How important is it?
 

So, as background: 30+ yr marriage to my AH. He is a closet drinker and an excellent actor when it comes to behaving sober. I've known about his drinking for years, but when our family crisis hit with him being hospitalized for a couple of weeks (another story, another day) I had to tell his family and his mother at that time that he was an alcoholic and they had no clue.

When he came out of the hospital he went right back to his secret daily drinking. He gets quieter when he drinks and then goes to bed. No arguing, no falling down, no breaking things, no slurry speeches, no job loss, no DUIs etc.

My best friend visited with us for a week at Christmas, having just divorced her AH, she knows about my AH, and she thought he was sober the whole week - he wasn't. My sister, who also knows, has no clue when he is or isn't drunk. His brothers are starting to catch on, but have a tough time. Two of our three kids can read the signs, our third isn't really sure. His acting ability almost drove me crazy until I knew for certain, without a doubt, about the alcoholism. I am just saying this so you don't think I am in denial about people knowing.

Today, 4 years after said crisis, I am with his mother and she comments "of course AH doesn't drink". I didn't correct her. Part of me thinks "why upset her?" Another part of me wants to set her straight.

I've always told my AH that I wouldn't cover for him and I wouldn't lie for him, and I don't. But not setting her straight feels like a lie. On the other hand, I wonder "How important is it?" when it comes to setting her straight.
She's elderly and I wonder if I should just let it go and not have her worry about him.

And I wonder why this is bugging me so much?

I know it's progressive and he will get worse over time, but his progression last time was so slow it took years and years. If he continues at that pace this time, and it seems he might, she'll be long gone.

Thoughts?

I don't think you were wrong to not correct her. As long as she isn't enabling him, I don't see what good it would do to cause her worry.

As you stated she is an elderly woman. There is no need to upset her at this time of her life. She can't fix it, let her have some peace. Perhaps you were just wanting to reach out to her and share your experience. Glad you shared with us here on the forum. Hope you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone.

I think you did the right thing. I don't think she was asking you the question, "Does he drink?" and to that, the answer is, "Yes". I think she was saying she has a certain belief system about this subject. I suspect she has a certain belief system about many things to which you would not agree. If for some reason she asks you, the truth is the only way to go.

I agree that there is no point in correcting your MIL. What would the point be?

Maybe the reason it bothers you is because you DO know that he is drinking, few others recognize it and YOU are the one that has to carry that knowledge on your own. That would be frustrating for me.

Thank you for your replies. I love having this place to bounce thoughts off people who get it, who've lived or are living experiences similar to your own, and learning from their growth.

I've pretty much made up my mind to be o.k. with not telling her, for her sake.

But, it kinda feels like enabling behaviour to do that. I'm perpetuating his myth; something I didn't want to be part of.

Maybe you're perpetuating her myth, and as a daughter-in-law of an elder, maybe that's what you should do. If she asked you outright for your opinion, that'd be different. If he has another alcohol-related health issue, you can say he never stopped drinking. But otherwise, if it were me, I'd let it rest.

- Sylvie

It's a tough place that you live in ~ I lived there for almost 3 yrs.

My now exah went to rehab and got clean & sober ~ it appeared that he was working a wonderful program of recovery.
At about 2 & 1/2 yrs sober ~ I started to notice little changes and a little before he celebrated 3 yrs sober - I knew he was in a full blown relapse. He continued to attend meetings and celebrate sobriety bdays.

It was very uncomfortable to me - because as my sponsor and I with the guidance from my HP decided - it was not my place to enlighten our family, friends and the rest of the world of his demise.

People will find out what they need to know when they need to know it ~

When I finally couldn't stay any longer and I left - most people thought he was still sober and blamed me for leaving - the truth was eventually revealed but I felt better knowing I had maintained by Grace, Poise and Dignity.

I believe you will feel the same - You know your truth ~ regardless if no one else on the Earth does!

You and Your HP believe you and that's all that matters!

PINK HUGS,
Rita