MTSlideAddict

I discovered this forum after searching the internet for some support in coping with my alcoholic husband. I was astonished by the number viewers going through similar situations as my own. I was hoping to possibly share my experiences and maybe someone can help shed some light on my situation.

I guess I am going to start with a bit of history. I met my husband when I was young. I moved in with him when I was eighteen and him nineteen. We began a party stage when he was twenty-one. We would drink heavy together, but also had people over for socializing. He proposed when I was twenty-two, and to prepare for the upcoming wedding I took on two jobs and enrolled in internet classes. Due to our busy schedules, we had to plan dates to spend together. I noticed shortly after that he started staying out late, coming home drunk, and cancelling plans.

I left the house and stayed at my parents after he cancelled so many dates. I moved back home, and was overloaded with terror. He would call me names, tell me to “shut-up” constantly, and stayed out all hours of the night with no contact from him. It was horrible. He hid alcohol from me, missed work on occasions due to hangovers, and went to the bar on a regular basis. There would be a lot of arguments with verbal, sometimes physical, abuse. After months of this torture I left again.

He begged me to come home, and explained that he will make it right. He admitted he had a drinking problem, and went to AA. He straightened up the house, switched jobs, and was really trying. I ended up going home. It was great for a while, despite some minor hiccups with alcohol. He didn’t like AA and decided to stop drinking liquor, but continued to drink beer and wine. I didn’t really understand about the disease at that time, so I figured this was okay. We would drink wine every night. At twenty-five he asked me again to marry him. I said “yes,” and married when I was twenty-six and him twenty-seven. It was a lovely wedding.

Shortly after, I discovered him drinking excessively again. I would come home to anger and verbal abuse. He eventually asked for help. I contacted his dad and we took him to the hospital for detox. He came out in good spirits wanting the sober life. He went back to AA and got a sponsor. It was looking on the bright side. We had our old life back; It was wonderful. He was sober for eight months.

Now, it started again. It has been even worse now. He is missing work three days at a time, and its getting closer and closer together. He is asking for help, but always seems to pick up the bottle after sobriety of two days. The negativity came back with it. I leave the house to get away sometimes, and the house gets neglected. I can’t take it anymore. When do I call it quits? I feel so stuck. I have his family involved and we want to help him, but are so confused as to what to do. I am so tired of dealing with this. I am balancing the bills, taking care of the pets needs, and going to work. I don’t feel like I have a place to go after work that is the relaxing atmosphere I crave. He has made an appointment to see a counselor to help, but that would be a few days, and then what? He came out of the hospital again to detox, but picked up the alcohol the next day. I am so stuck. Any insight out there?

Ladybug0130

All I can offer is my own experience. I was in a similar situation, I recently filed for divorce, moved, decided to go no contact with the AH, and for me it was truly the best decision. I feel much less crazy now.

LifeRecovery

Posting here is a great start.

For me starting Al-Anon really helped. This allowed me to get the support I so desperately needed.

Others with more experience will be along soon.

marie1960

There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. He is in charge of his recovery. You can only make good healthy decisions for yourself. Wish you lots of strength in choosing the right things for YOU.

Sorry to hear what you have been living. Living with an alcoholic is pure hell. Please know you are not alone. Keep posting we are here for you.

Read these message boards there is so much information and comfort to be found. Wish I had a magic wand to make it better. I chose to end a relationship with an alcoholic. If you allow it they will suck the life right out of you.

MTSlideAddict

Thank you for some quick responses. I think I would like to move on, but the idea of a long court proceedings, division of assets, selling the house, etc all scare me. What do we do with the pets meanwhile? We would have a battle as to who keeps the dog; he really loves our dog as do I. If we sell our house prior to the three years after closing we will have to pay back the government their $8,000 they gave us as a tax credit. It just seems like such a mess. I know I am probably dwelling on such minute issues compared to the big picture, but it is just so overwhelming.

A little bit of an update: My AH was really down and upset at himself for not sticking through the withdrawal process and drinking again today. I was worried about him, because he was so depressed and actually stated that if anyone back stabs him that he might just kill himself. Not really sure what he meant by that, but he was extremely discouraged by not being able to get immediate help. He never spoke so seriously about suicide before, so this worried me. Shortly after creating this thread from my work computer, I had headed home. On the way home, I called his dad and let him know what he had said, and that it worried me. I then called the police station to see what the options were regarding possible suicide attempts. Well sure enough, I get home to see his step brother there (who had just happened to think to come tonight for some reason thank God), and apparently he had tried taking a knife to his wrist. He didn't really break skin, but made some scratches to his wrist. We took him to the hospital. Hopefully now, the hospital can get him into something instead of just sending him home again. We think this may have been more of an attempt to get help than actual suicide, since the marks weren't deep at all. He said in his drunkened state at the hospital that the knife was too dull and that he had been sawing at his wrist unsuccessfully, but also then was talking about how he doesn't want to lose the house or his job. Not to sure as to what it was, but nevertheless is serious. After speaking to the social worker, he is on suicide watch awaiting a bed in the psychiatric ward. Then hopefully rehab, as he said he wanted.

I sure hope he gets the help he needs. I guess we will see. It still puts me in a strain, but I don't think it would be right to leave someone in that state. I feel a bit selfish, but I keep thinking of what if he gets help and becomes sober then relapses again. What then? I start over with it. I just hate having so many unknowns for the future. I am twenty-nine now, and wanted a family for awhile now. I can't have it, because there is no stability. I do love him dearly, but I wanted a different life from this. This is all so confusing.

Eight Ball

Hi MTSlide and welcome,

Firstly I want to say that I really feel for you in your current situation and felt compelled to respond to your thread.

Can I ask if you are currently receiving help through a therapist because if not, I would highly recommend it to you. It sounds like you really need an independent party to discuss the very hard time that you are going through, in the hope of making some very sound decisions for yourself and your own well-being.

I cant imagine what it would feel like to feel 'trapped' in a alcoholic marriage because of threats of suicide I was trapped in an alcoholic marriage for lots of reasons but not that one - thankfully.

My gut reaction is to say that there could never be a right time to leave. What if he threatens suicide every time you consider leaving in the future? But I can totally understand how traumatic that could be for you which is why I am suggesting you try to see a good therapist.

There is no reason why you have to leave this minute and you could just begin by making plans to leave and working out a time that would cause the most minimal impact for both of you.

I know whats it like to keep questioning yourself and my head in the past has felt like giant spaghetti of data transfer with what ifs, should I, could I etc. My therapist helped me deal with this.

It took 18 months of therapy, SR and Al-anon for me to leave my verbally abusive, AH of 23yrs but I sit now in my own rental property, surrounded by nice things and a head that feels pretty clear most of the time. It is pretty close to the serenity that we all seek here on SR.

I hope that your AH gets the help that he needs too but I hope that you do too. You are in just as much need. We need to look after ourselves - we are important, we deserve a happy life! As my friend tells me - we only live once, so make the most of your precious life.

gowest

I've had two family members commit suicide.

Very different situations, ages, reasons and those two people were not related to each other.

I have come to terms with the fact that the same way an alcoholic can not get sober for any one else but themselves, people can also not "stay alive" for any one else but them selves.

Many alcoholics threaten suicide as a manipulation tool to get what they want. I'm not saying that is what is happening in your life, but be aware that it is a common situation.

I am sorry you feel so stuck.
i have gone through a messy divorce/separation but believe me losing assets was better than living the way I was for so long.

Just4me

I'm so sorry for your situation. I can relate to your situation on many levels.

I'll be 31 this month, and instead of being married, I am engaged to my alcoholic. Mine also suffers from depression, as well as severe anxiety. Just a few weeks ago while my fiance was drunk he begged me to kill him. He does have a prior attempt from about 7 years ago and did spend time in a psych facility on a 51/50. Needless to say I've hidden the gun we keep in our home, and the bullets as well, in 2 different locations.

I too struggle with so many of the same thoughts. I wanted to be settled down and starting a family, but I too know it's not a good environment for a child. It's SO hard. I understand how much you care for him, love him, want him safe, sober, and happy. It's a hard for us to deal with watching them battle their addiction. Mine tells me he wants to be sober, then the next day he will buy alcohol. He doesn't always drink it, but he buys it and hides it.

I can't really give you much advice. I know the hardest part for me is listening to my head telling me to leave when my heart wants to stay. If he were sober evertyhing would be perfect. But he's not. I'm in the process of moving out, getting my own "alcohol free" space. I'm not breaking up with him, just getting some space. If he really wants to be sober, he will. If we are suppose to be together then that will happen too. This is my head talking mind you!!

My point is, you're not alone. There are many more of us in similar situations as you. An alcoholic only gets help when they want to and when they hit rock bottom. Someone else stated that we have to hit rock bottom too before we can leave the situation. For me I had to know that I tried EVERY option and nothing worked. It doesn't change how I feel about him, it doesn't change how much I love him, just that I can't watch him drink himself to death (for my own sanity)!

Good luck to you. Vent your frustrations here. We are listening

MyGirlGracie

MTSlide... I relate to your pain. Feeling stuck is no way to live. This is my first forum post and I understand many will recommend Alanon meetings. I am planning to look into that (I live in a rural area so this may be difficult) and maybe that is what you need as well. I don't have any real advice other than to say that you are not alone... I too am living with an A who says she wants help and wants to quit, but hasn't (to date) tried. She has been unemployed for 7 of our 8 years together and is now developing health issues directly related to drinking. I am at a loss as well... how do you support someone you love and protect yourself in the process? I am thinking about you and hoping for a good outcome.

MTSlideAddict

MyGirlGracie I really am glad you posted on this thread. Thank you for your thoughts and your wishes, and that goes to everyone here as well. It is a hard thing to deal with on a daily basis. My AH is still in the psychology ward at the hospital. He is there voluntarily, and going through a detox session, while also attending meetings. He hates it there because they took all the comforts away that he is used to, such as TV in the room, drawstrings on their pants, and blinds in their room. He said that the meetings are helpful though. He has been speaking to a psychologist, and it has made him feel better. After that, the plan is either outpatient or inpatient rehab. He is leaning more toward the outpatient treatment, even thought the family is wishing inpatient, but its up to him to decide. I hope he sticks with some sort of program. He is on the right track. Today, I dropped off some more clothes and wrote him a note with a collage of pictures of our dog and us together happy as a surprise. I hope he liked it; the note said something like, "we are proud of you and love you very much," or something mushy like that.

I still haven't sought out Al-Anon, but plan to go to this Friday's meeting. They do have some podcasts on their website, which I like to listen to. Throughout this I was going so crazy. I had started to blog my situation at alcoholicspouse-mtslideaddict.blogspot.com, there weren't any followers, but it helped me cope and vent. When I write it out I think about the experiences and how it affects me. I encourage everyone to write it out, because its hard to keep it all inside. I come here for support, which has been wonderful. I still have to figure out myself and sort out those thoughts, but for the moment I can breath.