I am UP today...
 

First because I have taken steps to start doing stuff I want to do - for myself, not because my sister is making me get out, not because it'd be cool for DS, but because I WANT to.

Second because I've reconnected with several old friends, who are turning out to be great 'new' friends.

Third, I splurged on a new haircut and color(s) for myself. I love it! (And am trying really hard to not beat myself up about having spent that money on ME.)

Last, Fred (the friend XAAH told me hated me) came to the house this weekend to help with the pick up and drop off of DS for his Daddy Weekend. DS's leaving for the weekend was uneventful - XAAH's girlfriend came alone to get DS and she had no idea who was with me at the door. But there was some one with me at the door so she was QUIET. - No rants about me being unreasonable or stupid or not seeing how much XAAH loves her.... (ttthhhhpt)

The 'fun' part was when Fred and I drove to pick up DS from XAAH's house yesterday. The look on XAAH's face... indescribable, nearly delectable. Fred went to the door and let me stay in the car; XAAH came to the door with DS. It is THE FIRST time XAAH has ever looked from the person at the door (usually my Sister or BIL) to see if I was in the car. When he saw that I was there, in Fred's car, therefore with Fred, (i.e. Fred didn't just happen to stop by to say howdy at the same time I came to get DS) his face went ashen. He literally staggered a step back.

Maybe I shouldn't be so happy about that 'oh f-, I'm caught with my hand in the cookie jar' look on XAAH's face. But I am.

Meanwhile, I'm pulling together all of my journal notes on XAAH's shenanigans (3 different locations: paper calendar - ***** calendar and calendar/note pad on iPad and phone - gotta stop doing that. 1 - just 1 calendar.) If nothing else, the stunt he pulled for his CA trip and his lies to and/or his visitation supervisors' lies and making DS lie about the visit should be enough for further modification.




So, now in mental review of the past week or so... I'm feeling a bit like I'm manic depressive or bipolar... I'm either UPPPPP or DOOOWN. It's been so long.... I just want to be normal. This doesn't feel normal yet.

Define "normal"! :c032:

So, is Fred becoming a new "friend"? Or just a friend...

That up and down isn't necessarily bipolar. Or else I've got the same disorder. And GOD I hope you've got enough to get full custody!!!

There's nothing wrong with that. There's no malice in it. :)

Having been through the whole roller coaster of dealing with an alcoholic "partner," I think it's actually healthy to get a kick out of situations like that.
In some ways, I think enjoying the interesting reactions shows that we've let go of our desperation to be validated and of our expectations of things that we know we won't get from the addict, and are now free to detach and enjoy the humor of what we do see.

I hope you have enough for full custody, as well. Goodness knows you deserve it!

I know that I'm not bipolar or manic depressive or what ever. It just... after years of numbing everything just so I don't feel what I felt while with him, it's so weird to feel any feelings on my own. - Not tied to how much XAAH did or did not drink that day, not tied to XAAH being PO'd at his co-workers or boss and therefore tiptoeing around the house so we didn't become the target of this anger... Not tied to XAAH's new job "thinking he's God" (not a god mind you, GOD) and therefore knowing it's OK to smile today...

A friend who went through a very similar situation put that time well - Afraid to Hope because Hope will kill you. Not the having Hope part; that was all fine and dandy. But because when that hope is bashed against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, which it inevitably was, you could end up right there with it.... (If that makes any sense to any one else....)

Custody.... we'll see. Thing of it is, XAAH voluntarily gave up legal custody and physical custody. So I feel kind of like I'm whining about nothing, but at the same time that the judge said good, that's the way this was going any way, and then gave him nearly every weekend any way. Supervised visits, but overnight visits supervised by his family and new enabler/future abuse victim...

Even though I have legal custody, XAAH was still able to tell me NO, I could not take DS on a 2-week vacation to the Cook Islands (a free trip for DS and I, BTW) because he would not work with me on switching the visitation around. And then this recent hullabaloo.

But then I remember the look on his face when he realized I was talking with Fred again and it's not just my family that knows about what he did and continues to do. And I remember I have valid reasons for trying to protect DS and to keep us both safe. And I am not alone any more.

I think I understand what you're saying about the Ups and Downs feelings after having to latch onto the numb feelings for so long. Feeling our feelings is kind of new and exhilerating in a way, I think. :wild

I think you're doing GREAT! :ghug3