Mavis1

Hi all, I posted a couple of months ago that my alcoholic husband (ex) had passed away. I went thru a world of hurt with him and now that he is gone, I realize my part in all of it. I know now that in life suffering is optional. I kept contact with a very sick person saying all the time that I still loved him. What I loved was the sober man, the happy, content, sincere, loving and caring person. Alcohol took all that from him and he became a person I didn't know. I held on way too long and I guess i am still beating myself up for offering all that unwanted help to him, that he btw, never asked for. I feel bad and have actually told him in my thoughts that I am sorry for keeping him here way longer then he wanted to stay. He wanted to go, he didn't want to quit drinking. I never accepted that. I do now, I know that he wanted booze more then he wanted me and the kids. We suffered cruelly from all the abuse, not physical abuse but the sort of abuse that you all are aware of that comes from the broken promises and dreams. The embarrassments, the appointments not kept, the bills not paid, the jobs lost, the friends and family that slowly disappear.

This all has left me to focus on myself now. I should have done that years ago, I'm the poster girl for what NOT to do in Alanon. I have learned a very hard lesson in life. I"m not sure of the point of my post, just to say, that there is life after alcoholism, a good life. after I heal, after I've left this behind me I have so much hope now. Not for what was unreal and would have never been but for a life that has peace and serenity in it, one where I can now choose to not be in the presence of abusive people.

Now that I am alone, I have put the focus on me. that is where it belongs, I hope you all can do that either with our without the alcoholic in your lives...it's the best way to live and it's so much easier. Life doesn't have to be so complicated and sad, you don't have to struggle and you too can be happy again. I won't even ever date anyone again that drinks alcohol...there are so many people that don't. that is something I really couldn't bring myself to do. wishing you all peace. m

yorkiegirl

What a moving post, Mavis1. Thank you for this. I can relate to much of what you've written, even if my story is a little different. I think most of us have been the poster person for "what not to do" in Alanon.

Wishing you much deserved peace too, Mavis1. (I hope your AH has found his now that he has passed on, as well).

ninja

Way to go, Mavis! I'm seven years into coming to the realization that you've just had, so don't beat yourself up. My abusive spouse that I hung on to for 25 years, passed away seven years ago and only now am I learning that lesson. The biggest example of continuing to punish myself has been in my living in the house that was neglected so badly due to the alcoholism because I was ashamed of all the things that needed to be done to maintain it that were started and not completed or ignored entirely. Now there are so many I can't do it on my own and I've finally decided all though, I love the place, I'm selling it and moving to a new condo where I won't have to worry and put up with stuff like this for once in my adult life.