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Do they treat the next girl better?

Old 08-08-2011, 03:02 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=anvilhead;3064209]For what he did to me, I will never understand the universe and how it lets someone so evil be led to ANOTHER person.

i wanna say this gently, but you always had a choice right? unless he showed up WITH handcuffs on the first date and chained you to the radiator, you could have walked away at ANY time. you did not have to LET him DO anything to you....
QUOTE]

I completely agree. I should have walked away. What I'm saying is that I want to meet someone with a good soul and its very hard. While he meets good women all the time. I mean, I was a good person. The girl he dated before me was a good person because I've talked to her before, years ago. He is surrounded by good people! This new girl may be a good person or she may not, i dont know. And I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say he doesn't deserve any of the people he meets. People like me and others here do deserve it and we struggle with it.
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:08 PM
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Red face honeymoon

he is probably putting his best foot/face forward, and she hasn't seen his true colors, of the depths of his problem yet. his relationship with her is probably a great sub. addiction for the time being. you did what you had to do, moving on with your life.
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:27 PM
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Takingcharge999, thanks for your story of how XABF used to treat the GF pre relationship. It reminded me of my own example to share as well

It was a pretty funny-sad thing mine did in the very beginning right after we broke up. At that point I was still in contact with him because we hadn't really played out the breakup. He was avoiding me like the plague because he didn't want to take responsibility for anything. One day he made a big deal about how busy he was and couldn't talk. I literally remember looking at his text he sent me saying he was going to hang out with his friends and then have lunch with MILI (new girl).

....Umm too bad he didn't even spell her name right! It's spelled M-i-l-l-y and it wasn't just a typo. What an idiot. And I later found out this was after they had "officially" gotten together as a couple. LOL.

Just goes to show you..
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:32 PM
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I don't think he is deserving of good people in his life as long as he gravitates towards them with the purpose to use and abuse them, which was the case with me and with others. He has no intention of bringing anything positive to the relationships. His exact words to me about a girl he once dated was "I dated her because she had a good job and could pay for me, but she was fat, and when a fat girl acts up, I can peace out of the relationship and I don't care". So, I have to respectfully say that No, I don't think he deserves anything or anyone as long as he thinks that way.

I am not trying to come off as Miss High and Mighty about myself and say that I deserve the world, but I certainly don't go into my relationships with that kind of horrific mindset to use people. But, I consider myself a decent person and I think that I deserve another decent person. And unfortunately, a decent person can be hard to find. I understand that we are all responsible for our own happiness, but trying to gain happiness at others people's expense and well-being, is not what we were put on this earth for. But, I could try to be more humble and have a little more gratitude for what I do have instead of what I dont have right now.
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Old 08-08-2011, 03:47 PM
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AXH and I were the perfect couple. Always well-dressed and with well-kempt, well-behaved kids. Until the door closed behind us and we were alone in our home and HELL started.

I had people tell me they envied me how together my life was.
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Old 08-08-2011, 04:48 PM
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People use to comment about how well XABF and I looked together.

XABF always picked out what we would be wearing - I didn't really get a say in it, he'd override me and get mad if I did something different. He would decide what he wanted to wear, then pick out something for me that was almost identical. Or else he'd purchase some expensive clothing for me that we couldn't afford, insist I wear it, then pick something that matched - then tell everyone about how he bought me that outfit.

It didn't mean anything. There was nothing behind it, nothing there. Just one more way to stroke his ego.

Fast forward towards the end of the relationship, I have a massive collection of pictures of me with a giddy smile pasted on my face (trying to ignore all the venom-laced insults that were slung my direction all day), sitting across the table from XABF who was quite obviously a red-faced drunk, at a table in a restaurant we didn't have the money to eat in, with food that would never be finished ever sitting cold on the table, taken by a waiter who was most likely doing their best to pretend not to notice the fact that XABF was in no shape to drive home, and I was nowhere near the mental state called "sane."

It's all a facade. Every last piece, even the good memories. They weren't for me, they were for the rest of the world to tell him what a great person he was, and I was an evil heartless b**** for not bragging enough about him to enough people.

Appearances don't mean anything.
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Old 08-08-2011, 05:54 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
Hi Everyone! I was out and about this weekend and I saw my XABF with his new girlfriend (just from afar and they didn't see me). They seemed happy. I was so miserable with him. I know I don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but is it possible that because I nagged him so much about his drinking that he finally decided to work a program and this new girl is now reaping the benefits of what I did?? I'm sure this sounds silly. I know they only change if and when THEY want to change. I guess great for him if he did seek out help and start a program. I know he is none of my concern anymore but I can't help but wonder. But is this a likely thing that he is wanting to change and be better in his new relationship because I nagged him to death? Any experience with this kind of situation would be great.
Maybe they were both drunk.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
hmmm, i hear a sense of judgment and entitlement in that last reply....YOU don't think HE deserves good people in his life, BUT YOU DO. think about that. maybe part of it is that you have preconceived notions of who is deserving and who is not...and you have your hand up as being worthy, rather than your arms open being humble?

i'm a good person, but that doesn't entitle me to a DAMN thing. that doesn't recuse me from sorrow or pain, nor guarantee me joy and happiness. i am as happy as i choose to be. my life is as wonderful as i allow it to be. i am blessed and grateful.
Oooof. Yep, I needed to hear this one today. Thank you.
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Old 08-09-2011, 09:58 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Our relationship continued for a few months after he told me that. Some of the things he said we so awful, I couldn't register them as being for real. I was like he HAS to be kidding. But now I know when someone tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM! There really is no excuse to ever stay with anyone who has a black soul like that. Lesson Learned.
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:10 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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All the other posters responses are very good and I'm sure very true where alcoholics are concerned...

I have no experience with an A, BUT I do have similar experiences to you...

I have always been a "busy" type of person... I have activities going on most nights of the week on top of my regular job. I have never been happy to just sit at home and watch tv. WELL, one of my xbf's was the exact opposite of me. He LOVED sitting at home with nothing to do and no hobbies/interests. No matter how much I would beg him to go out and socialize with me and our friends he simply refused. Finally I couldn't take it and I broke up with him. Literally 2 weeks later I found out from "our" friends that he was always out with them and doing stuff. Socializing like nobody's business... I just thought "Huh... why couldn't he do that for the years that I spent with him???"

With another recent xbf (that I had been dating for 6 years) I ALWAYS wanted to do physical activities with him, like hiking or swimming or bike riding, or anything active really. He always said no, he was out of shape, he was in pain, he was too busy. AFTER I broke up with him for a myriad of reasons; he IMMEDIATELY started doing physical activities to try to get in shape... he started going to the gym, started hiking mountains, started jogging! I could't believe it... especially that the same sort of thing was happening TWICE to me!

I don't know if either of them were dating anyone else when they suddenly started doing all the things I had begged them to do, although I don't think so. I am certain my recent xbf is still single even though we have been broken up well over a year.

So I do feel for you... it hurts to see them make the effort to do these things for SOMEONE ELSE when you're the one that put up with them and encouraged them for so long...

I try to look at it and think "Good for them... even if they didn't want to do these things with me, at least they're doing them now!". I am always the one that has broken up with them so the least I can do is wish them well...

Sorry I know this doesn't help your situation, so just listen to the other posters, lol!

Hugs to you and stay strong!

T
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:33 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Thanks everyone for all the great feedback and responses! I am concluding that more than likely IF he is being a better version of himself, its only temporary. And even if he is serious about changing for the long-run, I still wouldn't want to be with someone who could run the risk of having a relapse at anytime. I'm too young and I have so much life yet to live. But, its good to know that you guys are here to be my lighthouse when my ship goes off course a little.

On that note, I love this quote and I want to share it-"You can put lipstick on a pig, but its still a pig". lol
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:46 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I struggled with this question too, in the beginning of our relationship, which is why I think I stayed so long. Actually if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would have left way before now. I have been with my ABF/addict for over 4 years now and I can finally say that I submitted my 30 day notice TODAY and secured me and my baby a room to rent until I can afford my own place!

Anyhow, my ABF always acted and still does, holier than thou, he is VERY narcissistic. He would always act like I was nothing and had no value to him. I went through alot of family pain and drama when I met him and although I had never had anyone in my life like him before, I was caught off guard. My thoughts were how can HE not like ME and he knew what he was doing, I know this now. It was always about control.

He would always make me feel like he was going to be some great musician with all the ladies flocking to him and he had to keep himself 'available' just in case. I am also 4 years older than he is and so he used this to his advantage as well to make me feel inferior and unattractive, although I am the complete opposite of unattractive. So, he'd make me worry about these kinds of things and then call me insecure. It is amazing the head games addicts play on co-dependent people and how we accept it and let them.

I have finally seen the cycle for what it is. I have stepped out of the shadows and will not be manipulated anymore. I used to be so scared that someone else would come along and scoop up his 'talented and tortured soul'. Now, to be honest, I don't care if he has 100 girlfriends who are 100 times as attractive as myself. I just don't care. I only care to be HAPPY and for my soul to be free from the mental and verbal abuse. I only care about raising my son in a healthy, loving environment.

I left my ex-husband of 13 years who was a non-alcoholic, non-addict, and you know what I wanted him to be happy. I was happy when he found a girlfriend and they had children. I talk to both of them today. That is a healthy way to look at life.

Sometimes we just find ourselves on a different page than other people in life and we need to realize that we write our own stories. If you leave misery, then just be happy with that, ya know? Who cares if a person gets their life back on track as long as everyone comes out a better person.

Just my two cents. I am very emotional today as I AM LEAVING my alcoholic relationship and my feelings are ranging from anger to excitement to sadness, so I may be all over the place.
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Old 08-10-2011, 06:16 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Sometimes we just find ourselves on a different page than other people in life and we need to realize that we write our own stories. If you leave misery, then just be happy with that, ya know?

Thanks! This totally helped me. You are right, who cares what he is up to now. All I know is that he treated me poorly and I left the misery I was in. He treated me that way for a reason because it wasn't meant to be. Everything happens for a reason and I can only go off how he treated ME at the time. The way he treats her is their story to write, not mine. If he treats her better its for a specific reason for their story and if he treats her the same, she will be no different than me where I am right now.
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Old 08-10-2011, 10:15 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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duq - glad I could help in some small way. I find strength in others stories and words of advise.

For so long in this relationship with my ABF, I have felt so very alone. And truly, I am alone in the relationship sense, because he has told me, "I LOVE BEER". LOL. And that, is the plain and simple truth.

I am going to follow my plan to leave him, but it is so hard when you put so much effort into something. This morning even, I found myself waivering back/forth, should I stay/leave. But I have to keep my head out of my a (so to speak) and just always remember (until I get out) why it is and the pain I have been through to get to this point.

I envy YOU that you are already OUT. LOL. I still have this hope that by my leaving that he will finally seek the recovery he needs for our son. I still hold out this hope that maybe he LOVES ME more than his mistresses (Sierra Nevada, Miller's Genuine Draft, Budweiser, etc) but I can't live in a delusion anymore. It is too hard.

Embrace life and your choices to make a better place for yourself!! Don't ever accept anything less than what you know you deserve in life.

I am so happy to have found a place of support and we should all be thankful for that. Imagine back in the 70's, 80's, even the 90's before the advent of the internet as we know it and all the support available to us how ALONE people in our situations must have felt. Can't even imagine, I think I'd have gone INSANE by now. LOL.

Peace and love be with us all.
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Old 08-10-2011, 11:58 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I envy YOU that you are already OUT. LOL. I still have this hope that by my leaving that he will finally seek the recovery he needs for our son. I still hold out this hope that maybe he LOVES ME more than his mistresses (Sierra Nevada, Miller's Genuine Draft, Budweiser, etc) but I can't live in a delusion anymore. It is too hard

Chronsweet-I will tell you from my experience that I left my XABF a couple times, hoping that he would call me and beg me back and say he wanted to make things right and change for us....well, he never called me once. Even if he did something so vile to me, he wouldn't even call to apologize. I blocked him from calling and texting my cell phone and you would think he would come running to my house to ask why i blocked him if he couldn't get ahold of me....lol nope....he just kept on living like I never existed. Its like he knew something I didnt know. Its like he knew he was always going to live with this disease and if I didn't like it, if I blocked him, if I left him, if I got upset...well, that was just too damn bad for me because he was gonna keep on truckin. He was who he was and I could take it or leave it. He wasn't going to treat me any better than that.

I always felt so horrible like what is wrong with me that he doesn't want to fight for me??? Some of my girlfriends would have fights with their boyfriends and they would come crawling back begging for forgiveness. I never had that. Of course that is a self-esteem buster. But you see, it had nothing to do with me. And these other guys didn't have another lover-alcohol. The alcoholic in my life never loved me like I loved him because I don't think he even knows what love is. He knows how to use people as tools to keep his addiction alive and well. I feel like if a relationship is dead, you should bury it and move on. If you aren't getting what you want and need out of your relationship, don't be afraid to take care of yourself and find a better life without him in it.
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Old 08-10-2011, 12:39 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I also wanted to add that I had a small but strong revelation today about myself and my origninal question to this post: I am so much further ahead than the both of them-My ex and his gf. I am leaps and bounds ahead of them. I am overcoming my codependency issues and I feel stronger than ever. I feel like I have such a better understanding on life because of what I went through. My ex obviously still has to overcome addiction (if he even wants to) and then start to re-learn how to live life again. His gf has to go down the dark and gloomy, stressful, painful, heart renching road of being with an alcoholic before she gets out. Then she has to recover (if she even wants to). I feel so ahead of the game! Kinda like I know all the answers to the test and other peope don't!

This is a really good feeling. Truly a blessing to feel this way <3
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Old 08-10-2011, 01:10 PM
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I am so glad I found this site.
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Old 09-08-2011, 02:43 PM
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I've read several posts here, but I agree w/what many are saying. I used to think that about my ex-boyfriend who was/is an alcoholic. I think he's had a girlfriend for maybe 1 month but nothing steady since I ending things with him nearly 3 years ago. His drinking has gotten worse so that is likely why he hasn't had too many "relationships" since then. However, it's normal to believe that someone else can do what you could not. The reality is that even if your ex looks happy with someone else, he's not likely going to change his ways. In fact, he probably has managed to convince himself that things will be different w/this new girlfriend (maybe he can fool her longer). That's just more denial. Until he gets into recovery, things won't be any better for him & they sure won't be good for his new woman. She's getting the same problems you had--she just hasn't figured that out yet.
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Old 09-08-2011, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Mitsy View Post
That's just more denial. Until he gets into recovery, things won't be any better for him & they sure won't be good for his new woman. She's getting the same problems you had--she just hasn't figured that out yet.
There is a new country song called Storm Warning and every time I hear I think DANG! My xabf should be labeled with some kind of warning. Like a surgeons general warning on cigarettes but for active alcoholics.

I really just feel sorry for the next girl.
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Old 09-08-2011, 03:54 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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What Goes Around....

Living in a rather small town myself, many people who know my ex knows he's a drunk and avoid him as much as possible. Even people who used to be his friends now avoid him. I think word has gotten around that he's bad news, but I think "he" thinks he's still fooling people. Your ex is likely doing the same along those lines of thinking. Ignorance is bliss maybe. At least you know the reality of things. I'm sure some of those women Charlie Sheen has been with thought things would be different with "them" as well.
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