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15 days NC xabf broke it this time

Old 08-09-2011, 04:42 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by hwsm View Post
I spend the last 2 1 /2 hours deleting photos of XABF from my pc and phone. Getting rid of the last reminders, because I was never going back. He hadn't contacted me in 15 days. I made the last contact where he basically reminded me that it was me who said that I was done and he was just abiding by my wishes. Vacation helped, but once I got back home, the melancholy sank in. Went to one Al-Anon meeting. Been in bed ever since, coming out to eat and use bathroom. It sucks, I know. I've been stalking some facebook friends, playing games and videos that make me cry more. Very depressed and badly in need of a shower, lol. Then, last night before I finally went to sleep, I get a text from him. Says "Just to let you know. My step-father had a very serious heart attack & is in intensive care. Scheduled 4 triple by-pass on Mon, I am going to bed. Think of u everyday."

Feelings ALL OVER AGAIN -- WHY? I think I need a rehab of my own somewhere.
Honey I am so sorry youre going through this. I am going through the same thing. I was with someone I love so damn much and broke it off last night while he was drunk. I woke up and deleted him from my facebook, switched my "in a relationship" to "single" and just hope for the best. I talk to loads of people, on chat, read forums, call friends, go for a walk, go to work. Im not eating and Im barely sleeping, when I do sleep hes in my dreams and haunting me but...I know how you feel.

The ONLY way Im getting through this is that all I am remembering is how bad it was.
Im remembering every time he got drunk and how much I was beginning to hate him. Im remembering every time he screwed me over with promises and wishes and didnt deliver. Im remembering all the times he was drunk and said horrible and non sensical things to me that I for some reason NEVER EVER forgot and held against him for months. I think of all the times Ive had to PAY financially for his lack of ambition and support. I think of all the things I want to do in my life and how I cannot do them with him in this state. I think of how i used to be and how I am now. I think of how much I want an awesome life and I cant have that when Im dating someone with so much baggage.

My boyfriend was sober for two months, white knuckle, cold turkey. It was hard even then. He was bored, antsy, really depressed, STILL talking about needing to get out of his head with other substances. Even THEN i was miserable. EVEN THEN i was trying to CONSTANTLY find ways for both of us to have fun while he was being sober. EVEN THEN it was exhausting.


I know it hurts. I know in a couple days for me its going to get bad too, but I keep in check by constantly remembering how bad it was before. I hope to god you can get out of your depression. Please focus on why this happened, to me its the best way to move on.

If you ever want to talk to someone, Im going through the same thing, please feel free to message me.
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:23 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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HWSM, It is perfectly normal to be angry, and sad. I was too. But what I realized after the relationship ended was I was angry with myself. Angry for allowing it to go on as long as it did. Angry that I had made such a poor choice. Angry that I had denied there was a problem. Angry that I invested so much of myself in a situation that was fruitless.

Today belongs to you. You can lay around at your pity party for one, or you can choose to pull yourself up off the couch and get busy living. I have walked in your shoes so my intent is not to sound cruel, you left him because there was a problem, and there still is, nothing has changed. You left because you want a better life and deserve it. Just keep telling yourself that. Do not waste time and energy dwelling on what could have been. There is no quality of life living with an active alcoholic.

The words " I think about you everyday" are meaningless, just words. His actions of I drink everyday, and destroy healthy people's lives, now that is worth paying attention to. That is what this is really about.

A very wise old man used to tell me "You can't polish a turd." I remember those words when I feel overwhelmed, it is ,what it is, and I will never again be involved with someone who is so committed to his bottle, he is not attainable, from this day forward I choose me, and I like it.
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Old 08-13-2011, 12:18 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by stilllearning View Post
That cycle of having your hopes raised, putting yourself out there and being disappointed again is the worst.
Thank you truly for your words of wisdom. I am seeing this more everyday. The Al-Anon meetings are like a security blanket for me right now. I also realized that I had options that I didn't realize, like staying with him and dealing with the drinking. Once I realized that, I thought maybe I didn't want him as much as I thought I did. I had bad days where I didn't get out of bed and days that I sat in the parking lot of the place we used to meet and cried for hours. I texted him checking on his step-father's surgery and we basically agreed that we needed to talk. We agreed that we needed to decide if we could get thru this or if the damages were too great, then we needed to move on. He told me to think about what I wanted to say and he would too and he would text me the next day to set something up. I got some babbled message a few days later at midnight that said "becareful". I replied what a "huh?". Never heard back anything since. He's still drinking. Never going to change. I know this. What I want and what I'm really going to get are such totally different things. I know I deserved better. I'm getting there.
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Old 08-13-2011, 12:24 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post

Today belongs to you. You can lay around at your pity party for one, or you can choose to pull yourself up off the couch and get busy living.
I needed to hear this - thank you!
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Old 08-13-2011, 12:26 AM
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Sound like you are grieving a loss. That takes time and hopefully the depression is just due to the loss and not something you are sinking into longer term.

Maybe some short term therapy will help or books about loss. That's what helpled me not feel angry at myself. Any break up is hard but for some reason pulling away from an active alcoholic is hard. You feel torn inside but you HAVE to put your well being ahead of everything.

Good luck
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Old 08-13-2011, 04:03 PM
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I blocked every number I can think of that my XABF could call me from. If that doesn't work I will change my number (and you KNOW what a pain in the a$$ that will be). I am committed to No Contact this time around. It has been my downfall every other time we have split up. Stay strong!

Peace.

Maureen
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Old 08-13-2011, 04:09 PM
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Masuhanley

I am in your corner, keep thinking on your feet!
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Old 08-13-2011, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by masuhanley View Post
I blocked every number I can think of that my XABF could call me from. If that doesn't work I will change my number (and you KNOW what a pain in the a$$ that will be). I am committed to No Contact this time around. It has been my downfall every other time we have split up. Stay strong!

Peace.

Maureen
I held off on changing my number because I thought of how painful and difficult it would be.
Finally I did change it, though. (Didn't want to get any more calls from hotels he'd booked with my phone number, asking why he hadn't arrived that night).
And you know what? I felt like I had lost 200 pounds. The "pain" of updating everything with my new number wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I felt so much better.
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