Ultimatums - Do They Work?
 

It looks like I posted here a few times last summer. Well, here I am back again. Totally frustrated and feeling like I have had it!

I have been researching treatment centers in my area all afternoon. Am prepared (I think?) to go home and give my husband an ultimatum. He either begins to get treatment, or we are done.

He has not been working for three months, but somehow has found the money to continue drinking. I have had to put all of my "general" budget on my credit cards to make sure that there was money to pay the mortgage. (Bizarre!) Now I have large credit card payments at 18/19 %.

My husband is self-employed and is telling me the work is not out there. I think that may partially be true .. but a larger truth is that he has dug his own hole and people are not calling him back. He is not responsible, does not finish the job when he is supposed to. He makes mistakes on the job because he can't process the information normally. He says it's because he's getting older. No . .. it is because of his big time drinking! :c004:

Anyway, I know .. I ended up ranting here. Sorry! Anyway, just wondered how many here have tried the "ultimatum" route and how successful it may have been? I know it all depends on how your spouse feels about you .. but pretty much all alcoholics have a better relationship with their alcohol than their spouse, don't they?

Upsidedown

Thanks for sharing. I haven't really tried an ultimatum yet with my AW. Our daughter did... she threatened to move out if AW didn't stop drinking. AW didn't stop, and Daughter is still with us. I'm not sorry she stayed, but the ultimatum thing didn't work, and since it turned out to be a bluff, any future ultimatum from her is not likely to work, either.

That's one reason I haven't tried it yet. The only ultimatum I have in my hand, in my opinion, is to threaten divorce. Until I'm actually ready to follow through with it, I don't dare play it. If I thought it would work, I might risk the bluff, but I don't think she'll be able to stop drinking, even to keep me from divorcing her.

Good luck with your situation. I'm sure someone will be along shortly who has some good advice for you.

For me... the answer is/was... NO.

And the reason being... I was never really truly prepared to follow through on the "or else"... the part where I had to say what I mean, and mean what I say! I was never really prepared for the "we're done!" part. I hadn't really planned on the housing, health insurance, etc. So, I didn't really mean what I said. All I really meant was, "I'm sick and tired of your drinking, and I want you to stop."

If the situation isn't working for ME, then I have to figure out what I can change/control to make it better. And for me... that part NEVER includes changing/controlling the people around me.

When my AH was blowing money on booze/bars, I had to figure out how to protect MY money to make sure MY bills were getting paid. A separate checking/savings account is what worked for me.

Do you go to Al-anon? It has been a tremendous tool for me to figure out my side of the street!!

Thanks,
Shannon

The hard part, I know, is the follow through. That has been an issue with me in the past. But, I'm feeling like I am "ready".

So, what exactly would I say would happen if he did not get help? That we were done. But then what? Neither one of us has funds enough to go anywhere else, so that we could be separated.

Of course, if the ultimatum "worked" and he ended up in a treatment center, would the treatment actually work for him? Or will he just be playing the role .. do what he "had to do" to get through?

Aargh! :gaah

The 3 c's are big around here. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

So, ultimatums don't work. He won't get better until he is ready to get better, simple as that. You have NO control over the situation.


What you can do is start going to al-anon and begin to work your own recovery. You can decide if you want to stay or not but that choice is up to you. Any ultimatum will most likely turn into some kind of drama-fest where he agree, resent you for it and start drinking again or get really angry and keep drinking. Either way it will be your fault. Been there and done that with both of them.

Your friend,

You know .. I did go to a couple of alanon meetings several years back. I tried different meetings in different locals. I was pretty disappointed with all three of them. And then, not too long ago .. while talking to a group of people (not relaying my story to them at all) this group of people began revealing names of individuals that were at their alanon meetings.

It was about that time that I decided I would never go back to another alanon meeting. I don't need/want anyone in general public to know about this side of my life ..

I can't see any way around my situation other than the big D then. There is nothing more that I can do to protect myself financially .. than what I am already doing. :cries3:

It's like I am trying to calculate where there would be the less fallout. I really, really am afraid of my husband and his response to anything I might tell him "I have to do" or "He has to do" to fix this situation .

In my case I said I can't live with you AND your drinking. It's me or our marriage, decide. Then she moved out. So yeah.. it worked.

Jazzman,

Do you think you would have moved out, if she hadn't?

I can't figure out how it would be financially feasible for either one of us to move out.

Hi upsidedown, only thought about this is to be prepared to follow thru with any/all threats, sometimes the outcome isn't what you want either. mine chose the booze and I followed thru and kicked him out. hardest thing I ever did..but all our situations are different, the only thing that seems to be consistent is the alcoholics relationship with their drink of choice...now that's a lasting relationship. :(

What is he contributing financially right now? You already said you've had to put general expenses on credit cards.

Sounds to me like he's costing money, not bringing it in.

Absolutely .. nothing for the past three months. He has a partner in his business that has been holding the business afloat. I watch their bank account, so know when monies hit the business account.

Two times ago, when I told him money was there, he said "yeah, take $1,000." (That by no means covered what I needed .. but hey it all helps, right?

So then Monday of this week, I tell him again .. the amount of money that is now in their account. You know what he said to me .. "Oh no, you're not going to do that to me again!" He said that his partner called him and wanted to know where all the money went. Well, for one thing, that is where my husband gets his drinking money from .. the business account. (He spends anywhere from $75 - $100 a night up to four - five nights a week.) Anyway .. he told me that between his partner and him, we are putting him in the middle. Bizarre!! :c004: If he didnt' spend the money on his drinking, it would be there for the regular monthly draw and we could make our mortgage payment with no problem!

What makes you think they don't already know? I'd be willing to bet a lot more people know or suspect than you realize. Secrets very seldom are secret.

If you don't change yourself then nothing changes. You can't change him so what's left. Leave, don't leave doesn't matter if you carry all the baggage you accumulated with him over the years with you.

Speaking from experience al-anon can be a life saver.

The fact is he does spend that money on alcohol. Wishing otherwise won't make it so.

What do you want your future to look like?

You can't change him, but there is much you can do to change your own life.

Anvil,

Compared to what we have been bringing in annually, our mortgage is to big. There is no way I could do it alone .. nor my husband. Not and pay everything else that goes along with living. The sad part about all of this is .. his partner has been claiming more and more income every year .. while my husband's continues to go down, down, down every year.

With the economy the way it is .. I'm not sure how long it would take to sell our home? I don't know that I'm going to have the chance of finding that out, since I am not going to be able to make the payment this month. It will be the absolute first time that's ever happened! :cries3:

The spreadsheet thing .. I've been doing that for a number of years. Then I have to use a credit card and that immediately puts me behind .. big time!

Freedom .. at this stage of the game, I would like my life to be without the day in/day out worry that I have so constantly now.

How do people decide if they will really be better off without their alcoholic spouse?

Mike,

Would you mind revealing to me what you feel alanon did for you? Obviously it helped you in coming to some big time realizations .. ? What else .. do you think?