michaelsgirl

I have decided I need to go to a Al-Anon class and maybe it will help me cope with my boyfriend being a recovering alcoholic...day 19!!! (So far...) we have known each other for 22+ years (since high school) and re-united after a lot of years back in May of 2010. So we have been together over a year now...he used to drink and some times he would lie to me and say he was going to sisters or moms house and will be back later...and that turned into a night out with whoever and getting drunk and not coming home until the next day with a lot of "i am sorry's" well the last time this happened he was told he needed to move on and leave me and my kids alone. even though we were friends and I loved him very much I could no longer take it...he has no close family...no job...no money and unemployment was taken away from him so he told me he would never drink again and he would go to AA. I decided that I couldnt forgive myself if anything bad happened to him and he took a turn for the worse so I decided to let me heart forgive him one last time as long as he stayed on course and getting right for him not me. So far...he has done just that. So I pray daily that GOD show him the right way or the way out of our lives. I love him with all of my heart...my kids adore him but they nor I deserve this...so he has made new friends in AA and seems to enjoy going every evening...which I am proud of him for going. He is still looking for a job but I really want him to focus on his recovery and job will come in time. He is looking just not as hard as he could be but i am ok with that...he lives with me.

But my issue is...when he would drink at home I was okay with that...he seemed happy and we had fun together. Now that he isnt drinking anymore he gets angry and snaps at the littlest things...its like I dont know who he is anymore. He tells my kids what they need to do with lights on in the house etc...and that part doesnt bother me but if he EVER snaps at my kids like he does me I will absolultely lose it so....i have decided to find out when the al-anon classes are and I am going to go this week and every week...and I hope it helps me deal with this emotional roller coaster ride that I seem to be on...i dont know how to handle his mood-swings...he wants to go fishing with one of the guys from AA but I dont trust him alone with anyone right now...EVERY time he went with someone wihtout ME ... every time...he would come home late...or drunk...or high...or both ... or not even until the next day and he doenst know when to say no. I know this other person is in AA too but i dont trust him i sure cant trust someone else in AA just bothers me a little bit but he does know if he EVER drinks again or pulls that all nighter thing or lies to me again...he will be gone.

Any advice...sorry just had to get out what i was feeling...i dont really want my family know whats going on so I dont have anyone to tell all of this to...

sunshine321

Well we are not supposed to give advice so I won't. I'll just say welcome! Go to Al-Anon and you will learn a lot about yourself and how to be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

This is a tough disease to recover from, especially without a program. Since you say he is in a program, that is good news. It is not our job to police the addict and we have to trust that they will do the right thing. The insanity for us is when we try to control the situation. We are not their mothers or their keepers. The sooner we give up that job and learn that we have no control over people, places or things, the sooner we get better ourselves. Just keep coming back. it works if you work it.

Peace,
Jen

LifeRecovery

Welcome!!!

Al-Anon has helped me so much in my recovery journey. Know that for some they have to try a variety of meetings prior to finding ones that "fit."

Others will be along soon, keep posting and keep working on yourself.

michaelsgirl

Thank you sunshine321...i really appreciate the post. I need someone to tell me I am not crazy...i just dont understand how he acts some times and it kills me because I am a planner and a fixer and he is not a planner and just does whatever...he is still a child but I love him and everythign about him. He tells everyone that i saved his life and I really hope he realizes i have put up with a lot of hurt and tears in the past year i just want to trust him again and live our lives. if he says he doenst want to drink i have to believe him and hope and pray he doesnt...because he has made it to day 20 and I am so proud of him. he has so much love in my family to keep him motivated...what scares me is when he gets mad he wants to go have a drink...and i seem to keep making him mad because i dont understand how he acts now...so i dont think tomorrow's meeting can get here fast enough...atleast maybe one person there can tell me that i am not crazy and that i can learn to cope or figure out what to do next...my kids are growing so fast...i dont want to lose another year with them. I want them to look back and remember all the good times...not the times when their mom wasnt sleeping, or eating or crying all the time...i just want happy memories and even though i know we take the good with the bad...i just need to live for me...and i have NEVER been able to do that. I need to focus on ME!!!! and LET GO AND LET GOD!!! I know that works!! I pray daily and I thank GOD for everythign he has blessed me with. I love my life! I love my life!! Thanks to everyone for their prayers and "advice" I really need it...keep them coming

michaelsgirl

I noticed in reading some posts that there is a lot of abbreviating and I want to be able to read them...can someone tell me what they all mean? I feel stupid asking but not sure what some of them mean and its difficult for me to read and reply to some of them...sorry

TMZ

Welcome to SR Thanks for sharing.
I am new here too, but Have delt with an alachohal addict for the past 6 years. I am a member of al-anon.

I highly recomend you find a Al-anon group and go. It's not a class, it is a place to share and learn from others who are dealing with the same thing you are. It was, I think the turning point in my son's recovery. Because I learned form the mistakes and progress others shared stories.

I want to let you know you are a fixer and you can't fix this. It is a disease. (a family diesase) You will need to learn some new copping skills. Reading and posting here and al-anon will help you with that.

You can't control him, you only can control yourself and with your actions can influance his choices.

Vent here when you need to, it helps to get it out.
Hope this helps you some.

Be well,

yorkiegirl

Hi Michaelsgirl,

When I first joined, I didn't know all of the abbreviations also. Feel free to ask. (I remember seeing ES&H and wanted to know what that was. I googled it and found "Experience, Strength and Hope").

The people here are so wonderful. I have learned a lot and continue to learn! What a blessing this forum is.

Welcome!

michaelsgirl

TMZ, thank you for your post. I learned alot last week in Al-Anon...it was only a hour and we barely got started on time so it was actually less then that...I was uncomfortable at first and then didnt want it to end. I will be back this Thursday and I am trying to deal with this "disease" I just dont understand how someone can say they love you but not act like it. He loves to cook dinner and clean house and here lately he hasnt been doing any of that unless I ask him to cook something and usually he wants to fix something he wants and the kids dont like it so I have to fix something else because he will cook what he wants...eat and go to his AA meeting which is at the time we normally have a family meal together. I am on the fence when it comes to him. I dont know if I am supposed to be his "GIRLFRIEND" or his "FRIEND" right now. They told him in AA that he probably didnt need to be in a relationship right now since he just stop drinking so it makes me wonder why they would say that. We do argue but we argue and talk it out and everything is fine. We dont "FIGHT" I did that with my ex husband and i know what the difference is...I just want to walk out of this relationship some times but I dont want to give up on him. I want him to stick with this and me be here if he needs me but I have "needs" too. I want to be able to depend on him for anything and everything and it just seems like this "disease" has got us and my whole house on a stand still and its crazy. I am a planner and I want to do whatever I feel we need to do but I feel like I have to plan things without him and I want someone in my life that wants to do more with us...how long do I have to wait for him to decide he will never drink again and be ok with me and my kids. I dont want to WAIT and waste another year with my kids. My kids are growing up too fast that I just dont want to waste another day

Tuffgirl

Al-Anon will work miracles for you if you keep going. If there is one slogan I could offer you right now, it would be "back away from the addict". IMHO (in my humble opinion), there is way too many attempts to control and enmesh going on, no wonder you feel so frantic and frustrated. And when I say that, I mean attempts by you. He may be snapping at you because you are controlling him, and he doesn't like that - shoot no one does.

So instead of laying out everything you want HIM to be...try this...start thinking of how you want things to be...for YOU. Let him have his own life journey where he makes his own decisions and suffers his own consequences. Let him be a grown up and focus your attention on your life and raising your kids. You don't have to "waste another day" unless you choose to.

I separated from my husband. He's now 9 months sober and we live apart, because I decided it was best to put space between us while we went through our own recoveries, him from alcoholism, me from controlling co-dependence. I too am a planner. Heck, I do it for a living. But I am in control of no one but me. It's that simple. Once I let go of the need to control the world, amazingly the world became a much happier, much more peaceful place to live in.

michaelsgirl

Do you think what he was told in AA is what needs to be done? Just wondering your opinion. He has no place to go except Mommies...and he says he cant stand to live with her and he wants to be with us...so i am trying to figure out how to single myself away from him and be my own person. I am the kind of person that does everything I can do make everyone happy...EVERYONE!!! So all I ask in return is some love and appreciation...maybe I am asking too much? I dont know...but in your "opinion" do you think it would be better for him to move out until he can get a job and get sober longer without me being a headache and control "freak" that I may be not intentionally just like to have some planning and order in my life. Life is too short to waste...so I like to get what needs to get done...DONE and whatever is left LIVE LIFE!!

m1k3

Yes, you are asking too much, of yourself. The only person in the whole world whose happiness you are responsible for is yours. And how much time are you spending on that? You can't make anyone else happy, happiness is an attitude and comes from with-in. So quit trying to do the impossible and start taking care of your self.

Maybe go to al-anon more than once a week. I'm currently going twice a week myself and I feel pretty good about my recovery. Try reading 'Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself' by Melody Beattie. Its a really good book and based on your posts I think you will find it a good read. BTW I am a serious codependent myself.

You can get better and you can get happy again even if your A doesn't. I did and so have many others here and at al-anon.



Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Here's what I learned when my RAH was beginning recovery - expect nothing. Go on with my life and let him live his. It helped for me to move out but I understand that is not feasible for everyone. But you can stay married while he works his recovery. You'll just have to back way off...give him lots of space, compassion and empathy, and focus on your own stuff. Can you do that with him in your space? I can't answer that - but luckily you don't need to make a decision right now. Wait and see. As we say here often, more will be revealed soon.

What my husband and I were told - from AA, Al-Anon, and an addictions counselor - was to not address ANYTHING for the first year of sobriety in regards to the marriage, and to not make any drastic decisions (aside from me moving out, of course, that was pretty darn drastic!). My therapist (the addictions counselor) wouldn't even see us for marriage counseling until we both reached the one year mark - him in AA, me in Al-Anon.

Think of recovery this way: its not just getting someone off booze. It's a learning process of understanding addictions and learning new ways of thinking and new coping skills for handling life's curveballs without resorting to alcohol/drugs. It's a process and it takes time.

I am amazed at how much patience I have! Impatience was one of my biggest personality shortcomings and after lots of hard work on my part, I took my claws out of my husband's back and let him go. I also found forgiveness and compassion and the ability to love him regardless of the past and the potential future. It is doable, but will require lots of work on your part to change your own "stinkin thinkin". (another AA and Al-Anon phrase)

michaelsgirl

Not sure I can do this...he is driving me crazy. He isnt drinking again but he doesnt have a job and he says he is looking but he isnt getting out and looking...he is looking online at his convenience...all the while I am paying for everything. Except his truck and insurance ... he is about to lose his truck and making me feel bad about it...if he was really worried about it or me paying for the bills wouldnt he get off his rear and go look for something other than waiting for someone to hand it to him or waiting for a phone call on some online inquiry?? Am I being harsh? I am a single mom of 2 and yes he helps around the house when he wants to with laundry, dishes, house cleaning etc...but for me dealing with his ups and downs and him keeping his PHONE close to him at all times on silent on vibrate...i worry that maybe I am not helping him by being okay with all of this...can you tell me what I am doing wrong or maybe I need to push him out until he can deal with this on his own...its making it very hard for me to work and relax when I get home. Tomorrow I am supposed to take my kids school shopping and I want him to go with me but part of me wants me to leave him at home...spend time with my kids and see how he does without us on a Friday night...i know I cant keep him from doing wrong but i am scared he will when we are gone and I want that man i fell in love with to be with us...just his ups and downs and being out and about while I am at work NOT LOOKIGN for work...has me stressed 24/7...not sleeping and I worry all thetime. Its like having a older teenager in my house and I dont know what to do...HELP!!

michaelsgirl

How am I supposed to be okay with my boyfriend that refuses to go out and get a job...he is 26 days sober and goes to AA every night but I am stressing out ... am I being too harsh on him...i dont care if he works or not really because he does help around the house with kids and cleaning, laundry etc...but he is down on hisself for having no money and I am a single mom I dont have any extra to help him...i know I am supposed to support him and be there for him...but its hard to deal with his ups and downs and he says everyday he is going to lose his truck because he doesnt have a job or insurance on his truck anymore...but everytime i find a lead on a job...he says it doesnt pay enough or its not what he wants to do...am I crippling him by letting him live with me? He has been with me for a year and now been jobless for 3 months What am I supposed to do? I am going to Al-anon again tonight...first time last week...and I will vent there but just wanted some insight from anyone that wants to share...thanks for your time and I hope everyone has a great day!!!

michaelsgirl

well not doing too well...he is now on the road driving a truck and I cant live like this. Not knowing what he is doing from day to day. Says he will call me and doesnt call...how do i end this without him going back down that "drinking" road again...i know its not my responsibility but I feel responsible when I am the one that got him to stop drinking and get in AA and if I end this while he is away (not sure when he will be home) i dont wnat to be the reason he goes back to drinking I just cant take the lies, or the fact I cant depend on him for a simple phone call much less anything else...he isnt that man i thought he was or wanted to be...i feel he wants to be FREE with someone here waiting...i cant!! I have to LIVE!!! And I wanted to live with him but obviously he has other plans...can anyone tell me what I should or shouldnt do here Sorry to do this on here but dealing with a recovering alcoholic I need some advice badly!!!

SoaringSpirits

michaelsgirl, I have lived with my husband, who is an alcoholic, for 20 years. The last 7 years have been tough as he drank more and more. Last spring I decided that I could no longer live that way and we separated. With that space, I was able to see how enmeshed I had become with him and his disease.

It really freed me up when I learned the 3 C's:

I didn't cause it,
I can't control it,
I can't cure it.

Letting go of whether or not he drank really took a huge weight off me. Whether he chooses to seek recovery or not is HIS choice, and his life is his own path. My life is my own path. I hope our paths cross again, but it's really out of my hands.

The stickies at the top of this section are great. Read as much as you can, educate yourself, attend as much Al-Anon as you can. You are not alone!

michaelsgirl

Well to end this chapter in my life...he got a job driving a truck and has been gone for over a month and I havent heard from him in 3 weeks. He chose to not communicate with me and I have to take that as a sign that we are over. I notified him that I would pack up his stuff and take to his moms...no response. I notified his mom and she said she would take his stuff for me and she understands that its just not the life I can live with being a single mom and 2 kids and no communication or support from someone I love ...sad thing is...i supported him emotionally, financially, can he got in to AA and his family thanks me for that...he told me one time I saved his life and maybe I did but he tried to RUIN mine. I guess thats what I get for trying to help someone...but I wont let it get me down. I am going to move on in my life and LIVE. I will continue to prray for him everyday and even though we dont have closure I will hope and pray he is okay out there on the road and wish him luck in life...just really hope he doesnt hurt anyone else like this...I am heartbroken...maybe he will grow up one day...but I really dont care to see him ever again...he hurt me and my kids so bad...that I dont think I could ever forgive him...even though the christian thing is to forgive and forget but he hurt me so much that its going to be hard but I will try. Thanks for everyone's posts and I really hope everyone is doing ok. Do me a favor...tell your significant other how much you appreciate them. We are all human we have hearts...we all love one way or another but we dont always get the love we need or deserve. Take care.