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I am so low

Old 08-02-2011, 11:45 PM
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I am so low

I had been doing well in detaching from my separated RAH when last week I was advised that I would be having to have an emergency hysterectomy due to my uteran cancer. I found out on Monday I would be having it Friday and it didn't leave me a lot of time to prepare, make arrangements for my children, etc...So unfortunately I had to rely on the help of my separated RAH. He assured me he could be there for me because this is a serious health issue and he had our daughter's best interest at heart, so I took his help. He took off day of my surgery to take me and day after to care for our kids. Long story short, he is not in full recovery because he is not drinking but he is not working his recovery and doing the care he needs to learn to cope. He sees a counselor once a week but no AA or anything else. He feels above that. So morning of my surgery, we were on the way and a small argument turns into a big fight and he throws his hot coffee on me as I am walking in the hospital to check in to have my hyseterectomy because I have cancer. Cancer that I got due to a HPV that I acquired from an STD he gave me when he was cheating on me ...I hold a lot of resentment for that, but that's a whole nother Oprah. I come out of recovery and he has bought me some flowers as if to make up for his abusive behavior. I am just so mad at home recovering on my own that I had to even ask for his help and then he manages to kick me while I am down. He is just an awful person and I wish I could get as far away as possible. I am laying here in bed recovering not able to do household chores, not able to sleep, not able to pick up our 3 year old. No family or friends to help because they all were alienated during the course of our relationship. I called my counselor but I am not allowed to drive until August 10th, so I have an appt on 8.13. He pulled me in just to spit me out again. I really just wish he would disappear. I feel so foolish for thinking he would actually rise to the occasion. He just is not a good person who is selfish and has always put himself first. I really have to treat him like he is dead. I was just in a desperate situation and looking back I know I should have done whatever I needed to not to accept his help...I guess I wanted to believe in him still some way.
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:00 AM
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Dear sweetteewalls,

All that matters is that you are OK now and healing. Try to focus on your wellbeing.

People show us who they are all the time. We can decide to share time -life- with them, or not, that's our decision.
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:24 AM
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Sweetee, reach out to your family again. Don't presume they will turn away from you in these circumstances. You don't have to be alone.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:12 AM
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I'm so sorry you are suffering like this.....I so relate to you......I have no advice, but I'm praying for you and I have been in similar situations...MANY times. Hang in.
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Old 08-03-2011, 05:51 AM
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Hi Sweeteewalls,

Get well soon.

I have recently left my AH of 23yrs and what you are going through was one of the reasons why I left. Whenever there is a 'crisis' with me or with my family, my AH reverts to form, he cant handle my stress, so drinks more and then 'adds' (with unreasonable behavior) to the stress that I am already going through. I am terrified of getting really sick, or my parents dying or receiving some really bad news because I know that my AH will make matters a whole lot worse for me - as he always has done in the past.

Whats done is done now for you but maybe you can learn from this and move forward, planning to be more independent (from you RAH) in the future. Whilst you are convalescing why don't you plan to do some activities that will get you involved in the wider community and get you making friends again. I joined an Acapella choir and have made many 'nice' friends who organise and invite me to socials. Its great fun too, learning new songs and performing in public every now and again. I know that it takes time to make strong friendships with people who will be there for you in times of need, but it might be worth starting now. At least then you wont have to rely on your waste of space RAH.
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:53 AM
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Sweeteewalls,

I am so sorry that you have had to be put through this treatment by him. it is sad to have to ask someone for help, knowing that they are not going to make it worth it. At least you got a ride, got a ride home, and maybe he helped with the baby? take it for the little bit of help it was. and I agree with the above post that you might think of reaching out to your family. At least they might be of some help, and will not throw hot coffee on you. if it is of any help, it will be something.
get well dear, and plan on having a good life after you recover. you dont have to live with anyone who is abusive. he sounds like he is a mess, and cares more about his selfish self than anyone else. many people like that in the world.

your family, no matter how angry at the situation, will most likely want to help, even if there are strained feelings, perhaps they would want to be there for you at this time.
rest and take care honey, i am so sorry that things are so tough right now. we are thinking of you, and wishing for good things to come from the bad.

hugs
annette
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:50 AM
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Sweeteewalls. Your story really touched me. I related to it so well as I've just had recent extensive surgery in the same area. I also got HPV from my alcoholic ex. He too, in the 11th hour offered assistance. After surgery and dosed up on endone, he offered to come over, look after me and our four year old for three days. I knew he meant it and I knew he would have looked after me. I burst into tears (we separated 2 years ago and he's chronically addicted to alcohol). I told him I needed to think about it. Whilst his help would have been greatly appreciated as I have no real hands on support either and five kids, the emotional strain on me would have been too much. I called him back and asked if his three day offer was just that, three days and he'd be gone. He said yes, it was three days only. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make because I needed looking after but the long term affect would have been emotionally devastating for me and so I said no to the offer.

I understand the resentment you feel regarding contracting the HPV from your ex too. The ripple affect of being with an alcoholic can last for a long time. Drinking A's are very selfish and self centred. Any alcoholic with enough recovery under their belt will say the same thing.

We deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved, to be nurtured. I know how fearful you must be right now. The thing is, if you stay on this path of recovery, life can and will get better. It can be slow progress...recovery takes time. It seems you have been given a 'wake up' call, as have I. We need to start taking care of ourselves. Slowly we will get stronger so that when they come back into our lives with remorse flowers etc, we will be strong enough to shut the door.

They are grown men. They know where to get help.

In the meantime, you have a lot of physical recovery to do and the emotions that go with that. Please know that even though we're in cyber space and can't do anything to help on a practical level, there are people here who understand and care about what you're going through.

By the way, please put away the whip and stop beating yourself up for asking him for help. It's so natural to turn to the person who is supposed to care for us, especially in times like this. It took me me almost two years of recovery to say no to my ex. Anytime if offered scraps, I accepted them. I won't accept his scraps anymore.

All the best sweet, I hope your recovery goes well and lots of hugs to you.
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Old 08-03-2011, 11:39 AM
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:ghug3
I'd like to second Bookwyrm's suggestion. I've been astounded by the support I've recently begun receiving from several friends and their families - who XAAH told me hated me (for leaving him), who had said nor implied any such thing - who, in fact, were waiting in agony for me to make my choice. Not every one, but more than I thought possible.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.
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Old 08-03-2011, 12:01 PM
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Thank you for the support everyone. I feel like I am sliding backwards because before the surgery I was doing well in my goals to detatch. Now, because I am bedridden, all I have to do is watch tv, be online, read and just be alone with my thoughts and dwell. He continually tells me I am being stubborn by not taking his help but I told him "You threw coffee on me the morning of my surgery as I walked in to get a hysterectomy because I have cancer because of what you passed to me, that is not normal or healthy. I am not going to rely on you anymore." I felt good telling him that but walking the walk is the hardest part. I know I will be better once I am more mobile. As I stated in previous posts, I am starting back to school in fall semester, soon...so that will take my mind off and keep me busy. Just getting through these hard nights when I am in emotional and physical pain are the worst...
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:29 PM
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Things are gonna get better. someday this will all be behind you, and you are gonna be, (already seem ) stronger.

you can always get on here, and talk to someone, usually there is someone around.

i wish you quick recovery, and strength and best of luck with school. that is exciting, tho you probably dont feel very good right now. you have been through a lot. take it easy on yourself.

hugs
chicory
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:03 PM
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Oh. My. God. What. A. Jerk. I'm sitting here with my mouth hanging open, almost unable to believe that someone could be that terrible. Sweetteewalls, I'm sending you my love today and my wishes that something, something, something good comes from this. With love.
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Old 08-03-2011, 04:59 PM
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I am sending healing and loving thoughts to you. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Cocentrate on getting well for you and your child.
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Old 08-03-2011, 07:50 PM
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Lying here in physical pain, just took my pain meds. He text me asking if I need him to make me and daughter dinner. Truth? I do but I will just settle for eating sandwiches for dinner. I cannot take his help no matter how much I need it. It will only lead somewhere bad.
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:57 AM
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Yes, "help" should be help. Real help.

I'm making you turkey sandwiches with my mind!
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:10 PM
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Sweeteewalls, I had cancer too and my AH was nowhere around to take care of me thank God for my adult kids! My AH dealt with my cancer by being drunk 24/7 for months to block out the realty of it and even told our neighbors I didn't even have cancer. I wish you didn't live so far away I would come to help you out.

Try and take care of yourself and I'll be praying for you.
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Old 08-04-2011, 12:29 PM
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Sending you hugs of support today!
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Old 08-04-2011, 01:01 PM
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My God, how awful, broke my heart to read that. Don't have resentments sweetie, doesn't do them anything, just hurts you more. I feel for you and please know we are hear and praying for you. he sounds like he's a real live wire so to speak, I'd stay far away. you don't deserve that behavior ever but especially since you are ill. I'm devastated for you. thank God you are getting better. prayers ,m
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Old 08-04-2011, 08:03 PM
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I too am sending you all my best wishes. I know what it's like to need help and feel like I have to rely on the most unreliable person ...
Maybe it is time to reach out to a family member, as others suggested? Alienation doesn't have to last forever. I bet someone is waiting for a chance to be a part of your life again. You sound like you are very strong. You will get though this.
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Old 08-04-2011, 10:04 PM
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This site continues to be my strength right now that my sources are limited. I have reached out to a few friends who will come this weekend to help with various things like taking my past due videos back andmarketing, etc...Its challenging because I see him daily when he takes our daughter for a few hours so I get anxiety each time he's going to pick her up or drop her off. I just keep telling myself the least contact the better! Trying to get through this next week because I think Ill be more capable of getting around, driving, etc...
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Old 08-06-2011, 01:07 AM
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Separated RAH just gave me a drunk phone call. I'm lying here in physical pain and I listened to him ramble. What is wrong with me that I even answered the phone? He's drunk with my stepson and I'm thankful I have our daughter home safe in bed but it kills me he was going on 3 months sober. I have to detatch. I have to not let this bother me but it is breaking my heart!
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