I am really struggling today and need help
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 19
I am really struggling today and need help
I saw my husband Saturday after he got out of an inpatient rehab facility. This was the first time I've seen him since I told him he wanted a divorce during the first week he was in there.
I know my timing wasn't the best, but I had already realized there was no hope for us by the time he got "serious" about getting sober. I still don't believe he's serious about it, so it only goes to show how broken this marriage is. There is no part of me that thinks he will stay sober, I think he's incapable. It's not that he doesn't try, it's just that he just never will.
I realize I could be more positive about his efforts but I am just done. I spent so long supporting him and trying so hard to "fix" our marriage that it finally broke me. I am so glad I found help and learned to start living for myself again.
For the most part, despite some off days like today, I am so happy now. When my husband left my house it was like a fog lifted and I got a second chance at life. I lost 30 lbs and got my confidence back, I got back in touch with friends who'd I'd neglected, started going out and really have been living life to the fullest. I refuse to go back to my old life when this new one has been so amazing.
I have tried to be nice during this divorce. I did love my husband once and part of me always will, so knowing that I am hurting him has been really hard for me.
Anyway, when I saw him Saturday and told him that there was no way we were getting back together, I saw his face change instantly after I said those words. It turned darker and it's a face I recognize so well. I was told I was a heartless bitch (I'm not), that the hope of us getting back together was what made it easy for him to not drink and I'll be responsible for his failure (I won't be) and that he wouldn't help me get the house ready for sale because he didn't want the divorce I did. This was just a sample of what he threw at me while I just remained calm and let it roll off of me without getting a rise.
Now of course it affected me and that's what's pissing me off today. I know that he hates me. I know he thinks that I am the problem and I was the one to do wrong here. I know I shouldn't care what the hell he thinks because I know the truth. I know what I went through and I know that I stayed far longer than I should have. So why does him blaming me and calling me a heartless bitch affect me so much.
I'm sure all of his family thinks these things about me. Not one of them has talked to me since I left. I don't know why I feel like someone should validate the fact that I was freaking abused for years by this drunk and I put up with it! I feel like my husband needs to validate that and I know he never will. I'm struggling so much with the fact that despite everything I went through, all of the pain, he STILL sees me as the heartless one. He is the most heartless person I know.
I know my timing wasn't the best, but I had already realized there was no hope for us by the time he got "serious" about getting sober. I still don't believe he's serious about it, so it only goes to show how broken this marriage is. There is no part of me that thinks he will stay sober, I think he's incapable. It's not that he doesn't try, it's just that he just never will.
I realize I could be more positive about his efforts but I am just done. I spent so long supporting him and trying so hard to "fix" our marriage that it finally broke me. I am so glad I found help and learned to start living for myself again.
For the most part, despite some off days like today, I am so happy now. When my husband left my house it was like a fog lifted and I got a second chance at life. I lost 30 lbs and got my confidence back, I got back in touch with friends who'd I'd neglected, started going out and really have been living life to the fullest. I refuse to go back to my old life when this new one has been so amazing.
I have tried to be nice during this divorce. I did love my husband once and part of me always will, so knowing that I am hurting him has been really hard for me.
Anyway, when I saw him Saturday and told him that there was no way we were getting back together, I saw his face change instantly after I said those words. It turned darker and it's a face I recognize so well. I was told I was a heartless bitch (I'm not), that the hope of us getting back together was what made it easy for him to not drink and I'll be responsible for his failure (I won't be) and that he wouldn't help me get the house ready for sale because he didn't want the divorce I did. This was just a sample of what he threw at me while I just remained calm and let it roll off of me without getting a rise.
Now of course it affected me and that's what's pissing me off today. I know that he hates me. I know he thinks that I am the problem and I was the one to do wrong here. I know I shouldn't care what the hell he thinks because I know the truth. I know what I went through and I know that I stayed far longer than I should have. So why does him blaming me and calling me a heartless bitch affect me so much.
I'm sure all of his family thinks these things about me. Not one of them has talked to me since I left. I don't know why I feel like someone should validate the fact that I was freaking abused for years by this drunk and I put up with it! I feel like my husband needs to validate that and I know he never will. I'm struggling so much with the fact that despite everything I went through, all of the pain, he STILL sees me as the heartless one. He is the most heartless person I know.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I understand your pain. I am in the process of leaving my Abf and it is just one of the hardest things for a person, such as you or I or any number of people on this board toexperience. The pain and the responsibility of causing someone else pain is almost unbearable, and at the same time it feels like you have put in SOOOOO much effort, and they so little. Yet, we are still viewed as a B or in my case evil, heartless, a wh0r who has NEVER even cheated yet I will be condemned for my sins. The reason is because most of us, I believe, have become codependents. It is not because we have NO heart that we have allowed this to happen. IMHO it is because we had too much heart for others and not enough for ourselves.
The A's may have hearts, may not, it is too hard to tell through all the alcohol but I feel like they really do feel that we are heartless because we are trying to take their precious lifeblood and the one thing they really love away. We all know what that is.
You have finally found a way out, just be so thankful that you have the rest of your life to worry about the one person who can make you happy, YOU!
The A's may have hearts, may not, it is too hard to tell through all the alcohol but I feel like they really do feel that we are heartless because we are trying to take their precious lifeblood and the one thing they really love away. We all know what that is.
You have finally found a way out, just be so thankful that you have the rest of your life to worry about the one person who can make you happy, YOU!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
I don't know that there is a name I have not been called or a single thing that I have not been blamed for. Especially his drinking. I think we all have. But it sounds like you have been getting to a really good place. Bravo to you! Don't let him take that away from you. From your words you are gaining confidence and happiness, as you deserve. I think it is awe inspiring for those of us just starting on the journey.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Blkeyeszn, you are fine! You are not heartless. You are doing for yourself what needs to be done! Good for you!
And, your husband will need to find his own path, take care of himself, and work his own recovery for himself! Your paths crossed once and now they are parting. . . Give him the dignity to hurt, to deal with the consequences of your divorce, and to address his own feelings. You are not responsible for him, his recovery and his feelings. If he doesn't stick with his recovery, that won't be your fault. It won't be anyone's fault. Your husband has to make the commitment to choose recovery. . .
. . .I saw his face change instantly after I said those words. It turned darker and it's a face I recognize so well.
Wow! I really get what you wrote! It doesn't happen much anymore since my husband went into recovery, *but* he still does this once in a while when I tell him things he doesn't like or doesn't want to hear. It sends this shock through my body and a stab in my heart. I feel my body chemistry change (like the blood rush from my head throughout my body). In the past, it prevented me from being honest with my husband because I didn't want to deal with his reaction. I'd find ways to go around him because I just didn't want to deal with it. Bottom line is: it was my co-dependence. It's probably an honest, sincere expression of their dissatisfaction, disapproval or unhappiness. Whatever it is, it isn't yours (or mine, in my case) to hold onto. . .
Hand over any worries or concerns you might have about him or his family (or anyone else) to the Universe. Let the Universe take it from you. All you need to do is to focus on you! You sound like you're doing wonderfully! That's what's important! If you need to vent, just come to this forum, you are among those who understand!
It sounds like it is time to say, "Good-bye" to your husband and "Hello" to your new beginnings. I'm cheering for you!
And, your husband will need to find his own path, take care of himself, and work his own recovery for himself! Your paths crossed once and now they are parting. . . Give him the dignity to hurt, to deal with the consequences of your divorce, and to address his own feelings. You are not responsible for him, his recovery and his feelings. If he doesn't stick with his recovery, that won't be your fault. It won't be anyone's fault. Your husband has to make the commitment to choose recovery. . .
. . .I saw his face change instantly after I said those words. It turned darker and it's a face I recognize so well.
Wow! I really get what you wrote! It doesn't happen much anymore since my husband went into recovery, *but* he still does this once in a while when I tell him things he doesn't like or doesn't want to hear. It sends this shock through my body and a stab in my heart. I feel my body chemistry change (like the blood rush from my head throughout my body). In the past, it prevented me from being honest with my husband because I didn't want to deal with his reaction. I'd find ways to go around him because I just didn't want to deal with it. Bottom line is: it was my co-dependence. It's probably an honest, sincere expression of their dissatisfaction, disapproval or unhappiness. Whatever it is, it isn't yours (or mine, in my case) to hold onto. . .
Hand over any worries or concerns you might have about him or his family (or anyone else) to the Universe. Let the Universe take it from you. All you need to do is to focus on you! You sound like you're doing wonderfully! That's what's important! If you need to vent, just come to this forum, you are among those who understand!
It sounds like it is time to say, "Good-bye" to your husband and "Hello" to your new beginnings. I'm cheering for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 19
Thank you everyone for the replies. You are all such a great source of strength and I stand in awe of all of you. I'm working on letting go of my husband and I do know that will come with time. For now, we haven't spoke and I think that's a good thing. The further apart from him the more I feel like myself. I am still holding on to my strength when I see him so I see that as a good sign. I knew this road would be bumpy, but the light at the end of the tunnel is so bright that I want to run full speed ahead at it and never look back. It really does feel amazing to finally choose me.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh, I could almost have written your post word for word. Except in my case, it was my telling him I wanted a divorce and leaving that got him to go to rehab.
I knew when he told me my support was crucial for his recovery that it wouldn't last. I knew when he voluntarily cut the recommended six months of aftercare to six weeks that it wouldn't last. And indeed, it didn't.
You are only responsible for yourself, and you've taken stock of your life and found that what you had wasn't working for you. You also have experienced how life without him is lighter, airier, easier. I'm right there with you (I even found the 30 lbs you lost! You want them back?
) and I ditto Cyrano. You are doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing.
I knew when he told me my support was crucial for his recovery that it wouldn't last. I knew when he voluntarily cut the recommended six months of aftercare to six weeks that it wouldn't last. And indeed, it didn't.
You are only responsible for yourself, and you've taken stock of your life and found that what you had wasn't working for you. You also have experienced how life without him is lighter, airier, easier. I'm right there with you (I even found the 30 lbs you lost! You want them back?
) and I ditto Cyrano. You are doing great. Just keep doing what you're doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I even found the 30 lbs you lost! You want them back? )
)
Actually, having never been one to exercise ever, throwing myself into working out has been amazingly helpful to me on this journey. That and getting physically stronger is the coolest feeling in the world!
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