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Do they treat the next girl better?

Old 09-08-2011, 06:49 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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and also... it doesn't matter, it isn't anybody's business but theirs, and unless he's in recovery you already know what he's doing... grooming her to be the next co-dependent enabler. She'll be treated like a queen until he thinks he's closed the deal, then wham!

All of that said, it doesn't matter and it's his and her business.

Take care,

Cyranoak
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Old 09-08-2011, 06:51 PM
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Thank you thank you thank you for this post. I really needed to read everything. Sticky for sure!!
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Old 09-08-2011, 09:16 PM
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Everyone looks happy in public!
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Old 09-09-2011, 06:59 AM
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I reread this note to remind myself of the things I want, whenever I think I miss what we had.

I have been thinking recently about the roles of the partners in a marriage, outside of parent, provider, lover etc. and have come to the conclusion that a very important role, which could make for a very happy marriage is that of a ‘pedestal’.
‘Pedestal’ – noun, support for a statue; ‘pedestal’ – intangible concept, respect and support for one’s spouse or partner.
Pedestals are organic, they grow and change as time goes by and people develop and mature, but they must be nurtured, they are not infallible. Pedestals need to be as sturdy as marble and as obvious as the weather, they need to be examined for cracks and lovingly maintained.
Alcohol is a powerful pedestal erosion agent.

I too have checked facebook pics and yes my stbxah is back with the GF he cheated on me with. I was Furious and tearful and devastated and all those other way too familiar awful feelings I had when we were together. I went to alanon meetings and just kept reading these wonderful awful posts.

I wish them well I wish I could tie a little red ribbon around him for her!

Lesson for myself? Don't look at FB anymore!
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:11 AM
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I just need to add that shortly after I saw the pics I got a text from him that he misses me alot Hmmmmm....

Hope I answered any questions
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Old 09-09-2011, 07:30 PM
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Great thread! Great replies! Thanks everyone!
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Old 09-10-2011, 09:30 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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I am the "next girl" in my relationship, and the one before was the "next girl" from his relationship prior to that. I personally think that two relationships are not the same, people connect in different ways, agree about certain things, disagree about certain things. I think the common aspect is the alcoholism or addiction, we all have had to deal with a certain amount of hardship because of it, but different hardship manifested in different ways.

I think it is hard to separate what parts of a relationship were because of you and him, and what parts were just because of him. The parts that were you and him, whether good or bad, will not be present in his relationship with his new gf. But the parts that were him will most likely seep into every relationship he has until he finds change for himself.
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Old 09-26-2011, 09:03 PM
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Your post inspired me. I'm newly out of relationship with a an addict. Most challenging relationship of my life. He's in a rehab facility for 2 months now and decided he can't be "boyfriend material" right now, although he's suddenly best friends with another girl in the rehab facility. Anyway, it was really great to hear how far you've come and how you began anew. Thanks for sharing!
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Old 09-26-2011, 11:34 PM
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While my EX does not have someone in his life right now, he is back trolling the on-line sites for a new enabler. What makes me shake my head is that he lists himself as "drinking socially." That happened 2 weeks after we split up.

He can't understand me - happy living on my own but as I explained to him, it was lonelier living with him as he was either working, sleeping, drinking or a combination thereof.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:22 AM
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Some great responses here, and just imagine, if your ex has walked of into a landscape where the grass is greener, and everything is constantly in bloom, in a word he found paradise- it would be of no use to you whatsover to dwell on it!
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Old 09-27-2011, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
A new broom sweeps clean. It's probably a fairly new relationship where he's on his best behavior while he reels her in. Most drunks and druggies can be so over-the-top charming, witty, and funny...for a little while. This is what I call the "pretend guy". The "pretend guy" is who we fall for. Then "real guy" emerges and we spend months, years, decades waiting and wanting the fantasy of who we thought they were, who we want them to be to return.
What a wonderful Post:
You explained my exabf to a "T" at first he was all of that, charming but underneath all that was pure ugliness and it rose to the surface... I'm so glad I set myself free of that..
Thank You for reminding me of that.
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Old 09-27-2011, 01:48 PM
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I WAS the next girl.....And they don't treat the next girl better because they don't know how. I'll compile the bs.....basically, I found out my xabf has been engaged 8 times!! I may be the 8th or 9th; who knows? He lies so much. He told me he sabotaged each and every relationship with porn and alcohol. Why hasn't he learned from this? Because, "I don't want to feel." Seriously. He wants no feelings from guilt to happiness because he doesn't know what to do with them. I believe him.

He was charming, loving, supportive and attentive. He listened, was funny and fun to be with, seemed responsible and compassionate, and the flirting, my goodness, the flirting!! When he moved in, all of that changed within hours, I tell you!! He was angry, defensive, sullen, asexual, childlike, and an alcoholic. I lied to myself, saying his attitude change has to be due to the long trip and move to my house....he's tired, I told myself. NOPE. This is who he is, was, and will be. As long as alcohol is his lover, then there is no room for anyone human. It's not like he could twist off my head and drink me.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:17 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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My Uncle taught me this saying "Watch how people treat other people and pretty soon they will get around to treating you this way."

That works for people that treat others well, and for people that treat others poorly.
I like to flip it around whenever someone asks the question you are asking:

"Watch how people treat you and pretty soon they will get around to treating others that way, too."

It's Not About You. I promise. And if for some reason he has had some miraculous change in character, which is unlikely, it still doesn't make his poor treatment of you about you.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:21 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Yep. "Next Girl" #5 here. It took a bit longer for me to come around than the other ones (I was stubborn and thought I could "save" him), but yeah, my marriage/relationship with my XAH was the same as the previous relationships he had. He meets a girl, charmes her, they have some happy moments, things turn ugly as he is abusive and an alkie/drug user, they have a child which effectively ties her to him, the relatioship deteriorates and he begins to make threats to take the child, he runs off after losing custody...Lather, rinse, repeat.

My DD is his fourth child, and I assume there is a fifth or sixth already.

Now that I'm gently poking my toe into the dating scene, I always examine the way a man discusses his ex, and what sorts of relationships he has with the women in his life, be they friends or family. Those are telling clues...
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Old 09-27-2011, 05:05 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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They are, noday! even the way they treat the waiter....

I am coming to the office this week and yesterday saw XABF from afar ...

I felt some anger but honestly, people don't change, at least not the ones commited to change like us here, people in therapy, 12 step groups, etc etc... why would people change if they are doing nothing to become someone different?

Gladly I no longer need to see how he is doing but I realized he is thin, whiter, had the same "holier than thou" attitude and was just grateful I have nothing to do with him. Its my life what is important here.

I also believe they just put a persona to lure the victim then the truth comes out. We always show who we truly are...
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Old 09-27-2011, 08:52 PM
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I remember xabf never talked about his past relationships, til I cornered him towards the end of ours. But he talked about his mother and sister like they were horrible trash. Those two women are the most successful in the family and codependent, but very nice, strong women nonetheless. It wasn't long before he was calling me a c***hair after I beat him in a card game, trying to pass it off as trash talk, like in sports. I said, "Unacceptable. Don't start a slippery slope with that kind of talk. It's disrespectful." Never heard it again. But, boy, did he treat me like one!! I believe a woman can tell how a man will treat her by they way he treats his mother. I thought maybe this time it'll be different since he loooooves his grandma so much and she isn't his biggest enabler at all. I was wrong, wrong, wrong.
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:13 PM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
A new broom sweeps clean. It's probably a fairly new relationship where he's on his best behavior while he reels her in. Most drunks and druggies can be so over-the-top charming, witty, and funny...for a little while. This is what I call the "pretend guy". The "pretend guy" is who we fall for. Then "real guy" emerges and we spend months, years, decades waiting and wanting the fantasy of who we thought they were, who we want them to be to return.
Hahaha, well said. I love "the pretend guy".

My exAH's girlfriend moved out. I like her a lot--she's good to my daughter, too, but we've talked and he's still the same when he's drunk as he was when he was drunk with me. She still sees him but she won't live with him anymore.
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Old 09-29-2011, 05:25 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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I have issues with the fact that I LET this happen to me.
I knowingly brought children into the world w/ this man. Yes it was because I love him...but I sure wish I had known then what I know now...

and wish I had the courage to make the change I needed to make rather than keep trying to make it better.

Now...19 yrs later. I do still love him. He's in recovery but still treats me the same. Basically I didn't realize it wasn't the booze that was making him an A$$hole...that's just naturally how he is.

I wish I had walked away. I wish I had seen what my future would become and run the other way. I wish I had the courage to leave NOW...but I don't yet.

I almost wish my RAH would find himself a nice codie gf to get him the h3ll outta here and then I wouldn't have to make these decisions at all.
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:04 PM
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Question: is it more common than not for alcoholics to be "serial daters"?
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Old 09-29-2011, 11:03 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
A new broom sweeps clean. It's probably a fairly new relationship where he's on his best behavior while he reels her in. Most drunks and druggies can be so over-the-top charming, witty, and funny...for a little while. This is what I call the "pretend guy". The "pretend guy" is who we fall for. Then "real guy" emerges and we spend months, years, decades waiting and wanting the fantasy of who we thought they were, who we want them to be to return.
Oh baby does this bring back a memory. My XAH transformed on our wedding day. I deliberately sought his profile on Facebook and YouTube so I could block him before he found me. I still have layers of security and protection and use a pseudonym (to keep private from him and a couple of others).

While on YouTube, I peeked in on some videos he was doing. He's become a strong proponent for athiesm and his new woman seems supportive of that. She calls herself a positivist and he calls himself a redneck. She seems like a nice lady. I would not want any other being to go through with him the hell that I went through with him. So I prayed for her. They seem happy. She may very well be a better woman FOR HIM than I was. Maybe losing me helped him straighten out. I believe if I'd stayed he would have had no reason to straighten out. Either way, getting away from him was the best thing I ever did in my life. If I could go back and change one thing, I never would have met him. I don't have the choice to change that, so I do my best to keep it from affecting me now.

As I was blocking him, I found two videos that made me realize he is not recovering. In one, he is shooting video of her playing a TV video game. He zooms in-and-out-and in-and-out on a large near-empty bottle of tequila on the table and I could see marijuana devices in the background. I wonder if he still pees the bed?

My answer to your original question is - I don't know...and after the little peek I got, I've decided to just stay out of the way and try to forget I ever went through that kind of hell.

If he's treating her better - fine, live and let live.

If not, she's either going to put up with it, or not. I can't decide for her.
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