I fell for the Quacking!!
 

Today, my xah, calls my work. Told me he found a job back in this state. Asked me if he could move back into the house. I told him no. I think I threw in a good cuss word or two. He said he cant afford to rent a place on his own. He couldnt tell me where he got a job, it was a secret. Once again the answer was still no.

I got upset, left work and took a drive. Came back to a phone message from him that said "See you tomorrow"

OMG! My heart raced, I think I had a panic attack. I stopped and thought about it, tried to pull myself together.

He called and called and I didnt answer. His messages got more negative as time went on.

So I called his brother where he lives. Come to find out...He was drunk again and has been drinking. He admitted to his brother, he's not even trying to stay sober anymore..

$10 grand rehab, AA, divorce, What the heck...I scream to myself!!!


His brother talked to him then called me. The story got switched around that I have been calling him. I stated to his brother that I have 8 months of phone records that prove I have NOT dialed his phone number one time.

I am so pissed, that I fell for his quacking...Ugggg

No job..No moving....Just drunk!!!

Hi BobbyJ,

Sure who wouldn't fall for this especially after a bit of a break from it.

The chronic deceipt is one of the saddest and most hurtful part of the disease and we experience and fall for it all the time don't we!

Sorry you were pulled into that. Sad for him too.

And we end up being grateful for some amount of truthfulness in place of constant deception. What a way to measure progress in a relationship eh?

Go easy!

Bobby...

Alcoholics who aren't in recovery are sick people who say and do hurtful things.

Al-Anons who aren't in recovery get blind sided by the alcoholics actions.

Just a question, and I am asking from a place of care and concern.

Why did you call his brother? What does it matter that an active alcoholic is still acting out?

Alcohol addiction is the hideous gift that just keeps on giving ... distress, torment, broken families, financial ruin, heartaches, PTSD ....etc.

Just when we think we know the parameters of what an alcoholic will and will not do - we are blindsided yet again, thrust once more into stunned disbelief - shocked by the new low they have reached.

The delusional, self serving insanity of addiction ... never fails to continually amaze us.

So sorry. - even though we learn to expect such deceitful, irrational antics with addiction ... it NEVER makes them acceptable.

Take care and remember, you deserve a better life ...

Bobby,

I don't see it that way. Had you invited him back to your home, that would have been falling for it, of the hook-line-and-sinker variety. You simply had a conversation with him, verified that his half of the conversation was total BS, and rightly so felt annoyed by the transaction. End of story.

PS: if you think you're annoyed, imagine how he felt when he realized his fantasy got absolutely nowhere with you.

I agree with Eddie... I think you're being way too hard on yourself. I am proud of the way you handle the situation. You stood your ground, protected your boundary. Was it perfect? No, but girl... nobody is perfect. Nobody.

I get more upset with myself when I fall for/believe the lies or empty promises that come out of my AH's mouth. He says some of the most beautiful and grandeous things... and I think deep down, he means it, he just can't follow through. He can't because he's sick. And me believing them? And getting sucked into it? That's my disease. My denial. Me wanting to believe that maybe, oh just maybe he isn't an alcoholic. But if I wait (and not react!)... the waters calm and the truth is revealed. "Yup, he's an alcoholic and he's just doing what he does."

I had one of those painful moments this week. A growth opportunity. A chance to step back from the situation - see how it unfolded, see my reaction (which was healthier than before but was still rough around the edges!!!)... and see some areas that I could focus on in my recovery! Ah... I'm making progress!! And that feels good to me. I'm not perfect and I have to learn how to let go of that expectation... because having it... means I end up resenting MYSELF.

Be gentle on yourself. You're a very special and loveable person. I hope you do something kind and wonderful for you today!
Shannon

I like Eddie's response.

I know that my AH will lie and I know that I want to believe those lies. I think that is a good thing. (Wait....don't jump all over me!)

I want to keep being open-hearted and open to believing that there is good in people and people do change and recover. I don't want to be cynical and hard-hearted because of my experiences with AH. That is why I must keep aware of his likeliness to lie and of my likeliness to believe.

I think my recovery means I should be wary when a known liar tells me something and that is why the phone call to the brother is okay in my books.

I too am with Eddie here...I read it as you not falling for his quacking, not the other way around. But I hear your frustration at even answering the phone...getting involved in a conversation and having an emotional reaction to it. That's normal; feel it and then move on from it. 8 months into sobriety and I still have those moments...but now I recognize they are just fleeting moments in the grand scheme of it all and I can handle them better now.

Maybe next time, call his bluff and see what he does? You're trying to sell your house, right? So say "You can move back in here, but the new owners may not like that very much". :wink:

I think I might've handled it about the same way you did. I probably would've called the brother, too, because I would've felt 'unsafe', unsteady, or unsure of reality for a moment. Be easy on yourself. You did your best, and that's all a person could ever do!!

I don't know for sure if I would do the same or not... Putting to real life practice the whole, "not everything needs a reaction" that I'm doing is helpful, and the situation you posted, were it me, would put that to the test.

Why did I call his brother?
Because his brother & his entire family did not realize he had a drinking problem.
They have not been around him since he left home at 18.
They were like my family too.

His brother and I promised, that we would communicate, if he was leaving the state
and heading back this way.
Having communication with his brother, it will give me 2 days to pack my crap and hit
the road
#1 is Fear for my life
#2 is not being able to deal with him face to face
#3 he would stalk me to death
#4 a mean alcoholic who stands almost 7' tall adds alittle bit more fear than most

Other than those types of calls, his brother and I have no other communication

Yes, there is restraining orders, but an alcoholic who packs a gun, usually beats the cops to the crime scene. Saying that because, I dont have much trust in a peice of paper or our legal system. Been there, done that....

Yes, I like Eddies reply too...It made me chuckle

I understand the lies, the stealing and all of the other bullcrap that goes with it

But when he said he had a job back here, I freaked out & lost control of my reality!

I havent told anyone about his drinking for years. I was good at hiding it, keeping my mouth shut, wearing blinders and pretending like I had the perfect family, and fighting it the entire time.

Now, Im not hiding nothing about it.!!!!
His family is just now learning about his diesase.
His poor brother & wife, have alot to learn..God bless their souls for putting up with him for the past 8 months. But now his brother is beginning to understand, as he finds empty vodka bottles hiding under every crack & cranney...

Today is a better day...Yesterday just sucked...

Tuffgirl...NEW OWNERS!! - Funny stuff...Thanks for the laugh!!! Bwahhaaha

And yes...The cheetah pants are back on today!!

So sorry for what's going on and how scary it must be. Please stay safe.

Sending all the good thoughts and wishes I can muster your way.

Hey Bobby J. Even I think you are being too hard on yourself. Think about that!

You handled it OK and **** that guy!

Now detach more!

Cyranoak

My heart goes out to you...

I know that racing heart, panic attack feeling, it sets you reeling.

It sounds like the phone call to his brother helped to ease your anxiety, and that is a good thing.

Please be kind and gentle to yourself this weekend...you deserve it!

Sending lots of hugs, BobbyJ. I really had to laugh at his "it's a secret" job. Kinda like the whole spy thing: I could tell ya, but then.... Sorry, I know the situation wasn't funny, wasn't fun. I get the same feeling when I know XAAH is bound to show up and sometimes when I just think he MIGHT.

I have to agree with Eddie and the others - you did not fall for his quacking. The panic-response kicked in at the threat of him showing up, yes - mine would have too, but you didn't fall for the quacking.

Glad that you were able to go for a drive and then talk with his brother to clear up picture.

:grouphug:

Secret job??? Oh heck he thinks he's Maxwell Notso Smart!!

Sweetie, if I had some gun totin' dipso telling me he was "back in town", I'd be packing it too. Protection is helped by being warned of problems coming, and by knowing what they are doing. Contacting his brother was a way of analysing your safety, that is all.

Heck, you may be a gibbering nutcase if you'd had to wait and wonder if/when yr X was going to show, and spent a bit going thru the hassles he could cause.

You did what you had to and now you know he's a jerk.

When it's only alcoholism in play, detachment is the way to go.

When there's the potential of abuse, on the other hand, it's great to stick with emotional detachment as much as possible, while still keeping a finger on the pulse.

You did the right thing. You are looking out for yourself. You didn't fall for the quacking at all.

:hug: