FindingPeace1

I'd love to leave one of those posts with the music behind it where I've been gone because I am RELISHING singlehood.

I'm in a dark place today.
Grieving my heart out is more like it.
Skipping work because I am a shambles.

My nephew came to visit me and it was the first time I have seen him since the divorce is final. He's 13. He LOVED my XAH.

I tried to broach the subject.

He changed the subject.

I feel WRECKED.

I am now exploring the impact of my divorce on my family. My niece and nephew.

What have I done?

I mean, I recognize I had no options that I liked.
Looking back, it was a year and a half from finding out about the drinking problem (and losing the baby) to divorce finalized.

I am in shock.
I feel like I moved too fast.

If I had only been more...
patient? Christ-like? Buddha-like? Ghandi-like? Loving? Tempered? Emotionally independent?
I could have held out. With more peace and tolerance. I could have waited. I could have showed him I wasn't going anywhere.
I could have held the emotional space for him to lose it and recover.
He would have tempered himself. He would have come around. He COULD have...

I know. It's all fantasy.
I'll never know what he would have done.
I couldn't have been who I wasn't.

Still...I feel so...
untrustworthy.

I gave my word (in marriage) and gave it back just as quick.
Oh, never mind. All that stuff I said about forever?
Psych! I'm outtie.

OH, MAN!

I know its not my job to be the only sane one...
I just...
I just ran away.
I know he gave me NO indication that he was interested in change...
I just...didn't stay to find out.

I went to 3 different therapists...every one was impressed by his issues. My friends encouraged me to get out. You all did, too...
I thought it was best...

My XAH's mother said to me, "If you are going to do it, just get it done. Don't drag it out for either one of you."

So...I did.
It's done.

And I'm...

My XAH has gone NC. Natural and healthy choice, given his circumstance.

I'm bereft. Regretful. Grieving. Confused. Disappointed.
Maybe I went to fast.
Maybe I should have stayed.
Maybe I should have had more ability to love in the face of his...defense and bitterness and denial.
Maybe he could have come around WITH TIME.
Maybe I took away the chance at resolution because I ran away.
Maybe I have to bear the karmic weight of divorce.

I don't want it.

Kind words?
fp

ariadne

first (())

grieving a relationship is natural, the second guessing? This is a codependent trait: I'm not new just got a new log-in, and I remember you and your struggles within the marriage, you gave him many chances, excercised a lot of patience, tried every avenue including waiting. He made decisions that left the choices available to you pretty crappy.

Are you seeing a therapist now? to help work through your feelings about this? I find it interesting that you think divorce is a karmically negative event, and that you have "done something" to your wider family.

I am very glad that I finally ended the relationship with xAH, it was a toxic mess, but I still mourn the relationship from time to time, not the day to day of it, more what I wished it had been, what it could have been, if only he and I had been completely different (!). It does get better, and I am finding ways to allow myself to mourn that, and feel sad that it didn't work out, without tripping into my well-worn self-flagellation routine, I can be sad without apportioning blame. Sure I played my part, I'm human, but I could not make him be someone else, no matter what I did, and I couldn't live with the way he was, and that's OK. we live: we learn

theuncertainty

for your pain and

I really, really want to reach out and give you a hug, FindingPeace. Can I be truthful and say: I'm not sure if it's just because I want to offer some consolation or if it's that I really need a hug too.

Ending a marriage always feels like it was ended too fast, and contrarily, at the same time it can feel like we held on way too long. You did the right thing. It sounds like you *know* you did. It wouldn't have been any easier on your niece and nephew had you held on for longer.

Maybe's are nothing to build a marriage on when the other party is not willing to work towards those dreams.

Let yourself cry. Let yourself get angry. Let yourself feel every cr-ppy emotion that is trying to come out. Let yourself grieve the marriage and losing your baby. That is such a hard, hard thing. Some might tell you that there's no reason to grieve if the baby was never born, but I disagree. I fell in love with my son before he was born and I loved his older almost-brother or sister before I lost him/her.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself.:ghug3

DMC

Be gentle on yourself. Really. You've been through a lot. Divorce is incredibly stressful, even for the one who initiates it.

I grieved my marriage for years and years before I ended it. And waited waaaay too long - by the time it was finally over, I had been over it for years. My marriage lasted 11 years. I first thought about leaving at about the 4 year mark. As in, I was already researching divorce options. But I didn't - I "hung on" and let myself be tortured for another, damn, 7 years. Which is why I was really ready to celebrate once it was final. But that's 7 years of my life I'm not gonna get back.

Be sad. It's ok. Be angry. It's a big change, and it is totally normal to grieve. It will get better, but down days are normal and common. Add to it the grief of losing a baby (who cares whether the child was born - you were emotionally bound as a mother already) and it's NORMAL to feel the way you do.

Hugs.
Hang in there.
Baby yourself. A good cry does help. Helped me many a night.

LifeRecovery

This really helped me to allow space for myself when I was going through my divorce. Space for all the rollarcoaster of emotions I experienced...often in quick succession. I hope it might provide you some of the same relief.

By Rumi
"This being human is a guest house,
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and embrace them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for
some new delight.
The dark thought,the shame,
the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond."

seekingcalm

Finding Peace...I feel your pain, I do.

Be gentle with yourself. It hurts, it's hard, we do second guess ourselves. Divorce is hard, it takes courage, there are many opportunities to stop the process. There is a good reason you went through with it. "Let go or be dragged" ...or be blamed, or ignored, or so many awful things, we cannot go on.

Re Read "Things a Normie Wouldn't Know"...I miss Coyote, but he left us with a powerful gift.

This is our life, good, bad, hurting, healing, growing...all a part of the journey.

Let it hurt, but never ever question your judgment. It only gets better from here.

Hugs.

Sylvie66

My 22yo daughter came to visit this last week, and said how much it hurt her to see my xABF so sad. Then she said 'You did the right thing. I know it doesn't matter whether I think you did the right thing or not, because you did what you needed to do - I just want to tell you that it'll be okay.'
That's the difference between 13 and 22. That's all.

- Sylvie

FindingPeace1

Are you seeing a therapist now?
health insurance should start soon and I just found one that drives into my far away town.
to help work through your feelings about this? I find it interesting that you think divorce is a karmically negative event, and that you have "done something" to your wider family.
It's the commitment breaking. The loss of an uncle for my niece and nephew. I feel guilty...although I ALREADY feel better than earlier today (and certainly better after reading all your love)
I am very glad that I finally ended the relationship with xAH, it was a toxic mess, but I still mourn the relationship from time to time, not the day to day of it, more what I wished it had been, what it could have been, if only he and I had been completely different (!).

That IS it. Especially if he had been different. Have to remember who he is/was. This is the reality check I needed.
It does get better, and I am finding ways to allow myself to mourn that, and feel sad that it didn't work out, without tripping into my well-worn self-flagellation routine, I can be sad without apportioning blame.

Sure I played my part, I'm human, but I could not make him be someone else, no matter what I did, and I couldn't live with the way he was, and that's OK. we live: we learn
I love this. Thank you.

FindingPeace1

I've been away...where's coyote gone?

ValJester

FP1,

Sorry you are so blue, I can relate...

I just picked up the Al Anon book. "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses".

Hardly started it but it has helped me dealing with Grief in just the first few pages.

Life is full of second guessing, there is no perfect one answer, everything has some doubt associated with it.

Your feelings direct you down the right route.

Mind yourself..

seekingcalm

Don't know...Coyote has not posted for a long time. Does anyone know?

Freedom1990

The last I knew, he was checking into going back to college full-time.

MyBetterWorld

I wonder if Coyote maybe just doesn't "need" this board anymore? I miss him too, he was a wealth of advice and humor. If indeed he doesn't need this anymore, we should think of that as a wonderful thing for him!

FindingPeace1

Still feeling sad but better.
Reading here has been helpful.
Remembering who he was and was choosing to be rather than what I lost.
Allowing myself to love him from afar.
Allowing my choice to be an okay one.
Loving me.
Loving you all!

Thanks.
Yesterday was pretty low.

Yah for yesterdays - experiencing them (especially without calling the X) and todays being...different!
fp

Freedom1990

Indeed! Sending you hugs of support!