OT Need objective opinions ...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
OT Need objective opinions ...
SR friends,
I was awake all night wondering something..
OK, so my mom (who I love very much but she is Codie queen and I am accepting she might never change..) is moving to my city.
She will come back in 2 weeks to start looking for a house.
The money is not too much so it won't be a very nice house. But she wants me to put it under my name as I will inherit it eventually (so we save money in transactions later on when her time comes..). So it will be "my house". Or my problem.
Then, I got the chance to ask for some $ to buy a house of my own. Its like a half of the amount my mom has.
I was thinking, why don't I put this $ so we buy a better house instead of 2 bad ones? although that would mean I would have to
1 move in with her, and risk the recovery I am already starting to feel,
2 pay for the house, but keep renting elsewhere. Eat tuna sandwiches. Be even more broke. But not go crazy living with her.
I am not going to become a millionaire and right now I have spent so much in rent I am starting to think its a good idea to invest in property and be broke but at least investing in something I will enjoy at some point.
My therapist doesn't think its a good idea to live with her, and I dread the idea too but I look at the houses either she or I could buy and its not only the house but the safety and neighborhoods that concern me.
Or am I all wrong and should separate finances altogether??
(Impurrfect what do you think..?)
I was awake all night wondering something..
OK, so my mom (who I love very much but she is Codie queen and I am accepting she might never change..) is moving to my city.
She will come back in 2 weeks to start looking for a house.
The money is not too much so it won't be a very nice house. But she wants me to put it under my name as I will inherit it eventually (so we save money in transactions later on when her time comes..). So it will be "my house". Or my problem.
Then, I got the chance to ask for some $ to buy a house of my own. Its like a half of the amount my mom has.
I was thinking, why don't I put this $ so we buy a better house instead of 2 bad ones? although that would mean I would have to
1 move in with her, and risk the recovery I am already starting to feel,
2 pay for the house, but keep renting elsewhere. Eat tuna sandwiches. Be even more broke. But not go crazy living with her.
I am not going to become a millionaire and right now I have spent so much in rent I am starting to think its a good idea to invest in property and be broke but at least investing in something I will enjoy at some point.
My therapist doesn't think its a good idea to live with her, and I dread the idea too but I look at the houses either she or I could buy and its not only the house but the safety and neighborhoods that concern me.
Or am I all wrong and should separate finances altogether??
(Impurrfect what do you think..?)
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Well, I'm not impurrfect, but I'll throw this out there. I, too, love my mother more than anyone in the world, but I could not live with her again. We are just too different. It's not a matter of one of us being right and the other being wrong, it's just a different way of looking at things and general personality differences.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My two cents?
It seems to me you've been doing well with your current living situation. It works for you.
Why screw up a good thing by getting involved financially with your mother?
There are times I wish I had a place of my own instead of renting.
Then the main pipe backs up or the furnace goes out or a pipe breaks, and I'm glad it's up to the landlord to fix it.
Maybe my own house is in the future, maybe it isn't.
For today I'm okay with where I am at.
It seems to me you've been doing well with your current living situation. It works for you.
Why screw up a good thing by getting involved financially with your mother?
There are times I wish I had a place of my own instead of renting.
Then the main pipe backs up or the furnace goes out or a pipe breaks, and I'm glad it's up to the landlord to fix it.
Maybe my own house is in the future, maybe it isn't.
For today I'm okay with where I am at.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Moving back in with a parent is a big step, and sometimes we have no choice. It's quite common for elderly parents to move in with their children to avoid nursing homes, and sometimes adult children have to move in with parents because of financial problems.
As you indicate, the family dynamics can be challenging, to say the least. You're probably the only one who can say for sure whether you'll be able to tolerate it.
I will advise that you check out the tax implications of her buying a house in your name, or giving you money to buy a house, etc. It may not be a problem, but just check with a tax accountant to be sure.
Good luck.
As you indicate, the family dynamics can be challenging, to say the least. You're probably the only one who can say for sure whether you'll be able to tolerate it.
I will advise that you check out the tax implications of her buying a house in your name, or giving you money to buy a house, etc. It may not be a problem, but just check with a tax accountant to be sure.
Good luck.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
I just don't understand when people say that they want to put the house in the childrens name to save money. I don't know what state you are in but you should do some research. Mom can buy a house and will it to you so when she dies it will go to you. You will probably have to go through Probate but it really isn't a big deal (you don't need a lawyer!). In Michigan I belive it is 6% or something. That is nothing compared to having the house in your name now. You would be responsible for taxes, water ect..... Remember if something happens and she can't pay you would be responsible and never get the house you would like.
do some research..good luck..don't let Probate scare you..it is the lawyers that cost in Probate..usually 20% of the estate! I've done Probate 3 times..not a big deal!
TeM....good one about the gifting problems also...I forgot about that aspect...Just one more reason not to!
do some research..good luck..don't let Probate scare you..it is the lawyers that cost in Probate..usually 20% of the estate! I've done Probate 3 times..not a big deal!
TeM....good one about the gifting problems also...I forgot about that aspect...Just one more reason not to!
Last edited by LovesToTravel; 08-12-2011 at 06:26 AM. Reason: added note about gifting
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Before you take ANY steps on this one, I think you should talk to an attorney.
But all in all, my gut instinct is to say NO on putting your name on the house and NO to living with her. You can negotiate the cost of a house but your hard-earned serenity and personal progress is PRICELESS. Cherish it.
If she can't afford a house that suits her with the money she has then perhaps she shouldn't be moving. I admittedly haven't been following your story on this one (sorry) but if the money isn't there than why the change?
But all in all, my gut instinct is to say NO on putting your name on the house and NO to living with her. You can negotiate the cost of a house but your hard-earned serenity and personal progress is PRICELESS. Cherish it.
If she can't afford a house that suits her with the money she has then perhaps she shouldn't be moving. I admittedly haven't been following your story on this one (sorry) but if the money isn't there than why the change?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel 
You can negotiate the cost of a house but your hard-earned serenity and personal progress is PRICELESS. Cherish it.
Think long and hard. What is your recovery worth to you?
I know for me, for a long time, I created crisis in my life because I couldn't deal with being quiet and content where I was at.
It's a nasty habit to overcome, but I'm glad that I did.
Can you continue to sit quiet and content with where you are at in life today?
If not, perhaps that is something to discuss with your therapist. BTW, I think your therapist is wise.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
TC, there's lots of ways to inherit property without having to be the purchaser. What is the real reason behind the arrangement? Is she getting older and worrying about living alone and this is a way to "guarantee" your investment in her? Can she not qualify for a mortgage on her own? Seems to be there is more to this story than her wanting to be able to leave you the house someday.
That said, instead of living with her, what about looking for a place that is a duplex or has a mother-in-law apartment? My next place will - or at least the potential - as my parents are aging too, and I am assuming as the oldest daughter, it'll fall on my shoulders to be the one to look after my folks. That way - you are next door but have your own official house and space and it makes it easier to set and maintain some boundaries.
That said, instead of living with her, what about looking for a place that is a duplex or has a mother-in-law apartment? My next place will - or at least the potential - as my parents are aging too, and I am assuming as the oldest daughter, it'll fall on my shoulders to be the one to look after my folks. That way - you are next door but have your own official house and space and it makes it easier to set and maintain some boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
This issue is close to home! One of the big emotional things for me is having a sense of security. When I lived with my xABF, he kept saying that he would create a will that left the house to me; but he never did. I resented it, since I was paying rent to him with this dangling hope of financial security.
But now, I've gotten the guts to apply for a home loan, and I'm looking for my own place. I used a great website for information, which includes a rent/own comparison calculator.
The sense of relief and accomplishment at living life on my own terms is enormous.
- Sylvie
But now, I've gotten the guts to apply for a home loan, and I'm looking for my own place. I used a great website for information, which includes a rent/own comparison calculator.
The sense of relief and accomplishment at living life on my own terms is enormous.
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I'm with Purple Squirrel. Your mother can buy wherever she wants and put the house in your name. You will reap the tax advantages and she will still be responsible for the bills, but you might have to set up a joint checking account (to show the $$$ is in your name, so she does not have to pay taxes).
When my mother turned 80 she decided to put everything into her childrens names (me and my brother), giving us POA. 10 years later when she became very ill and showed signs of dementia it was a blessing that we did not have to worry about the state taking her home. My mother lived out her last years in a nursing home that cost over 9K a month for the type of care she needed. We never could have afforded that.
I could have never lived with my mother again either for the same reasons Suki states.
When my mother turned 80 she decided to put everything into her childrens names (me and my brother), giving us POA. 10 years later when she became very ill and showed signs of dementia it was a blessing that we did not have to worry about the state taking her home. My mother lived out her last years in a nursing home that cost over 9K a month for the type of care she needed. We never could have afforded that.
I could have never lived with my mother again either for the same reasons Suki states.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Another thing to consider... my mother moved her mother in with her several years ago. Since then, my grandmother, now over 100, had to go to a nursing home. Grandmother had several investment accounts, which they put under both names. My mother now says that if they had put them all under her name, Grandmother could have stayed in the nursing home and used Social Security to pay for it.
However, since she has assets still in her name, she's having to pay $5,000 a month. Of course, transferring the assets to my mother may have incurred tax liabilities, but it might have been worth it.
Anyway, I'm not trying to confuse the issue, but just be aware that these things can get complicated.
However, since she has assets still in her name, she's having to pay $5,000 a month. Of course, transferring the assets to my mother may have incurred tax liabilities, but it might have been worth it.
Anyway, I'm not trying to confuse the issue, but just be aware that these things can get complicated.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Only you can figure this one out and a lot of factors will go into your decision that we know nothing about.
When I have a dilemma like this I pull out several clean sheets of 8 1/2 x 11 paper (I know it's going to take more than one page, lol) draw a line down the middle of each page the LONG way, write in all caps on the left side of each page PRO and in all caps on the right side of each page CON.
Then as I think of the different points of what the decision will entail I put it on the appropriate side of the page.
Sometimes it only takes a day or two, sometimes it can take me weeks.
However, when I can no longer think of anything else, I put the sheets down for at least 24 hours. Then I get quiet and start to read them.
Usually I can come up with the correct decision for ME by doing this.
Hope it will help you also.
Love and hugs,
When I have a dilemma like this I pull out several clean sheets of 8 1/2 x 11 paper (I know it's going to take more than one page, lol) draw a line down the middle of each page the LONG way, write in all caps on the left side of each page PRO and in all caps on the right side of each page CON.
Then as I think of the different points of what the decision will entail I put it on the appropriate side of the page.
Sometimes it only takes a day or two, sometimes it can take me weeks.
However, when I can no longer think of anything else, I put the sheets down for at least 24 hours. Then I get quiet and start to read them.
Usually I can come up with the correct decision for ME by doing this.
Hope it will help you also.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
What TEm said is basically what we did for my mother...it's referred to as making your parent "medically indigent". My mother spent 2 years in a top nursing home that as paid for by Medicaid. We had to turn most of her meager assets over to the state, they allowed a few thousand dollars to be kept for small expenses and dental work. "anything that would provide comfort"...we opted to have her own phone and same number transferred to the nursing home, weekly beauty parlor and brand new dentures.
(Once her dementia got really bad she would call my brother at least 15X a day/night....it would make him crazy...she could never remember my house phone number because I got a new one, but my voicemail box at work was full).
as for what Cynical One says, also true....we pay the taxes on my mother's 2 family house and the upkeep, getting it ready for sale. We do rent out only the upstairs apartment which covers most of the expenses, but it costs us about 10K a year until we put it on the market....it is an albatross.
(Once her dementia got really bad she would call my brother at least 15X a day/night....it would make him crazy...she could never remember my house phone number because I got a new one, but my voicemail box at work was full).
as for what Cynical One says, also true....we pay the taxes on my mother's 2 family house and the upkeep, getting it ready for sale. We do rent out only the upstairs apartment which covers most of the expenses, but it costs us about 10K a year until we put it on the market....it is an albatross.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Also, if you choose to do a 'Pro/Con' list, do all the research you can into the laws of Ownership, Probate, Trusts, etc Mexico and the State you live in as they are very different than the laws here in the United States.
And those results will also go on your 'list.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
And those results will also go on your 'list.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dear SR friends,
I appreciate your input very much. Thanks, thanks for all your responses.
I told my mom I won´t be moving in with her. She is OK and said our sanity is more important. So I guess she wasn´t all happy either about the idea, which hurts a bit but its OK, she is an adult, and its a new life for her. I get it.
Duplex is a good idea though! (thanks Tuffgirl!)
And yes anvil my mom will be renting for a few months. Its not that we have to get a house TODAY. We have given thought to the location for a year now and already decided, it has many advantages and she also likes the city and knows I might not be here forever. (Although I would love to). We already know which areas she likes, too. Its a small city (well everything is small compared to the capital of 20 million people) so that eases things....
About who the owner can be, we agreed to talk to a lawyer together to see what is best. I believe there is a way to make me the owner and give her the right to live there, but she can´t sell the house, or do anything else with it.
Anyway I felt lots of resentment knowing the 1st payment is in her account now.. she won´t be giving a single cent to my sister or me.. when that money is supposedly "ours". I cried due to this in therapy when the therapist said I had no support from either parent (no wonder my problem in both knees .. NO SUPPORT) and she said they are selfish and troubled but that I could create good female/male roles from... MYSELF... and that I got everything to be happy, and was glad with my decision to think of my sanity first.
My sister is OK but she is married to a guy with lots of money and a superjob so its not like she needs the money or the house at all... but my case is different.
I am just glad at this point that I can continue renting and going to therapy and feeding the cats and my rehab therapy and having some spare money for small things here and there. I am broke, will continue to be broke, but I get inner peace and can take care of myself... as you all said, this is priceless.
My therapy involved naming what I feel comes from my mom (sadness, apathy, lack of enthusiasm for life, receiving and receiving without giving anything, many other things..), imagining it all took a form (what came to my mind was a black heavy ANVIL) and I gave it back to her.
Telling her "Mom, your codependency, your apathy, your depression, your selfishness, your hate towards men, your resentment¨, it is YOURS. I give it back."
I feel much better tonight. Work in progress. But I am grateful I got SR, and a good therapist... I feel lighter.
I appreciate your input very much. Thanks, thanks for all your responses.
I told my mom I won´t be moving in with her. She is OK and said our sanity is more important. So I guess she wasn´t all happy either about the idea, which hurts a bit but its OK, she is an adult, and its a new life for her. I get it.
Duplex is a good idea though! (thanks Tuffgirl!)
And yes anvil my mom will be renting for a few months. Its not that we have to get a house TODAY. We have given thought to the location for a year now and already decided, it has many advantages and she also likes the city and knows I might not be here forever. (Although I would love to). We already know which areas she likes, too. Its a small city (well everything is small compared to the capital of 20 million people) so that eases things....
About who the owner can be, we agreed to talk to a lawyer together to see what is best. I believe there is a way to make me the owner and give her the right to live there, but she can´t sell the house, or do anything else with it.
Anyway I felt lots of resentment knowing the 1st payment is in her account now.. she won´t be giving a single cent to my sister or me.. when that money is supposedly "ours". I cried due to this in therapy when the therapist said I had no support from either parent (no wonder my problem in both knees .. NO SUPPORT) and she said they are selfish and troubled but that I could create good female/male roles from... MYSELF... and that I got everything to be happy, and was glad with my decision to think of my sanity first.
My sister is OK but she is married to a guy with lots of money and a superjob so its not like she needs the money or the house at all... but my case is different.
I am just glad at this point that I can continue renting and going to therapy and feeding the cats and my rehab therapy and having some spare money for small things here and there. I am broke, will continue to be broke, but I get inner peace and can take care of myself... as you all said, this is priceless.
My therapy involved naming what I feel comes from my mom (sadness, apathy, lack of enthusiasm for life, receiving and receiving without giving anything, many other things..), imagining it all took a form (what came to my mind was a black heavy ANVIL) and I gave it back to her.
Telling her "Mom, your codependency, your apathy, your depression, your selfishness, your hate towards men, your resentment¨, it is YOURS. I give it back."
I feel much better tonight. Work in progress. But I am grateful I got SR, and a good therapist... I feel lighter.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
