mermaidgirl

It has been months since I have posted-and there are so many posts to be read (we all need each other so much!), so I will synthesize for those of you who don't know me; and an update for those who have been so crucial to my ongoing recovery.

Married a man I did not know was an alcoholic-you know the story-finally kicked his dry drunk abuse self out a year ago January. Divorce was final April of this year. If you are wondering if life is better without him-YES. I regret NOTHING. He was in my life for a reason-and he is out of my life for a reason. The days get easier; but I still have days.

Have done Match. (overwhelming and the scammers are in great abundance) Cancelled.

Here is the "always in recovery" piece. For some of us...who have left or asked the alcoholic to leave-we still have to put our lives together. I am constantly amazed at how far this disease travels...and was reminded of this in my most recent relationship. GREAT guy. Successful colleague. LOTS of electricity...same industry...he left a very codependent wife (should have beeen my first flag). He has taken a position approx 500 miles away-so the long distance relationship is difficult-not sure I suggest it!

So...here is my question/realization. This guy-who has been a big part of my life for the last 6 months...has some interesting behaviors that are evolving. Big moment: confessed to me that his parents took in a very abusive alcoholic boarder. His father was gone a lot working nights. My guy physically stood between (at age 10 as the oldest sibling) the abusive A and his siblings to protect them and took whatever punishment this guy would dish out. Ultimately? One night they left in the middle of the night-while the A was in a drunken rage shooting at them from their house.

So. Today. I am unraveling-again. Kicking myself for not "seeing" these flags earlier. Curious? Here they are: inability to have simple empathy (received more from friends-than him); gets "offended" very easily and overreacts-not just personally but professionally as well. Was drinking through his divorce...and it was becoming a habit...(ohhhh...very big flag), but kicked even though it was really difficult at times. Those are the three big issues...

Here is my message and comment to you all that have helped me through so much. We don't just have to be aware of the A's...but the children of A's...and this was a tough lesson for me. I have tried to cut it off 2 times before and today I suggested it again. He agreed. There was too much missing...and I deserve more.

I appreciate you all-

Tuffgirl

Thanks mermaidgirl. I agree - recovery is something that stays with us, regardless of the circumstances. I am sorry to hear your newest relationship didn't work out, but kudos for you to realize early the red flags and put yourself first.
~T

mermaidgirl

Thanks TG-

I think my overall message here is to remind us all that just becausethe A is out of our life...A behavior affects so many people. Additionally-the lessons learned from being involved with an A and working so [B]hard[B] on my recovery-really come into play when we start to "get out there" again and have this new shiny way of looking at life.

mermaidgirl

Pelican

Thanks for sharing an update on your life Mermaidgirl!

Glad to see your recovery is growing and helping you recognize unhealthy relationships.

I remember feeling free after I left my A and moved to another community. Only to discover that one of my co-workers was a known Rx abuser

I discussed this disappointment with a friend in recovery and she shared this wisdom:

There may always be addicts in or around my life. However, I get to choose how I respond.

Today I have the tools to help me live life One Day at a Time.

Peace and hugs as you continue on your journey!

fourmaggie

THANKS for the words of widsom!! and yes they are...we see this now and again, the signs and our gut says.."ooh ooh, something is not rite"...i trust it now...

I will agree with you..i will always be in recovery....its for LIFE

mermaidgirl

Thank you...I guess I am just a little disappointed in this...although today I woke with an amazing sense of optimism (HP) and just, got so much done. I think it was my resolve that came back. I read in another post as I was perusing for supportive words that I wasn't "crazy" or going crazy with the codie crazy thoughts. That's what hit me yesterday after I cut things off...why is it so difficult to realize where we don't belong in a relationship? Why is it SO hard at times to be kind to ourselves?

I have had this inside reponse before. When I act kindly toward myself by taking care of my soul and heart-I receive a gift from myself-even through the reality that-some things-no matter how much you want them-won't work.

I love you all...and promise not to be a stranger.

mermaidgirl

Just4me

Mermaid

You're a stronger person than me. I saw those red flags a few months into dating my A. (My dad is an A so I know the signs) It was the morning I woke up and found him drinking Jack Daniels in the bathtub at 8am. I made a mental note and moved forward in the relationship. DUMB!!!

Fast forward 3 years...the drinking has gotten worse and I'm in the process of moving out because although he admits to being an A, he won't enter any program and continues to "relapse" about 1+ times a week.

Good for you for seeing the flags AND responding to them!!! Next time (if there is a next time) I will listen to my gut!!!

fourmaggie

RED FLAGS....i never saw the drinking or the smell, and i still dont know why...i asked even some friends and they never smelt it either...(and he lived with me)
trust me, i am not in denial...just never saw that..but did see others

with that came possible sneaking and lieing, and mocking me behind my back to my best friend!...if it was so bad for HIM then F'n leave!! finally he did because i had AL ANON with me, i don t ENABLE!!...

now? no contact for 14 mths...now he screams for our friendship back! how do i ever trust this man again, even if he has so many months of clean and soberity?...i cant..so i am letting go and letting god take care of this for me....i cant even begin to wrap my head around it.....so, i let my HP take it for me....

sorry, alittle vent there..i feel so much better

mermaidgirl

Ah! What words of wisdom from you all. Just4Me...I guess you see strength where I see "falling apart". ha. Last night-I went to a midweek church service where I used to attend. And I heard something that is now at the tippy top of my thoughts...as this guy was looking so hard for someone to share his life with...it just wasn't working and he was a man of God (a pastor). So, he finally took a long walk one day (in the rain no less) and prayed. He said, Lord, if you don't want me to be someone on earth to share my life with-ok...I can let that go...but I cannot let go of YOU.

So...I have lifted it to my HP (not to exclude the non-Christians)...he knows what I need, and the best I can do at this stage is recognize when I am not getting needs met after doing my relationship "due diligence". I have asked. I have asked gently and nicely. I have weighed if I am asking for perfection (sometimes I have-and backed off). I have waited. And I have not received the minimal amount of empathy and care when I have asked reasonably and where others have stepped up MORE than someone I am having a "relationship" with. THAT, my dear Al-Anon friends...is and always will be my gold standard Red Flag from now on.

lillamy

It pisses me off that recovery is life-long.
I guess I still have some of it to do, huh?

I'm engaged to a great guy. Known him since we were kids. Building on friendship, and going with a known quantity is, I've concluded, worth a whole lot more than excitement and drama. But even with him (who has no secrets, was always our designated driver in high school, and now has maybe two beers a year), I have moments of freaking out. As in "what if he starts drinking?" or "what if he's lying about X" -- and also just knee-jerk reactions, like when the kids start acting up, I get protective. As if he would react like AXH reacts, by getting angry and abusive.

He's a patient man, my new man. And his patience with all of my residual weirdness is a good motivator for me to keep on keeping on with my recovery. Even if I resent the hell out of not seeing an end to it.

mermaidgirl

lillamy-I agree with you. As I told my therapist today...why can I just SEE when it isn't meant to be and walk away gracefully? How come...it is soooo difficult to be good to myself in a relationship? (still) Why? Even after everything I have been through? Is this proof to myself that I am damaged-still? I guess...I still have work to do, but that's ok.

I keep thinking...I can do without someone "special" in my life-if that is what God has planned, but I cannot do without my HP...

fourmaggie

I just know there is someone out there for me!! i just know it!!...BUT for now, its my time, and my recovery and i am always working my recovery every single day!!