chronsweet

I am trying so incredibly hard to stay strong and stick with the conviction to leave my ABF for the sake of my son. We are CONSTANTLY arguing. The basis of my argument towards him is that I want him to stop drinking, realize I can’t stop him, and just can’t live with it anymore. I just can’t for my own sanity or my son’s. My son is only 19 months old but he already knows to hand his dad his beers. He reacts to the tension the arguing causes. It stresses him out badly and it breaks my heart. Even if I try to ignore the comments I am always sucked into them.
My ABF’s contention is that I can no longer be intimate with him. In addition to alcohol he was addicted to other types of drugs (he has been clean off those for a year) in which his libido was completely obliterated. He didn’t want me for my entire pregnancy and for the 14 months of my son’s life (or longer). Before I got pregnant I actually found myself doing drugs with him as well, but got clean for my pregnancy. I am now 36 (was about 33-34 at the time) and that was the FIRST time in my life I had done hard drugs, ever. I did them to ‘fit in’ which in hind sight was just completely STUPID. I didn’t even like them to be honest and I know I would never do them again. Part of the reason I got so sucked into his lifestyle is because I was really just looking for fun. I was going through a divorce, lost my Granny and in the process of that lost almost my entire family due to a trust (will) issue that caused contention between my entire family and then I lost my father and then my grandfather. So, I was trying to escape. In my attempt at escape, I found ABF.He was drunk the day I met him and as I think back just about every day since then except when he was drugging. I avoided the drugs for SOOOO long and then just gave in. I became preggo and quit.
I kinda went off an a tangent there. My point was he was doing stuff that made it impossible for him to have sex. I finally just gave up and with my ego hurt and bruised I retreated into my own mind. When his libido started to return after getting clean from the drugs, he just expected that I would be waiting with welcoming arms in the bedroom, not so. I try to tell him I can’t be intimate with him when he is constantly drinking. He doesn’t drink during the work day but every other time other than that, he is drinking. He says he can’t be an alchie b/c it’s just beer (and the occasional liquor).
I am leaving him. I am not out until the 9th and have the new place lined up on the 1st. I keep going back in my head and thinking MAYBE this TIME will be different. Maybe he will just quit. But how is that possible when he can’t even admit he has a problem. It’s just beer and he can quit anytime are favorite words of his. Also, he keeps stating that he isn’t the only problem in the relationship. I AGREE with that statement. My problem is that I have put up with entirely just too much **** from him.
I supported him for 3.5 years. While I was preggo he ran around stealing from me, lying to me, basically just using me. He didn’t work just mooched off me. After our son was born, same thing, except he ‘babysat’ his own son and has the nerve to look at it as if he was helping ME out because otherwise I would have had to hire a babysitter. I was SOOOO patient for SOOOO long and I admit that after awhile I started to call him a loser as I was struggling to support all three of us and his major concern was the latest PS3 update and extra maps for his video games. All the while, while I was working, did he cook, clean, do laundry. NOPE. I did and still do most of that on my weekends. I finally got so tired of struggling financially that I got him a decent job where I work. I thought maybe this will give him some self esteem, yadda yadda yadda … make our relationship better, give him less time to be laying around drinking. The only thing it did was to increase his alcohol intake in shorter periods of time because he now has unlimited money to drink. He became super mentally and verbally abusive. He accussed me of cheating on him w/ someone from work relentlessly, I mean for HOURS and HOURS on end each weekend for just about 3 months straight. None of the accusations are true. Why would I get my b/f a job at my place of work if I am cheating? His verbal abuse also included being told I am cold, evil, going to hell and that HE, a disciple of God, knows this for a fact, all these things.
The only things I have ever done for this guy are provide support and basically have made myself a doormat for his verbal and emotional abuse. I have been a syphon for his needs.
He says he will quit for me and the baby. I tell him I want to do it for him, but he can’t reconcile that in his head because he sees nothing that he has done to me or how he has made me feel as wrong. Why then, do I think in my heart that MAYBE it will change. My head knows it will not. He says he will quit drinking until we move out, but I almost would rather have him continue so that I don’t get disillusioned. Is that wrong?
I am sooooo confused. I know I have to do what feels right. I have already made a commitment to another human being w/ a kid that I am going to move in, so I am going to follow thru for the lot of us, me and my son included.
Some words of encouragement and advise would be appreciated!
Sorry for such a long post, just had to get the gist of what’s going on with me out there.

dollydo

I can only speak for myself. I was raised in the home of two alcoholics. I saw and heard everything, although I did not verbally express myself, I suffered in silence.

Living in this toxic enviorment caused me severe psychological damage that I am still working on today, and, I am 64 years old! Trauma in childhood can seriously impact a childs development.

Children of addicts/alcoholics have a 50% chance of marrying an addict/alcoholic. 70% develop a pattern of compulsive behaviors, such as impulsivness, aggression and codependency. Not to mention many become addicts/alcoholics themselves.

So, with that said, your son may already be predisposed to addiction due to his genes. And, the longer he lives with an addict, the more problems he will have to face and resolve as an adult.

Today, unlike when I was a child, the US Department of Health & Human Services considers parental drug addiction/alcoholism as a form of child abuse. When a parent has a drug/alcohol addiction they are no longer deemed a responsible caretaker. And CPS has the legal right to remove the child from the home. This is not something I would want to face.

So, as you can read, I am concerned about your son, and I feel that your one and only priorty is your son, his safety and well-being. Your ABF is an adult, it is his responsibility to resolve his issues, not yours.

If your ABF embraces a strong recovery program, stays off alcohol & drugs for a minimum of a year, you can readdress living with him.

Are you attending meetings? Have you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie?
I would recommend both.

Just my two cents!

chronsweet

YES! I have read Codependent No More. NO! I have not attented Al-Anon. The reason for not attending Al-Anon is because I have heard that the meetings are more focused on how to live WITH an alcoholic, and I can't stay in this kind of situation.

He does NOT do drugs anymore at all, and I never have since finding out I was pregnant. The problem is with the alcohol. Well, his problem I think is that he just has to be addicted to something. And alcohol is legal and very easy to obtain.

Thanks for your reply. I am going to definitely move out and have told him at a minimum that he needs to be working a recovery program and stay clean for HIMSELF for at least 6 months before we can even address a relationship together. I just feel like if he does get sober, that he is doing it just to get us back. I don't want to feel like that. I want him to get healthy for himself so we can all be happy together. I won't wait around for him forever, however. I must move on with my life at some point.

I too, grew up in a home that was very dysfunctional, not because of alcohol, but drugs. So, the pain is still buried deep inside. I had never been exposed to this type of human being in my friendships with others as a youth, young adult and so I didn't know I could become this kind of co-dependent person. Only after meeting him and putting up with so much crap and trying to help over and over and over to no avail did I start to internalize the problem. I recognize I have ALLOWED this to happen. I have always been strong and I am strong enough to leave. I have been strong enough to stay so I can and am going to follow through with leaving.

This forum has been so instrumental in gaining and accepting that I can't change others, only myself and that I have to keep my head out of my A$$ in order to provide a stable and stress free home for my child.

Thanks to everyone in advance for the advice and support.

Peace and Love.

laurie6781

Actually you have 'heard' incorrectly and the only way for you to really know what Alanon is ALL about is to attend some different meetings to see for yourself.

Alanon is NOT about how to stay with the A. Alanon is about YOU. It is about figuring YOURSELF out and learning how to live your life to the fullest.

Here's what M1K3 posted on another thread here a few days ago:

I think he gives a pretty accurate description.

I do believe you need to do whatever you feel is best for you and your son. The fact you have stated that it is time to leave, based on what you have shared seems like a good decision for both you and your son. No it won't be without pain, but .................. it will certainly help you to find some peace and serenity.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

skippernlilg

Oh Chron,

There's so much wisdom you have already gained in the short time I've noticed your posts. I do want to encourage you to try out Al-anon anyway. Even if you're not living in the same house as ABF, at some point you will need to make decisions on how to co-parent with him. I think it will be beneficial for you to get that face-to-face support.

I'm an ACOA, and my bio-dad is my bio-dad whether I ever talk to him or not (I don't). Some of the tools I've picked up in Al-anon in addition to those here have helped me make good decisions about boundaries.

My R(?)X(?)ABF no longer lives with my son and me. I still gain valuable tools while attending Al-anon.

You just might find that extra strength you seek.

yorkiegirl

If your ABF embraces a strong recovery program, stays off alcohol & drugs for a minimum of a year, you can readdress living with him.



I so agree with Dolly! I too am an ACOA. I am married to an RAH. I fit the statistics of many ACOAs. Thank you, Dolly, for sharing those statistics and patterns for so many of us ACOAs. (I so don't want my daughter to become one of those statistics. I want her to beat the odds. In order for that to happen, I realize how much work I must do on myself for myself and for her).

I've always had insomnia and sleep disturbances as a young child. My sleep disturbances worsened as my marriage went on (and my AH's alcoholism progressed). Being the wife of an alcoholic/addict, I refused to take any sleeping pills or substances to help with my lack of sleep. Today, as we are both in recovery, my sleep patterns (for the first time in my life) are very healthy. I am able to sleep, most of the time.

And so, I too am living with the lifelong effects of alcohol addiction. It wasn't just the alcoholic (my father is a sober alcoholic for most of my life) but the unhealthy, toxic, co-dependent relationship of my father the A and my mother the non-A that has negatively impacted all aspects of my life. Even though the drinking had long stopped, their marriage was (is) an "alcoholic one." In their older age, they seem to be mellowing out a bit with the drama & roller coaster rides but their adult children are left with the all the whiplashes from those crazy rides.

This is how I see it (and how I approach my marriage/family):

1) Sobriety is only the first step. 2) Each parent (the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic) must embrace each his/her own serious, rigorous recovery programs, 3) and the parents must work on nurturing/developing our relationship in with sobriety and recovery are always present (either as married partners or divorcees' who are co-parenting children). In the process, the children's well-being have to be placed first. Even if there isn't physical abuse (as there wasn't in my family's case), the mental angst, tension, and stress (abuse) from living in such an unhealthy, chaotic, drama-filled, unpredictable, unstable environment are detrimental (and effects long-lasting as Dolly pointed out). Ideally, we would approach these steps separately, but sometimes #2 & #3 can happen simultaneously as well, although without #1 sobriety (abstinence from the mind-altering substance or addiction vice), nothing else is possible.

Chron, I do think you know what is best for you and your son. I think you know what you feel you must do, even though there's a part of you that hopes and wishes. I can really relate. I gave my husband so many chances, ultimatums, etc. over the course of 14.5 years. I waited until my daughter was 3 and half, paralyzed with fear and uncertainty, to finally take the step to leave. I wish I hadn't waited so long. Of course, I can look back and say all of this, now. At the time, I was in so much emotional turmoil and mental/physical stress. I was scared of doing something that went against my own co-dependent tendencies and learned/familiar behaviors.

Even after your husband stops drinking and then embraces a strong recovery program, there is so much work he will have to do (and so much work you will have to do). The road sometimes starts getting bumpier and bumpier (well worth the bumps, but. . .). The struggle continues even harder and rougher once the drinking stops.

I am cheering for you, your son (and your AH). . . I hope you will do what you feel in your gut is the right thing to do. (Oprah says it's important for us to listen to our whispers. I hope you will listen to your whispers. They are telling you something!)

yorkiegirl

Chron, when I was first dating my husband (then an active addict/alcoholic) 16 years ago, I went to my first Alanon meeting. I knew I was bothered by his use & abuse of alcohol and other substances so I went. The message I received at that meeting was "leaving would be the best thing." No one said that I should leave my A. That's what I took from the meeting. Before the meeting was over, I walked out. I didn't want to leave him (even though my whispers told me he was so wrong for me). I ignored my whispers. I wanted to hear how I could get him to stop or how I could live with him in my life and be okay with it. I didn't hear those things at all so I walked out.

What I am learning about Alanon is that it is what I make of it. For me, Alanon is about healing. It's about learning tools to deal with life situations. For me, Alanon is not about alcohol or alcoholism anymore. It's about helping me to be/become a full, whole, healthy human being and example for my daughter. It's about treating myself and others with respect, dignity and honesty. It's about listening to others and learning from their experiences.

There are different kinds of meetings. There are some meetings where I hear stuff that is just not useful but I use it as an opportunity to practice kindness, patience and understanding. There are other meetings where I hear such great wisdom and rich life experiences that give me hope and strength. I soak that up.

I don't think Alanon is for everyone, but it's worth a try. I resisted it. I didn't think I needed it. However, I realized that for me going to Alanon was doing something "different." I wanted a different outcome for my daughter than for me. I was tired of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. My child is growing up in home in which her mother is an ACOA and her father is a sober alcoholic. My parents never went to AA or Alanon. They never sought recovery. Perhaps, I could offer my child something different even though she was born into our "alcoholic" family, a family I chose, despite my whispers 16 years ago. I want her to live in a home and with a family that is recovering and healing, not just sober. So, for me, Alanon, offers this opportunity, just as rehab and AA have offered for my RAH.

The great thing about Alanon is that if it's available in your community, you can try it out, go as often or as little as you'd like, drop out for a while if you want, try different meetings, take what you like and leave what you don't like, etc. etc. That flexibility and variety work well for me. If you do end up trying it out, Chron, let us know how it went.

duqld1717

Stay strong girl! You can do this. The sooner you decide to leave, the sooner you are to a new life. It will be hard but those tough times are far better than spending years, decades, or even a lifetime with an A. You are worth so much more and so is your son. I saw the new movie "The Help" today and I highly recommend seeing it. Its set back in the old south when slavery was over, but race was still very much an issue. These women were maids for rich white southern women and they had to edure alot of abuse to keep their job. They couldn't even use to same bathroom as the family they worked for. It was so sad. They stayed because being a maid was all they knew and could do for money. They took all the abuse so they could support their families. They HAD to stick it out. Nowadays, we as codependents stay and take abuse from our significant others for what reason??? We don't have to stay, we just do. We aren't even getting paid! There is no reason to stay in an abusive type relationship with anyone! We have choices today. You have a choice!!!

chronsweet

Thanks so much ladies for the words of encouragement. I so need them. I have read several books and joined a couple forums over the last couple months. When I log onto SR, my BF sits by my side and basically gives me nooooo space whatsoever. Last night I signed up with a new name and then thought eff it, if he snoops and sees something he doesn't like, then so be it. Best he wake up to the reality of what he is doing to his family.

I have read Codependent No More and sat there shaking my head 'yes, yes, yes' almost the entire time. I have also read, "Women who love too much" (or something like that) and a book about enduring verbal abuse in a relationship. I have tried some of those techniques, but it is hard to get an A to even comprehend what you are trying to tell them. I think all my ABF hears is that I want him to quit drinking and he doesn't like those words AT ALL, just the thought stresses him out. BUT, he is not an alcoholic. LOL.

When I read these books about self help, my ABF chastises me and tells me how useless they are and basically insinuates that I am ridiculous for reading them. We went to one counseling appointment together. I had one set up for both of us one day, he missed that first one, I wanted to continue to go alone and he badgered me into going into the second. His reasons didn't really seem like they were to get us help but to make sure that I didn't say anything bad about him and give the counselor a perception that was just my own. I folded and we went to that one appointment together, he stayed sober a week before the appointment, his first time sober in MONTHS. The day after the appointment, he was back to drinking, and ALOT.

I really wanted to go alone to work on me, but he doesn't seem to want that. I think he doesn't because he knows I really am a strong person. I can take alot as most codies but in the end I do have my wits about me. Also, in that counseling appointment, the male counselor (we had 1 man and 1 woman when together) just brushed over the alcohol abuse. When he asked me what was wrong and I told him, he told me that I was all over the place, that no wonder my ABF was 'so confused' in the relationship and that it was probably really hard for him to communicate his feelings to me. That we needed to work on 'our communication'. I call BS. How can you communicate with someone who is ALWAYS intoxicated, really?

Anyhow, I see so many sick sides of this relationship. I know I need to get out. I will and am going to and very soon. I have so many feelings coursing through me about the thought of that, excitement/fear, anxiety/relief, sadness, anger, bitterness, betrayal, just soooo soooo many. I left my xh of 13 years and although there weren't kids, we did own a home and alot of material stuff together and that was way easier than this. He was sober and respected my feelings. I keep trying to go back to what it felt like to actually feel value in a relationship and upon reflection I KNOW I don't have anything close to that in this relationship with my ABF. I thank goodness I did not and will not marry him. It makes it alot easier custody wise. I went to the courts and in my state, I have custody unless he fights for partial, automatically as long as he never leaves my custody. So, I feel fairly secure in that plight.

Again thanks for the continued support. You gals/guys ROCK.