Should I care?
 

I've been working really hard on detachment. I'm finding that I'm not at successful at it as I originally thought. For the time being, I'm committed to working on my marriage. I'm pretty sure that my husband is not interested in his own alcoholic recovery. I often feel like I'm the only one who care about getting him better. On the other hand, if he's not interested in getting better, why should I stress out about it?

Anyway, he's taking care of our friends' dogs while they are gone on vacation. I'm pretty sure he's sneaking drinks there, so he doesn't drink in front of me here (I've just recently noticed that his flask has disappeared). Do I ask him about it or should I just let him do whatever, since I can't stop him anyway.

Ugh! I could kick myself! I was doing so well with the detachment and then summer vacation came along and I was home all the time and it started bothering me again. I'm just so mad for letting myself believe that he has the desire to stop drinking and I just get disappointed again and again.

go to AL ANON, and stop the expectations from him....start self care on YOU...it does work if you work this program of AL ANON...trust me...you slowly get YOU back...

these are HIS issues not yours

I'm pretty sure that my husband is not interested in his own alcoholic recovery. I often feel like I'm the only one who care about getting him better.

You cannot "get him better." If he isn't interested in recovery, recovery will not happen. Expecting him to be anything other than he is, is futile and will drive you insane. Yes, get to an al-anon meeting and learn how to have serenity in your own life regardless of what he does.

Do I ask him about it or should I just let him do whatever, since I can't stop him anyway.

You are not "letting" him do anything and yes, you can't stop him. You can only decide how you may react, or not, to this information.

Is this a boundry you've set and now have to uphold?

I used to ask questions like this, but I realized that I usually knew the answer. Somehow though, I wanted to force him to answer. I knew he would probably lie, which would re-enforce my anger, or he would shamefacely admit it (and carry on the same way), which would re-enforce my victimhood.

The question had more to do with me, than him or his drinking.

I know, it's tough, but I have to keep looking at me. Somedays, that kinda sucks. Alanon helps alot!

I'll jump on the al-anon bandwagon as well. It really helps you to get sane.

Remember the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All you can do is work on you.

As for your expectations for him, expectations are future disappointments.

Your friend,

Wellwhatnow- you are absolutely correct. I do not have boundaries set in this case, so if I ask, it would only make me angry. I guess, I want the vodka drinking to be a boundary that he sets himself. I already pretty much know the answer and hearing the answer from him is not going to change what he does. I'll just be aggravated. Thank you for your answer. It really helps clear things up for me.

You have all pretty much reaffirmed what I already know, but I just needed a reminder. I am open to going, but I have two young children and it is not always easy for me to get away. Also, looking at the meetings list, there are not any that fit my needs close by (again, with two young kids, I can't travel too far). I did see that there are meetings that are conducted via internet. Has anyone tried the online Alanon meetings?

I've actually been thinking all day about why I wanted to ask him about sneaking drinks. I really just want him to know that he isn't fooling me and he isn't quite as slick as he thinks he is. Sigh. And I thought he was making some headway in terms of knowing his limits. Vodka and him don't mix. I don't know. Maybe the aggravation isn't worth it...

heres2hope,

I know how you feel. Whenever my A "sneaks" drinks I always want to call him out on it. Usually he's drunk and isn't so sneaky anymore, as he's usually swaying or passed out. But for some reason I have this urge to point it out to him. If anything to show him that he didn't trick me, I know he was drinking, and it's not okay.

Can't really offer any advice, but I know how you feel. Some days we are stronger than others.

All I can add is I detached for MY benefit, not his. He is your husband so detaching may mean something different for you, only you know what aspects of the relationship you can detach from and when you are ready too.

It is ok to be stressed and worried. He is your husband and he has a serious problem. Detachment is about coping, it isn't a miracle cure for stress. Living with an alcoholic would be stressful.

Al anon is a great first step because it focuses on you and how you are handling this.

Letting go of the monitoring of drinking was true serenity for me. My ABF knew I knew anyway. He was with me because I'm so smart!! But being 'right' never got me anywhere. Once I was able to detach from that part, I was able to find myself.

Heres2hope.....

My ah husband when he was in the throws of his addiction would go to our next door neighbors house & raid his liquor cabinet. Our neighbor is retired & is frequently gone. So we check on his house, mail, etc...When it first started, I was confused trying to figure out how he was getting drunk? He confessed during one of our meetings.

You can't change it or control it. Alcoholics will get alcohol anywhere & they r good at it.
Mine drank our cooking wines & hand sanitizers.

But for my own sanity I did have to tell him I knew what he was doing. They think they are so good at fooling everyone. I just couldn't let my ah think that. Even though it only helped me not feel so stupid.

Wishing you good luck on your recovery!

Skipper- lol. My husband always told me that he married me because I'm smart too! I'm wondering if he wishes I weren't so smart now!

I'd be interested in hearing how you let go of the monitoring. That's the part that is the most difficult for me now. Even when I have in my head that it's his choice and I can only control myself and my sons, I can't help but compulsively count cans and search for bottles. It's ridiculous since I know that knowing the amount does not change ANYTHING. It drives me crazy that I do this!

But for my own sanity I did have to tell him I knew what he was doing. They think they are so good at fooling everyone. I just couldn't let my ah think that. Even though it only helped me not feel so stupid.

Barelyhere- I hear ya! I think I'm not going to mention it until he says something about how he only went through one case of beer this week. I'm sure he will mention it at some point and then I can point out that it would be much more impressive had he not also been drinking vodka.

I guess I am kind of passive/aggressive when it comes to the drinking. I've tried being aggressive and it completely blew up in my face.

Somewhat this is all about your lack of acceptance of his drinking. You have acknowledged that you cannot stop him from drinking, yet, you continue to play detective so you can say "Aha, see, here is the proof, I got ya". And, I would assume that playing Sherlock Holmes has not stopped him from drinking, so, I ask: What's the point?

I believe that you posted that you are going to stick with him, drinking or not, so, why not just accept the fact that he is an alcoholic, and, figure out how to live with him.

Go to meetings, work on you, he is an adult, he will do what he is going to do, confronting him does nothing to improve the situation, for you or him.

If the meetings do not help you, then I would consider therapy.

Well, if you do call your husband on his suspected drinking you will be telling him you can't be fooled. He may then decide to bring it all back out into the open in front of you again. That has happened to me--not with alcohol but with cigarette smoking. Should have kept my mouth shut!

I didn't ask my husband if he was sneaking drinks. I told him everyone knew he was drinking - everyone. That threw him for a loop.

My brother-in-law found my husband on his ass on the sidewalk one day. He was angry but helped him up and then left him there. My sister told me about it and I told my husband the next day. He was sorry for the shame it brought on us. I told him that everyone knew he had a problem. He wasn't fooling anyone, the whole building knew. We live in a highrise and I'm the asst. manager here. Alcoholics think they're hiding it - especially when they're not stumbling drunk. I didn't tell him so that it would wake him up. I told him I didn't care what he did and that what he did had no reflection on me.

I don't go to alanon. I went a few times and wasn't comfortable with the jargon and there was no feedback. I like the idea of a support group though. Read, read and read some more. A little at a time sunk in for me. It's so complex that there was no way I could get it all at once.

Don't ask, learn to trust your gut. They have a way of screwing with your head. If you think he's drinking he likely he is. You won't get the truth from him. He's an alcoholic and it's what they do. Questioning your judgment will make you nuts.

Another proponent of Alanon here. It will help you get your eyes off of him and back onto yourself. It's a miserable way to live monitoring someone else's drinking. It changes nothing and drives you bananas.

Sending you hugs of support! :hug: