Can there be a future?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by masuhanley 
The main question I have for myself, now, is this: what part of unemployed alcoholic with no car, no place of his own, deadbeat dad did I think would be a good chance to take?
I am grateful to have this group for support or I would be caving as we speak.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by OnMyWay11
Panther
I know that inside. I am very much a researcher at heart. It is what I do for a living. My problem is that I have always operated on logic and I just am not seeing any logic in this situation. I am beginning to to feel that there is just no logic dealing with an A no matter what.
On top of that, as intelligent as I am, I actually took a phone call from him this morning to be enlightened on why he only goes to the bar because I don't pay him enough attention. Again....no logic on my part or his. I did tell him to stop blaming me for his drinking and hung up. I need to be stronger in my resolve to keep NC no matter how much he contacts me.
I know that inside. I am very much a researcher at heart. It is what I do for a living. My problem is that I have always operated on logic and I just am not seeing any logic in this situation. I am beginning to to feel that there is just no logic dealing with an A no matter what.
On top of that, as intelligent as I am, I actually took a phone call from him this morning to be enlightened on why he only goes to the bar because I don't pay him enough attention. Again....no logic on my part or his. I did tell him to stop blaming me for his drinking and hung up. I need to be stronger in my resolve to keep NC no matter how much he contacts me.
You are right--we are searching for logic where this is none.
I know that I, too, came in hopes of others shoring up that other side, the intuitive side of me. My rational side just kept trying to find the logic
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
For me, the hardest part of loving an alcoholic was accepting and being able to forgive totally illogical behavior.
Once I quit trying to make sense of it all, and just accepted what is, right now, life became a lot less confusing and emotionally out-of-balance.
Like others here, I too sought validation that I was not the crazy one (not too crazy, that is) and there was a different way of coping with my situation instead of being on the crazy-train ride I was on. Keep coming back!
Once I quit trying to make sense of it all, and just accepted what is, right now, life became a lot less confusing and emotionally out-of-balance.
Like others here, I too sought validation that I was not the crazy one (not too crazy, that is) and there was a different way of coping with my situation instead of being on the crazy-train ride I was on. Keep coming back!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by SoloMio
Hey, I'm a researcher, too! So I know what you mean. We look at the "evidence" but we want someone to validate it... just so we KNOW. Problem is, as Panther said, we need to just go somewhere else in our heads, beyond the analysis, and listen to our gut. If we need others to validate what our gut is saying, so be it.
You are right--we are searching for logic where this is none.
I know that I, too, came in hopes of others shoring up that other side, the intuitive side of me. My rational side just kept trying to find the logic
You are right--we are searching for logic where this is none.
I know that I, too, came in hopes of others shoring up that other side, the intuitive side of me. My rational side just kept trying to find the logic
For example, let's say your parents are getting old and you decide to take them into your home. You believe this is the right thing to do. Some people do not agree with your decision and they tell you that you should put them in a retirement home. But you know in your GUT that your decision is right. Why is there need for validation? If you believe it firmly you will tell anyone who disagrees with you to go jump in a lake, correct? But if you don't believe it firmly, if for any reason you have your own inner conflict about your choice, what will you seek out? Validation.
With most major decisions there is inner conflict, whether people acknowledge it or not. The greater the inner conflict, the greater the doubt, and the more need for validation.
When I know something, I know it. I don't need someone to tell me what I know. But when I have doubt - that's a different story. And the only way doubt can be overcome is through self-reflection and introspection.
Panther
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Panther
Perhaps it was looking for some hope. I thought about that a lot the this last weekend. I think I was looking for hope that there is a chance things could get better. I had about 50 text messages from him over the weekend telling me how his drinking is all my fault (I will note that he drank LONG before he met me) and realized hope was the driving force. What was I hoping for by reading his messages? Maybe for him to say that he had a problem and would get help...who knows.
All this introspection, prompted by much that I have read on this site, made me realize that I really need to just let that hope go. So yesterday I set up my email so his message go straight to spam and delete, and changed my phone number so he cannot send me messages at midnight when he is wasted.
So maybe validation was not the correct word choice, maybe it was at that moment. Regardless, I found strength to follow my gut and take steps to work on my life and my goals. For the first time in many months I started quilting again (my DOC) yesterday. I had stopped as he would tell my that I needed to quilt to relax and so he had the right to drink to relax. I look at that and think OMG. Compare a passed out, snoring drunk to a soft, warm quilt that can last generations. How could I allow that to impact me so much?
Sometimes it is just easier to share such deep, personal anguish with faceless people who understand what you are talking about and do not look at you like you are making a big deal out of a serious problem. All I can say is I appreciate EVERYTHING this group has given me in the last few months to reflect on my life and my situation and make hard, but healthy, choices for myself.
Perhaps it was looking for some hope. I thought about that a lot the this last weekend. I think I was looking for hope that there is a chance things could get better. I had about 50 text messages from him over the weekend telling me how his drinking is all my fault (I will note that he drank LONG before he met me) and realized hope was the driving force. What was I hoping for by reading his messages? Maybe for him to say that he had a problem and would get help...who knows.
All this introspection, prompted by much that I have read on this site, made me realize that I really need to just let that hope go. So yesterday I set up my email so his message go straight to spam and delete, and changed my phone number so he cannot send me messages at midnight when he is wasted.
So maybe validation was not the correct word choice, maybe it was at that moment. Regardless, I found strength to follow my gut and take steps to work on my life and my goals. For the first time in many months I started quilting again (my DOC) yesterday. I had stopped as he would tell my that I needed to quilt to relax and so he had the right to drink to relax. I look at that and think OMG. Compare a passed out, snoring drunk to a soft, warm quilt that can last generations. How could I allow that to impact me so much?
Sometimes it is just easier to share such deep, personal anguish with faceless people who understand what you are talking about and do not look at you like you are making a big deal out of a serious problem. All I can say is I appreciate EVERYTHING this group has given me in the last few months to reflect on my life and my situation and make hard, but healthy, choices for myself.
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