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Did I say the right thing?

Old 08-07-2011, 03:55 PM
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Did I say the right thing?

My fiance and I live in different states and he is an alcoholic but high functioning. He was pulled over the other day for a brokes headlight and the police smelled alcohol on his breath. He refused to take a breath alyzer so they took him to jail for 15 hours. Over the years his family and I have tried to tell him what a problem alcohol is in his life. I finally told him that if he didn't go to AA I didn't want the relationship anymore. he said that he really doesn't have the desire to quit drinking and because we have been together for 11 years, I think he thinks I will always stay with him. He jogs 5 miles every other day andis very vain about his appearance, but his teeth are getting black and rotting because of the drinking and smoking and I told him they were and that it is not very attractive, that obviously he doesn;t care about himself.

My question is that I feel that i hurt his feelings and now I regret saying something so mean, even if it is true. I just wanted to get a reaction from him if I attacked him personally. I feel bad that I said that. Did i do the right thing?
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:05 PM
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So did you mean what you said or was it just to get a reaction out of him?

What are you getting out of the relationship at this point?
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:13 PM
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I did mean what i said. I'm not getting anything out of the relationship at this point. I am close to his family and to him and I felt like I'm deserting him at a bad time in his life.
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:24 PM
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I have been married almost 30 years to my AH and the only thing I get out of it is a roof over my head and the chance to keep my family together. I understand completely about feeling bad attacking them personally. I know when I do, I meant every word. I don't do it much because it doesn't make a difference. I just stay fustrated all the time, which is not healthy for me. If he is your fiance, think twice before getting married. You can not change them by doing so. I think things just get worse slowly.
You said this is a bad time in his life, I don't think there is ever a good time. Just my thoughts. Good luck to you. I wish you much happiness and joy that we all so richly deserve.
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Old 08-07-2011, 04:43 PM
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Thank you copingwife.
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Old 08-07-2011, 05:19 PM
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May be time to move forward with your life.

He has told you that he is not going to quit drinking, so, if were me, I'd believe him.

If what you said is a boundery then so be it...he either stops drinking, embraces a strong recovery program, or, you are history.

The ball is in his court.
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:23 PM
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Thanks dollydo. I just started to feel that maybe I didn't have to "hit below the belt" like I did. He has always been a very kind and complimentary person towards me.
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Old 08-07-2011, 06:32 PM
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Sometimes the truth hurts. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. He's a big boy and he'll get over it. I find that when we worry about things like that, we are generally the only ones even thinking about it.

In any case, he's told you he doesn't want to quit drinking, so there it is. You either accept that and marry him anyway, or you move on.
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:01 PM
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Hi lb6493, my XABF is a high functioning alcoholic as well. Mine did the same as yours..they try to give the impression they are healthy with the jogging, etc. In my case, he was on herbs from China to cure his cirrhosis to impress me because I am a health nut, and is drinking and drugging when I'm not around..now how stupid is that? His teeth are the same, and he doesn't take care of his health whatsoever. He has sleep apnea, smokes like a chimney, and says he can't sleep with the machine, but he's fine, he wakes up every day..MAJOR DENIAL, holy cow...one day, he won't ever wake up because he will just stop breathing. They are on a path to destruction, and they don't care. Mine said he will always drink, no matter what, even at the risk of everyone in his two failed marriages despising him. Don't worry about offending him; I think it's impossible to insult them. I told him no decent woman wants a drinker and a drugger. He said that's okay, he'll just be a confirmed bachelor. And they don' remember what they said because of their brain fog. They have an answer for everything, just walk away...
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Old 08-12-2011, 07:49 PM
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lb6493,

The best thing I did for myself (and for my then-actively alcoholic husband) was to leave. It was really hopeless. My husband was not high-functioning like your fiance. My husband was "barely functional" and progressively getting worse. I said things that hurt him. He said things that hurt me. I could no longer decipher if I meant what I said or if I was being drawn into his clouded alcoholic thinking. I eventually learned to stop engaging, especially when he was drinking. Our home environment, our relationship were all so very toxic. It was awful. After 14.5 years, whatever hope I had for his sobriety (and our lives together) slowly but surely chipped away.

Everything was (is) a process, but my leaving allowed him to eventually hit his bottom. My enabling (which I thought was "support") probably helped to prevent him from hitting bottom. He didn't care or didn't seem to care about legal problems, DUIs, his health, jail, death, etc. It didn't happen as soon as I left, but he did hit his bottom, after I left, which allowed him to seek recovery. I don't think he thought I would ever leave. I didn't leave for him to sober up. That hope had passed for me by the time I mustered up the courage and strength (barely) to leave. I left because my own life was deteriorating (and I didn't want this kind of life for our young child).

lb6493, you have to do, say, and act what is comfortable and authentic for you. If you have to worry about how he feels, what he thinks, whether or not you hurt his feeilngs all the time, those might be red flags of your co-dependency. You are not responsible for how he takes what you say. If you said what you meant and meant it with the best of intentions, you didn't say anything wrong. Sometimes even our "best intentions" hurt others. In healthy relationships, partners can talk about how what we say or do hurts each other openly and honestly --work things out. Most of us here who are in relationships with alcoholics/addicts don't have healthy relationships. (I would bet, a great number of couples even those outside of this forum who are in relationships with non-alcoholics also suffer from unhealthy relationships too who can't openly discuss these kinds of things).

Being in a relationship with an active alcoholic is really tough. Our minds can get easily clouded, second-guessing ourselves. It's an abusive situation. (I'm not saying the alcoholics are necessarily abusive but the "situation becomes abusive.") I really felt like I had suffered from post-traumatic syndrome after I left my husband (we're back together after about two years of separation. He is sober/in recovery). I still feel a bit of PTSD, but much much better.

Please continue to come here to the SR forum and share your thoughts. There are a lot of wise people here who can give you great feedback! I hope you learn to trust and honor your feelings more than worrying about his (as important as his are, too).

Thank you for posting!
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