luvmyfurbabies

I've been lurking for some time now and was actively posting a few years ago until my mom got really sick, she lived in an apartment attached to our garage and I took care of her......she passed away last September....fast forward to now. My AH is a functioning alcoholic. Drinks every day but I've never seen him falling down drunk. He works every day, hands me his check every week, cooks dinner every night, doesn't complain about my growing number of cats (up to 13 now and yes they are all spayed or neutered) and 2 dogs (who sleep in the bed with us). So what's the problem? He works hard, comes home, has 8 or 10 beers, showers, cooks dinner for us and goes to bed. We have absolutely no communication about anything except what to eat for dinner. I take care of all the bills, I take him to work every day because he doesn't have his license, I do all the shopping, I take care of everything except the cooking and grass cutting. We have a little over 2 years left on our mortgage and the house is going to fall down around us. He is a very talented carpenter (he built the garage and apartment) but he won't fix our house. Window sills are rotting, soft spot by the back door, and so on. He works 4 ten hour days and is off on Friday. He does absolutely nothing on Friday, Saturday and Sundays. He goes from playing games on the computer to watching TV. Will only go anywhere for beer. I'm sick of being in a one-sided marriage. I want more. Did I also mention he won't go to the dentist and his teeth are falling out of his mouth. WE HAVE DENTAL insurance for cripes sake. I'm thinking about moving into the garage apartment. Am I asking for too much? I'm 51 years old, and don't want to give up on life yet. Please I need feedback......I'm at the end of my rope......

dollydo

Nothing changes, if, nothing changes. You cannot change him, so...your it...you can only change you.

If you are done with the marriage then you will have to move forward with your life.

The garage apartment may work for you, worth a try anyway!

It is all about you, so, put yourself first.

grateful101010

What a weird marriage. Sounds miserable. Do you work or does he support you?

mhealer3

hi lady, i'm sorry 4 ur pain...
i also was ignored unless ah wanted something.
my life seemed like nothing but that of a servant to him, a shadow.
it's sad when i think of wasting 22 years there, (im 51 yrs old also)
but i had a disabled son w him, & it's just a crappy story.
anyway, God Loves you, He gave u life.
and God will not b mad at u 4 living it --happily-- wout your ah.
(i know God loves your ah also, but nobody is entitled to take your joy).
it's a good idea 2 try the garage apt @ first, bcause change is hard 4 everyone
it's lovely that u have such an easy way 2 b more independent! praise God!
now try something new:go shopping,walk the dog, join a knitting club, play bingo--
and meet people, make some friends. it takes time, but little by little things will get better
start now though, bcause 'baby-steps' add up to less stress & gentle results
keep a journal to encourage yourself, keep track of progress--
& look back @ how much God has blessed u.
my best to you from new york
p.s. i did do all the above suggestions, & i might take a course this september & then volunteer in the summer i still only have 2 friends, but i'm thankful to God 4 them!!

luvmyfurbabies

....I work full-time also. I have also started going places with friends and I go on vacation with my sister. It's almost like he and I are roommates with occasional fringe benefits. I am planning on taking some classes. I work at a college so I get free tuition. Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate them as sometimes I walk around with blinders on and can't see whats in front of me.

luvmyfurbabies

I'm getting ready to have a talk with him right now. Wish me luck. This is him when I talk....

luvmyfurbabies

I have a deadline for him. If the deadline passes with no change I shall move into the apartment, consult an attorney, let him buy me out of the house (if he wants to) and move closer to work. I know it won't be just that cut and dried but that's what I'm aiming for. Does that even make sense to anyone but me? I don't know anymore.

Tuffgirl

Makes perfect sense to me. If something isn't working - fix it. That's my life philosophy. And at 51, its normal to look at your life and make solid decisions on how you want to spend the rest of it.

Hope the talk goes well - in the sense that you get the information you need to help you make your decisions.

And free tuition?! GO FOR IT! I have the same thing...finishing up another degree because of it. What a wonderful opportunity to take advantage of, huh?!!!

Learn2Live

Wow luvmyfurbabies, your husband sounds just like my dad. 20 years ago. He has not changed one bit (though he is a little less mean now that my brothers are grown and all out of the house). My mother still lives with a spouse who is more like a messy, miserable roommate than anything else. I'm afraid that unless HE decides something needs to change, nothing is going to change. The question for you is, what do YOU want out of life and can you get it by staying with him? I'm sorry you are in this position.

wicked

luvmyfurbabies,
my father died of cirrhosis. he was 62, but looked 90. his teeth started falling out when he was in the hospital for the last time.
i am 52, and i am sure the second half of my life will be better than the first half!
I work on it everyday.

Beth

luvmyfurbabies

Anvil, thanks for that. Not much has changed in 8 years except I'm 8 years older and still b!tching about his drinking. The talk didn't go so well. I gave him a deadline, something I've never done before, and told him if he doesn't quit drinking by then I will be moving into the apartment. His response was "I'll cut back". That works for about 2 weeks. I'm just so tired and I've reached my breaking point. Thanks for your responses. It means a lot to me. You guys can always put things into perspective or show me a different way to look at things. Anvil, seeing my first post has really helped too.

mattmathews

The first step in recovery is admitting that our lives have become unmanageable. Sounds like you're there luv. Recognizing the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I'm a big believer in the power of Al-Anon to give us a space to heal...and that applies whether you decide to leave or not, right?
Like Wicked, I'm looking forward to the second half of my life being so much better than the first as I work on my recovery.

jamaicamecrazy

I remember feeling the guilt of why does his drinking bother me so much if he is not getting DUI's, spending tons of money, chasing women, or losing his job. I just became frustrating that every weekend I knew he was going to be drinking and not "there". Oh he went to the soccer games and the barbeques and the social functions and always got buzzed. Then when he was home he continued to drink. It was like I never had the chance to have just him without competing with the alcohol. As the kids got older and there were less responsibilities, I let go of a lot of the resentment. but there were still weekends that he did nothing around the house but drink. And he always bragged about how handy he is- okay you are handy but you actually have to do something to prove it. We had a pretty good life even with all this but I always felt that I was the one making plans for vacations, dates, and activities. I resented that too. Usually these activities were alcohol related.
Your existence sounds bleak and if you do not want that then it is up to you to make it what you want. Go to classes, go out with friends, do things you like. Al Anon helped me figure out what I wanted for me independent of him. If you want to move to the apartment-go for it! It should not be contingent on whether he drinks or not.
One of the best things my therapist told me was that separating would let us see what was my crazy and what was his crazy.
Maybe you can still have meals together. Maybe you can plan on doing something once a week. Maybe you will see that you really don't miss him that much.
You are entitled to go for the kind of life you want for yourself and not spend it waiting for someone to want to share it with you. It sounds like he does not want to quit drinking so even if he cuts back, he will eventually progress in his disease. Good luck.