Hi, need some confidence and reassurance to get past this pain and lonely feeling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3
Hi, need some confidence and reassurance to get past this pain and lonely feeling
Short version - remet my HS boyfriend (from 30 years ago) last spring from one of his daughters on Facebook. We've been dating ever since. He was married 27 years and was divorced by his wife. I knew he drank when we re-met but I didn't know that he was an active alcoholic, had been in treatment for 30 days. He also now is addicted to pain pills and sleeping pills (he takes them randomly even during the day!). Not sure why I've let him in my life, I think because of our past history/from same area/ reminiscing/ his family all knows me....fast forward to one year later. He's a mess, emotionally, financially, he has adult kids and two treat him incredibly disrespectful. He has a new ailment every day and his needs are always front and center (i.e. I need to see you 2-3 times a week, I need this, I need that)...he tries to be sweet and is not mean when he's drunk however....he still is drunk. He has not drank when he's with me for about 3 or 4 months but then he goes home and buys a pint of whiskey on each night that I don't see it. We're in our 50's. I'm a professional woman with a demanding job. I know....doesn't make sense? I broke up with him yesterday and I need clearly to keep it that way. But although I made a list of why I can't continue in this relationship (and I've referred to it at least once an hour all day long) I'll miss the small amount of companionship he brought to me and I've fallen in love with his kids and grandkids but I know I MUST break ties with them and leave it all or I'll always struggle. Wow.....this wasn't the short version but I happened onto this site tonight....who knows why! thoughts anyone??? Thank you!! Empty feeling inside.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 29
I can't offer any advice because I'm trying to break it off with my alcoholic man too. It sounds to me like you have done the right thing. His "new ailment every day" is probably just some fabricated excuse to receive more pain pills. Breaking up is really painful. My heart goes out to you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You did the right thing lainy. You deserve peace.
You are mourning a loss, its OK to go through all the intense feelings... just don't get him back. This kind of toxic people will promise the world to lure you back. Don't fall for it.
It will get better. Who is your real life support? HUGS! keep reading/posting, this is a great place.
PS You might find this book useful: Melody Beattie's "Codependent no more"
You are mourning a loss, its OK to go through all the intense feelings... just don't get him back. This kind of toxic people will promise the world to lure you back. Don't fall for it.
It will get better. Who is your real life support? HUGS! keep reading/posting, this is a great place.
PS You might find this book useful: Melody Beattie's "Codependent no more"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
(((hugs))) and welcome to SR 
. I know I've been able to find a lot of great support here through what I darn well hope is the toughest time of my life. Kudos to you for recognizing that this is most certainly a problem, it will no doubt be a lot less painful to get everything straightened out now rather than further down the road.
This comes at a rather interesting time, because I just had a visit from my RA mom today. She dated her AH for about 7-8 months before they got married, and he always drank away from her. He knew she'd been raised by alcoholics, and at that point she was attempting to recover from her own alcoholism, so he never let her see the drinking except for beer. Mom was willing to accept beer, because normal people do drink beer. It wasn't until he got a DUI on the way out to visit her one day (we lived 30 miles away at the time) that she knew what was going on. She chose to marry him anyway. It was all downhill from there. Now he's in end-stage alcoholism, possibly even a step closer to the grave than my own AH (both A's are near the same age -- 51 and 53). She has left a couple of times and come back.
Now their house is in foreclosure for the second time in a year. The last time we spoke, she'd talked about cashing out her retirement fund and paying off her credit cards, and letting him feel the brunt of his own actions. The house payment was his bill...the only one he was responsible for, which accounted for less than half his pay...it had only his name on it, and it's where his kids grew up. Today she decided to go ahead and pay enough to get it out of foreclosure, but advised him that she was also taking enough money out to get herself her own place, as well as a divorce lawyer if need be. This is 10 years after their marriage.
I bring this up because your story sounds a lot like hers, except that it sounds like you're keeping your own health and needs in mind and, ultimately, his health too -- you can't accidentally enable if you're not there. The loss of companionship will no doubt hurt for a long time, but how much companionship would you have had if, say, you were living together and he was no longer on "best behavior"?
And no worries, no one is tied to the short version here
. I know I've been able to find a lot of great support here through what I darn well hope is the toughest time of my life. Kudos to you for recognizing that this is most certainly a problem, it will no doubt be a lot less painful to get everything straightened out now rather than further down the road.This comes at a rather interesting time, because I just had a visit from my RA mom today. She dated her AH for about 7-8 months before they got married, and he always drank away from her. He knew she'd been raised by alcoholics, and at that point she was attempting to recover from her own alcoholism, so he never let her see the drinking except for beer. Mom was willing to accept beer, because normal people do drink beer. It wasn't until he got a DUI on the way out to visit her one day (we lived 30 miles away at the time) that she knew what was going on. She chose to marry him anyway. It was all downhill from there. Now he's in end-stage alcoholism, possibly even a step closer to the grave than my own AH (both A's are near the same age -- 51 and 53). She has left a couple of times and come back.
Now their house is in foreclosure for the second time in a year. The last time we spoke, she'd talked about cashing out her retirement fund and paying off her credit cards, and letting him feel the brunt of his own actions. The house payment was his bill...the only one he was responsible for, which accounted for less than half his pay...it had only his name on it, and it's where his kids grew up. Today she decided to go ahead and pay enough to get it out of foreclosure, but advised him that she was also taking enough money out to get herself her own place, as well as a divorce lawyer if need be. This is 10 years after their marriage.
I bring this up because your story sounds a lot like hers, except that it sounds like you're keeping your own health and needs in mind and, ultimately, his health too -- you can't accidentally enable if you're not there. The loss of companionship will no doubt hurt for a long time, but how much companionship would you have had if, say, you were living together and he was no longer on "best behavior"?
And no worries, no one is tied to the short version here
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
PS you are not alone, you got yourself! and friends/family who love you, and now you got great online friends in SR... HP/God whatever is also with you, always.... you know when I felt my loneliest? when I was next to an alcoholic ex boyfriend.
I mourned many weeks and months but now I love life and prefer to be alone rather than spend time with people that are self destructive (in any way) and will bring me down. IT GETS MUCH BETTER! The sun DOES shine again.
One step at a time.
I mourned many weeks and months but now I love life and prefer to be alone rather than spend time with people that are self destructive (in any way) and will bring me down. IT GETS MUCH BETTER! The sun DOES shine again.
One step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Doing what is right for yourself is not always easy.
If it was no one would have any problems
It is natural after a break-up to mourn "what could have been" but remember what could have been in this situation is not something to mourn. It would only have gotten worse.
The fact that his adult children have no respect for him gives you an indication of his behavior for the past 20-something years. My guess is that you would also lose all your respect for him AND more importantly for yourself.
Many of us, including myself, have suffered some traumatic break-ups with our A's. It took me much longer to get "over" my ABF children than it did for me me to get over him alone. I loved the kids and they were great.
I think your idea of a list is great.
I posted this video on another thread a while ago and I used to watch it all the time to get through the break-up period in my life:
‪Madea gives relationship advice‬‏ - YouTube
this is the long version.
It made me smile through my tears. My many many tears.
If it was no one would have any problems
It is natural after a break-up to mourn "what could have been" but remember what could have been in this situation is not something to mourn. It would only have gotten worse.
The fact that his adult children have no respect for him gives you an indication of his behavior for the past 20-something years. My guess is that you would also lose all your respect for him AND more importantly for yourself.
Many of us, including myself, have suffered some traumatic break-ups with our A's. It took me much longer to get "over" my ABF children than it did for me me to get over him alone. I loved the kids and they were great.
I think your idea of a list is great.
I posted this video on another thread a while ago and I used to watch it all the time to get through the break-up period in my life:
‪Madea gives relationship advice‬‏ - YouTube
this is the long version.
It made me smile through my tears. My many many tears.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi lainy and welcome to SR.
As you have already seen there are a lot of good people with experience, strength and wisdom to share here.
One big thing you will see in this forum is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He will get better only when he is ready to get better. It is out of your control.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not please do. It is a great program that teaches you how to take care of yourself. I know it has been a life saver for me.
Continue to read and post here. You are not alone. We are all here because of the impact our A's have had on our lives and our need to reach out for help. We do understand.
Your friend,
As you have already seen there are a lot of good people with experience, strength and wisdom to share here.
One big thing you will see in this forum is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He will get better only when he is ready to get better. It is out of your control.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not please do. It is a great program that teaches you how to take care of yourself. I know it has been a life saver for me.
Continue to read and post here. You are not alone. We are all here because of the impact our A's have had on our lives and our need to reach out for help. We do understand.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Johnsburg, IL
Posts: 27
Lainy, I feel the emptiness daily of what you are describing, but it does get better. My therapist said yesterday I am mourning the loss of a dream, because I was misled into thinking I was getting into a great relationship with someone who hid the fact as well they were actively drinking and taking Oxy and Xanax, and smoking pot. Why would I think such things being in my 50's as you, and not having been exposed to this before? Yes, the signs were there, but I had no idea until I was completely involved and had to make the break. I am in the process of finding out what it is about this man that I miss, when I am realizing he was like The Wizard of Oz, all phony until I had to figure it out on my own. Such a high tolerance level made it difficult to identify, and he has highly successful children that want nothing to do with him either
Keep reading here and attend AlAnon; we all need each other..
Keep reading here and attend AlAnon; we all need each other..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3
WOW! You guys are amazing!
What a great forum! I'm so glad I found you...or maybe you found me. I LOVE the 3 C's...I'm going to watch the video tonight and I absolutely sincerely love the support. I agree with your therapist Groomer1, it was a dream...it could never be real. I've never felt this support before!! 
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3
Thank you for the video! Just what I needed!!
Originally Posted by gowest 
Doing what is right for yourself is not always easy.
If it was no one would have any problems
It is natural after a break-up to mourn "what could have been" but remember what could have been in this situation is not something to mourn. It would only have gotten worse.
The fact that his adult children have no respect for him gives you an indication of his behavior for the past 20-something years. My guess is that you would also lose all your respect for him AND more importantly for yourself.
Many of us, including myself, have suffered some traumatic break-ups with our A's. It took me much longer to get "over" my ABF children than it did for me me to get over him alone. I loved the kids and they were great.
I think your idea of a list is great.
I posted this video on another thread a while ago and I used to watch it all the time to get through the break-up period in my life:
this is the long version.
It made me smile through my tears. My many many tears.
If it was no one would have any problems
It is natural after a break-up to mourn "what could have been" but remember what could have been in this situation is not something to mourn. It would only have gotten worse.
The fact that his adult children have no respect for him gives you an indication of his behavior for the past 20-something years. My guess is that you would also lose all your respect for him AND more importantly for yourself.
Many of us, including myself, have suffered some traumatic break-ups with our A's. It took me much longer to get "over" my ABF children than it did for me me to get over him alone. I loved the kids and they were great.
I think your idea of a list is great.
I posted this video on another thread a while ago and I used to watch it all the time to get through the break-up period in my life:
this is the long version.
It made me smile through my tears. My many many tears.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by lainy
LOVED the video!! Thank you so much!!! Just what I needed.... :-)
I wish I could remember who first posted it, I think it was here years ago.
I found that the video medium really helped when I was having obsessive thinking. The laughter helps too!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central WI
Posts: 8
I would advise an honest discussion with him and make very clear your intentions. That way he will have the option of choice. Not that he doesn't have choice already but it will show him how the choices he actively makes now are affecting you.
With every choice comes the burden of consequence. Once we begin to look at the latter part of that statement do we truly begin to grow..
With every choice comes the burden of consequence. Once we begin to look at the latter part of that statement do we truly begin to grow..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by JobiWanKenobi
I would advise an honest discussion with him and make very clear your intentions. That way he will have the option of choice. Not that he doesn't have choice already but it will show him how the choices he actively makes now are affecting you.
If this were true we would all be able to "talk" the alcoholism out of our partners/children/friends.
As far as I know this doesn't work. Actions seems to speak louder than words and codies tend to talk until they are blue in the face without results except to feel frustrated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 37
Hi Lainy. Our stories are similar. I am in the process of breaking it off with my ABF right now too and it is very hard. He is a total loser, and I am not; but I still love him. Why? Who knows? But I do know that my life will be much, much worse the longer I stay in this relationship (it's been 1.5 years). It's better the cut it off now. By the way, I have broken up with and taken him back so many times I can't even count. I am sticking to strict no-contact (NC, you will see it written here) and it makes it easier. I also have started attending alanon meetings. Take care and welcome to the forum!
Peace.
Maureen
Peace.
Maureen
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