limbogal

HI all. I am new here and am so glad i found this site. It has really opened my eyes to alcholism and its effects on people. My story: I have lived with my abf for about three years now. When we met he was drinking but it has gotten pregressively worse and now am at my wit's end. He drinks every day, bout a fifth of whiskey or vodka plus beer. Not to mention the fact that his relative now moved in and has no job (neither does abf) so all they do all day is drink, pass out, smoke pot, wake up and do it all over again. He lost his mom a few years ago and doesn't speak to his dad and this to me is his 'crutch' as its what he claims makes him drink. Now he's verbally abusive to me, has hit me several times, hard enough to leave bruises for a few weeks and slapped me hard enough to where I saw stars, pushed, n the names he has called me I cant even repeat. I love him but now am scared of him more than anything. He has recently resorted to throwing me out whenever he has too much to drink and he decides I havent done something to his satisfaction, he will tell me to get my son and get out. Everything is my fault, he doesnt help with the bills, am doing all on my own and I'm just fed up with the whole situation. I love him and dont want to give up on him but what choice do I have? I'm sad all the time and so many nights I find myself crying over the littlest things. He claims he wants to go to rehab and even made an appt with his doctor but I dont know if he's going to follow thru with it. I dont remember the last time he was sober, not even for a day. Its gotten so bad that now he drinks with milk because he gets bad heartburn from the alcohol but he won't quit. Do I stay or should I leave? The rational part of me wants to leave but I don't know where to start. When I found this forum one of the first threads I read was things normies dont do and I couldn't believe how much my life was not normal. I cant go anywhere without him calling me multiple times asking where I am and I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I feel bad for my son and the choices I have made and how they affect him. Our home is full of yelling and noise. I can't have friends over because am embarassed of how he acts when he's drunk. I need help. I'm so confused I dont know what to do. Do I leave him? Thanks for listening.

OnMyWay11

I don't think I have the right to say if you should stay or leave, but read your words again. If your daughter or best friend were saying those words, what would you tell them?

If he is hitting you, why are you staying to be the punching bag?

laurie6781

Here is a place to start:

Domestic Violence Organizations < San Francisco Bay Area in the *****! Directory

Check them all out.

You and your child are in a very volatile situation!!!!! It is time to protect you and your child.

The decision to 'leave forever' does not need to be made today. The decision to get yourself and your child into a better situation is today.

None of us can tell you to 'leave or stay.' However I will say that it is okay to 'take a break' and get some distance between the 2 of you. And while 'away' get some counseling (many DV shelters will provide that) and attend some Alanon meetings, to get some face to face support from folks who have been where you are now, and can give you some guidelines to work on yourself to see 'what you actually do want to do' for you and your child.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave. cry, scream, and yes even laugh. Ask questions. We are here for you, and we will walk with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Tally

Oh honey, what he is doing to you and your child is abuse.

Think long and hard now...read what you wrote to us again. What exactly do you love about this man? Is he kind and gentle? Loving? Loyal? Secure? Does he provide? Does he value you? Appreciate you?

It really sounds to me like he is using you not only as a physical punch bag but an emotional one too.

You are not financially dependent on him...please get away from him as quickly as you can, for both your sake and that of your child.

You need to ask yourself why you are taking this behaviour? It is not normal and it is not right.

I was in a similar situation myself for 8 years. Not so much violence, although there was a little, but the name calling, put downs, ridicule, living off my money, doing nothing around the house, drunk all the time...it's such a horrible, unnatural way to live but because we put up with it for so long, it starts to become normal and we adapt and forget what it's like to be treated with kindness.

Watch this youtube video, it really spoke to me.
&#x202a;Madea - let folks go&#x202c;&rlm; - YouTube

What you need is a plan. You don't need to tell him anything. Start looking for an apartment, read here and educate yourself about addiction. He won't change because you want him to, you can't make him stop, you can't save him but you can save yourself.

wellnowwhat

I feel your anguish. I think if he's hurting you, you should take yourself and your child out of this situation, at least for now. Find the help that has been mentioned above. After some time to learn and think and get advice, maybe the question should be "will I ever go back?"

Please stay safe.

limbogal

Wow...Thanks all for your kind words and really home -hitting comments. I know now that am a codie...if it wasnt for me working he wouldnt have any money to spend on drinking (well except for his unemployment check). @ Tally...I made a list the other day of all the good things about him and all the bad and the bad far outweighs the good. I guess I needed someone else to say it to me for it to really hit home. Plus I have my son to take care of and he is my first priority and no one else (even though sadly I had kinda forgotten that while putting abf's needs first). I wanna be happy again. I'm so tired of crying all the time n just wanting to be away from home. I dread the end of my workday because of what I will find @ home. Deep in my heart i know i should go. I can do this. Finding SR was the best thing that happened to me because it validated that am not crazy just coz he makes everything wrong in his life out to be my fault. Thanks Laurie for the links. Funny thing is I have 2 DV shelter numbers programmed in my fone just incase. Just never thot I would end up this way. Thanks all for your support and advice. I will keep ya'll posted. Love to all.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This is one of the permanent posts that helped me while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I do recommend calling the DV number and sharing what you have shared with us. They will point you to resources to help you and your child.

One of the reasons I left my alcoholic was I realized what type of role model I was setting up for my children (male and female).
I did not want my son to treat women the way I was being treated (disrespectful) and I did not want my daughters to accept the unacceptable behaviors I was accepting from my life partner.

I followed the steps in the above link to start taking better care of myself and my children.

We are here to support you.

You are not alone!

Serenity8

I suggest a Domestic Violence outreach hotline or shelter. Just to get some perspective. Sometimes when you're so beaten down you don't even realize you've been abused. Please keep posting and keep us posted, you are not alone!!

limbogal

HI All, So I took stock of my life the last few days. The abf still in residence and still drinking. I had a heart to heart with him and told him in NO uncertain terms will I allow him to treat me this way and that he has to get help. So shock and disbelief he hasn't said one bad or mean thing to me since (its been a few days) even though he is still drinking every day. I have visited the 12 steps part of SR and I am now working the steps. Part of my decision to stick it out was made after seeing the 12 steps and Step One really spoke to me and I'm working on it now. I cannot change him but I can change me. Unfortunately since I met him I renewed my affair with weed but am happy to say I am on day 8 clean!! Soo proud of myself I could just scream. I am going to my first Al-anon meeting Thursday and also an NA meeting. I'm diving headfirst into this because I can do better and deserve better. If he chooses not to take rehab (although that would be really dumb coz its 100% covered by my health ins) that's HIS problem and not mine. I refuse to wallow in self pity anymore and now I know that CAN'T save him, thats not my purpose for being here. I just don't engage him anymore. No crying, yelling, begging orp pleading here. I feel sooo free!!! I have also started having payroll deposits to a diff account (my own that abf knows nothing about) just in case. I'm still a codie but now I have an out plan if I need one. I know he's sick but hell am sick too I'm just too ready to not live this way and he's not so tough ****. I told him that I love him but since he chooses to slowly kill himself thats his choice to make and I wouldn't make excuses for him any more. Neither am I spending MY money buying him liquor. SR! U guys r amazing! I found my backbone! LOL. Nehoo....will still keep posting while I work my steps. Btw is there a codie anon? to all!

wicked

Day 8 without the smoke! That is great limbogal!

You are on the road to recovery now, and you "sound" more powerful already.
How great is that? For you and your son.

Yes, there is an Anon for Codependents, it is called CODA. Codependents Anonymous.
I dont think they are as available as AlAnon, but, certainly I hope you find one.

Beth

limbogal

Thanks Wicked!! I googled CODA and i found a meeting 20 min from my house. I am soo there on Weds for my 1st meeting.

chronsweet

Great progress. Remain calm and strong. Take care of your boy first and foremost. If you hate coming home, imagine how he feels!

Jeff63

Wow

I read this post and it reminded me growing up. Eventually someone called social services and removed my siblings and I due to a hostile environment. If you don't make a change, maybe one will be made.

Not a pleasant thought but something to think about.

yorkiegirl

Cheering for you, Limbogal.

limbogal

HI all. So since my last post my ABF has decided to go to rehab...yaay?? He is waiting for the insurance to let him know which facility to go to. Now I am feeling resentful because he keeps talking about how he's goin to go away and get to work out and swim etc. Sounds to me like he thinks rehab is a vacation of some sort. I thought he was going to rehab to work on his alcoholism and NOT to "relax" and "take time for himself". Arrggghh it irks me to see him being so blah about it as if its some sort of resort place. Am I over extending myself getting soo worked up about HIS recovery? I just feel like he has totally different expectations from what I have and he's more or less going there to relax rather than work on his revovery. I know, I know, it HIS recovery not mine but I cant help feeling resentful, knowing what him and this damn disease has put us through. He's even said he doesn't want to do the "group therapy thing" all day he just wants to "get away for awhile". Man it makes me mad. I am though, looking forward to him being away for awhile....soo needing some space. Just needed to vent is all. I just have a sinking feeling this is not going to work.

m1k3

limbogal, sounds to me like he's going to rehab not working a recovery. Good chance for you to focus on your recovery. BTW, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Your friend,

dollydo

I did have to laugh, he thinks he is going to a spa!

Doesn't sound like he understands or is taking his recovery seriously! Don't be suprised if he comes back home rather quickly.

Just keep working on you, getting yourself all upset isn't going to change a thing.

coffeedrinker

Limbogal,

Welcome to SoberRecovery. Hope you stick around.

Waiting to find out what is to be revealed to us is one of the hardest things. If it helps, do not get your hopes up.

The only thing I have for what you should do, in the advice department, is to realize that your son is learning about how men and women relate to each other, and how they treat each other. Yikes.

StarCat

My XABF went to rehab on Christmas Day. It's a complicated story how he got there, but suffice to say it was because I refused to see him or allow him to visit me after I fled my own apartment two days prior and spent the night sitting up at my desk at work posting on SR. (First time I found this site).
He clearly went to convince me to get back with him, not to get better for himself.

But you know what? I am so glad he went. I told him when he went in (mistakenly believing that all our problems would be solved) that this was the best Christmas present he'd ever give to me. I still stand by that, because the time without him helped me realize just how much he was dictating my life, and just how much of myself I had actually forgotten.

I left him, while he was in rehab. The last straw was when I visited him one Sunday, and I'm there telling him that I don't trust him and I'm not sure I even love him anymore and about how we need to go really slow and start over from the beginning... And he nods his head remorsefully, says he understands, and asks me to marry him.

It was then I realized that he was living in a dream world of his own creation, and that nothing I ever said was ever going to break through the walls of that fantasy of his.


Whether this rehab helps him at all or not, I strongly suggest you thoroughly enjoy the time he is there, and use it to become more reconnected to yourself. It's a lot easier to think without an active alcoholic in your household on a daily basis, and your recovery will be much stronger upon his return, no matter what his recovery (or lack thereof) looks like.

Beckalee43

First and foremost I think you need to dig deep down inside of you and ask yourself if this is a healthy, meaningful and beneficial relationship for you and your son.
No one likes to make hard desicions and especially when it's regarding someone you love. But really how much more are you willing to take? How much can you keep piling on your plate until it finally breaks?
Just always remember that you are never alone out there. At the time you may feel like it, but know that there are plenty of places to turn to seek help.
I hope everything works out and one day your bf will realize the life he's missing.
Best of luck!