Ultimatums - Do They Work?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Oh FEAR. Yes, fear can shut you down all the time until you feet feel like they're in cement! I was there for a long long time. Ultimatums never worked for me and did you notice the plural on ultimatum? Threatening and not going through with it will only make him not believe you when you finally do give him that last chance. I know that's where I'm at with 11 days to go until our divorce is final and he still thinks I'm bluffing and will change my mind, sad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by UpSiDeDoWn 
Anyway, just wondered how many here have tried the "ultimatum" route and how successful it may have been? I know it all depends on how your spouse feels about you ...
Wow, sounds like you and his partner are running out of patience with your husbands routine.
First off, as one who would have been on the receiving end of such an ultimatum a few years back - it has nothing to do with how he feels about you. It has everything to do with a. whether he thinks he's got an issue with drinking and b. whether he thinks he can live without it. The second part may sound stupid, but that's how the world exists for an alcoholic: most can't live without it, and can't even fathom a world where alcohol doesn't exist. I was certainly in that camp.
In reality, what you are talkng about isn't an ultimatum - it's a boundary. But it's really important that you are clear that this is your boundary, and that if he can't respect the boundary it is your responsibility to respond. It's about you and your choices - you have control over what you will accept and allow in your life. Not that the responses at your disposal are very attractive: 1. deal with it because he has no interest in changing his drinking or 2. distance yourself in whatever fashion you need to have sanity in your life, be that forcing him out of your home, finding another place to live, separation, divorce, etc.
But the hard fact is this: nothing you say or do will get him sober - only him making the choice to do whatever is neccessary has a chance of getting him sober. All you can do is exert control where you have: your life & choices.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by UpSiDeDoWn
I have been researching treatment centers in my area all afternoon. Am prepared (I think?) to go home and give my husband an ultimatum. He either begins to get treatment, or we are done....
Anyway, just wondered how many here have tried the "ultimatum" route and how successful it may have been?
Anyway, just wondered how many here have tried the "ultimatum" route and how successful it may have been?
Regarding treatment, though, would you rather your husband "begin" treatment or that he quit?
I ask because I was "forced" into treatment, and it did not end well. In my opinion, an ultimatum should require that someone quit, not that they try to quit, or try to begin to get help, etc. They should still have a choice in the matter of how they quit.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I took a different approach. I told her I could not live like this any more and I moved out. She is starting to work a recovery and I think she may be getting it. It was up to her to stop or not. I am sitting on the side lines and watching. I hope she gets better but I am ok with where I am now and working my own recovery. I don't need to make decisions about divorce or getting back together or anything like that right now. I just need to be patent and she what happens of the next months or even years.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
I agree with everyone here who has said that it is important not just to give the ultimatum but if you do give one, to follow through.
As a wife of an RAH, I wanted to know the "outcome!" I wanted control over the "outcome." I wanted to make the outcome be what I wanted it to be. And of course, the outcome was to get my loved one to "stop drinking." (But this applies in any situation).
I have found what has worked for me was to let go of the outcome. I don't always get the outcome I desire in life. I don't have a say in what the outcome is. What I do have a say in is how I act and respond to my situation, how I respond to what the actual outcome is.
I gave my husband so many ultimatums over the years that it didn't mean anything to him and it only made me feel that much more of a failure for not following through. Finally, I did follow through: get help or I leave. When I followed through, I was no longer focused on the outcome (for him to get help and take recovery seriously). I let that go. It was up to him. I have to live with my choices and actions. He has to live with his.
I have found, for myself, the more I've let go and handed my worries, issues & control over to my higher powers, the more my desired outcomes actually came through. Even when my desired outcomes did not happen, I found myself at peace with whatever the outcome was.
Everyone's situation is unique, even though we --as friends & family members of A's-- can definitely relate to our shared & similar experiences due to the effects of alcohol addiction. Some people need a nudge. Some people need to be forced. Some people need to be left alone. Some people need lots of support. Some people need isolation and individual space. Sadly, recovery just isn't in the cards for some people. I don't know what will work for your A. Recovery ultimately rests in the hands of the A. I think most human beings want to feel that it was their own doing, their own hard work and their own accomplishment (with support from loved ones if that is so) that led to recovery.
I used to think that my husband didn't have a bottom. He just didn't seem to care. (It broke my heart). I thought his bottom would be death, which made me sad for him, for me and for our child. I kept asking myself "What can I do differently? What can I do that I have not done?" I was basing my questions on the definition of "insanity." I wanted a different outcome so what can I do that is different than what I've been doing? Leaving and letting go were options I had not wanted to consider, although I threatened leaving or kicking him so many times that my threats had become meaningless. When I finally considered them and carried them out, I felt I broke through something powerful. (I felt like crap, but it felt like a new beginning).
If you do give an ultimatum, I hope you also find the strength, support, and methods to carry it out. And if you can, try to let go of your desired outcome. Just let the outcome be the outcome and honor yourself for carrying out and following through on what you said you would do.
As a wife of an RAH, I wanted to know the "outcome!" I wanted control over the "outcome." I wanted to make the outcome be what I wanted it to be. And of course, the outcome was to get my loved one to "stop drinking." (But this applies in any situation).
I have found what has worked for me was to let go of the outcome. I don't always get the outcome I desire in life. I don't have a say in what the outcome is. What I do have a say in is how I act and respond to my situation, how I respond to what the actual outcome is.
I gave my husband so many ultimatums over the years that it didn't mean anything to him and it only made me feel that much more of a failure for not following through. Finally, I did follow through: get help or I leave. When I followed through, I was no longer focused on the outcome (for him to get help and take recovery seriously). I let that go. It was up to him. I have to live with my choices and actions. He has to live with his.
I have found, for myself, the more I've let go and handed my worries, issues & control over to my higher powers, the more my desired outcomes actually came through. Even when my desired outcomes did not happen, I found myself at peace with whatever the outcome was.
Everyone's situation is unique, even though we --as friends & family members of A's-- can definitely relate to our shared & similar experiences due to the effects of alcohol addiction. Some people need a nudge. Some people need to be forced. Some people need to be left alone. Some people need lots of support. Some people need isolation and individual space. Sadly, recovery just isn't in the cards for some people. I don't know what will work for your A. Recovery ultimately rests in the hands of the A. I think most human beings want to feel that it was their own doing, their own hard work and their own accomplishment (with support from loved ones if that is so) that led to recovery.
I used to think that my husband didn't have a bottom. He just didn't seem to care. (It broke my heart). I thought his bottom would be death, which made me sad for him, for me and for our child. I kept asking myself "What can I do differently? What can I do that I have not done?" I was basing my questions on the definition of "insanity." I wanted a different outcome so what can I do that is different than what I've been doing? Leaving and letting go were options I had not wanted to consider, although I threatened leaving or kicking him so many times that my threats had become meaningless. When I finally considered them and carried them out, I felt I broke through something powerful. (I felt like crap, but it felt like a new beginning).
If you do give an ultimatum, I hope you also find the strength, support, and methods to carry it out. And if you can, try to let go of your desired outcome. Just let the outcome be the outcome and honor yourself for carrying out and following through on what you said you would do.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi upsidedown,
Most (if not all) people here understand the loneliness and the pain... my life was unmanageable, too and I was going mad with pain and sadness after I crossed paths with an alcoholic in early stages and after the breakup, its mourning was the worst stage of my life ever.
But all that was also the beginning of a new life and I wouldn't trade my new life for anything in the world. It will get so much better than this. Believe it. And hand your life to God, HP, forces of nature etc. whatever you might believe in.... have faith and hope. You are most definitely NOT alone. Here in SR we are all rooting for YOU.
Most (if not all) people here understand the loneliness and the pain... my life was unmanageable, too and I was going mad with pain and sadness after I crossed paths with an alcoholic in early stages and after the breakup, its mourning was the worst stage of my life ever.
But all that was also the beginning of a new life and I wouldn't trade my new life for anything in the world. It will get so much better than this. Believe it. And hand your life to God, HP, forces of nature etc. whatever you might believe in.... have faith and hope. You are most definitely NOT alone. Here in SR we are all rooting for YOU.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I also believe that there are two distinct issues here.
One being the company, as an officer of the company, you have a fiduciary responsibility
to protect the company from an inept partner. I would call the other partner and reopen the discussion of the bank account once again. And yes, I would seek legal council.
The next issue is the marriage, if your needs are not being met, then you have two options, stay and continue to be miserable or leave and move forward with your life.
As for the house, if you cannot afford it, you can try to sell it, rent it, rent a room or two, or, let it go back to the lender. There are options. I will say that the longer you stay, the less money you will have, it is simple math. He is a financial nightmare. His debts are your debts.
If, he is arrested for a DUI, the attorneys fees can be more than 10K, court costs another 2k or more. Not to mention your insurance premium, figure triple at best. If he gets in an accident while drunk, you can bet that your insurance company will drop you, new coverage will cost a fortune, now add that to the DUI. Next on the agenda,what if he mames or kills someone while driving under the influence? You could lose everything, including the business, if it is parternership, rather than a corporation.
Is he really worth the risk? Only you know the answer to that question. Give it some thought, the answer is right in front of you.
I would suggest that you assign your priorities and do what is best for you.
One being the company, as an officer of the company, you have a fiduciary responsibility
to protect the company from an inept partner. I would call the other partner and reopen the discussion of the bank account once again. And yes, I would seek legal council.
The next issue is the marriage, if your needs are not being met, then you have two options, stay and continue to be miserable or leave and move forward with your life.
As for the house, if you cannot afford it, you can try to sell it, rent it, rent a room or two, or, let it go back to the lender. There are options. I will say that the longer you stay, the less money you will have, it is simple math. He is a financial nightmare. His debts are your debts.
If, he is arrested for a DUI, the attorneys fees can be more than 10K, court costs another 2k or more. Not to mention your insurance premium, figure triple at best. If he gets in an accident while drunk, you can bet that your insurance company will drop you, new coverage will cost a fortune, now add that to the DUI. Next on the agenda,what if he mames or kills someone while driving under the influence? You could lose everything, including the business, if it is parternership, rather than a corporation.
Is he really worth the risk? Only you know the answer to that question. Give it some thought, the answer is right in front of you.
I would suggest that you assign your priorities and do what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh upsidedown, I really feel for you. I also live in Michigan, have been a corporation owner for over 20 years. You need to get those corporate documents to an attorney for review, and find out exactly what your legal rights are, as well as legal obligations. (Possible tax issues)
Personally, there is no way this side of hell, I would allow the husband to drink away the mortgage payment. I can understand the partner not wanting to get involved in your marriage, but there comes a time when drastic actions calls for drastic measures.
You have to protect yourself. If things continue in the matter that they are proceeding, you stand a good chance of losing it all, and there are things you can do to possible protect yourself. Please take the time to talk to a lawyer.
I would rather eat a bucket of worms, than be involved with an active alcoholic. Never again.
I know you are stressed, and it is difficult to make decisions when you are feeling so much pressure. But try to do one positive thing a day that benefits you. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him. He has to make that decision. Instead of giving him an ultimatium, ( which would be useless) why not give yourself the challenge of making your life peaceful....... Knowledge is power........ All the best to you
Personally, there is no way this side of hell, I would allow the husband to drink away the mortgage payment. I can understand the partner not wanting to get involved in your marriage, but there comes a time when drastic actions calls for drastic measures.
You have to protect yourself. If things continue in the matter that they are proceeding, you stand a good chance of losing it all, and there are things you can do to possible protect yourself. Please take the time to talk to a lawyer.
I would rather eat a bucket of worms, than be involved with an active alcoholic. Never again.
I know you are stressed, and it is difficult to make decisions when you are feeling so much pressure. But try to do one positive thing a day that benefits you. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him. He has to make that decision. Instead of giving him an ultimatium, ( which would be useless) why not give yourself the challenge of making your life peaceful....... Knowledge is power........ All the best to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Attended meeting last night ...
Hello,
I haven't been active here since August. I have been back to read, probably, at least, once a week.
Last night (Friday) I attended an Al Anon meeting. I chose a meeting that I was sure I would not be known. (I've got this thing about people in my community knowing how bad things really are. I also have listened to others conversations, giving names of individuals at a particular local meeting. Just do not need to deal with that right now.).
Anyway, the meeting that I went to only had one other person (woman) there. I'm guessing perhaps people were out shopping or just attending family functions? It was absolutely fine though. The woman (maybe 70 something?) Introduced herself and proceeded to explain the meeting procedures and how al anon worked for her. She was a very, very sweet woman who was kind enough to take that upon herself to do for me. I am (was) a bit gun shy and really did not know if I could say anything. (thinking that wh:day2ile driving to meeting.). Just the one sweet woman being there did much to break through my anxiety about all that.
I haven't been active here since August. I have been back to read, probably, at least, once a week.
Last night (Friday) I attended an Al Anon meeting. I chose a meeting that I was sure I would not be known. (I've got this thing about people in my community knowing how bad things really are. I also have listened to others conversations, giving names of individuals at a particular local meeting. Just do not need to deal with that right now.).
Anyway, the meeting that I went to only had one other person (woman) there. I'm guessing perhaps people were out shopping or just attending family functions? It was absolutely fine though. The woman (maybe 70 something?) Introduced herself and proceeded to explain the meeting procedures and how al anon worked for her. She was a very, very sweet woman who was kind enough to take that upon herself to do for me. I am (was) a bit gun shy and really did not know if I could say anything. (thinking that wh:day2ile driving to meeting.). Just the one sweet woman being there did much to break through my anxiety about all that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Portland OR
Posts: 280
Here is the thing about "ultimatums". If you do it with a spirit of manipulation (maybe I can scare them enough to change) you'll always lose that battle. It's not what is best for YOU. My approach was a genuine boundary: becoming clear I could not, would not, live with an active alcoholic, (and understanding the full repercussions of stating my clear boundary) I did the following: In a quiet, loving and compasisonate way, I told him I loved him, that I would support him any possible way he wanted to pursue recovery, BUT...if he chose not to recover, he could not be with me. He left that day, and never looked back.
I'm heartbroken in a million ways, but I spoke my clear truth. Not wanting to reap the repercussions of having such a boundary were certainly there...but how would that serve me ( or him?) I will get beyond this pain and the financial chaos it created. To have done ANY OTHER THING would have been a choice, by me, to keep chaos in my life.
a greatful member of Al Anon
I'm heartbroken in a million ways, but I spoke my clear truth. Not wanting to reap the repercussions of having such a boundary were certainly there...but how would that serve me ( or him?) I will get beyond this pain and the financial chaos it created. To have done ANY OTHER THING would have been a choice, by me, to keep chaos in my life.
a greatful member of Al Anon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by UpSiDeDoWn
Hello,
I haven't been active here since August. I have been back to read, probably, at least, once a week.
Last night (Friday) I attended an Al Anon meeting. I chose a meeting that I was sure I would not be known. (I've got this thing about people in my community knowing how bad things really are. I also have listened to others conversations, giving names of individuals at a particular local meeting. Just do not need to deal with that right now.).
Anyway, the meeting that I went to only had one other person (woman) there. I'm guessing perhaps people were out shopping or just attending family functions? It was absolutely fine though. The woman (maybe 70 something?) Introduced herself and proceeded to explain the meeting procedures and how al anon worked for her. She was a very, very sweet woman who was kind enough to take that upon herself to do for me. I am (was) a bit gun shy and really did not know if I could say anything. (thinking that wh:day2ile driving to meeting.). Just the one sweet woman being there did much to break through my anxiety about all that.
I haven't been active here since August. I have been back to read, probably, at least, once a week.
Last night (Friday) I attended an Al Anon meeting. I chose a meeting that I was sure I would not be known. (I've got this thing about people in my community knowing how bad things really are. I also have listened to others conversations, giving names of individuals at a particular local meeting. Just do not need to deal with that right now.).
Anyway, the meeting that I went to only had one other person (woman) there. I'm guessing perhaps people were out shopping or just attending family functions? It was absolutely fine though. The woman (maybe 70 something?) Introduced herself and proceeded to explain the meeting procedures and how al anon worked for her. She was a very, very sweet woman who was kind enough to take that upon herself to do for me. I am (was) a bit gun shy and really did not know if I could say anything. (thinking that wh:day2ile driving to meeting.). Just the one sweet woman being there did much to break through my anxiety about all that.
I haven't been active here since August. I have been back to read, probably, at least, once a week.
Last night (Friday) I attended an Al Anon meeting. I chose a meeting that I was sure I would not be known. (I've got this thing about people in my community knowing how bad things really are. I also have listened to others conversations, giving names of individuals at a particular local meeting. Just do not need to deal with that right now.).
Anyway, the meeting that I went to only had one other person (woman) there. I'm guessing perhaps people were out shopping or just attending holiday family functions? It was absolutely fine though. The woman (maybe 70 something?) introduced herself and proceeded to explain the meeting procedures and how Al Anon worked for her. She was a very, very sweet woman who was kind enough to take that upon herself to do for me. I am (was) a bit gun shy and really did not know if I could say anything. (thinking that while driving to the meeting.). Just the one sweet woman being there did much to break through my anxiety about all that. So .. meeting went well. Just hoping that if I decide I can drive that distance next Friday, there will be more people?
I have two things that has (so to speak) brought me to my knee's to finally push myself out the door to get to a meeting and that was our financial situation is currently pretty grim (because of husband's alcoholism issues finally effecting his work) and also the fact that each and every night AH comes home from the bar (pretty much every other night) he takes it upon himself to wake me up and go on and on about how I am bettering myself for someone else .. yada, yada, yada. (I have recently lost a lot of weight and apparently it has made him very insecure.) I should say that this is his topic of choice lately. If it isn't that, previously it was something else.
At my age (early 50's) I have been struggling with big time sleep issues anyways. Throwing my AH into the mix (with waking me up and saying terrible things to me) just compounds those problems 10 fold. I never do end up going back to sleep. That makes things almost unbearable for me during my next day at work. Very hard to function to the degree I should be!
Our daughter married a couple of years ago, so there is a bedroom that I will tuck myself in on the nights that AH is at the bar late. It does not matter .. he still ends up coming into that bedroom and proceeds to start one of his rants. Of course I wake up right away .. as this automatically pushes my anxiety levels up to "110". But, I try to pretend to be asleep. That does not work, because he will then make sure that I can't be sleeping, by talking loud and saying things like "I just need one response from you please." It's bizarre, I know.
I try to talk to AH about this on his "days in between" . He tells me he understands and that he will behave .. but just reverts right back to the same behavior. At this point .. I have talked about it too much and am at a loss as to what else I can do? I am the one that is holding things together (if that is what you can call it?) currently. Financially and whatever you could call our semblance of our household.
The other issue is that (if you had the time to read my long-winded threads from this past summer) is big time financial issues. AH's partner (as I predicted) finally had enough. After letting AH have it (threatening to quit their partnership and just work for himself) AH's partner called me and told me that he was putting me in charge of the business check book. (At least on AH's side .. giving the checks to him as needed.) Well, that worked .. until at the end of the month, while looking at bank statements, it was discovered that AH changed the name of vendor on the check's or changed the amounts. (Would change $40 check to $100 and change the name of supply house or gas station to his local watering hole.) Anyway .. turns out that I apparently fail at taking care of the money in business checking account. My anxiety level over this situation is over the top. I am afraid that AH's partner is going to quit now. He does not need my AH .. he does absolutely fine on his own. Because of AH's choices, our family has not had any financial contributions from AH. He drinks it all .. continuously!
Just some of my current situation/rant. I am so very overwhelmed. Just don't seem to know which way to turn.
UpNdOwN
I know .. part of this is duplicated. Initially tried to post this via my phone. I did not do so well at that. (Birthday smiley's etc ..??) I took too long to get logged on desktop computer, so was no longer allowed to edit. Sorry!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Grace,
While I know you are heartbroken, what I wouldn't give to be at the place I need to be ... to do what you did! In my opinion (at least knowing all of the horrible results of AH's disease in MY situation) you traded one heartbreak for another?
I am striving to get to the place whereby I can be strong enough to do what I need to do. I sure hope it does not take me another couple of years. My body can't take it ..
Thank you,
UpSiDeDoWn
While I know you are heartbroken, what I wouldn't give to be at the place I need to be ... to do what you did! In my opinion (at least knowing all of the horrible results of AH's disease in MY situation) you traded one heartbreak for another?
I am striving to get to the place whereby I can be strong enough to do what I need to do. I sure hope it does not take me another couple of years. My body can't take it ..
Thank you,
UpSiDeDoWn
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
You know, you could try setting and enforcing some smaller boundaries first. You don't have to jump into one that immediately gets you out of the house. Sometimes we all need to experience small successes in order to realize our power to help ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I'm so sorry to read that. I'm wishing you peace.
Two issues:
1. Please go see a domestic violence service. Depriving someone of sleep is domestic abuse (did you know it's a torture method?). Put a lock on the bedroom door in the meantime.
2. Even reading about that business stuff gives me an anxiety attack. The thing that strikes me right away is that NO ONE there is on your side or looking out for your interests. Husband is embezzling, partner just wants his own. I wonder if you could hire an accountant, or some kind of corporation/business lawyer who could advise you on how to disentangle yourself from it all. This will likely involve exposing husband's activities.
You deserve better than this! There's help out there.
Two issues:
1. Please go see a domestic violence service. Depriving someone of sleep is domestic abuse (did you know it's a torture method?). Put a lock on the bedroom door in the meantime.
2. Even reading about that business stuff gives me an anxiety attack. The thing that strikes me right away is that NO ONE there is on your side or looking out for your interests. Husband is embezzling, partner just wants his own. I wonder if you could hire an accountant, or some kind of corporation/business lawyer who could advise you on how to disentangle yourself from it all. This will likely involve exposing husband's activities.
You deserve better than this! There's help out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Akrasia,
Believe it or not I have often thought about the fact that I felt like AH causing me so much sleep deprivation was a form of cruel and unusual punishment. The total lack of the feeling of having any control of this situation is extremely stressful to me. I have talked and talked about this to AH. This morning he got up and right away says he is sorry about last night. But he's said all that before .. and it still continues.
You will more than likely be incredulous with my next statement .. but, I don't believe I am "ready" to go to any kind of domestic violence service. I mean, until I have it in me to finally say "this is it" there would be no sense in me contacting a service such as that. Actually putting that in words makes me really wonder who is more unhealthy .. me or AH?
Again the same would apply (at least I think so) to attempting to pull myself out of the picture with the business situation. Both of these things, I believe, I could not even begin to accomplish until I find it in me to say that I am done.
I truly appreciate your support and response. I guess I just have a long way to go?
Upndown
Believe it or not I have often thought about the fact that I felt like AH causing me so much sleep deprivation was a form of cruel and unusual punishment. The total lack of the feeling of having any control of this situation is extremely stressful to me. I have talked and talked about this to AH. This morning he got up and right away says he is sorry about last night. But he's said all that before .. and it still continues.
You will more than likely be incredulous with my next statement .. but, I don't believe I am "ready" to go to any kind of domestic violence service. I mean, until I have it in me to finally say "this is it" there would be no sense in me contacting a service such as that. Actually putting that in words makes me really wonder who is more unhealthy .. me or AH?
Again the same would apply (at least I think so) to attempting to pull myself out of the picture with the business situation. Both of these things, I believe, I could not even begin to accomplish until I find it in me to say that I am done.
I truly appreciate your support and response. I guess I just have a long way to go?
Upndown
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Thlayli,
Yes, I agree that I will have to approach all of this slowly. Though .. I am feeling like I have already wasted so much time but not doing anything previously (except wringing my hands, so to speak) that the speed of demolition of our life as we all used to know it is unbelievable. Perhaps I won't have the choice of taking my time ...?
Upndown
Yes, I agree that I will have to approach all of this slowly. Though .. I am feeling like I have already wasted so much time but not doing anything previously (except wringing my hands, so to speak) that the speed of demolition of our life as we all used to know it is unbelievable. Perhaps I won't have the choice of taking my time ...?
Upndown
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: right here and now
Posts: 33
I gave my AH an ultimatum a few weeks ago. One he agreed to.
And then...
And then he drank anyway. And then he didn't come home one night and didn't call because he stopped and got drunk.
And then I searched the countryside for him, expecting to find him dead somewhere.
And then I found him, still drunk at noon at our office.
And then I took him home (like an idiot) he showered and napped and professed his undying love for me and the kids.
And then for 8 days he didn't drink and things were wonderful, we were still in love and he was my best friend.
And then something set him off, it doesn't even matter what it was, it was trivial, and he brought home beer and got drunk.
And then the next day he told me he didn't like not drinking and didn't care what I said, he'd do it anyway.
And then he went to work.
And then he called and said he wasn't coming home.
And then I felt strangely peaceful.
I am sad and heartbroken because I love this man more than anything, but I did not choose this life for myself and my kidds. We deserve better and I'm glad he chose not to come home. I don't know what will happen in the coming days, but unless he's in a program I'm done with him.
And then we will be free.
And then...
And then he drank anyway. And then he didn't come home one night and didn't call because he stopped and got drunk.
And then I searched the countryside for him, expecting to find him dead somewhere.
And then I found him, still drunk at noon at our office.
And then I took him home (like an idiot) he showered and napped and professed his undying love for me and the kids.
And then for 8 days he didn't drink and things were wonderful, we were still in love and he was my best friend.
And then something set him off, it doesn't even matter what it was, it was trivial, and he brought home beer and got drunk.
And then the next day he told me he didn't like not drinking and didn't care what I said, he'd do it anyway.
And then he went to work.
And then he called and said he wasn't coming home.
And then I felt strangely peaceful.
I am sad and heartbroken because I love this man more than anything, but I did not choose this life for myself and my kidds. We deserve better and I'm glad he chose not to come home. I don't know what will happen in the coming days, but unless he's in a program I'm done with him.
And then we will be free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
Fowlplay,
This past summer I remember feeling like finally "things" were going to happen. AH agreed that we needed to part .. that he was going to move out, to another state. It was numbing at first, but as it sunk in the feeling of relief (for me) was unbelievable. In one fell swoop, all that was reversed as quickly as it all went down and I am back to square one.
Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that I had a glimpse of that "relief" and moment of thinking I would finally find some peace. I do so badly want/need that for myself!
Stay strong ..
Thank you,
Upndown
This past summer I remember feeling like finally "things" were going to happen. AH agreed that we needed to part .. that he was going to move out, to another state. It was numbing at first, but as it sunk in the feeling of relief (for me) was unbelievable. In one fell swoop, all that was reversed as quickly as it all went down and I am back to square one.
Anyway, just thought I'd let you know that I had a glimpse of that "relief" and moment of thinking I would finally find some peace. I do so badly want/need that for myself!
Stay strong ..
Thank you,
Upndown
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