paljoey

I understand that threats will not accomplish anything. But I have a 40 year old son who rents his own apartment but comes home often (2-4 days a week) and stays over, sometimes fixing dinner and helping his mother recovering from serious cancer. But he drinks heavily up in his old bedroom secretly and tries to put on a sober face. Is it OK to say to him that we love him, will help him, but the alcohol cannot come into our house? How do I tell him I will police this? My wife and daughter (his sister) know his problem exists but not to the level I know of.

Hanna

@paljoey, yes, you absolutely have a right to set boundaries in your own home.

@UpSiDeDoWn
I went through that sleep deprivation thing you are describing for just a few weeks. Same scenario - drunk boyfriend was waking me up to talk. Later he would apologize. I was appalled and angry; I believe sleep is sacred. I was embarrassed because I was afraid the students living in my house were being disrupted, too. I was constantly sick and couldn't get better, and going nuts from lack of sleep. (Read somewhere that an EKG of a person who is sleep deprived looks like that of someone with schizophrenia, and I believe it.) I also was living on pins and needles, waiting for something bad to happen.

You will take action and gain control of your life when you are ready. I'm sending you strength and hope.

steve11694

I have known of instances in which ultimatums have worked. One friend thought he'd be clever and simply cruise at rehab to appease his family, then once out start again. Thing is during rehab, his mind cleared and he himself realized the drug had been controlling him. He has been sober and productive for more than 20 years. Another case is that of a university age son told to get to rehab or get out out of the house. He straightened out.

Ultimatums are also used during interventions. Interventions, that lead to meaningful recovery are quite valuable.

UpSiDeDoWn

Hi Hanna,

Thank you for your response. The sleep deprivation thing really is a serious issue for me. I did bring it up (again) to AH this weekend. Attempted to explain how bad it is for me when he does that. He says "he knows" .. but said that before. I did tell him though (was afraid to do/say this previously) that the next late night for him, I will be locking the bedroom door. He agreed. Now I will see how that works?

Thank you for your kind/supportive words.

Upsidedown

UpSiDeDoWn

Hi Steve,

I am thinking that I probably need to start a new thread? While I am very interested in hearing about others results when they posed an ultimatum ... I don't believe I am in that mode any longer. Knowing my AH as I do, ultimatums will not help. At least, not coming from me ... From where I am "at" right now.

Thank you for your encouraging reply.
Upsidedown

Thlayli

I don't know that anyone ever got sober because of an ultimatum. When people do it may be more correlated than causal. People get sober because they are ready to. Maybe "giving an ultimatum" is just another way of looking at "setting a healthy boundary for myself"? If you start figuring out what works for you...it will work out whether or not he changes.

UpSiDeDoWn

Am back here this evening ... Once again, beside myself. AH texted me from the bar and told me he would be "right home". Well, I know already that he has been sitting at that bar for (at least) a couple hours already. I was ... AM very concerned.because I could not figure out where he would have gotten the money to stop in at the bar. I callled him ... He told me that he found an old unused business check in his truck. So, even though he knows that he has spent well over the limit he is supposed to from the business account he "finds" a check and proceeds to use it for who knows how much at the bar!

I am the one that is supposed to be monitoring his spending. How in the world can I even think I can do that?? I just know that all of this is going to turn out badly with AH's partner quitting their business and going into business for himself. I don't blame the partner one bit. I am sick (very nauseas) thinking about how AH is destroying his chance to save himself within his business. I feel there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop this continuation of AH's destroying himself ... And he's taking me with him!

I am now anxiously awaiting an Al Anon meeting that begins within the next 45 minutes. I'm not even caring that it is closer to home. I just need to do something.com

Thanks to all who take the time to read my rant.

Upsidedown

dollydo

Hopefully the meetings will help you. From what I can garner from your posts, you are still willing to go down with the ship. This is of coarse your choice, to me, not a wise one, never the less your choice.

UpSiDeDoWn

Hi Dolly,

Yes, I found the meeting last night to be very helpful. It was a group of about 12 and very, very nice. Everyone was wonderful! I am so glad I decided to go to this meeting. It is in the next small town just north of me ... Only 8 minutes away. That definitely beats my 20 minute drive to the other non-local meeting I attended on Friday evening. ... And it appears that they are very respectful of the confidentiality thing. (That was a big concern for me, as our family is pretty well known locally).

There was a women there that has been involved for 10 years who pulled me aside at the end of the meeting. She said my story sounded so much like hers. She ended up divorcing her AH only just three years ago. She told me she's sorry she did. Her ex AH has now gone through a program, remarried and is doing well. She explained that her husband did not always have problems with alcohol. He was a very, very likeable social , assertive man. The reason's we were attracted to our husband's to begin with. Anyway, her ex AH is now back to "normal" and he is remarried. That makes her sad. I told her a bit more about my situation and she told me not to attempt to act to quickly.

My problem? Other than beginning diivorce proceedings, what else is there that I can do?? Obviously, I need to handle how I react to my AH's disease differently. But ... I still cannot figure out what it is I can do to stop him from manipulating money from out of the business?

Hanna

I don't buy it that her husband is perfectly okay now. It sounds to me like she's in deep denial. Or perhaps it took him hitting his bottom (losing his family?) to get on a path to recovery, and without that bottom he would never have changed.

Maybe you can get some help figuring out how to handle the money problems by calling your bank and explaining the situation?

Portia123

I so agree with most that has been already written about ultimatums. Be prepared to act on them if you do so. They rarely work. Even if the A'ic gives you the answer you want, the bottle will take over. Forget agreements, expectations - just take care of yourself.

But, what stuck out to me is you want to know what Al-Anon has done for one poster - well, I'll tell you what it's done for me. At the outset, there have been people in my group I don't particularly "like" or "care for". But as time went on, I learned to like more people than I didn't. I've made good friends, we call each other, email, talk after meetings. I learn I'm not in the boat alone. The disease comes in all walks of life and the anonimity of the program is wonderful because no one needs to know anything but your first name. How has that program helped me?

Made me feel like I was not alone;
Taught me tools to find serenity whether my RAH is drinking or not;
Taught me about the disease so I could be more compassionate and understand why my RAH does what he does;
Gives me a place to just sit in peace for an hour;
Made me a better listener;
Taught me alot about MYSELF while working the steps by myself;
Gave me great reading material;
Taught me how to detach (with love) and what is enabling and what is not;
Got me to remember some of the hobbies I enjoyed in the past and got me to start doing those hobbies again;
Helped me to learn how to take care of myself and stop focusing so much on my RAH's behavior;
Made a meditation class jump out at me that I took, so I've learned to meditate;
Got me to go back to the synagogue more often and have a better relationship with my God as I understand him/her;
Learned the "mantra" "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it; all I can do is learn as much as I can about the disease so as to not contribute to it".

Criminy, I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. They say, try 6 meetings before you decide. Try several different meetings, I was lucky to find one that is twice a week and I absolutely love it and the people who attend.

God bless you! XOXO