What's something you've experienced in your recovery that's stuck with you?
 

I'm in a weird place right now, and I don't want to talk about what's going on exactly, but I found myself thrown right back into full-blown codependency feeling and "thinking" today and it was discouraging. So I just I reread the post of Al-Anon sayings and it was like taking a cool shower on a hot day. And I found myself wanting more.

So I thought I'd ask you all about things you've experienced in your recovery that...

~ stick in your mind
~ you pull out on those really bad days
~ encouraged you and keeps encouraging you when you come across it again
~ gave you an insight that's been particularly helpful to you.

I know there's sooooo much. But I'm not just talking about sayings -- I'm talking about things your sponsors have told you, insights you've had from listening to others, here or at Al-Anon or from therapists, things that give you new hope when you think you've exhausted all your reserves and can't do it one more hour, let alone one more day.

I need to get myself to a meeting, and I know it won't happen until Tuesday at the earliest. I go to lunch meetings, and my work has been so crazy lately that I don't even get lunch.

But one thing I remember from a meeting -- and I don't think this is breaking confidentiality, is it? Besides, it happened at a meeting in an unnamed town when I was freaking out while traveling for work and found a meeting and went to one evening...

There was this young girl -- maybe 25. She was obviously very shy and spoke very quietly. She started out staring at her hands and not looking at anyone while talking, about how her AH's drinking had gotten increasingly worse until she initiated a separation and moved back to her parents. They had been separated for a couple of years, but, she said, "I couldn't divorce him because he told me that nobody else would ever want me, so I might as well stay with him."

Then she looked up and had tears in her eyes, but it was as if someone had switched on a light in her face when she continued, "but since I started coming to these meetings, I've come to realize that he is wrong. That I am worth loving. And that there will be other people who can love me. And even if I don't meet anyone else, I'm worth better than staying married to a man who is so sick that the best he can do for his wife is tell me how unworthy of anybody's love I am."

It wasn't what she said -- I've heard that from other spouses of alcoholics before and after. But (this is a couple of years ago) it was the way her entire being changed when she said it. You could see... it was like those speeded-up movies of a bud opening up into a beautiful, amazing flower. I remember thinking that "every time I think Al-Anon isn't working and recovery is a crock of ****, I'm going to have to remember this."

I am in a bad place right now too...was doing good for a few months in detatchment and feel like I am falling backwards. The one thing that keeps me strong is remembering that is just a shift in thought. I remember that I have to make choices that make me feel good inside regardless of what my RAH is or isn't doing. Those baby steps and little victories will gain me confidence.

Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of right now:

I give myself pep talks. I actually talk out loud to myself and will give myself compliments. "You are a strong person, you can handle this, etc.". Especially helpful when I'm really upset and I tell myself, "It's okay to feel upset/mad/hurt...this feeling will pass". Hearing it out loud works better than saying it in my head.

I also know that when my sister is having a rough time she will leave herself sticky notes giving herself the same positive talk or reminding her to smile. She says it helps her lots, especially when she leaves one in her locker at work, forgets about it, and by lunch time she gets a nice surprise :)

I remember the first time I was able to look my AH square in the eyes while he was quacking and say, "You're wrong." And actually believe it.

I've spent my whole life with quacking, and just thought that since everyone said it that it must be true. The first time I chose to believe me and not that nonsense was last month, after 20 years of quacking and almost a year of active pursuit of recovery. I can't describe how different I've felt about myself since then, or what a complete paradigm shift that was for me. Now I know that there is nothing wrong with me, and do not doubt it for a moment.

Mindfullness has been a biggie for me. Paying attention to what is going on in my head and derailing the monologues, fights with people not even here and the would'a, should'a and could'a thoughts about the past and the future. So I focus on staying in the present.

Someone posted WAIT, why am I talking. For me its why am I thinking. That and a couple of deep breaths and I usually have my center back.

Your friend,

BTW, being a guy going to al-anon I am much better with feelings now, but I still prefer to talk about tools. :-)

For me, the single most important thing I've internalized, is that I can't control anybody but myself.

Even if I am "right", I can't make anybody think, do, or act in anyway other than the way that they will chose to act.

This has been huge for me when dealing with addicts and non-addicts alike.

I know that I get to make a "suggestion" once only and people can take it or leave it and I don't bring it up again unless asked. I get to express how I feel about a situation but not what anyone else should do.

This translates into if I am unhappy with a situation or person I have to take action and not hope that the other person will change or try to manipulate them into being somebody they are not able to be.

Huge revelation that I use every day with everyone I meet and know.

I am much happier because of it and find that I don't blame anybody for anything any more.

I am responsible for my own well being and happiness! YAY!
I use this every single day.

This saying:

I am enough - just standing still.

That I am enough. I have enough. I am enough. I do enough. I am enough.

Sure, I may want for more, for other, but I am enough. All I really need is right here within me.

For me the Alanon "Just for Today" bookmark has helped me more than anything. When I am too down to think straight, it gets me moving: get dressed, do 2 things you don't want to do, do kindness, decide to be happy....

I like how specific it is.

And I can do something for a couple of hours that would be overwhelming if I look too far ahead.

When things were at their worst I would pull it out and read it every time I pulled up into my driveway and didn't want to go into the house. It calmed my spinning mind and yes, I could act like I wasn't hurt and speak moderately. This taught me compassion.

I liked how it fit in my wallet discreetly.

I'm with Mike on the W.A.I.T., and I like that I now know he's not drinking "at me", he's just drinking.

And I love that I don't have to control or cure him. It takes the pressure off! How could I be expected to do that when I am spinning out of control myself. (And when I hear people without a program say the "make him's", I am calm now. I no longer feel that his behaviour is a reflection on me.)

Most of all, I love how I am open to the "aha's" that you frequently hear in meetings or in conversations with people in recovery, on on this Site. Depending on where you are in your own recovery, when you are ready to have one of those "got it" moments, something you've heard many times before suddenly means something special.

There is a women in my group who looked sad and gloomy and downtrodden when I started, and now she has life in her eyes, and smiles frequently and has a new sureness about her. I realized at some point, she's my mirror. She probably thinks all those things about me! It makes me happy to see her grow, as I grow too.

I've heard "Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens."

That's kept me hanging in there many days that I thought I just couldn't go on.

If anyone has seen the Shrek movies there is a scene in there about how ogres are complicated and that they are multi-dimensional like layers on an onion.

In a therapy session I worked with my counselor about how my recovery is not like an onion but like an artichoke. I keep pulling off layers until I get to the "heart" which is me, myself and I.

This image helps me when I think something I have dealt with and is past comes up again (right now it is my family for instance). I have been using it for years. Oh here we go another layer to get to the heart. Somehow it makes it okay that I have similar lessons coming up again because I need to "get" something deeper about it this time.

For me it's prayer. When I get overwhelmed I pray to my Higher Power to help me get through it, to help me see the path I'm supposed to be on, to help me cope and get through until the "bad feelings" I'm having go away. Prayer comforts me, helps me tremendously.

The things I've learned from recovery have come in handy this past week, with my rather emotional breakup. It was a very tough choice to make, but I am so glad I made it nonetheless, using the tools I picked up here and at Al-Anon. I'm also glad that it's become my natural habit to fall back on these, instead of falling back on drama, malice and self-destruction:

• Whenever I feel an overwhelming emotion such as sadness, I remind myself that no one ever died from being uncomfortable.
• Whenever I feel overwhelmed or frustrated by a situation, I repeat the serenity prayer, asking God for some measure of patience, courage and understanding
• I have learned to LISTEN, not so much with my ears but with my heart, for signs from God...if a situation feels like it's at an impasse, then perhaps God is telling me I need to step back...or that it's simply not meant to be.
• I have learned to TRUST MY INSTINCT (even though I spent years burying it under logic and false hopes, simply because I didn't want to face the fact that deep down, my mind and heart knew the right path to take.
• I do my best (though I have caught myself failing at this) not to script a role for other people, because in the end, I can only control myself
• Finally, I have learned that though my actions and decisions may hurt some people or ruffle other people's feathers, I need above all to be true to myself.

Because I've learned so much in such a short amount of time, I am quite sure that there's more wisdom ahead to be learned, and I am so glad for it.

Thank you, all! You just made my morning better.

And Mike? Stopping the thinking is one of my hardest issues. The "What Ifs?" are currently trying their darndest to drive me nuts.

And since you like to talk about tools, let me tell you that when I left home, the one present my father sent with me was a toolbox with your most commonly used tools. And a friend of mine (who's a carpenter) started the year his children turned one with giving them a toolbox (empty) for their first birthday present. And then they would get another tool every birthday. So by the time they moved out, they had a pretty darn good toolbox! (That's the best I can do in the tool department. :lmao )

My new montra......."I'm done with dysfunction".

I don't know how to say this.......My parents were alcoholics, I kicked my ABF out three weeks ago. I thought if I now avoid alcoholics/ addicts I'll be fine. But it's so much more then that.

I've finally figured out I'M FINE. THEY have the problem.

RECOVERY is what I call what I'm doing, only because I've had the codie stuff, but in reality NORMAL HEALTHY PEOPLE do the steps everyday without having to call it RECOVERY. So these toxic people are not all alcoholics/ addicts, their just people who walk around in a shell never knowing who they really are and never opening themselves up to anyone. The XBF was sent into my life to teach me this lesson.

So I'm not only done with alcoholics/ addicts.....I'M DONE WITH DYSFUNCTION IN MYSELF AND THE PEOPLE I SURROUND MYSELF WITH! YAY!

I've learned to ask for help when I need it...

Mike - I just bought a circular saw with the plan to build some planters in my yard with 2x6's. Anything I need to know about circular saws?

:c031:

thanks for this thread. It's great.

I"m with wywriter.

The single most impactful moment of my recover, so far, was the first time I went back to sleep when AH threatened to abandon me, instead of following him around crying. Our pattern had been:

AH would become enraged at me, tell me he was divorcing me, take off his ring and launch into a list of whats wrong with me and why it would never work between us. Quacking. But it devistated me over and over again.

I learned to not believe him, to shift the power back to myself by saying, "I am leaving YOU now, I am free of you and toxic behavior. All is for my greater good."

it was a miracle. And since, coming here has taught me to ignore the quacking and focus on myself. That's been the greatest gift. Look within myself when I'm uncomfortable, to find what I can actually change.

ROFL! Sorry Tuffgirl I can't help with that one other than be careful. I work with computers and my tools have more to do databases and reports and sql and other cool stuff like that. I have basic home repair skills from owning a house for 30 years but beyond that I am more a danger than a help.

Your friend,

:lmao YES! Make sure HANK is handling the circular saw! That's my advice, too! (My grandfather was a master carpenter and lost his thumb to one of them contraptions, so I totally prefer that Hank handles them, rather than me!)

Shucks...thought that was an offer to have Hank come over and cut these 2x6's for me!

Too Physically & Emotinally Drained To Write Anything Tonight...

But cant wait to get up in the morning with a cup of coffee & read some more of this.

Very Positive Ways of Thinking....Very Refreshing!!

Lillamy - THANK YOU!!!

Transformy your mantra helped so many times when I saw XABF everyday... I will always be grateful.

One of the huge ones was when XABF was drinking a beer a Tuesday at 6 PM. The way he was holding the beer. As if it was his best friend or something natural, like someone holding a Diet Coke. After so many bad experiences there he was very "relaxed", matter of factly staring at me with his drink, no expression in his eyes. Felt like a routine for him. The way he truly didn't give a damn about how I felt.

My gut feeling that said GET AWAY NOW, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS, RUN AWAY, DONT LOOK BACK, GET AWAY NOW. I had never felt anything like that before. But I couldnt ignore this inner voice anymore. I packed.

The cab driver showed more compassion than XABF ever did.


The janitor at work showed more compassion than XABF ever did.

The way she asked me "your eyes look very sad lady, what's up?" at the time I had felt invisible for so much time and I realized that yes, I was Someone too and STRANGERS showed more humanity than the Ex. That is where I learned the difference between WORDS and ACTIONS..

OK remembering this made me all teary.. but its all good.



Another thing, crying and talking to myself with compassion instead of telling myself how weak or stupid I am for feeling whatever.

Another huge one was the post where someone said she was forgiving and letting go for entirely selfish reasons. For my own freedom and health, this helps me remember all the inner work is not about others, I am the one getting all the benefits, and I am worth it.

Being able to recognise that codependency "feeling and thinking," for me is a giant step. That's the first thing that saves my bacon, actually - I get that "oh, no - here I am again," feeling - then I remember that it has -always- passed, eventually.

I can still get the crazies - two things have changed my life in recovery. First, it's up to me to stick up for me (this looks like a simple sentence but has been a life-changing revelation). I have the right to do it, I'm responsible for it and I now have the tools to do it. I cannot change anyone else but I can take or leave situations that aren't good for me or practice detachment (try to) when I'm in a situation that's triggering me.

The second thing is that so very little in the world around me has to be taken personally. The difference between something feeling personal and being personal is huge. If I can pause before I react - that pause is where I can stop the crazies blowing out into a full-scale meltdown.

Thirdly - first things first (old and hackneyed but a goodie for me). Self care means getting some rest, eating well and if I'm in a bind, pulling out all my recovery books and keeping my nose in them until something helps. I got really burnt out at work recently and the difference that taking a real weekend that wasn't stuffed with chores made to my frame of mind was amazing. I have no center when I'm not making time to rest and clear my head. It really shows.

All of this may be too vague, I hope something is of value - no huge insights but really, the fact that you recognise that you're "there" and are reaching out? That's amazing.

Hope it passes soon, SL xoxox

My sponsor once said: a leopard doesn't change his spots. I remember that anytime I entertain the thought that someone should/could change because I want them to. Also, that I'm powerless over people, places and things.

Aside from all the 12-Step slogans, which I probably use everyday of my life, one thing I have learned by trial and error is, once I have decided on a particular course of action, I go forward with it and never turn back.

I have learned the meaning of "one day at a time" and try little by little to put this slogan into place. During a meeting a women shared that she had spent so much time, effort, and energy organizing her kids childhoods that she didn't get to appreciate or really even experience them. I don't want that to happen to me. I want to experience my son's childhood.

Bump for antidote to my crankiness!

My first posts on this wonderful thread were in jest...mainly because in my own recovery I found my sense of humor again. Then I lost it somewhere between home and the office on Monday and am still looking for it!

So...in that vain...today I am grateful for the Al-Anon Just for Todays...and really have been for the entire year I have been in the program. I keep my little bookmark handy so I can read them regularly. And in my crankiness the last few days, they have been a lifesaver (probably more for my kids then me!)

Learning these little "mind tricks" to get myself out of a funk and stop my own stinkin thinkin has been so helpful. But so has learning to give myself permission to say I am just damn cranky this week and am going to lock myself in my room/office alone and not take it out on anyone else, or look for others to blame. My emotions are my own.

This in particular was a huge big good reminder for me -- THANK YOU!!! I'm working (A-effing-GAIN!) on not being affected by, or even think of, how I think AXH is going to react to this and that that happens. Also, the practice in "practice detachment" is huge for me. It's not something I'll ever perfect, but I do need to continue practicing it...

I've had no contact with my A/NA friend for 14 mths...saw him on the highway...he's yelling I want our friendship, i will call you...i heard he is 18 mths clean and this month 1 year sober...

still, today, not a word...

ACTIONS speak louder than words.....
and do i really want to go back to that place again...?? HE77 NO!!