skippernlilg

I was only talking about our situation. My son would not be safe in that situation. Lots of people come here not knowing that the option I chose is even an option.

transformyself

I understand. You must not have read my other posts, where I talked about going no contact (NC) with my dad for years at a time. NC is an option that I utilize when appropriate.

My comment was to circumvent what I've seen happen often-a thread cycles into hysteria, with folks who are triggered by the possibility of children being exposed to A behavior. Doesn't matter what the OP says, they still freak out. I understand triggers all right, but don't have the patience for it today.

skippernlilg

I did see that you've done NC before.

I guess that's always an option to revisit for you when you're feeling off kilter.

I hope it gets better for you soon!

TakingCharge999

What happens next, are you going NC?

I am still NC with my father. I tend to believe more and more in the concept of "spiritual family". At these times I no longer have patience for toxic people anymore, regardless of who they are or "how our relationship should be like" . I am often tempted to drop one-liners like yours, especially as I shut up so many times before. Pendulum syndrome.

In the end that approach does me no good either. So, I prefer silence.
Just venting.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, YAY you made it

coolidge

I have had no contact with my father since 1997. It was both of our choices really. He was never abusive in any way. We made attempts to fit into each others' lives many times and in the latter instances only for the benefit of the grand children. He could not foster a relationship with any of them or myself. It was awkwardly forced. The interest just was non-existent. The kids nor myself were able to identify or relate to a man who would give nothing of himself. It did not work. He has always been an emotionally distant man and I always very independent. We weren't able to bond with him either as there was nothing to base it on from when I was a child. There was NO bond. You had a base of verbal and emotional abuse transformyself, which is A bond and not one you would have chosen. Point is, I'm almost glad mine worked out the way it did. Was easiest on all parties involved. I suppose I've grieved his loss while still living. He will always be my Dad. We still love each other.

Learn2Live

I avoid and eliminate from my life ALL people who terrify me and/or who are d*cks.

TakingCharge999

Well said L2L,

Stress-related accidents and health sequels that have lasted a year and will probably last more than that, have taught me there is stress in life, then there is stress that is entirely optional.

The toll (physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.. and precious time of my life) is too high.

transformyself

I drove home 10 hours yesterday with the kids. They have such a different reaction to my dad, it's awesome. While I am triggered by his hostility, meaning I become enraged and terrified, they look at it more as an oddity, a bizarre acting out that has little to do with them. I think they dont' take it personally.

My son who was degraded for his long hair said it doesnt' matter what papa says to him because "papa always finds things to be mad about that don't make sense." Like water on the floor, or his hair.

When I tried to talk to him further, he said "Mom! You and Aunt D. both told Papa to not be disrespectful. I know it's not my fault!"

So now I"m doing what I need to do and looking at myself. It's hard to tell quite yet, but so far it looks like I have a different reaction than the rest of my family. No one else seems to have the severe emotional reaction that I do, they speak up right away and create a clear boundary with dad, and he respects it. It's not ideal, because they have to check him, but over the years, he's actually gotten, in many ways, better than he was when I went NC.

Anyways, my reaction, I think, may account for the different relationship they have with him. My goal is to not be emotionally triggered so I can make better choices.

This has been a real issue for me, all of my life, that dad doesn't treat the other sibs like he does me. Now I can see the obvious: we teach people how to treat us. And my way of dealing with him has always been to freak out badly. Rage, scream, ignore. Nothing healthy. My sisters and brother speak up right away and he stops and changes the way he deals with them. I freak out and go to the bathroom and cry and run to the internet and post how freaked out I am. Not exactly the healthiest way to deal with a bully.

In fact, the healthiest thing I did was go NC with him. But I still did it with a fair amount of insanity. Raging, roaring.

I'm just trying to sort it all out. I like the approach we used, which is to draw a boundary right away.

I do need to say that statements like this
for whatever reason, make me feel pretty bad about myself. Your intention may be different, but I've always felt this way about these type of flippant statements-that there must be something wrong with me or the OP who is trying to sort out better boundaries. To me it's the same as posting, "I went to graduate school and got a degree so I could support myself," when someone is struggling with a low paying job and no money. Same attitude.

I see it everywhere here-and it's increasingly more difficult for me to handle. It feels like a real slap to the OP, done without kindness or thoughtfulness when they're struggling. I mean, it's easy to look at that statement and say "whats' wrong with me? why don't I eliminate ALL people from my life who are dicks or terrify me? Why didn't I go to graduate school to get a better paying job?!?"

I feel these statements are made with the intimation that if the OP were further along in their recovery, they would also do something this essential, this simple. It also reads with an air of superiority, even if that's unintended.

I've received so many PM's from folks who never post, because of the dog-pile mentality of this place, thanking me for posting honestly, for standing up for myself. They know they'll be ridiculed if they post honestly, and dont' want to be targeted, even if it's done from a first person viewpoint.

Of course, we have endless discussions here about what is "mean" and what is simple truth speaking.

So, I'll take what I want and leave the rest.

Learn2Live

Wow Transform, I know you're stressed out but really? You need to take that out on me? When I very rarely come on here anymore because I don't have a lot of spare time, but came to share an article I found that I thought might be helpful to someone, and when I did, saw that YOU had posted something, and took the time to read your post and reply BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, AND THEN, today during lunch I have come back here to check to see how you are doing, and this is how you react? I posted what I posted in order that, just in case it might be useful to you at this time, or perhaps some time down the road, it might help. It was ONE sentence and you chose to interpret it the way YOU think, NOT the way I think.

I have sent you lots of PMs over the years to try to get to know you a little better, I have shared my PHOTO with you, I have sent you funny emails to your ***** account, with NO RESPONSE from your end, and you accuse me of feeling or thinking I am superior to you and others on this forum? Then you attack what I have shared about myself and how I GOT OUT of the sickness of my childhood and half my adulthood so that I don't EVER have to live with another alcoholic or drug addict?

What else can I say other than, WOW, really? How much more does a person have to do to get you to accept what they have to offer?

gerryP

When I read a statement such as "I avoid and eliminate from my life all people who terrify me or are d*cks" It is telling me the solution the OP found and executes. The way another member interprets a comment rests solely on them. Isn't this comment by the OP considered sharing her ESH? FWIW, I think so.

gerryP

I don't expect for you to take what I am about to say as well meaning Transform, but when I fell attacked or sensitive about something that has been said to me (anywhere) I step back and ask myself why do I feel attacked, what was said that has made me feel this way? Most of the time I realize that the problem lies within me and I need to work on ME in some area.

transformyself

No Gerry I totally get that it's my issue. I was hoping folks could actually hear what I"m saying. And I"m not stressed out, this is an issue I always have here. I have just as much right to express my frustration as any one else.

And L2L you didn't say this to me
which is more helpful, to say this is how I got out of the sickness of my childhood. For people who are already there, who have already worked through their issues of childhood and found that miracle of creating a better boundary, saying, "I no longer do this," isn't helpful (at least to me right now) because it just says, "I don't do this." There is no instruction on HOW just WHAT to do.

I'm trying to help folks understand how some statements come across to people who are struggling.

And I never got jokes in my ***** account, maybe it went to spam.

Learn2Live

Transform,
I don't know how else to say the things I want to say. You have NO IDEA how much work it is for me to word things so that I personally do not pi$$ others off. But I have learned, and I know you are NOT going to believe me, that it is UP TO ME how I interpret what others are saying to me. It is NOT the other person's responsibility to walk on eggshells every time they want to post.

I have to constantly tell myself to assume THE BEST POSSIBLE MOTIVATIONS IN OTHERS. You have been trying to get your point across to people here on "how to write posts" that don't pi$$ you off and it is not working. I believe that is because most people here do not INTEND to hurt anyone else, or be mean, or nasty, or act superior. You want other people to change without accepting responsibility for how you see and interpret things. It doesn't make for nice conversation with you. If I felt superior to you, or didn't care about you, I wouldn't even effing respond.

And about your dad? I had a very difficult time with my dad too. But eventually I learned he is NOT going to change, so I can take what I like about him and leave the rest.

Freedom1990

So do I. This doesn't mean I am superior or further ahead than anyone else who chooses to handle it differently in case you also interpret my method as such, Transform.

I like to keep things simple and really this is about as simple as it gets-eliminate them entirely.

Our experiences don't have to involve paragraphs ad infinitum. Sometimes it really is just one sentence.

transformyself

Yes, sometimes it is I totally agree. However, this "eliminate them entirely," part is what the folks who PM me struggle with too.

I feel this conversation is over. I said what I needed to say and all though I felt I was being careful to say it, well carefully, of course there are hurt feelings.


Most of the PM's I get from are from people who are afraid to be honest about their situation for fear of the "eliminate them entirely," folks.

LaTeeDa

So, your kids and your sibs don't overreact to your dad because they don't take him personally? But, you do, and you see that?

And someone posts their experience and what they do in such a situation and it offends you (and some "PM people")?

I'm seeing a common thread here..........

L