Sober husband and marital problems
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
suddenly he needs "alone time and space" suddenly you are "not what he was looking for" when 4 months ago he was talking babies and pregnancy. You have found inappropriate messages on his phone. Think---about---all these things...do the math.
He is not texting you looking for his dinner, he wants to be sure you won't question his comings and goings...He is talking rudely to you so you will react, he can pick a fight and blame you for his excuse to leave.
I would bet my new favorite shoes that he is cheating with someone he met recently.
He is not texting you looking for his dinner, he wants to be sure you won't question his comings and goings...He is talking rudely to you so you will react, he can pick a fight and blame you for his excuse to leave.
I would bet my new favorite shoes that he is cheating with someone he met recently.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by Fandy 
I would bet my new favorite shoes that he is cheating with someone he met recently.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 21
yea I would hate to assume he was cheating...i would think he is hiding something but i pray that is not drinking or drugs. My boyfriend did both...and hid them from me and it killed me when i found out and he decided to quit just to start hiding it from me again 
i just wish i knew how to handle this...he is on a emotional roller coaster with me right now and I am easy to get motion sickness...this is for sure making me ill any advice for someone that lives with this and new to this
i just wish i knew how to handle this...he is on a emotional roller coaster with me right now and I am easy to get motion sickness...this is for sure making me ill any advice for someone that lives with this and new to this Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
I hate to say it, but I was kind of leaning the same way as Fandy. I like my new favorite shoes too much to bet them...but it sounds to me like what has happened to so many of my friends. The whole "its not you, its me" thing. Being sweet and loving...seemingly committed to marriage and then turning on a dime. I have three friends (and one mother) whose husbands did this. Every one of them was having an affair.
Some people are just endorphin junkies. They thrive off the initial hormonal response of the thrill of the chase, the high of the wedding, the newness of the first couple of years. When that starts to become "normal" and they come across someone that makes them feel that "love high" again, they mistakenly think that they never felt love at all before.
You know, not a single one of us could tell you what IS going on in his head. But I can tell you that solely from my experience, when I first read your post, I thought "affair".
No matter what the reason, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horribly painful to put your love and trust in someone and have them yank the rug out from under you. It leaves you feeling like you should have done something different...but so often is has absolutely nothing to do with us.
Some people are just endorphin junkies. They thrive off the initial hormonal response of the thrill of the chase, the high of the wedding, the newness of the first couple of years. When that starts to become "normal" and they come across someone that makes them feel that "love high" again, they mistakenly think that they never felt love at all before.
You know, not a single one of us could tell you what IS going on in his head. But I can tell you that solely from my experience, when I first read your post, I thought "affair".
No matter what the reason, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horribly painful to put your love and trust in someone and have them yank the rug out from under you. It leaves you feeling like you should have done something different...but so often is has absolutely nothing to do with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Alanon is for anyone who has been affected by someone's alcoholism. He may be 'sober', and I use that term lightly, but he's still an alcoholic.
Sober, for me as a recovering alcoholic, encompasses body, mind, and spirit. He's mean-spirited and verbally abusive to you. That is not sober. That is dry.
My personal experience with my EXAH was he always needed to know where I was and treated me like crap because he was cheating on me, multiple times.
Sober, for me as a recovering alcoholic, encompasses body, mind, and spirit. He's mean-spirited and verbally abusive to you. That is not sober. That is dry.
My personal experience with my EXAH was he always needed to know where I was and treated me like crap because he was cheating on me, multiple times.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
"Now we are at a place where he is telling me to "F-Off"... I'm not what he's looking for...I would never speak to him that way. I just can't understand it.
He is just looking to fight about absolutely everything. 2 weeks ago we were in the car to go to my parents' house for dinner. On the way he started arguing with me and decided he was not coming to dinner. He dropped me off and left. I was embarrassed to show up alone. To make it worse, I called for him to pick me up and he wouldn't even answer the phone. When he dropped me off he said that he was going to an AA meeting. When my dad had to drop me off later that night since he never came to get me, he told me he never went to the meeting and he was on the couch watching sports garbage".
This is copied from Yorkies post...(i cannot make the blue box, sorry)....this screams cheating to me....again, I will bet my new favorite shoes, he wasn't home, he was with someone else, that is why he did not answer his phone.
I'm sorry, but he is being this way to you on purpose...I think he has something going. Booze would be more obvious, the scent.
He is just looking to fight about absolutely everything. 2 weeks ago we were in the car to go to my parents' house for dinner. On the way he started arguing with me and decided he was not coming to dinner. He dropped me off and left. I was embarrassed to show up alone. To make it worse, I called for him to pick me up and he wouldn't even answer the phone. When he dropped me off he said that he was going to an AA meeting. When my dad had to drop me off later that night since he never came to get me, he told me he never went to the meeting and he was on the couch watching sports garbage".
This is copied from Yorkies post...(i cannot make the blue box, sorry)....this screams cheating to me....again, I will bet my new favorite shoes, he wasn't home, he was with someone else, that is why he did not answer his phone.
I'm sorry, but he is being this way to you on purpose...I think he has something going. Booze would be more obvious, the scent.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
All previous posters make great sense. And I am sure you are overwhelmed with it all. But even as we suppose and propose and speculate...the MOST important thing for you to do is focus on yourself.
Keep going to Al-Anon, Keep reading and posting here, read Codependent No More, and you will learn to find your happiness within yourself. I was there, and it is so hard and so useless to allow someone else's moods and actions to dictate our feelings of self worth and happiness and calm and serenity. You will learn to take back that power, and get all those things from yourself.
I'd go back on the birth control too...more will be revealed. When it's time for you to know what is really going on with him, you will. Until then, it's all about YOU! Don't forget
Keep going to Al-Anon, Keep reading and posting here, read Codependent No More, and you will learn to find your happiness within yourself. I was there, and it is so hard and so useless to allow someone else's moods and actions to dictate our feelings of self worth and happiness and calm and serenity. You will learn to take back that power, and get all those things from yourself.
I'd go back on the birth control too...more will be revealed. When it's time for you to know what is really going on with him, you will. Until then, it's all about YOU! Don't forget
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
If you are out and he says he was at home...if it's evening and the sun is down...put your hand on the hood of his car...is it warm like he just turned it off? (sometimes you can hear the engine ticking, depends). I've been here, it's like a lump of stone in your stomach.
I would start checking internet history, phone history, texts, pockets, credit card bills, ATM transactions...I would check his work too.
I would also start skimming $$$ from the household finances and sock it into an emergency account in your name only...If it turns out you don't need it, you can put it back.
I would start checking internet history, phone history, texts, pockets, credit card bills, ATM transactions...I would check his work too.
I would also start skimming $$$ from the household finances and sock it into an emergency account in your name only...If it turns out you don't need it, you can put it back.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know what might be going on with him--lots of possibilities: cheating, lousy sobriety, personality disorder, fear of commitment, low self-esteem, yadayada.
The bottom line, I think, is he apparently does not want to be married to you, and it sounds like a pretty miserable way for you to live. It's uncomfortable having to go through the logistics of relocating, but it can be done. Up to you how much you are willing to endure for the sake of a relationship that doesn't sound like it's good for you at all.
I think you would find Al-Anon and the skills that are taught there very helpful in getting your head on straight and focusing on what is best for YOU.
The bottom line, I think, is he apparently does not want to be married to you, and it sounds like a pretty miserable way for you to live. It's uncomfortable having to go through the logistics of relocating, but it can be done. Up to you how much you are willing to endure for the sake of a relationship that doesn't sound like it's good for you at all.
I think you would find Al-Anon and the skills that are taught there very helpful in getting your head on straight and focusing on what is best for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
It sounds like it could be a relapse, or an affair. It could be, as someone suggested, someone who is an endorphin junkie, and the day-to-day existence isn't as exciting.
I my misspent youth, I had an ABF, but alcohol wasn't the only issue in our relationship. M always had a "plan B" for everything, eventually I found out it even included the category "girlfriend." He treated me so rudely, sometimes, that even his friends asked me why I was still dating him. He was seeing other women even while we lived together. He even broke up with me a couple times, but I begged him to come back. I wondered, after it was finally over, if this was his plan: to prompt me to end the relationship so that he would have no guilt and could tell others that he was the injured party.
Fast forward a few years and I'm watching an episode of "Friends." The dialog, as best as I can remember it:
Female character: You know, we're on to you guys. We know you treat us lousy so we break up with you, an you can pretend it's our idea and you don't have to feel guilty.
Male character: Girls know about that?
By the way, be prepared: M told his colleagues, family and friends he was heartbroken over our breakup, even though it amounted to me not begging him to come back.
I my misspent youth, I had an ABF, but alcohol wasn't the only issue in our relationship. M always had a "plan B" for everything, eventually I found out it even included the category "girlfriend." He treated me so rudely, sometimes, that even his friends asked me why I was still dating him. He was seeing other women even while we lived together. He even broke up with me a couple times, but I begged him to come back. I wondered, after it was finally over, if this was his plan: to prompt me to end the relationship so that he would have no guilt and could tell others that he was the injured party.
Fast forward a few years and I'm watching an episode of "Friends." The dialog, as best as I can remember it:
Female character: You know, we're on to you guys. We know you treat us lousy so we break up with you, an you can pretend it's our idea and you don't have to feel guilty.
Male character: Girls know about that?
By the way, be prepared: M told his colleagues, family and friends he was heartbroken over our breakup, even though it amounted to me not begging him to come back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: TX
Posts: 50
This past week I think I came to find out what exactly is ment by the term "dry drunk" My AH is only attending meetings 1 or 2 times a week as well. He has not found serinity. Consequently he is restless, irratable and discontent. I find that Al-anon meetings do help me. The fellowship I have found, the firends I am starting to make, and the tools I am slowly learning are all part of my recovery. I hope that as I begin to be a happier, healthier person my AH will want some of what I have and start to work a stronger program. My sponsor suggests waiting a year to see where everyone is at that time. I plan to follow her advice.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I don't know if he's cheating or drinking or drugging or all of the above. What I do know is that you've described what I like to call "Shady Behavior". It is unloving and unkind.
You are doing well to seek out those places you find peace. I do recommend continuing Al-anon because it's a great place to gain real life skills when we're affected by someone else's alcoholism, and your situation does qualify. For someone who exhibits codependent behaviors, as your post indicates, this is also very helpful.
I also recommend the book by Melody Beatty, "Codependent No More".
Also, noting, in our area anyway, SPCA always needs volunteers.
Do those happy things for YOU and then everything else will make more sense.
You are doing well to seek out those places you find peace. I do recommend continuing Al-anon because it's a great place to gain real life skills when we're affected by someone else's alcoholism, and your situation does qualify. For someone who exhibits codependent behaviors, as your post indicates, this is also very helpful.
I also recommend the book by Melody Beatty, "Codependent No More".
Also, noting, in our area anyway, SPCA always needs volunteers.
Do those happy things for YOU and then everything else will make more sense.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
What he is doing or thinking or any of that is not important. You are important, and you are clearly not getting what you want or need from this marriage.
Focus on you, take care of you, and I promise, things will get better. They just will. Keeping the focus on him, his actions, his behavior, his motivation, will make you miserable, and make you feel like you are losing your mind. Don't do it.
Focus on you, take care of you, and I promise, things will get better. They just will. Keeping the focus on him, his actions, his behavior, his motivation, will make you miserable, and make you feel like you are losing your mind. Don't do it.
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