What happens after falling off the wagon?
 

My A is not really interested in sobriety right now, because of course, he doesn't have a problem. He says that his drinking is fine because (there are many, many reasons... this is what he said recently) he isn't going anywhere to get drunk, he's doing at home. Oh, and because he isn't cheating on me when drunk. And because he's a grown up and if he wants to get falling-down drunk, then he can. A few days ago he said that I'm crazy for thinking he has a drinking problem, and that I'm overreacting. I've poured out bottles of alcohol but he brings more in, I've learned to tell the moment he comes home how much he's had, I know what it's like to wake up next to someone who reeks of alcohol oozing from his pores while he snores the sleep of the drunk.

The last time we argued he told me he would try to do better, and he was sober for 13 days. Almost two weeks. Then last night he started drinking -- first a six-pack, then hard liquor. He was in the backyard, I put the kids the bed, locked the house, leaving one door open for him. By midnight he was staggering around, but in the backyard. At 3 AM he was passed out on the deck. At 5 AM he staggered into the bedroom, where I pretended to be asleep, heart pounding. He showered, passed out in the shower. There was a time when I'd have helped him out of the shower and helped him into bed, but after one visit to AlAnon and after weeks of reading posts here, I didn't. I did turn off the water, though. (Hey -- it's my hot water too!) I left him there. Daylight was peeking through the blinds when he finally crawled into bed, where again, I held my breath and prayed he'd just pass out -- which he did.

Is there any good in confronting him about this? If he is in denial/blaming me, can I do anything to make him look in the mirror? (No. I can't. Thank you all -- I didn't cause it, I don't control it).

I guess my question is, if he *were* in recovery, how would I treat this episode? Would I confront him? Would he "start over" if working steps? I don't fully have a handle on how a recovering alcoholic/alcoholic's family/loved ones would react here.

So far I've said nothing. Today I'm working (as much as I can, feeling utterly distracted) and brewing a migraine. Saying something will lead to a big argument, which is ok, I'm not nonconfrontational, but I do like to limit my confrontations to people who are rational.

well he isn't in recovery but you are so I wouldn't bother talking to him about what happened. I am not interested in what people remember or not about when they are drunk. Congratulations for leaving him in the shower - and yes I would have turned off the water too- it is hard but it is these little steps that count. When I did these little steps in the beginning, I thought it was to manipulate the alcoholic. By not making it all better for him, he would have to face reality. But in the end the spiritual awakening happened to me in that I truly understand that his life is not my responsibility.

He is not in recovery, he is activily drinking,to me being sober for 13 days does not qualify for being in recovery.

Me, I'd continue to work on my recovery. It won't make a bit of difference what you say to him, he either is going to embrace recovery or he's not, it is totally up to him.

Keep taking care of you!

In my expierence with my RA, confronting him will not do any good. He will drink if he wants to drink and he will be sober if he wants to be sober. He will live in denial if he wants to and he won't of he doesn't. I have found it better to step out of my A's way and let the natural consequences of his actions flow. I heard a great recovery quote the other day.

Alcholics drink, it is what they do. They do not drink at you, or because of you.

I am so sorry you are upset.This is what has helped me when I am upset and hurting because of my AH's drinking.

Maybe you can try to stop focusing on him so much. Stop worrying about how much and what he has drank, how much alcohol he has stock piled and what time he goes to bed. Do it just for one day. Because you can't do anything about what he is doing anyway.Try it and see if it helps.

Instead start focusing on you, your life, what you want. Focus on your recovery and taking care of yourself.Go to a meeting, call an Alanon friend or sponsor.

Hugs, Amanda

I don't know if this would be effective, but I asked my AGF to sleep on the couch when she was drunk b/c I didn't want to be disturbed by her behavior, deal with the snoring, etc. We set this up when she was sober and it wasn't 100% effective. If she wouldn't leave, then I would take my pillow and go to the couch.

Alcholics drink, it is what they do. They do not drink at you, or because of you.
This really struck a chord with me and sure helped to ease the anger and resentment I was feeling at that time. It even helped me to have some compassion for my AH, which had really been in short supply when I first heard this.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

Hi Ogilve
Are you going to therapy? it is my #1 source of support.

Confrontation accomplishes nothing. I used to do that with my AD and of course she would deny everything.

He was dry for 13 days. There is a huge difference between abstinence only and true recovery.