bonami

So the meeting date is set, and the die is cast; I feel like my RA friend/coworker is marching to his impending doom. I don’t think he knows they want him to resign. He still won’t contact me, so I have been trying to be patient and wait him out, but it’s been hard, and now I feel like I will probably never see or talk to him again, unless he has no choice on a work-related communication. I know he’s still in early recovery and I have no idea how he's doing, but the fact that he’s willing to meet with the other boss to discuss his work options (which he may still think are positive), makes me think that he has to be progressing somewhat. So I am just feeling out of sorts today about it all. I know I need to focus on something positive today to try and get him out of my head, but it’s hard when I have to enter the meeting date on the boss’ calendar and it’s staring me in the face. I guess one positive thing is that the situation is going to resolve itself very soon; instead of wasting my energy wondering/waiting whether he is going to come back, I’ll soon know the answer and that will help me move forward. Thank you for listening.

theuncertainty

Hey, Bonami, I'm sorry you're in this position - knowing your friend is probably about to lose his job. These are the consequences of his actions and it's those actions that got him here. As hard as it is to sit back, and knowing that nothing you could have done to help him would have actually helped is just as difficult.

Hang in there.

bonami

Thank you, theuncertainty. This is what I have to keep reminding myself. Those actions have apparently destroyed years of trust that his bosses had in him. He thinks he is getting a "last chance" but he's going to have to choose between new duties that I think are insulting, or agreeing to resign (with a very nice severance package). It's set up so that the only real option that makes sense for him is to resign. So they are not really giving him a true second chance, and I think that's a crappy way to treat him and it's part of why I'm having a hard time with it all. But I know I can't do anything to save him, and I think it's too late for him to save himself, unless he can perform a miracle at that meeting. there was a more sober version of him that would have been able to pull that off, years ago. Not now.

Thanks again for the support!!

Babyblue

Sorry he has not contacted you. He may be just so 'IN' it that right now his circle of people in his life is very limited (family and stuff). If he stays with the company I think eventually he will reach out to you but recovery is such a personal and inward focused task that they say it is selfish to a degree. For some it has to be because of disasterous consequences.

I understand your worry for him but truth is you don't really know what is going on for him or his recovery. He could be doing much better than you think or not.. difficult to say really and it really is for the person in recovery to know how they are because triggers too are very personal.

Hopefully his job stays secure and if so he will gradually reconnect with you. Graaaadually. It is slow process.

bonami

Babyblue, thanks as always for your support. I have to keep reminding myself that he needs to keep his focus on his recovery and on his family.

The not knowing thing is still hard. My boss shared the communication they had about the meeting and my friend seems positive about it. So I sense hes doing ok right now. I do spend time reading the Recovery threads to understand more about what early recovery is like, which I find helpful.

I know, and I am so impatient. But what's bothering me is that his job is not secure; the bosses do not want him to come back, but I don't think he is expecting this. I am just feeling sad about the whole thing, and need to work my way through it. I did send him a short note telling him that whatever happens next, I am still his friend. that's all I can do right now. thanks again for listening!

Babyblue

You have lots of compassion for him and that isn't a bad thing. Just remember that his job situation is a consequence of his alcoholism.

The recovery, mending and rebuilding part takes a long time.

He hasn't reached out to you though so maybe give him room right now. Hard to not know.. believe me since I've been through it.

Feeling sad is ok too but if he is treatment or AA he is getting lots of support.
Plus no one can know for a fact that he has stayed sober either.

I just wonder about the amount of emotional energy you are putting towards a non-bf. Is he putting that amount of emotional energy into you? Something to think about....

bonami

I don't know if he is putting any emotional energy into me, that's true. He's putting in enough to make the choice not to contact me, I suppose. I do know that I'm not his first priority nor should I be. It is also true that he's not my bf but I have known him too long not to care. And frankly, if it was a female coworker and friend going thru this, I would feel exactly the same about the way the bosses are handling the situation. That part is a separate irritation. But I do understand that my RA friend's actions caused these consequences.

I know you have been going through a lot with someone in recovery, so I very much appreciate your words. I know I need to give my friend his space, and to just let whatever happens, happen. I do know all of these things but sometimes the emotion takes over, so it helps a lot to post here and get some sense talked into me. Thanks again.