Needing support today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Needing support today
Hello,
I am looking for hugs and support today.
yesterday I had to make a very painful decision to not allow my 11 yr old son to see or be around his A father. His fathers behavior has become typical active Alcoholic behavior, that its causing my son harm.
His not showing up for his custody day, leaving town every few weeks unexpectedly, being emotionally unavailable, among many other things is affecting us all (including not taking him to his Alateen meetings on his days with him). My poor son has obsessive compulsive disorder to begin with and he is having more thought obsessions lately, getting poor grades and his anger is increasing. He is such a lovely, wonderfully thoughtful boy, and my heart is breaking at this decision. I had to weigh the lesser of the two evils,,,,seeing his father bail out on him and him suffering those consequences, or NOT seeing him and suffering from that.
My sons therapist and I, along with my son met to discuss this. We agreed to limit it to 3 weeks and then reevaluate things. He is angry at me for my decision and doesnt understand. How could he possibly? he is only a child,,,thank god the doctor helped us go through it. It was so painful.
The disease is so intense in our home now, that I feel its a plague hovering over us. This has not been the case for the last 4 years as the A was sober,,now, i dont know if he's drinking or not, only know his behavior is so 180 degrees opposite of what it was just a few months ago.
My ex husband had become a good person in recovery, and its breaking my up to see him this way. He is like a stranger. I have been in recovery for years, but this has blown me out of the water. I am working very hard to accept that he is who he is now, and not the man he was. How painful it is to have "lost" him to the disease. I struggle to not hate him, just to hate his disease.
Please offer your prayers to us today. I am practicing gratitude today for the things I have, NOT the things I dont have but its not easy. Im managing to live in this 24 hours and not fear the unknown future.
Thank you for your love and support!!
I am looking for hugs and support today.
yesterday I had to make a very painful decision to not allow my 11 yr old son to see or be around his A father. His fathers behavior has become typical active Alcoholic behavior, that its causing my son harm.
His not showing up for his custody day, leaving town every few weeks unexpectedly, being emotionally unavailable, among many other things is affecting us all (including not taking him to his Alateen meetings on his days with him). My poor son has obsessive compulsive disorder to begin with and he is having more thought obsessions lately, getting poor grades and his anger is increasing. He is such a lovely, wonderfully thoughtful boy, and my heart is breaking at this decision. I had to weigh the lesser of the two evils,,,,seeing his father bail out on him and him suffering those consequences, or NOT seeing him and suffering from that.
My sons therapist and I, along with my son met to discuss this. We agreed to limit it to 3 weeks and then reevaluate things. He is angry at me for my decision and doesnt understand. How could he possibly? he is only a child,,,thank god the doctor helped us go through it. It was so painful.
The disease is so intense in our home now, that I feel its a plague hovering over us. This has not been the case for the last 4 years as the A was sober,,now, i dont know if he's drinking or not, only know his behavior is so 180 degrees opposite of what it was just a few months ago.
My ex husband had become a good person in recovery, and its breaking my up to see him this way. He is like a stranger. I have been in recovery for years, but this has blown me out of the water. I am working very hard to accept that he is who he is now, and not the man he was. How painful it is to have "lost" him to the disease. I struggle to not hate him, just to hate his disease.
Please offer your prayers to us today. I am practicing gratitude today for the things I have, NOT the things I dont have but its not easy. Im managing to live in this 24 hours and not fear the unknown future.
Thank you for your love and support!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
Gratitude fits all situations. So does recovery posts such as yours.
I always am reminded that praying is an action I can take. I can't change another person. I can pray.
Your son will one day be very impressed that his mother took good care of him. My son is grown now, but he loves to tell about how I insisted on his well being and would not put him into danger with his biological father.
Come to think of it....I'm impressed myself!
Take care of you.... Don't give too much room in your head to your husband. He's making his choices and is a grown man who can also deal with the consequences.
I always am reminded that praying is an action I can take. I can't change another person. I can pray.
Your son will one day be very impressed that his mother took good care of him. My son is grown now, but he loves to tell about how I insisted on his well being and would not put him into danger with his biological father.
Come to think of it....I'm impressed myself!
Take care of you.... Don't give too much room in your head to your husband. He's making his choices and is a grown man who can also deal with the consequences.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Offering you my prayers and hugs. Your son will understand when he is old enough. Keep looking towards those positive aspects in your life and take real good care of yourself each and everyday, you will also be teaching your son how to be a good person.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Christina
I've been in your shoes, and I know how hard this is. Around this time last year, Spicoli was going to hell in a handbasket. He was missing his time with our son (also 11) and it was obvious to me that his drinking was spiralling out of control. I had to tell Spicoli that he couldn't have anymore time alone with the boy, because I was terrified that he would get drunk while he had him and do something disasterous.
Then Spicoli did a week-long stint in rehab. It didn't work. By January, his drinking was out of control again. He hit bottom when his roommate found him passed out in the snow in ten-degree weather. If his roommate hadn't come home that night, Spicoli would be dead right now. All that prompted Spicoli to go into long-term rehab. My son didn't see his father for almost two months. That was very hard on my boy, and it made him very sad. But this story has a happy ending. Spicoli has been sober for almost a year now. He's finally gotten serious about working a program. He goes to at least three meetings a week and he has a sponsor. He is a much happier and healthier person. He has lots of good time with our son now.
One day at a time, things got better for my family. I hope they get better for yours too.
Hugs to you. I will say a prayer for you, your son and your husband.
Peace,
Gabe
Then Spicoli did a week-long stint in rehab. It didn't work. By January, his drinking was out of control again. He hit bottom when his roommate found him passed out in the snow in ten-degree weather. If his roommate hadn't come home that night, Spicoli would be dead right now. All that prompted Spicoli to go into long-term rehab. My son didn't see his father for almost two months. That was very hard on my boy, and it made him very sad. But this story has a happy ending. Spicoli has been sober for almost a year now. He's finally gotten serious about working a program. He goes to at least three meetings a week and he has a sponsor. He is a much happier and healthier person. He has lots of good time with our son now.
One day at a time, things got better for my family. I hope they get better for yours too.
Hugs to you. I will say a prayer for you, your son and your husband.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
With Gratitude!!
Thanks to you all for your supportive words and hugs. Its been a hard day. I practiced tons of gratitude even when I didnt feel like it.
At dinner with my al-anon sponsee tonight tonight, she asked the guests to write on a piece of paper things we were grateful for and would have another person read it. A man read one that said "Im grateful for my Mom". Since my son was the only child there, and it was written in that 11 year old hand writing, I knew it was from him. How lucky am I??? All day long I was so worried about being a rotten Mom, taking away his father. Man, my higher power takes care of me.
I just returned from a meeting where it was just my sponsor and I....so I cried and cried and asked for guidance. He was wonderful and tho he doesnt offer advice, he offers sanity! Just what I needed.
I felt so much relieved when I left. I wish for others to experience the benefits of this program. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
With love,
At dinner with my al-anon sponsee tonight tonight, she asked the guests to write on a piece of paper things we were grateful for and would have another person read it. A man read one that said "Im grateful for my Mom". Since my son was the only child there, and it was written in that 11 year old hand writing, I knew it was from him. How lucky am I??? All day long I was so worried about being a rotten Mom, taking away his father. Man, my higher power takes care of me.
I just returned from a meeting where it was just my sponsor and I....so I cried and cried and asked for guidance. He was wonderful and tho he doesnt offer advice, he offers sanity! Just what I needed.
I felt so much relieved when I left. I wish for others to experience the benefits of this program. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
With love,
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