 30
-her mom preferred the sons (my uncles) and rejected her in many ways.
-my sister rejects her also (what other example than her denial to let my mom carry her grandchild)
-at work she was rejected often because she was divorced (that was not her fault as the state she lived was conservative like that (stuck in 1800 it seems) ) but there you have another kind of rejection.
She (probably subconsciously) expects abandonment and rejection. Even from the ones who would like to be closer. When I started mentioning something about this she got VERY defensive.
So I realized how you carry these things with you, and others can´t act or be a different way around you... even if someone could have treated you better, your own self boycott and past experience and unresolved issues make them leave right away or treat you badly and in ways that are not true to their heart.
Of course I mention this as normal human relationships, in addiction things are different but anyway, applied to me, all my ex´s were jerks, addict or not, and I was the only common denominator.
Now I am so scared I am running to therapy again. Its a very, VERY sad way to live. Although painful I am glad I am realizing these kind of things about my family and about myself.
It all just a mirror, I abandon myself, I´ll be abandoned in real life. I neglect myself, I will be neglected. I reject myself, I will be rejected. Thats why wonderful things happen when you start loving yourself and cherishing yourself.... boy do I have a long road ahead of me...
Also, recently, an ex contacted me via facebook.. I did not know if I wanted to add him... but, he is a good friend, very interesting.
I like it when you can move on and stay friends with someone who was meaningful at some point. But it has to be sincere from both parts.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((TC))) - what you posted is like what I've read here, over and over...when we love ourselves, take care of ourselves, we attract healthier people. I feel like I'm a "bad-boy" magnet, but I'm working on it
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Dr. Phil often says we teach people how to treat us. He describes it as such:
Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.
You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.
Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.
You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.
Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
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