How sick we become...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
How sick we become...
Been reading and posting here for a while and it's just amazing how many stories here are so much alike. Same ****, different drunk. Some of the posts Ive read could have been written by me and applied word for word!
What kills me is that we as nons never end up looking good in these situations. We are victims of abuse and are so often pushed to levels where we do crazy things, feel crazy, and take the blame. It's shocking to me how our entire lives and selves are dismantled bit by bit until there is nothing left but a hollow shell.
I have become so sick in the nearly 2 years I've been involved with XABF to the point where I almost took my own life because he had successfully convinced me I was the problem. His verbal and emotional abuse was so intense I believed I was worthless and nobody would ever love me and clung to him after my friends, health, finances, job, etc. all fell by the wayside. I swear part of me still wants him to validate me after he treated me like garbage over and over again. I begged HIM not to abandon ME. Sick! I feel so ashamed. We havent even had 24 hours of NC and I am still obsessed with this.
At least here I have learned that my situation is not at all unique and they all follow the same patterns in relationships. At least I'm not the only one that questions her own sanity. Thank you all so much, it's been so helpful. SR is truly a life saver!
What kills me is that we as nons never end up looking good in these situations. We are victims of abuse and are so often pushed to levels where we do crazy things, feel crazy, and take the blame. It's shocking to me how our entire lives and selves are dismantled bit by bit until there is nothing left but a hollow shell.
I have become so sick in the nearly 2 years I've been involved with XABF to the point where I almost took my own life because he had successfully convinced me I was the problem. His verbal and emotional abuse was so intense I believed I was worthless and nobody would ever love me and clung to him after my friends, health, finances, job, etc. all fell by the wayside. I swear part of me still wants him to validate me after he treated me like garbage over and over again. I begged HIM not to abandon ME. Sick! I feel so ashamed. We havent even had 24 hours of NC and I am still obsessed with this.
At least here I have learned that my situation is not at all unique and they all follow the same patterns in relationships. At least I'm not the only one that questions her own sanity. Thank you all so much, it's been so helpful. SR is truly a life saver!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
nicam
I am just beginning to realize that I am not the crazy one. I believed the lies and the manipulation to the point where I avoided everyone close to me after being told how no one could stand me due to my insanity. I also have realized that age, experience, education, whatever, is no defense against such a sustained attack on our esteem. I would have told you I am smarter than to fall into such a trap. Obviously, I wasn't. I am working on recovering myself and that is what I would encourage you to do too. We do not have to be hollow shells; we can fill them with goodness, love, and self-value.
You are sooooo right. The stories are so heartbreakingly similar.
I am just beginning to realize that I am not the crazy one. I believed the lies and the manipulation to the point where I avoided everyone close to me after being told how no one could stand me due to my insanity. I also have realized that age, experience, education, whatever, is no defense against such a sustained attack on our esteem. I would have told you I am smarter than to fall into such a trap. Obviously, I wasn't. I am working on recovering myself and that is what I would encourage you to do too. We do not have to be hollow shells; we can fill them with goodness, love, and self-value.
You are sooooo right. The stories are so heartbreakingly similar.
LOL
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I too got suicidal, I was so miserable...
I too look desperately for validation, not seeking it is a new territory.
Anyway I am aware of all the love, empathy, hugs, affection I missed from the male figure for 30 years. I know it is not about XABF, it is about me and this void within. It is not XABF's fault that he cannot give love. He is also deeply hurt and keeps on with the self destruction. Our story was not about love but about unmet needs.
At least now that I am aware of this I am being silent so I can listen to my heart! being single so I can know who I am. Once this emptiness is filled by ME, by nature, by HP, by arts and flowers and beauty in its many forms... validation will no longer be an issue... how I look will not be a matter of concern.. what others say, think, believe about me won't be important, either... the whole "fear/ego based living" will be a matter of the past. Or just a slip every now and then at most.
It is wonderful to realize our life is in our hands.
Work in progress...
All the best
Hugs again!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Sadly, I agree with the fact that we non-A's end up looking and feeling more insane than the actual A. I use to sneak all over town because I didn't want my ex or anyone that knew me back while I dated him to see me. Why???? I did nothing wrong. He should be the one slinking around town like a snake. But, he made me feel like I was the worst insane/psychopath/stage 5 clinger in town......and I believed him! He told everyone we knew that he drank because of me and everyone thought I was such a b*tch for doing that to him. He's so good at convincing everyone what a stand-up guy he is. Now I know that is alcoholism at work because he is nothing but a big walking/talking damaged brain with some sociopathy thrown in.
Now, I don't care what anyone thinks. I shed that past life and all the people in it like a snake sheds its skin. I try to have amnesia about that period in my life and move forward because its too hard for me to rehash and right all the wrongs because there are too many. I know all the good people from my past know the real truth. I try to think of it as a brand new life and today is fresh with no mistakes in it!
Now, I don't care what anyone thinks. I shed that past life and all the people in it like a snake sheds its skin. I try to have amnesia about that period in my life and move forward because its too hard for me to rehash and right all the wrongs because there are too many. I know all the good people from my past know the real truth. I try to think of it as a brand new life and today is fresh with no mistakes in it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 187
I swear we DO become more insane than them! I don't even know who I am anymore and have become powerless over my life, etc. I want the power back. He has owned my happiness for too long. Im an addict too, addicted to whatever it is that he gives me, which is poisonous but I crave it like water.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
I'm in the same boat as the rest of you!! It's a love/hate relationship. I hate the disease (the person he becomes when drunk, the alcohol) yet I love him (and who he is when he's sober). Very conflicting emotions that leave me feeling torn. I know how you feel...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Just4me 
I'm in the same boat as the rest of you!! It's a love/hate relationship. I hate the disease (the person he becomes when drunk, the alcohol) yet I love him (and who he is when he's sober). Very conflicting emotions that leave me feeling torn. I know how you feel...
I'm stuck on the sober him, the one I fell in love with. Whenever I think about how mad I am at him and how unhappy I am, I will see a picture of us together on a good day and linger on the fact that maybe it will happen again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
I feel the same too sadly to say and although my son is a substance abuser I feel as if Im out of my mind and doing crazy things, how crazy....crazy, hes pointed out numerous times that i must have a mental disorder and am going insane , and honestly sometimes it does feel like it
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
I want to say thank you all for your posts. I feel exactly the same way. It seems my AH knows just the things to say to make me feel guilty and crazy...WHEN I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. I didn't cause it, I cant control it, and I can't cure it (although I must say I have endlessly tried). It is very hard for me to change my obsessive thinking but that's why I only take it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by duqld1717
Sadly, I agree with the fact that we non-A's end up looking and feeling more insane than the actual A. I use to sneak all over town because I didn't want my ex or anyone that knew me back while I dated him to see me. Why???? I did nothing wrong. He should be the one slinking around town like a snake. But, he made me feel like I was the worst insane/psychopath/stage 5 clinger in town......and I believed him! He told everyone we knew that he drank because of me and everyone thought I was such a b*tch for doing that to him. He's so good at convincing everyone what a stand-up guy he is. Now I know that is alcoholism at work because he is nothing but a big walking/talking damaged brain with some sociopathy thrown in.
Now, I don't care what anyone thinks. I shed that past life and all the people in it like a snake sheds its skin. I try to have amnesia about that period in my life and move forward because its too hard for me to rehash and right all the wrongs because there are too many. I know all the good people from my past know the real truth. I try to think of it as a brand new life and today is fresh with no mistakes in it!
Now, I don't care what anyone thinks. I shed that past life and all the people in it like a snake sheds its skin. I try to have amnesia about that period in my life and move forward because its too hard for me to rehash and right all the wrongs because there are too many. I know all the good people from my past know the real truth. I try to think of it as a brand new life and today is fresh with no mistakes in it!
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