What are the real symptoms?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9
What are the real symptoms?
I have read all of the descriptions online, but I'm curious as to what the 'symptoms' of alcoholism have been in the lives of others. My AH, swears he isn't....to the point I really have to question what I have seen over and over. He's not falling down drunk, most people don't even think he's drunk....and it took me years to really realize.
He does have very bloodshot eyes at all times, shakes sometimes, sweats profusely, but never passes out or stumbles around....
Thanks for info.
Cali
He does have very bloodshot eyes at all times, shakes sometimes, sweats profusely, but never passes out or stumbles around....
Thanks for info.
Cali
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
I have a lot of alcoholism in my family, and I think its a little different for everyone. We have both the functional ones and the falling down kind. My mom drinks alone and in secret. She hides bottles and empties so no one knows what or how much is consumed and tells everyone she only has "one beer a night" even when she's buying a bottle of brandy every few days and her 12 packs do not last 12 days.
My partner drank compulsively. She rarely got drunk, but she would need to drink every night. Her tolerance is high as well so it would take a lot of beer to get her loaded. With her though it was the compulsion to drink and her inability to stop or cut back.
The bottom line though, is that it doesn't really matter if we think they're alcoholics (my mom is adamant that she is NOT). Until they realize there's a problem it doesn't exist.
My partner drank compulsively. She rarely got drunk, but she would need to drink every night. Her tolerance is high as well so it would take a lot of beer to get her loaded. With her though it was the compulsion to drink and her inability to stop or cut back.
The bottom line though, is that it doesn't really matter if we think they're alcoholics (my mom is adamant that she is NOT). Until they realize there's a problem it doesn't exist.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
My AH is a closet drinker and I wondered is he? or isn't he? for a long time. We didn't have any huge alcoholic drama scenes, or violence or some of the sad situations I read here. And you do feel crazy. You don't want to suspect him of this unfairly, but still....
Looking back it unfolded slowly, he was a lousy date whenever we went out, leaving me for long spells to get drinks and being drunk at the end of the evening. Not falling down, not passing out, but definitely drunk. I was always designated driver. I decided I wouldn't go out to the parties etc. with him anymore, so that started the isolation.
The next step was we stopped having people in for the same reason. When we did, I would hover near him because I knew he wanted to hide the extent of the drinking and my hovering made it more difficult. Great hosts!
So now we aren't going out or having people over. That's isolating, but I didn't know it then.
Then there were the other odd behaviours: brushed teeth at odd times, frequent trips to bathroom, basement etc., odd smell that I soon recognized as vodka (something he never drank before), forgetting conversations, finding bottles in odd places.
And more subtle ones: clenched jaw that he only did after drinking, knee against cupboard to steady himself, slow/different purposeful walk, over-pronunciation and oddly staring at people.
At this time I realized that he was drinking from when he got home from work and I didn't want him to be driving the kids around, so I did all the trips to and from all their various events. I was hopeful he wouldn't drive with the kids in the car, but I wouldn't chance it.
The hands were now shaking and new behaviours started to disguise this. Then, they didn't shake anymore. I later found out that this was because of the vodka in his morning coffee. The morning I came upon that was horrible. I felt such a pit in my stomach.
All in all, I became a super sleuth. Somehow taking satisfaction in a weird way that no one else might know, but I KNEW he was drunk, again.
At Alanon I learned that I needed to detach, and now I do. I don't smell him when we pass in the hallway, or monitor where he's going around the house and why, or sniff glasses, or any of my old super sleuth tricks.
I use to be crazy with rage about his drinking and bitter about alcoholism being in my marriage, and Alanon helped with that, too.
He is still drinking, and will not get a program or see a doctor, and rather than getting all wrapped up in that, I do MY program and go out more and start living my life again.
I used to get all hurt about the lies that were connected to the drinking, but I realized that is the only thing he lies about. Knowing he will lie about the drinking, I don't ask questions where either he will lie and / or I won't believe him. And surprisingly, when I think about it, the reasons I have for asking the question have more to do with what's going on with me than him.
I am not sure if this is what you were asking. And regardless of what we think, they have to determine if they are alcoholics and they have to decide to do something about it. It is truly out of our hands.
Read the stickie about what Normie's don't know. You'll probably see yourself there.
Please check out Alanon. It helps greatly and the people know what's it's like and felt this way, and knowing you aren't alone sure helps.
Take care.
Looking back it unfolded slowly, he was a lousy date whenever we went out, leaving me for long spells to get drinks and being drunk at the end of the evening. Not falling down, not passing out, but definitely drunk. I was always designated driver. I decided I wouldn't go out to the parties etc. with him anymore, so that started the isolation.
The next step was we stopped having people in for the same reason. When we did, I would hover near him because I knew he wanted to hide the extent of the drinking and my hovering made it more difficult. Great hosts!
So now we aren't going out or having people over. That's isolating, but I didn't know it then.
Then there were the other odd behaviours: brushed teeth at odd times, frequent trips to bathroom, basement etc., odd smell that I soon recognized as vodka (something he never drank before), forgetting conversations, finding bottles in odd places.
And more subtle ones: clenched jaw that he only did after drinking, knee against cupboard to steady himself, slow/different purposeful walk, over-pronunciation and oddly staring at people.
At this time I realized that he was drinking from when he got home from work and I didn't want him to be driving the kids around, so I did all the trips to and from all their various events. I was hopeful he wouldn't drive with the kids in the car, but I wouldn't chance it.
The hands were now shaking and new behaviours started to disguise this. Then, they didn't shake anymore. I later found out that this was because of the vodka in his morning coffee. The morning I came upon that was horrible. I felt such a pit in my stomach.
All in all, I became a super sleuth. Somehow taking satisfaction in a weird way that no one else might know, but I KNEW he was drunk, again.
At Alanon I learned that I needed to detach, and now I do. I don't smell him when we pass in the hallway, or monitor where he's going around the house and why, or sniff glasses, or any of my old super sleuth tricks.
I use to be crazy with rage about his drinking and bitter about alcoholism being in my marriage, and Alanon helped with that, too.
He is still drinking, and will not get a program or see a doctor, and rather than getting all wrapped up in that, I do MY program and go out more and start living my life again.
I used to get all hurt about the lies that were connected to the drinking, but I realized that is the only thing he lies about. Knowing he will lie about the drinking, I don't ask questions where either he will lie and / or I won't believe him. And surprisingly, when I think about it, the reasons I have for asking the question have more to do with what's going on with me than him.
I am not sure if this is what you were asking. And regardless of what we think, they have to determine if they are alcoholics and they have to decide to do something about it. It is truly out of our hands.
Read the stickie about what Normie's don't know. You'll probably see yourself there.
Please check out Alanon. It helps greatly and the people know what's it's like and felt this way, and knowing you aren't alone sure helps.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
For me the signs of problem drinking in my loved one were the following:
-blackouts
-actual signs and symptoms that after a certain point he appeared more "with it" then earlier in the night
-Using alcohol as a coping mechanism any time we had a disagreement
-defense of his drinking to the point of ridiculousness
-he actually threatened harm to himself (and at times our dogs) when he was drunk
-he would pick fights with others, including myself.
None of this was him when he was not drinking. He is a charming, lovable person. Alcohol brings out a scary dark side for him that I did not see prior to that.
-blackouts
-actual signs and symptoms that after a certain point he appeared more "with it" then earlier in the night
-Using alcohol as a coping mechanism any time we had a disagreement
-defense of his drinking to the point of ridiculousness
-he actually threatened harm to himself (and at times our dogs) when he was drunk
-he would pick fights with others, including myself.
None of this was him when he was not drinking. He is a charming, lovable person. Alcohol brings out a scary dark side for him that I did not see prior to that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I was worried a couple of times when financial problems came up, and I couldn't understand why....but sirens blared and red flags fluttered madly, when my late XAH had a total change of character.
When he sat outside gulping down his wine, and having the most offensive conversations.....with himself, using language he would have killed someone for using in front of me and girls in past.
When he opened his own secret bank account to salt away small amounts of money from our joint account, and keep me from getting my "grubby paws" off his superannuation payout. After I left, he drank his way thru every cent until his health collapsed, and he spent the last 4 years miserably in his room at the nursing home.
This was a man I loved and respected above others, who had been my rock, lover and best friend for nearly 25 years, and even now, over 20 years later I still shake my head in wonder.
I know others who are "happy" drunks, or just fall asleep as well as some who I loathe as they are such horrible and offensive people, so I guess tho some traits are almost universal there is also a big variety among those with addictive drinking problems.
Anyway, for me all that matters is if it worries me. If I find someone or something is a big problem then I get away as fast as I can.
When he sat outside gulping down his wine, and having the most offensive conversations.....with himself, using language he would have killed someone for using in front of me and girls in past.
When he opened his own secret bank account to salt away small amounts of money from our joint account, and keep me from getting my "grubby paws" off his superannuation payout. After I left, he drank his way thru every cent until his health collapsed, and he spent the last 4 years miserably in his room at the nursing home.
This was a man I loved and respected above others, who had been my rock, lover and best friend for nearly 25 years, and even now, over 20 years later I still shake my head in wonder.
I know others who are "happy" drunks, or just fall asleep as well as some who I loathe as they are such horrible and offensive people, so I guess tho some traits are almost universal there is also a big variety among those with addictive drinking problems.
Anyway, for me all that matters is if it worries me. If I find someone or something is a big problem then I get away as fast as I can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
I'm convinced my AW is alcoholic, though she hasn't been formally diagnosed.
Though she doesn't get drunk every day, I'm pretty sure she drinks almost daily, though I can't prove it, and I haven't tried. When I started confronting her about it, a year or so ago, she became more careful in hiding the booze. She also developed the odd habit of dousing herself with Old Spice while drinking... apparently to keep me from smelling the vodka. She would also light incense, which I hate.
She will routinely deny being drunk, even though she's unable to stand up, and she continues to drink though it has cost us thousands in medical bills, and she has fallen several times while drunk.
I'm convinced that she will drink until it kills her. Does that make her an alcoholic? In my opinion, it does.
Though she doesn't get drunk every day, I'm pretty sure she drinks almost daily, though I can't prove it, and I haven't tried. When I started confronting her about it, a year or so ago, she became more careful in hiding the booze. She also developed the odd habit of dousing herself with Old Spice while drinking... apparently to keep me from smelling the vodka. She would also light incense, which I hate.
She will routinely deny being drunk, even though she's unable to stand up, and she continues to drink though it has cost us thousands in medical bills, and she has fallen several times while drunk.
I'm convinced that she will drink until it kills her. Does that make her an alcoholic? In my opinion, it does.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
An alcoholic doesn't have to be a stumbling, falling down skid row bum sipping cheap wine out of a brown paper bag.
The first thing I ever identified with as an alcoholic is when I read "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
There's a good description of the alcoholic's physical and mental states.
The first thing I ever identified with as an alcoholic is when I read "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
There's a good description of the alcoholic's physical and mental states.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9
Mine must be very high functioning....I've never seen him falling down drunk, however much of his drinking is done while he is out....he ends up not coming home at night, so who knows. I'm sure he drinks to some extent as he has been working in the liquor industry for about 10 years....I know, great job for him right! He constantly going to tastings, getting free samples from purveyors...I really have no way at all to gage it.
In the past, if I ever I try to talk about the consumption, he will give me a bunch of lip service about how it's "his job" to drink, or "in Europe everyone drinks." Now, I doubt that is even true, and we are not in Europe...so, lol.
He must have a very high tolerance...I've seen him drink a lot and not seem affected. I don't drink, so I'm not sure what a lot would be....but I can say in ten years, I haven't seen a day go by where I didn't see him drink a beer or two at the least....on top of whatever he did that day at work, or out on the golf course, etc. Seems there is always an excuse.
If I say anything about why are you drinking, I get yelled at...something like, "I worked all day, I can relax." Always implying that I didn't work, when in fact I work more hours in the day than he does...plus take care of the house, food, kids, etc.
All of the abuse aside, do these sound like symptoms?
-Drinking everyday in some manner.
-Becoming enraged if I question the amount/frequency.
-If I call him and alcoholic, I am accused of being abusive and calling him names.
-Unexplained outbursts and rages.
-Unbelievable snoring after I know he's had quite a bit.
-Shakes
-Bloodshot Eyes
-Horrible smell, not even sure what he smells like, but it's gnarly.
-Sweating, to the point that he has made a large spot on my brand new white mattress that is now yellow....I know, gross, this is a real deal breaker for me.
-Not remembering things...like the school play is Friday at 4, and even though I remind him 6 times, he doesn't show up and accuses me of not mentioning it.
-Unable to complete tasks....starts projects but doesn't finish, doesn't pay bills, etc. Just can't seem to keep it together.
-Uncontrollable temper tantrums
-ABUSIVE
-Unreasonable and easily agitated. Can be having a conversation about the mailman and he might go ballistic and start throwing things.
Just a few of the delights in my life...would love any insight. Does this sound like an alcohol problem, or just a bad guy?
Thanks!
In the past, if I ever I try to talk about the consumption, he will give me a bunch of lip service about how it's "his job" to drink, or "in Europe everyone drinks." Now, I doubt that is even true, and we are not in Europe...so, lol.
He must have a very high tolerance...I've seen him drink a lot and not seem affected. I don't drink, so I'm not sure what a lot would be....but I can say in ten years, I haven't seen a day go by where I didn't see him drink a beer or two at the least....on top of whatever he did that day at work, or out on the golf course, etc. Seems there is always an excuse.
If I say anything about why are you drinking, I get yelled at...something like, "I worked all day, I can relax." Always implying that I didn't work, when in fact I work more hours in the day than he does...plus take care of the house, food, kids, etc.
All of the abuse aside, do these sound like symptoms?
-Drinking everyday in some manner.
-Becoming enraged if I question the amount/frequency.
-If I call him and alcoholic, I am accused of being abusive and calling him names.
-Unexplained outbursts and rages.
-Unbelievable snoring after I know he's had quite a bit.
-Shakes
-Bloodshot Eyes
-Horrible smell, not even sure what he smells like, but it's gnarly.
-Sweating, to the point that he has made a large spot on my brand new white mattress that is now yellow....I know, gross, this is a real deal breaker for me.
-Not remembering things...like the school play is Friday at 4, and even though I remind him 6 times, he doesn't show up and accuses me of not mentioning it.
-Unable to complete tasks....starts projects but doesn't finish, doesn't pay bills, etc. Just can't seem to keep it together.
-Uncontrollable temper tantrums
-ABUSIVE
-Unreasonable and easily agitated. Can be having a conversation about the mailman and he might go ballistic and start throwing things.
Just a few of the delights in my life...would love any insight. Does this sound like an alcohol problem, or just a bad guy?
Thanks!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
The argument about what makes someone an alcoholic is semantics. I also think it's one of those things, once you get up the courage to ask the question, you already know the answer.
The big issue is whether or not there is an alcohol problem, and it sounds like his alcohol consumption is a problem for you. So now that you know this, what will you do about it?
One of the things that has helped me a lot are the 3 C's:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
It's out of your control, it's his decision on what he is going to do, not yours. You are not responsible for the results of his decisions.
You are responsible for the results of your decisions, and you've got a lot more choices available to you than you allow yourself to realize. I say this, because I felt stuck and hopeless and trapped, doomed to a subservient existence to protect my then-ABF from his own bad decisions, both dreading and anticipating the day he'd finally die and I'd be free. That's no way to live. And I had a choice to not live that way.
Now I am living my own life, making my own decisions, and I'm a lot more capable than I ever believed I would be.
I would like to add one thing, Alcoholism and Abuse are two separate issues. While they do sometimes go hand in hand, curing one will not cure the other.
I would recommend reading this thread. It's a book study about abuse.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
The big issue is whether or not there is an alcohol problem, and it sounds like his alcohol consumption is a problem for you. So now that you know this, what will you do about it?
One of the things that has helped me a lot are the 3 C's:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
It's out of your control, it's his decision on what he is going to do, not yours. You are not responsible for the results of his decisions.
You are responsible for the results of your decisions, and you've got a lot more choices available to you than you allow yourself to realize. I say this, because I felt stuck and hopeless and trapped, doomed to a subservient existence to protect my then-ABF from his own bad decisions, both dreading and anticipating the day he'd finally die and I'd be free. That's no way to live. And I had a choice to not live that way.
Now I am living my own life, making my own decisions, and I'm a lot more capable than I ever believed I would be.
I would like to add one thing, Alcoholism and Abuse are two separate issues. While they do sometimes go hand in hand, curing one will not cure the other.
I would recommend reading this thread. It's a book study about abuse.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by barelysurviving 
Mine must be very high functioning....I've never seen him falling down drunk, however much of his drinking is done while he is out....he ends up not coming home at night, so who knows. I'm sure he drinks to some extent as he has been working in the liquor industry for about 10 years....I know, great job for him right! He constantly going to tastings, getting free samples from purveyors...I really have no way at all to gage it.
In the past, if I ever I try to talk about the consumption, he will give me a bunch of lip service about how it's "his job" to drink, or "in Europe everyone drinks." Now, I doubt that is even true, and we are not in Europe...so, lol.
He must have a very high tolerance...I've seen him drink a lot and not seem affected. I don't drink, so I'm not sure what a lot would be....but I can say in ten years, I haven't seen a day go by where I didn't see him drink a beer or two at the least....on top of whatever he did that day at work, or out on the golf course, etc. Seems there is always an excuse.
If I say anything about why are you drinking, I get yelled at...something like, "I worked all day, I can relax." Always implying that I didn't work, when in fact I work more hours in the day than he does...plus take care of the house, food, kids, etc.
All of the abuse aside, do these sound like symptoms?
-Drinking everyday in some manner.
-Becoming enraged if I question the amount/frequency.
-If I call him and alcoholic, I am accused of being abusive and calling him names.
-Unexplained outbursts and rages.
-Unbelievable snoring after I know he's had quite a bit.
-Shakes
-Bloodshot Eyes
-Horrible smell, not even sure what he smells like, but it's gnarly.
-Sweating, to the point that he has made a large spot on my brand new white mattress that is now yellow....I know, gross, this is a real deal breaker for me.
-Not remembering things...like the school play is Friday at 4, and even though I remind him 6 times, he doesn't show up and accuses me of not mentioning it.
-Unable to complete tasks....starts projects but doesn't finish, doesn't pay bills, etc. Just can't seem to keep it together.
-Uncontrollable temper tantrums
-ABUSIVE
-Unreasonable and easily agitated. Can be having a conversation about the mailman and he might go ballistic and start throwing things.
Just a few of the delights in my life...would love any insight. Does this sound like an alcohol problem, or just a bad guy?
Thanks!
In the past, if I ever I try to talk about the consumption, he will give me a bunch of lip service about how it's "his job" to drink, or "in Europe everyone drinks." Now, I doubt that is even true, and we are not in Europe...so, lol.
He must have a very high tolerance...I've seen him drink a lot and not seem affected. I don't drink, so I'm not sure what a lot would be....but I can say in ten years, I haven't seen a day go by where I didn't see him drink a beer or two at the least....on top of whatever he did that day at work, or out on the golf course, etc. Seems there is always an excuse.
If I say anything about why are you drinking, I get yelled at...something like, "I worked all day, I can relax." Always implying that I didn't work, when in fact I work more hours in the day than he does...plus take care of the house, food, kids, etc.
All of the abuse aside, do these sound like symptoms?
-Drinking everyday in some manner.
-Becoming enraged if I question the amount/frequency.
-If I call him and alcoholic, I am accused of being abusive and calling him names.
-Unexplained outbursts and rages.
-Unbelievable snoring after I know he's had quite a bit.
-Shakes
-Bloodshot Eyes
-Horrible smell, not even sure what he smells like, but it's gnarly.
-Sweating, to the point that he has made a large spot on my brand new white mattress that is now yellow....I know, gross, this is a real deal breaker for me.
-Not remembering things...like the school play is Friday at 4, and even though I remind him 6 times, he doesn't show up and accuses me of not mentioning it.
-Unable to complete tasks....starts projects but doesn't finish, doesn't pay bills, etc. Just can't seem to keep it together.
-Uncontrollable temper tantrums
-ABUSIVE
-Unreasonable and easily agitated. Can be having a conversation about the mailman and he might go ballistic and start throwing things.
Just a few of the delights in my life...would love any insight. Does this sound like an alcohol problem, or just a bad guy?
Thanks!
With my experience, I think the focus can be on Step One in Al-anon for YOU.
You have identified that alcohol is a problem in YOUR life.
"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol..."
Isn't this true?
Have you tried an Al-anon meeting just yet? I recommend it for you. The face-to-face support will help you with some clarity, when it seems so foggy right now.
I had to go to a few different types of Al-anon meetings to find one that fit for me.
Blessings!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Yes they all sound like symptoms. Abusive verbally/emotionally or physically/sexually?
Doesn't sound like much of a partner "on paper" really does he? What's making you put up with this amount of unreasonable behaviour?
Doesn't sound like much of a partner "on paper" really does he? What's making you put up with this amount of unreasonable behaviour?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I think one of the more important things I've learned about alcoholism is that it's a progressive disease. What starts off as a harmless or mostly-harmless pasttime, or a way to relieve stress, for example, escalates until it controls every aspect of the addict's life, and many aspects of the people who love the addict. There isn't really one true symptom that will tell you, "Yes, this person is An Addict *dumdumDUMMMM!!!*"
In my experience, it was a slow burn. I was the lobster swimming happily in the pot until I realized too late that the water was boiling. We drank and partied and carried on with friends, and it took me about three years of living with an addict who was drinking obscene amounts of liquor *just to maintain* before I even realized there was a problem. A part of me would look at him sideways and think, "Gee, I think he leans a little heavily on the booze to cope," but other than that... I honestly didn't know. Even when I did figure it out, I had no idea what the truth of it was, how deep the issues went, or what it was going to take from me to stick with him (or if I wanted to stick with him at all).
My lightbulb moment when I put together the picture of him with the word "addiction" was when he got too sloppy to hide his empties. When I found them, the puzzle pieces clicked together. Before that, many of us around him chalked up his behavior to moodiness or depression.
The truth is that addiction has many faces, and a lot of that can depend on the kind of user and their social class, their ability to hide/manipulate to maintain their addiction, and the level of income and resources they have to hide the consequences of their addictions. I've heard some addiction counselors say that the most dangerous addict is the smart, controlled addict -- they have the ability to maintain their addiction, hide it, justify it, and slip out of social and legal consequences for a long, long time.
I could talk about this forever, so I'll just shut up now and let it ride.
In my experience, it was a slow burn. I was the lobster swimming happily in the pot until I realized too late that the water was boiling. We drank and partied and carried on with friends, and it took me about three years of living with an addict who was drinking obscene amounts of liquor *just to maintain* before I even realized there was a problem. A part of me would look at him sideways and think, "Gee, I think he leans a little heavily on the booze to cope," but other than that... I honestly didn't know. Even when I did figure it out, I had no idea what the truth of it was, how deep the issues went, or what it was going to take from me to stick with him (or if I wanted to stick with him at all).
My lightbulb moment when I put together the picture of him with the word "addiction" was when he got too sloppy to hide his empties. When I found them, the puzzle pieces clicked together. Before that, many of us around him chalked up his behavior to moodiness or depression.
The truth is that addiction has many faces, and a lot of that can depend on the kind of user and their social class, their ability to hide/manipulate to maintain their addiction, and the level of income and resources they have to hide the consequences of their addictions. I've heard some addiction counselors say that the most dangerous addict is the smart, controlled addict -- they have the ability to maintain their addiction, hide it, justify it, and slip out of social and legal consequences for a long, long time.
I could talk about this forever, so I'll just shut up now and let it ride.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by barelysurviving
however much of his drinking is done while he is out....he ends up not coming home at night, so who knows. !
Where the heck is he? To me this is a form of abuse too - he is abandoning his family. Also who is he with? Would the alcohol lowered his inhibitions enough that he may do stuff he'd normally never ever do ? ...say for example....a drunken-one-night stand ?....he could end up bringing home an STD to you and your kids.
Originally Posted by barelysurviving
-ABUSIVE!
This will cause long-term emotional damage to you and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 29
btw...thank you very much for this post. Hearing your story and other's is very helpful to me too. I've been trying to educate myself recently about alcoholism because I'm concerned may fiance may be an alcoholic. A book that has been helpful to me is Beyond the Influence. It describes the symptoms of problem drinking vs early-stage alcoholism vs middle-stage alcoholism. It also contains a bunch of tests in it to diagnose alcoholism.
Also the below was helpful to me too. I believe this is the criteria psychologist use to help diagnose alcoholism.
DSM-IV Criteria for Alcohol Abuse:
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol abuse leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by one or more of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:
Recurrent alcohol use resulting in failure to fulfil major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions or expulsions from school; or neglect of children or household).
Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine).
Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol-related disorderly conduct).
Continued alcohol use despite persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication or physical fights).
These symptoms must never have met the criteria for alcohol dependence.
DSM-IV Criteria for Alcohol Dependence:
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following seven criteria, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
A need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect.
Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol.
Withdrawal, as defined by either of the following:
The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol (refer to DSM-IV for further details).
Alcohol is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.
There is a persistent desire or there are unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.
A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol or recover from its effects.
Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use.
Alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the alcohol (e.g., continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption).
American Psychiatric Association. 1994. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.) (DSM-IV). Washington, D.C.: APA.
Also the below was helpful to me too. I believe this is the criteria psychologist use to help diagnose alcoholism.
DSM-IV Criteria for Alcohol Abuse:
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol abuse leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by one or more of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:
Recurrent alcohol use resulting in failure to fulfil major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to substance use; substance-related absences, suspensions or expulsions from school; or neglect of children or household).
Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine).
Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol-related disorderly conduct).
Continued alcohol use despite persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication or physical fights).
These symptoms must never have met the criteria for alcohol dependence.
DSM-IV Criteria for Alcohol Dependence:
A maladaptive pattern of alcohol use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following seven criteria, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
A need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect.
Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol.
Withdrawal, as defined by either of the following:
The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol (refer to DSM-IV for further details).
Alcohol is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.
There is a persistent desire or there are unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.
A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol or recover from its effects.
Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use.
Alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the alcohol (e.g., continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption).
American Psychiatric Association. 1994. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.) (DSM-IV). Washington, D.C.: APA.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
I'm new to this forum and this is the first post I have read-so many familiar things. I'm still at the stage of trying to stop my partner whenever she drinks-so your points about ignoring stuff are helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I don't think you need a list of behaviors to determine if your husband is an alcoholic or not. If your husband's drinking in any form bothers you and he cannot or will not give it up, then your husband has a drinking problem or is an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to him than your feelings. It's really that simple.
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