blueblooms14

It’s been 7 weeks of no interaction with the XABF, what I’m calling No Contact. XABF attempted several times but I had put up a brick wall as I prepped for the bar exam which was freaking me out, since it had been 18 years since I’d taken the exam and I felt old and mentally creaky. I was SO flippin nervous. Actually, I cut off another friend, too, who was dropping her drama on me and wouldn’t let up. My boundaries were very solid and I was not going to be drawn into other people’s… issues. This was too important for my life.

So now the test is done. I realize that part of my emotional reaction is from the relief of being done. I was tired and depleted. Probably all of HALT.

Yesterday, in that state, I looked at XABF’s dating profile. It was sad. My anger and rigidity softened (not enough to want to interact with him again). He had a very recent picture posted, about 2 weeks old, at a baseball game. He’s very drunk in it- puffy and distorted in the face, buggy glassy eyes. He looks so tragic. He looks so childlike. He’s been hospitalized before for organ failure. He’s had horrendous car accidents. He’s a late-stage alcoholic and, if it was true, he had had two-plus years of sobriety when I met him about 15 months ago. This photo was just so sad to me. I saw him as he is now, not all bravado and nastiness as he was when I slammed the door on him. Just sad. Swimming in the bottle again.

I can see how I used to put on my rescue hat and rush in. I felt it inside myself as I looked at that sad picture. I just stared at it and cried for a few minutes. I felt the sweetness and sadness so many of you express here. It is tragic.

There is no risk that I will go back to that and I’m determined to not get involved with another A. I know that that same man in the picture used to turn like a rattlesnake in the bat of an eye and be vicious and insane, living far outside of reality and lashing out, drawing my life into his insane vortex. My heart used to pound so often when I was around him. I know he betrayed and exploited me, tried to blackmail me, had cold disdain for me. I must never again scrape away the ugly reality or the insanity when I see him, or anyone. But geeze, this was sad to see. Now- I must not look again.

But it really is sad. Just by looking at that picture, I could imagine him dying, killing himself, and, frankly, not caring that he’s doing it. And the sweetness will die with him. In my head, it’s as though there is a good man and a bad man in there, and the bad man is killing the good man- and the bad man will take down anyone else in his path.

The feelings I have are all about me and my beliefs and wishes, though. This is his choice.

bruingirl

Sorry to hear this blueblooms. Your post is something I can really relate to. I often say that my XABF is both a good man and a bad man in the same body. It is sad to feel such love for the former, and hatred towards the latter. It truly is bittersweet.

Let yourself feel the emotions and cry if you need to. It is great that you are at the place where you aren't automatically squirming to go into action mode after seeing something like that. It is a sign of just how far you've come.

Hugs!

StarCat

What a beautiful testimony to your recovery, blueblooms.
You can recognize the good and bad in him, have compassion for him, and still permit him the dignity of his own decisions and their consequences.

I hate this disease, I truly do. It hurts so many good people.

skippernlilg

Blueblooms,

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It's very thoughtful. It stirred some vigilence for me.

I just finished my semester finals, nothing like the Bar exam!! When do you get your results?