KeepinOnDaily

My husband is now begging me not to file for divorce. I have already put down a retainer for a lawyer. He is saying he will do the intensive evening outpatient program at a top notch treatment facility, will go to marriage counseling, wants to see a priest together, etc etc...he has been going to AA meetings and is begging for me to take him back and not go through with this. He says I am his soul mate and he is an idiot and "allowed the poison to control my thoughts and actions." Problem is-- I just dont trust him. He cheated on me before, he has never fully gotten help for the drinking ever because it never got this bad. It was to the point where he was drinking at night only, functioning during day but hiding how much he drank and was depressed...or still is depressed actually. He is now living at his parents and knows that I am ready to file.
My parents said I shouldn't buy into any of it, that it will just happen again eventually and that I don't even know what normalcy is any more because he has been a liar for so long and has put us into debt as well.
Is there any hope? Is there any way to start the divorce proceedings but just kinda put a hold on it for time being and still stay in the house without him?? UGH!!! I hate this confusion. I know I love him but also know that I have done this for so long and I just don't know what it is like to be without him anyway. We have been together 17 yrs. ADVICE????

Freedom1990

He's pulling out the big guns now that he sees you've had your fill.

It's a stall tactic, nothing more, nothing less.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

What's his past behavior tell you?

catlovermi

It's a good idea to meet with your attorney at least once, so you know the legal options and what they mean, for your state.

CLMI

Hayfmr

I am in basically the same place your at. My AW has been a binge drinker for most of our 25 year marriage. On her last binge 3 months ago I retained a lawyer. She begged me to stop the divorce so I put it on hold and gave her some conditions. She had to have a plan for sobriety, be working the plan, never drink, and win back my trust. Lasted for 3 months before she went on another binge. I called the lawyer and restarted the divorce. Right now she is in the hospitol detoxing. I won't hardly even talk to her because I am so mad. I know she is going to want another chance but I am finished. I have lost all hope of trusting her so it's time for me to move on with my own life.

dollydo

He is attempting to manipulate you. So, with that said, why not move ahead with the divorce? If he is truely sincere about recovery he will do exactly that.... recover.

When an addict needs to, they can really turn on the tears, and will promise anything, it seems so genuine, that it must be true....NOT....all words, all designed to convince another to accept their fantasy world.

If he infact does embrace recovery and stays clean for a minimum of 1 year you can consider getting back together.

Please listen to your parents, they have your best interest at heart and, they are thinking with their heads, not their hearts.

My advice? Move forward with your life, I firmly believe that in the future you will not regret this descision.

Muunray

Move forward.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Don't fall for the manipulation. They are so good at it and we want to believe them. Keep moving foeard with your own plan and life. If he does get sober, you can always change things if you want to.

LaTeeDa

His sobriety does not hinge on you stopping the divorce, taking him back, or anything else you DO or DON'T do. One thing has nothing to do with the other. He has the opportunity to get sober regardless of your actions. Actually, he's had it all along. And if he truly means what he says, he will. Based on my experience, sounds like a lot of empty promises designed to get things back to the way he wants them, not somebody who truly wants recovery.

L

wicked

I didn't hear him taking any responsibility for the state of your marriage.

Actions first, not talk.

Beth

Spawn

Do you have a place to go?
Maybe some time apart is what you need to think it through and see if he does get help?

Leaping

I like this.

I was in a similar position. Married 20 years with my AH then living with his parents begging me, begging begging, please dont go through with the divorce and saying he will do anything I asked, any kind of treatment and jump through any hoop. But not once, not one time not ever did he take any responsibilty for his part in the demise of our marriage and the risks he took with our finances or the safety of our children.

And watch out, be prepared for the shift in temperment - because the minute my AH realized I was not backing down and it was over he turned into a hateful, poisonous blend of anger and scorn, topped off with a dash of blaming and belittling.

Eye on the prize and the prize is your self. Hugs to you

Sylvie66

Thank you for posting this, and for all the generous responses. My xABF never stopped drinking, and has now reached the poison stage - toward me. It's very painful. OTOH, I can sleep at night without stressing because it's Tuesday (or Friday, or poker night, or whatever) - no drunk man is coming into my house.

- Sylvie

Freedom1990

Isn't that a blessing and a wonderful feeling? My home is just that, my home, void of the insanity of someone's alcoholism. It's quiet, peaceful, and I enjoy it!

fedup3

a couple of weeks from now my marriage will be ended and it's never easy to get a divorce. This disease does not go away by itself and when you get to the point where you look down the road and you see your life the same as where you're at now it's time to make a decision.

Alone22

The proof is in the pudding. Actions speak louder than words. Only sustained change is something to trust , and even then cautiously slow. Personally I think I would respond with something like this " that is great you feel ready to take the step into rehab. In 30 days let me know how that is going for you". "I have reached the point that I need action, not words and long term sustained change before I can consider having a relationship with you." Why take him back now? If he really means what he is saying then he will go forward with seeking recovery with or without moving back in with you. If it is all hot air you will be able to see that soon enough. He needs to get his addiction under control first before you can determine if you can have a relationship again and get MC to help. In my mind they do not all happen at the same time.

KeepinOnDaily

Thank you for all the responses... He is sending me texts saying "I know it will not be easy and I am willing to repair this. You are my soulmate" and 'I am sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused you." and "I despise myself."
I also worry that when I drop the final bombshell of the divorce he will be so angry and right now i am telling him that in the meantime i am still going to go through with divorce proceedings and we need to come up with mutual agreements as far as financials, visitation, bills, etc. I just want this to go as smoothly as possible. He seems to think this can be repaired but I just haven't seen the ACTIONS. I don't want him back in the house because I dont want to feel like I am a detective in my own house, I want him to be on his own and I know financially he can't do that so he is at his parents. He hates being there but I told him he has to be there for the time being and needs to begin to make sacrifices. This is going to be a long road and it sounds like most of you have heard this all before....

suki44883

He could be using that time he's texting to actually be making progress. He's trying to convince you that he WILL do something instead of actually doing it. That proves that it's manipulation and not true desire to embrace recovery. I vote that you continue on with the divorce.

Leaping

[QUOTE=KeepinOnDaily;3061959]Thank you for all the responses... He is sending me texts saying "I know it will not be easy and I am willing to repair this. You are my soulmate" and 'I am sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused you." and "I despise myself."


YES, the texting is the favorite tool of my AH as well. That way he can throw out these one liners about how wrong I am for leaving him and how I am living in the past and he doesnt have to engage in a meaningful conversation about what the reality of the situation is.

Hang tough. You are in for a ride and it will get bumpy. But one day becomes another and another and you will look at the calendar and see a string of peaceful nights and you will start to return to yourself.

I am thinking about you as I am in the same situation. It is brutally hard but we must move forward.

KeepinOnDaily

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with --- mainly because of the two little girls that want their daddy back home with us, there have been a whole lot of tears lately and questions of 'WHen will daddy be back at home already?" and "Mommy why does daddy stay with grandma and grandpa so long?"

He said he will prove it to me but again, time will tell. I am feeling more and more like I just want to move on without having to be hurt again, but another part of me feels like WHAT if it does work out....I just am so torn.

Leaping

Divorce doesnt mean you can never be together again. Protect yourself and your girls. There are some good books out there about how to talk to your kids about alcoholism (not sure their ages???0. I spent some time on the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) board, just reading and that sealed the decision for me. An alcoholic home is no place for children. Just my opinion.

For me, it came down to the fact that even IF my AH was going to recover there had been too much trust lost and I could not be a part of the craziness that is a part of the disease - and that includes recovery. Once the initial burst of questions/tears from my girls went away I begin to see some pretty amazing changes in them, changes that were brought about by a calm peaceful home and a calm Mommy.

My advice? Focus. Stay the course. Go no contact if you can. Hugs to you....