Can't. Take. The. Loneliness.
 

I know it's been 13 years of hell. Mostly hell, moments of clarity. Mostly verbal and mental abuse, isolation, broken promises, lies lies lies. I couldn't take it anymore, and booted him.

Why am I so sad? It's been 3 months and I miss him more than ever, what's wrong with me? I found out he's dating....which I'm sure he always was......but at least I didn't know about it. Know that it's out in the open, I just cry myself to sleep.

How do I get through it? I feel hopeless.

Sounds like a pure and simple case of jealously. You believe that his life is so much better than yours, and that he is so happy, while you are so miserable.

This fantasy is one that you are creating in your own mind. I'd bet my last dollar that he and his new main squeeze are involved in the same toxic relationship that you were with him.

You can get through this by reaching out, call your friends, start circulating. Go to meetings, join a club, just do something.

I am sorry that your are hurting, however, the ball is in your court, time to let go.

Been there, done that, wasn't a place that I wanted to stay in....what about you?

Yes - it is an illusion you are building in your mind. I let go of my ex-partner almost 3 years ago and went through much of the same emotions when he had a new gf within a few months. His life is on a downward spiral though, while mine is on the up. Don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do, but realise he will be no different with his new woman, and probably worse, as his disease progresses. ((( ))) for you. xxx

barely,

The same happened to me... 3 years ago I left and cried too much. Now, I feel much healthier and am happier than I had ever been, I am single. The only thing I know about XABF (who also got someone else right away) is that he still drinks the same or more and he still thinks therapy, 12 step groups are for losers. No one changes by magic! Even when you do all you can to change its still slow and takes years. Someone who is not doing anything to change, has no self introspection, won't change at all. That's just the way it is.

I will paste 3 links with articles I read over and over when I felt "replaced" or like a loser for being sad while the guy partied.

Mourning sucks but you feel this way because you live in reality. Progressing addicts are in a world of fantasy, they are not moving on, they are not loving anyone (they don't love themselves if they are still addicts so how would they be able to give something they don't have?), they are not learning from the past.

You will heal and when the time comes you'll be grateful God, the Universe, etc. took toxic people out of your life. But you got to do your work and become healthier, otherwise the next guy will be the same person just in a different body. And you deserve so much more than this. A good hearted man, healthy and able to share.

It gets so much better. An end is also a beginning. One day at a time.. one hour at a time, you can do this. Your life goes on, there's still many wonderful moments and gifts to look forward to, great new friends to make, so much more to learn, and to enjoy. :)

From Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Addiction means always having to say you are sorry and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.

Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.

From Dependency - Relationship


Healing the alcoholic or drug addict is a very difficult task, as it cannot come from the outside coming in as it is a selfish act and anything coming in would only serve their self-interest within the Law of Self. We must, first and foremost, understand that it is a complete selfish act on the part of the dependent person. To convince the dependent person that this is so, will only create denial within the self and will make them run from their responsibilities and to indulge in their addiction in the dulling of the senses. This is their escape.
8 Chapter 11 Dependency On Drugs & Alcohol The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take. It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before.

Words that I read today....It's okay to look back at the past..BUT...dont stare!

I have thought about that all day...When I stare, I get sad, Plain & Simple!

From Dependency - Relationship


Healing the alcoholic or drug addict is a very difficult task, as it cannot come from the outside coming in as it is a selfish act and anything coming in would only serve their self-interest within the Law of Self. We must, first and foremost, understand that it is a complete selfish act on the part of the dependent person. To convince the dependent person that this is so, will only create denial within the self and will make them run from their responsibilities and to indulge in their addiction in the dulling of the senses. This is their escape.

The next thing to consider is that as long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take. It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.

Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before.

Oops sorry for the double post.

This one is to the "new" woman...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html

And if this most recent woman doesn't want to see him anymore or even be friends with him, it must be because she is jealous of the wonderful relationship you and HE have! It must be because he dumped her for you, and she's just not big enough to accept that. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the WAY he did things or tried to blame HER for his behavior. It couldn't have anything to do with him LYING to her and using her, and having a hidden agenda of expectations that he told her she just wasn't living up to. Nope. That would be his old M.O. playing out again, and he was a changed man by the time he met you. So it couldn't be THAT.

...


He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He's so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. All those wonderful things he has done - all the romantic things, all the ways he has helped out and called, and done things for you, they couldn't all be just scripts. "Stock Techniques" for hooking. No. This time, he's sincere. This time he'll be different, with you.

You're special.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. I have really really really struggled today. X does not know that I know about the woman/women....but I think he suspects. I hadn't seen him in weeks, but he randomly showed up here tonight with Chinese food, which was kind of odd. He wasn't in the door more than 30 seconds and I was told I looked fat, was letting myself go, was a stupid c and b and the f word was thrown out at least a dozen times....he put down my job, my house, my kid, everything. He throws everything at me. I am really good at holding it together around him, I work hard to never show weakness, never say I'm said, always act happy, like no big deal, etc. Well, I think this infuriates him. He was demanding to know if I was 'miserable' yet, and I said, no why....he goes off on how I should be because I am a disgusting fat pig that nobody will ever want, I will always be alone, I am psycho, I am ugly, I am stupid, I'm going to lose my house, I'm going to get fired....the garage is a mess. I mean, he throws EVERYTHING he can at me and I just try not to react. That whole scene lasted about 15 minutes.

Now, this is the guy I sit here crying about? He walked out the door and I didn't even know he was leaving. He left all of his cruddy food here too.....which was odd. He kept looking at his watch, I'm sure it's some bar waitress he's fixin' to meet up with......OMG, why can't I just walk away and not care? I must be really messed up.

barely...

This is the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Does he have keys to your house? Could you change the locks? Not open the door? Not answer his calls? Call the police/911 if he arrives to your house? what kind of living arrangement do you have with him?

I am thinking of you, please reach out to the DV line.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ituations.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html

Hi Barelysurving,

Are you going to Al-anon? This really will make a difference to your life, also therapy? I have been doing both for about 18 months and my life has changed dramatically.

I have lived with verbal abuse too for most of the 23yrs I have been married. I used to excuse it on the drinking, tell myself that it was the drink talking, he didnt mean it. I was lazy, boring, smelly, didnt have any friends, didnt wash enough, took too much time off work, didnt load the dishwasher right, was told when to take baths and a lot more besides. It was very hurtful and painful. So you can see, I have had a lot of what you have had and its no way to live.

I left my AH about 8 weeks ago now and now live in my own small rental. I went no contact straight away. I had just had enough and knew that I could no longer live with the drinking. The verbal abuse had stopped, as I had learnt through therapy and Al-anon to use the stop sign and say 'Stop, I do not have to listen to this' and call him on his name calling or passive aggressive behaviors which I had learnt to recognise through reading self help books. I tried to detach and just 'live with it' but couldn't do it anymore, so I decided that I need to get out and put me first for a change.

My therapist helped me to see that I am important, my life was important, my health was important and I deserved far more than I was getting in my unhealthy marriage.

One thing that I have come to believe through therapy is that alcoholism and verbal abuse are two very separate issues. A man isn't abusive because he is drinking, he is abusive because he is abusive. A huge amount of men drink alcohol, some alcoholics, some not but a lot of these men have a deep rooted moral and values core where they know right from wrong. They know that it is not acceptable to abuse woman, so dont do it, whether they are under the influence or not. They are happy drunks, or sleepy drunks or just use self control.

Unfortunately, you seem to have had someone in your life who has no respect for woman at all and it has absolutely nothing to do with you AT ALL! There is a good book that I have read called 'Why Does He Do That' by Bancroft. Please try to get it and read, it will enlighten you and you will feel sad that you recognise yourself in the pages. This will also help you to come to terms with what you have been going through and learn to move on.

In the past when I have separated from my AH (due to negative behaviors), I have been so traumatised with fear of my AH finding someone new that I have eventually apologized (grovelled) to him, to sort things out and get back together. I wasn't healthy back then at all!!

Not this time. I really couldn't care less if he finds someone new. I know that he wont have changed, he will still be drinking and the new person will either be a nut case herself for putting up with his negative behaviors and verbal abuse or if she is healthy enough, she will end it quickly and run! I have nothing to be jealous off at all. I feel like the lucky one.

I have given myself a year to get healthy in body, mind and spirit before I plan on dating again and no way will I ever have 'problem' drinking or verbal abuse in my life again. I am worth so much more and so are you.

Be kind to yourself. It took you 13 years to get to where you are, of course everything is not going to be sunlight and kittens as soon as you say enough! 3 months just isn't enough time for you to adjust.

I was with XAH for 18 years (check the box for the emotional and verbal abuse too) and it took time for me to adjust to living on my own. Much longer than 3 months. You're still in the grieving phase. And yes, I did grieve the end of my marriage, despite the abuse - I loved him anyway and I lost the hopes and dreams I had. Its OK to feel sad that your marriage is over.

Like eightball, I went no contact as soon as I could and I highly recommend it. Getting away from the emotional manipulation has helped me get my head clear and start thinking for myself. Can't recommend 'Why Does He Do That?' highly enough for anyone who has ever been abused. We did a book review on it (that I feel very guilty about not finishing...) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html.

You're not alone here. You don't have to 'take' the loneliness. Looking back, some of my loneliest times were when I was married. If you're anything like me, you'll discover that you're actually stronger than you think!

The best way to get healthy is to go no contact. Don't answer his calls, texts, emails and the door.

Everytime you let him back in you take another step backwards. You are allowing him to demean you, to abuse you.

You will continue to stay sick unless you get yourself under control. You deserve so much better, there are lots of great non addicted men out there, it's time to walk away from this abusive relationship.

If you need to, go to a therapist, do whatever it takes to get healthy.

Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before.

Wow! This paragraph described me to a "T". I am slowly getting some joy back and figuring things out. Even in pictures of me, I can see how sick and worried and unhappy I was and how a little bit of lightness is creepy back as I work my program.

I was at my sisters recently and her and her partner burst out laughing over something, and chuckled over it on and off throughout the evening. I felt like I was looking at something that I couldn't remember happening with me and my husband in a very, very long time. It was depressing that this honest, amusing incident just seemed so very foreign to me.


Kinda scary to read such an accurate description of yourself written by someone you never met. Kinda reassuring to read that it is part of a pattern that can be disrupted!

Wow, that describes me as well! I am a vampire...and I haven't laughed or noticed a breeze in I don't know how long. My thoughts are consumed with where is he, what's he doing, is he going to get fired, is he really at work, is he going to get into and accident and hurt someone, am I really as horrible as he makes it. I mean it goes on.

I feel bad, I sound like a real psycho. But, I'm the one with the good job, the degree, the friends....etc.....but he makes it like I'm just a garbage human being. I've read about abuse, how the abuser wants to make us feel unworthy, all of that....but I never read about them coming right out and saying the things mine does....like nobody will ever want you, you piece of crap......etc. It's bizarre. I ask why, over and over in my mind....never an answer. Thanks for the support. I feel bad, these boards make me sound clinically bonkers. :(

Don't feel bad. Feel empowered! You can see it now!

That's halfway there to doing something about it.

We believe in you.

Exactly. At one point while living with ex AW I had lost 25 pounds, developed high blood pressure, insomnia, anxiety, no appetite, terrible despair.

I forced myself to ride a bicycle every day and play basketball every day. That brought me back to life and improved my mental status greatly.

honey, ask yourself- Would I want him back? Most likely that answer is no. then stop giving him the time of day in your mind. he surely does not deserve another moment of your thoughts. like takingcharge said, an ending is also a beginning. the way you feel is a result of what you think and dwell on. it is hard to change habits of thinking. step up, out of that rut , and we will hold your hand while you heal.

he probably knows that you were a giving person, not bar trash, and he knows the truth, that someone good is rejecting him, because he is evil and a jerk. sorry,but truth is truth.

the best revenge is living well.