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15 days NC xabf broke it this time

Old 08-06-2011, 03:01 PM
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15 days NC xabf broke it this time

I spend the last 2 1 /2 hours deleting photos of XABF from my pc and phone. Getting rid of the last reminders, because I was never going back. He hadn't contacted me in 15 days. I made the last contact where he basically reminded me that it was me who said that I was done and he was just abiding by my wishes. Vacation helped, but once I got back home, the melancholy sank in. Went to one Al-Anon meeting. Been in bed ever since, coming out to eat and use bathroom. It sucks, I know. I've been stalking some facebook friends, playing games and videos that make me cry more. Very depressed and badly in need of a shower, lol. Then, last night before I finally went to sleep, I get a text from him. Says "Just to let you know. My step-father had a very serious heart attack & is in intensive care. Scheduled 4 triple by-pass on Mon, I am going to bed. Think of u everyday."

Feelings ALL OVER AGAIN -- WHY? I think I need a rehab of my own somewhere.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:11 PM
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But nothing has really changed. He hasn't changed. The same things that were causing you pain are still there. So he has some feelings, doesn't change anything.

Now for you. Some good self-care is in order. If you really feel like you need professional help, then get it. Are there any al-anon or coda meetings in your area?

Are you working a recovery program for yourself? If so, then work YOUR program of recovery for yourself as hard as you WISH he'd work his.

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. I understand it, I really do. I'm just a few months ahead of you on this process. And it is a process - where it's progress, not perfection. Just do the next right thing for you to shift your focus from him to you.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:14 PM
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You can block his number so you will not get any texts.

Sounds like you are depressed, have you considered therapy?

Are you on vacation, or, do you not work? I only ask that as you seem to have alot of time on your hands to obsess about him.

Really don't have any advice, can't think of anything new to say.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:38 PM
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Please, get up, take a shower, brush your teeth, get dressed...go outside, walk for 5 minutes, move around, deep breathing...plan something to do tomorrow, anything small just get out among the living. not fakey facebook, real people...wash your face, put on make-up and drink some caffiene.
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Old 08-06-2011, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by roxiestone View Post
But nothing has really changed. He hasn't changed. The same things that were causing you pain are still there. So he has some feelings, doesn't change anything.
Now for you. Some good self-care is in order. If you really feel like you need professional help, then get it. Are there any al-anon or coda meetings in your area?

Are you working a recovery program for yourself? If so, then work YOUR program of recovery for yourself as hard as you WISH he'd work his.

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. I understand it, I really do. I'm just a few months ahead of you on this process. And it is a process - where it's progress, not perfection. Just do the next right thing for you to shift your focus from him to you.
I know nothing has changed. I'm just so damn mad! This is not my fault! I didn't do anything wrong! My life was just fine until he showed up one day under the guise of falling in love with me! I fell for his **** - hook, line, and sinker!! Day by day, he drug me into his hell of drinking until I hated everything about it. I went to 2 Al-Anon meetings. Yeah, they make sense, but dammit - I didn't do anything wrong. Why do I have to be the one to go to meetings and get FIXED?? He's the problem! I'm just so angry!! I'm not the one who needs to be working a program - it's him!! I hate having all the blame put on me!! All I did was fall in love, just like millions of people do everyday. It's my dumbass luck that he turned out to be an alcoholic! I'm angry. I finally begin to make some progress and he drags me back under again!! I did block his number until I felt so guilty that I unblocked it 15 days ago so I could let him know where I stood. That's when he told me that I was the one who said I was done and if I thought he was that worthless, then maybe the day would come when me and everyone else could sit around high-fiving each other about how right we were about him. I ignored that snide comment and 15 day with nothing, until now. I didn't answer him. But now I'm back to thinking - is he still really thinking about me everyday? Because I have to force him out of my thoughts everyday. This just sucks big time. I know you're trying to help. I'm just so mad right now!!
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Old 08-06-2011, 04:25 PM
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I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, but I think the anger is very much part of the letting go process.

I actually changed my cell number so XABF could no longer contact me. I still struggle with the fact there is NC but I feel so much better about myself without the stress. I recall last week you were also feeling good, especially on vacation. I have had a week of NC thus far and it is getting better ever day. My thoughts are with you
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Old 08-06-2011, 05:06 PM
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I know where you are. I was there last summer and have relapse days as well. You did not do anything wrong but Al Anon will help you stop obsessing and figure out how to live the life you want without him. It will give you tools to use when your mind is obsessing about HIM and the past that you miss and the terrible things that happened that you are reliving over and over again. It will help you stay in the moment and live today to the fullest and not obsess about the future-will he get better? Will you find someone else that deserves all you have to offer and treat you with respect and kindness? That is when I get to the crazy place. When I let myself get caught up in the past and the future. I spend way too much time on facebook, and in bed. But I have been forcing myself to go to the gym, work in the garden, go out with friends . Even if I have to go take a walk alone, I still feel better than just laying in an empty bed wondering what he is doing and if he is thinking of me. Don't feel guilty about blocking his number. You see what a text from him can do to you. Do not give him that kind of power over you. Please believe me when I tell you that it will get better. Maybe not for a while, and maybe not all the time. Last year all I kept saying to myself is "Next year will be better." And it is. Not in the way I would have liked but I am better.
Here's a quote from a Sara Evans song that I like to say to myself.
"Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger."
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Old 08-06-2011, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by OnMyWay11 View Post
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, but I think the anger is very much part of the letting go process.

I actually changed my cell number so XABF could no longer contact me. I still struggle with the fact there is NC but I feel so much better about myself without the stress. I recall last week you were also feeling good, especially on vacation. I have had a week of NC thus far and it is getting better ever day. My thoughts are with you
It was getting better until now. Plus, once I got back from vacation, I had nothing to look forward to except house cleaning and grocery shopping again Yuk! My classes don't start for another 3 three weeks. But the truth is that I never stopped wanting him to get better. I wondered and now I know that he thinks about me everyday. Ugh!
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Old 08-06-2011, 05:49 PM
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I get what you are feeling. Anger is good sometimes, it movitates us. Sounds like you are sliding into a depression though. Depression magnifies all the negative thoughts.

I get angry a lot lately. And I was never an enabler. He went into rehab because of the fact that when he was without anyone, I stayed a friend and helped him see what it was he was doing. He hated being there though so he decided on his own to go into rehab.I stayed supportive through out, only to have him push me away. I was furious. Not that he got help of course but that the last person to really make him feel semi human is the first one that was pushed away. We never drank together but I know I was a bit more codependent than I realized.

You can look at it another way (I too dislike this idea that I am flawed so I need to go to meetings. We are all flawed, I know what mine are and i work on them every day) but meetings do help you reclaim YOURSELF. We lose ourselves in these relationships. It isn't about them, it is about US. If meetings don't work than read up on codependency. That is always an eye opener. We give so much and get back little or nothing. So who is the person that needs to heal from that set up, us. It is a deeply internal process that may begin with blocking calls etc but that alone isn't going to do the work inside of us that allows ourselves to be used emotionally by others.

Hope you find someone you can talk to in person soon and some peace.
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:07 PM
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" I wondered and now I know that he thinks about me everyday."

How do you really know that? Because he told you so? These are just words, perhaps ones that you want to hear and now focus on?

Please get some help, life just is too darn short to keep obsessing about a broken relationship. It happens, it is part of life, and must be dealt with.

Try and focus on you, go to meetings, do something nice for yourself.
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Old 08-06-2011, 06:28 PM
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Stay mad so you won't be sad. The brain can't process both at the same time. Write down all the ca ca stuff he has ever done. Keep the list with you at all times and when you miss him read it. Mine was like 1. flirted with x, 2. drunk again by 3pm, 3. he's crosseyed again, 4.he lied about xyz, 5. growing pot in the closet, 6. putdowns, 7. porn, 8.he wants sex and he's sloshed, 9.he's drinking and driving, 10. he's selfish, 11. I'm bored with partying and his loser friends, 12. he doesn't take care of himself, 13. doesn't respect my wish he doesn't smoke in the house or my car, etc.....etc..... BE MAD !
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Old 08-06-2011, 08:02 PM
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Oh goodness does this post pull on my heart strings. I have been in each position with this one.

A quote I heard that helped me was "Anger is depression expressed externally and depression is anger focused inward." Or something like that.

It helped me to get through that they were both important in my grief, and that the only way over them was through. That does not make it easy however when you are in it.

I struggled more with depression than the anger. I know myself I don't stay angry long, but I can be in depression awhile and it gets out of control.

With these types of feelings Al-Anon did help me (I stopped going for a bit when some of the anger hit because it was something I was going to for someone else...again). I am glad I went back. I never stopped therapy though. I also got a lot of relief from reading up on the 5 stages of grief which helped me to realize it was normal. No you did not have a death but losing a relationship can have similar feelings.

Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 08-06-2011, 10:14 PM
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Thank you all for your kind words. I am depressed. I know it and I hate the pathetic person that I have become because of this. This is so not me. I was a happy person. I had everything. The one thing that was missing in my life was my soul mate and I thought I we found each other. Since then, my life has become a living hell. Doubting myself and becoming someone who feels the need to "check up" on someone else. Crying all the time and not taking care of myself. My mom is now worried about me. I take ambien to sleep at night and find myself looking forward to the time when I can take it again, just so I can go to sleep and get some relief from the pain. My mom said I should talk to him and get some closure. I didn't really want that because we all know that you can't reason with someone who's been drinking. So, I texted him back and said I was sorry about his step-father and that I would keep him and his family in my prayers. I also said that I loved and missed him and was having a hard time moving on. I guess I was hoping to open the door to a real conversation. I know it's over. I know I can't go back to what we had. I don't want what we had! I just needed some kind of closure. And you know what that a**hole did? Nothing. He didn't even text me back at all. So I put myself out there again....for nothing. Tomorrow, I going to force myself to get up, excercise, shower, and go to the store. I don't know if I can do the meetings anymore. I will have to wait and see how I feel on Wednesday.
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Old 08-06-2011, 11:56 PM
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Breakups are hard and what you're going through is awful - but it will pass unless you get hooked again. I had three breakups with my XABF until the final one "stuck" (mostly because he found someone else to support him, which I now recognise as a blessing).

That cycle of having your hopes raised, putting yourself out there and being disappointed again is the worst. And that's the cycle of alcoholism, even when there's no breakup involved. If you can get through this, you get your life back - if you stay in the cycle, it gets more and more painful.

Getting closure from someone who isn't in recovery is almost impossible. What's he going to say that will make you feel better or give you that sense of closure? "I'm an alcoholic and I'm going into treatment?" Is he there? If not the cycle will continue and you're likely to rack up more things to need closure about.

You did great with your 15 days of NC. Being with an alcoholic in the early days is thrilling - I felt like I'd met my "soul mate" too. But you know the flipside of that. What helped me was recognising that I was basically in withdrawal from him when it ended - not so different than an addict. Withdrawal is tough but it's the first step in the healing process and if you can hang tough it does get better, way better. I'm happier now than I was before I met my ex.

Hugs,

SL
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Old 08-07-2011, 03:55 AM
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Time.......and no contact, and good friends, and Alanon, pick up the phone, stay busy, exercise, gratitude lists......and more time........
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:44 AM
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hwsm-

I forgot this until just now. I was unable to attend Al-Anon for a bit when I was really angry, but I was able to call some of the people who attended who had been in similar situations that I was struggling with. They helped me a lot....

One person in particular helped me. It was a relief to call someone from the group because I did not have to explain the alcohol part of it to them....just the feelings I was having.

Again thinking of you.
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Old 08-07-2011, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
I spend the last 2 1 /2 hours deleting photos of XABF from my pc and phone. Getting rid of the last reminders, because I was never going back. He hadn't contacted me in 15 days. I made the last contact where he basically reminded me that it was me who said that I was done and he was just abiding by my wishes. Vacation helped, but once I got back home, the melancholy sank in. Went to one Al-Anon meeting. Been in bed ever since, coming out to eat and use bathroom. It sucks, I know. I've been stalking some facebook friends, playing games and videos that make me cry more. Very depressed and badly in need of a shower, lol. Then, last night before I finally went to sleep, I get a text from him. Says "Just to let you know. My step-father had a very serious heart attack & is in intensive care. Scheduled 4 triple by-pass on Mon, I am going to bed. Think of u everyday."

Feelings ALL OVER AGAIN -- WHY? I think I need a rehab of my own somewhere.
Don't fall for this!!!!!
Let it go and move on.

Oh ya block his number!
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:51 AM
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Meetings saved my life. I refused to be affected by someone else's disease anymore, and that's when I started moving forward with my life. Our little Alanon went defunct for many years, but I continued to practice the principles of Alanon in my every day life.
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Old 08-08-2011, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by MissKnowitall View Post
I stayed supportive through out, only to have him push me away. I was furious. Not that he got help of course but that the last person to really make him feel semi human is the first one that was pushed away.
This is my problem, too, with my RA friend; the longer we stay out of touch, the more I feel like he's pushed me away, and that's hard. And hwsm - I know what you mean about needing closure, especially since you still have feelings for him. But sometimes that closure never comes; if my RA friend never returns to work (which is probably what's going to happen) and never contacts me, then our long friendship may just end here, abruptly.

So you have to try and work on yourself; depression is hard but I hope you can find someone to talk to, and that you were able to get out of bed today and get outside--it can only help you. Take care and sending you strength!
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:51 PM
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hwsm, I have followed your posts because your story is so much like mine. Please do yourself the favor, and push yourself to the AlAnon meetings. Someone who has been going a lot longer than I have said to me, "I know you're trying to find a way out of going tonight. Go and take your medicine." Trust us, they will give you the tools you need to help with the depression, the obsessing, and the feeling you have lost your soulmate. Go on Amazon and get some AlAnon books; I get the used ones, and they are fine. Do your reading for 1/2 hour in the morning, faithfully.

No one in my life can believe how this man affected me; I was happy, content, loved life, and he ruined my self-esteem with his horrible criticism and a personality that went from charming and wonderful to ignoring, mean, and downright cruel. I have never cried so much in my 54 years, truly, and over what? Someone who really doesn't appreciate me. You must fill the hole within yourself; I know, you don't think you have one, but we codies all do. When you are content within yourself, you will not think that he is the only thing that will give you happiness, and his magic will dissipate. You will see him for what he is. Trust us...
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