Songtx

When I met my husband 5 years ago, I wasn't a problem drinker. Not gonna say I didn't drink some wine to destress oce in a while, or drink a bit too much socially on occasion. My husband was, however a pretty heavy drinker, with a history of even heavier drinking. Our relationship started out by going out drinking together. I worked at night so the drinking wad reserved mainly for a few nights of the week for me. I'm really not sure what he did from 5pm until I got home around 11, but he was always passed out asleep. Fast forward 10 months into the relationship and we are married and moved across the country to a place where we know noone. I don't get a job right away and nightly drinking ensues[. At this time we are accustomed to drinking IPA's, a pretty strong beer for a hundred pound girl, especially when you are polishing a 12 pack regularly with your husband practically every night. To add to the drinking problem, we end up with heavy drinking neighbors who we party with til the wee hours for a few years. Eventually, we are drinking more and more and we are doing it every night. Problems staryed aroind 2 years in. I was having blacd angry outbursts while drunk. I woke up feeling horrible and guilty. I became embarrassed of how many beer bottles were making a racket on garbage day. I began tosee us how our socially drinking ftiends must, like a couple of drunks. Sute, we accomplishedsome things, but we mainly just partied. My husbanf does not get hangovers, nor foes drinking interfere with his work (especially now that he works grom home) or hobbies. He'll wrk on rebuilding a stereo, fixing his car, programming a computer, all whilst getting drinking, and never without drinking. He just happens to have a motivated personality. I ended up not getting any job and stayed home learning guitar and writing songs. We started a band, recorded songs staryed making money, all tje while alcohol taking its's toll on me. Besides the music drinking became all we did. Many nights we chose to drink instead of music, and if we did do music, we ended up drunk amd unsuccesful. Alcohol became my crutch. I tried to stay healthy, take long walks, stay occupied, but every day around 5 I would crack open that beer. He would follow close behind. Don't get me wrong, it was fun times, but it was taking over. After 3 and a half years of fun, we finally had a stressor and it changed everything. We moved to a new house, and the drinking got even worse, fot me. I guess my progrssion toward alcholism increased. I started blacking out almost every time I drank. I had angry outbursts and yelled and screamed, unable to recall the next day. My husband acted like it wasn't a big deal, except the fact that I was mean to him. The days that I wouldn't drink were when I was so hung over I spent half yhe day in bed. I finally decided something had to change after blacking out and ending up over a neighbors who we never met and falling drunk into their pool. About a week later a friend slept over and she slept in the bed with me. I woke up during s blackout and yelled "everyone loves me", which is kind of funny, but in tje morning all I remembered was yelling at her. I had no idea what horrible things Icould have said. I felt scared and sick. Again, my husband did not teally react. I stopped rinking 9 days ago. It has not been easy. For one, I have major depression, and apparently have been self medicating all this time My moods are uncontrollable and I am unbelievably sad and angry. I have been drinking so long now I teally don't know what else to do. My husband is still drinking nightly and it's getting to me I know I shouldn't expect him to stop. I just get annoyed with him when he's drunk. I think mostly because IM

Songtx

Mostly because I'm pretty sure he'll never stop. He doesn't see it as a problem. No hangover, no work problems. I see the effects on him, beer gut, skipping meals, poor self care, annoying others when he's drunk. Now that I'm sober all the problems in the relationship we were avoiding by drinking are cropping up. We are fighting non stop. He is telling me I'm being a bitch and I need to get a life. He refuses to hear that I learned to just drink imstead of being productive. Our problems go on and on. I just don't see it getting better. He refuses to go to councelling, much the same way he won't touch a fruit or vegetable. I also don't think I want to live with drinking at all. I know he has a problem, but he has no insight. He also has ADD and says alcohol "helps", which I bet it does. He shakes alot after a night of heavy drinking. A few weeks ago, I spent the night at a friends to not be around drinkingand he wound up out wth an old drinking buddy drinking whiskey and many beers. So, now it looks like I've got to leave anf move homr 2000 miles away. No $, no job, no car. Do I love him? I think so. I don't know if he will change, and I'm afraid once I do, we will just grow apart anyway. What a mess. I thought I was supposed to feel better, I aso gave up smoking 2 months ago. I just feel like everything got much worse.

Songtx

wow. Many typos. Typed in a frenzy on a crappy cell. Needed to vent.

Carol Star

Work the recovery you wish he would work. One day at a time. Get in your own hoola hoop. Your recovery. What can you do today to help YOU stay sober/healthy. Get to a meeting. If you force recovery on him he will get pissed. Even if only you get into recovery the relationship will get better.

Shekni

I am not married to my AN but can relate to the progression of your own drinking just by hanging out with other heavier drinkers. This has happened to me with my bf over almost 4 years. I have been saying stuff to him after drinking wine and this caused him to break up me on the phone Saturday. In my heart I feel that this may be the end of ride with this man even though I love him a lot. I am going to try my hardest to keep from calling, stopping by, etc. If he does not contact me, the relationship will evaporate. I am trying to take care of myself and going to go shopping for my birthday. All of my facebooks friends are wishing me happy birthday, which actually helped! Hang in there!

StarCat

First, congratulations on your own decision to seek sobriety, and your own 9 days sober. That's wonderful!

Secondly, you're starting to ask some really difficult decisions about your marriage. Please recognize that you don't have to decide anything right away, you can take your time, and focus on your own recovery. Once you are in a healthier place mentally, you will be ready for the answer that is right for you - nobody here can tell you what to do, because the details to everyone's story are different, and so are the feelings behind it.
The right answer can be the wrong answer if it's done at the wrong time, when you're not emotionally ready for it. I tried to leave my XABF many times, even kicked him out of the apartment for a week, but he was always back because I wasn't ready and willing to say goodbye yet. Each time I tried to leave made the next attempt even harder, for me, because he had more experience in getting me to come back. But when I was ready to leave, absolutely certain that it was the right decision, nothing could stop me.

When you find the answer you want, when you discover the path you feel is best for your situation, nothing will stop you, either. You'll be ready.


Welcome to the forum.
I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here, and I am glad that you found us.
You're not alone.