Black & White Thinking
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
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Black & White Thinking
I don't know about any of you - but I'm realizing more and more just how distorted my thinking has become (or maybe always was?!?!). It's shocking (and frustrating) to me just how extreme my thoughts can be. I don't do it intentionally but I just seem to go there. Something goes wrong and *bam* - that's it - all is bad. Throw it away. Walk away. Done. Black and White. Right and Wrong.
No gray. No middle ground.
Somebody says something negative or critical and *bam* "They hate me. That's it. Our relationship is over. I'm done."
What the hell is wrong with me!?! I *am* the epitomy of the Al-anon opening...
I realize that I have been unreasonable - demanding perfection/high expectations - and immediately shut-down, throw my hands up at the slightest offense.
I am making progress. I'm aware of the behavior - and though it hasn't stopped completely - I am catching myself in the act and stopping it (at least when the emotional train isn't running out of control!). I want to be a better person, I know I need to be a better person for my kids, my work, my personal and professional relationship - and most importantly for myself.
Patience is key right now. I am by nature a very impatient person and want things right here, right now so I'm working so hard to slow myself down, take my time, work the program and let the change evolve in me.
"I may not see the results today, but I can trust that I am making progress!" Al-anon Courage to Change, pg 210.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
No gray. No middle ground.
Somebody says something negative or critical and *bam* "They hate me. That's it. Our relationship is over. I'm done."
What the hell is wrong with me!?! I *am* the epitomy of the Al-anon opening...
"Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it." - Al-anon Opening
I am making progress. I'm aware of the behavior - and though it hasn't stopped completely - I am catching myself in the act and stopping it (at least when the emotional train isn't running out of control!). I want to be a better person, I know I need to be a better person for my kids, my work, my personal and professional relationship - and most importantly for myself.
Patience is key right now. I am by nature a very impatient person and want things right here, right now so I'm working so hard to slow myself down, take my time, work the program and let the change evolve in me.
"I may not see the results today, but I can trust that I am making progress!" Al-anon Courage to Change, pg 210.
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Getting -
I'm the same way. Sometimes I get to the point where I get so angry and frustrated that all rational thinking goes out the window. I've learned not to make important decisions when I'm feeling really emotional - even when I'm really tempted.
I think its human to feel like this sometimes. Sometimes life becomes so stressful that any additional stress from others is just too much.
Just recently I got into an argument with a friend because I had turned to her for advice and she basically insulted me pretty severely. I didn't think I deserved it, and I was tempted to cut off the relationship. But I gave myself a couple of days to think it over and realized that although my friend can be harsh at times, she's also loyal, funny, and caring. I've decided that there are just certain things I can't talk to her about.
Strong emotions can make you think in black and white, that's normal. Just give yourself time to settle when you feel like this and be easy on yourself
.
Panther
I'm the same way. Sometimes I get to the point where I get so angry and frustrated that all rational thinking goes out the window. I've learned not to make important decisions when I'm feeling really emotional - even when I'm really tempted.
I think its human to feel like this sometimes. Sometimes life becomes so stressful that any additional stress from others is just too much.
Just recently I got into an argument with a friend because I had turned to her for advice and she basically insulted me pretty severely. I didn't think I deserved it, and I was tempted to cut off the relationship. But I gave myself a couple of days to think it over and realized that although my friend can be harsh at times, she's also loyal, funny, and caring. I've decided that there are just certain things I can't talk to her about.
Strong emotions can make you think in black and white, that's normal. Just give yourself time to settle when you feel like this and be easy on yourself
.Panther
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
GettingBy, (((hugs)))
Totally normal. Especially after living for a long time with an A. I believe our thinking really does get warped.
A couple of things that work for me are:
Pay attention to what I'm thinking. If I find myself getting into argument with someone, or having a conversation with someone and its just in my head I'll stop and ask myself who are you arguing with. Usually nips it in the bud.
If its a time related issue I'll ask myself is this something that needs to be handled now? If yes then do it, don't fuss about it. If not just adding it to a todo list usually lets me let it go. I'm aware it has to be done, noted it and can move on.
Last, counting breaths often helps. I'm starting to get to the point where I will start to count before I even really notice that I'm getting upset.
Your friend,
Totally normal. Especially after living for a long time with an A. I believe our thinking really does get warped.
A couple of things that work for me are:
Pay attention to what I'm thinking. If I find myself getting into argument with someone, or having a conversation with someone and its just in my head I'll stop and ask myself who are you arguing with. Usually nips it in the bud.
If its a time related issue I'll ask myself is this something that needs to be handled now? If yes then do it, don't fuss about it. If not just adding it to a todo list usually lets me let it go. I'm aware it has to be done, noted it and can move on.
Last, counting breaths often helps. I'm starting to get to the point where I will start to count before I even really notice that I'm getting upset.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I can absolutely relate. I will say that grey is uncomfortable for me. I want everything to be black or white, but as we know the world is full of shades of grey. I am a right fighter, but learning that winning is not really what makes the world (or me) happy. I am slowly learning to be more accepting of and respectful of other people's views even if I do not agree with them. The biggest thing I have learned is that I take things way to personally. I assume the worst and often times get my feelings hurt. I often look to others for my happiness and when they don't meet my expectations my head gets filled with negative talk. Alanon is really helping me to get happy with me. To stop waiting for someone else to make me happy. To enjoy life every time there is something to enjoy, not just when there is nothing to be worried, sad, mad, angry about. Thanks for sharing Shannon.
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Location: Colorado Springs, CO
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I grew up with an alcoholic Father and it wasn't until I struggled with addiction myself that I was able to see in shades of grey.
It's been a long road, but one where I am so grateful that has been able to open my eyes.
Thank you for posting on this topic. Sometimes it really does take another persons view to help me see my life.
It's been a long road, but one where I am so grateful that has been able to open my eyes.
Thank you for posting on this topic. Sometimes it really does take another persons view to help me see my life.
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If its a time related issue I'll ask myself is this something that needs to be handled now? If yes then do it, don't fuss about it. If not just adding it to a todo list usually lets me let it go. I'm aware it has to be done, noted it and can move on.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I need to practice exactly this. That feeling of urgency, of everything having to be dealt with RIGHT NOW... it's driving me nuts... Thank you!!!
I have even started doing this at work. It helps me focus and just work on what I'm working on. I feel more relaxed and actually get more done.
My next big thing is going to be doing a better job of locking down specs.
It's funny, with me I see just everything in shades of gray.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
GB you have been brutally honest in your posts over the last weeks and in this one also.
It has helped me to open my eyes about me and be honest about my shortcomings.
I can relate to a lot of what you have discovered about yourself.
I wanted to say though, I hope you are being gentle with yourself and learning to have compassion for yourself.
A couple of months ago an alanon member told me that it took a long time for her recovery to go from her head to her heart. I immediately thought she meant in how she interacted with A but over time began to realize that my heart needed to have compassion for me and once I was able to have that more I could extend that compassion to others and that has made it easier for me to overcome my shortcomings, be more tolerant of some folks and enjoy interacting more with some folks regardless of if they are A or not.
It has helped me to open my eyes about me and be honest about my shortcomings.
I can relate to a lot of what you have discovered about yourself.
I wanted to say though, I hope you are being gentle with yourself and learning to have compassion for yourself.
A couple of months ago an alanon member told me that it took a long time for her recovery to go from her head to her heart. I immediately thought she meant in how she interacted with A but over time began to realize that my heart needed to have compassion for me and once I was able to have that more I could extend that compassion to others and that has made it easier for me to overcome my shortcomings, be more tolerant of some folks and enjoy interacting more with some folks regardless of if they are A or not.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Mike -
Those are all really great suggestions!! I really need to learn how to identify when I am getting emotional so that I can take the time to breath, chill out, listen and not react.
My natural instinct is fight or flight. When faced with something emotional, I don't think - I react. I go on defense/offense whatever. I feel the urgency, like Lillamy said, to DO SOMETHING. I have to work on practicing doing NOTHING. Giving things time. Letting the nerve endings settle, the water to calm - and the solution to become clear!
Alone22 - Oh, I love to Right Fight! It's my favorite past time. I'll argue a point - beat that dead horse... until I get submission from my opponent. When I get strung out emotionally - my right fighting knows no limits.
Panther - I love the story about your friend. I have had the same situation and while I *know* that giving myself time (for the sake of the relationship!!) is the right thing to do - making that decision is not my natural instinct.
Gotta keep practicing!!
I'm so grateful for this place - to share/bounce things off of you folks!
Those are all really great suggestions!! I really need to learn how to identify when I am getting emotional so that I can take the time to breath, chill out, listen and not react.
My natural instinct is fight or flight. When faced with something emotional, I don't think - I react. I go on defense/offense whatever. I feel the urgency, like Lillamy said, to DO SOMETHING. I have to work on practicing doing NOTHING. Giving things time. Letting the nerve endings settle, the water to calm - and the solution to become clear!
Alone22 - Oh, I love to Right Fight! It's my favorite past time. I'll argue a point - beat that dead horse... until I get submission from my opponent. When I get strung out emotionally - my right fighting knows no limits.
Panther - I love the story about your friend. I have had the same situation and while I *know* that giving myself time (for the sake of the relationship!!) is the right thing to do - making that decision is not my natural instinct.
Gotta keep practicing!!
I'm so grateful for this place - to share/bounce things off of you folks!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by dancingnow
I wanted to say though, I hope you are being gentle with yourself and learning to have compassion for yourself.
The hardest thing for me to realize is that I beat MYSELF up more than anyone else. I was angry, frustrated, pissed at the world - had this chip on my shoulder while I played the role of the victim wife. When in reality, I was pissed at myself - for being in the situation, for feeling like I should have had better control on the situation (HA!)...yada-yada-yada.
I realize now that I was ignorant as to what I was up against (it's a disease damnit!!)... I had unrealistic expectations for myself (I had NO CONTROL over my AH!!)... I didn't have, or at least wasn't using, the right tools for the situation. I was doing the best I could at the time. I've lived this way for a very long, long time - so undoing those bad habits and learning newer healthier ones is going to take time!
I share all this with you folks because I need to get honest with myself and coming here helps me bare it all... and maybe it helps somebody else. I get so much from reading other people's journals through recovery - I learn about boundaries, and communication.
Sharing ESH is what makes the Al-anon program work!!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
One other little trick that can work, especially if you are someone who wants to do something right away.
Did you ever notice when a small baby is very content it stretches its fingers straight out.
Sometime when something is bothering you instead of clenching your hands extend and stretch the fingers. Just open your and and straighten your fingers, really tight if you want to.
For me when I do that I feel the tension drain right out of my body through my hands.
Let me know how it works for you.
Thanks
Did you ever notice when a small baby is very content it stretches its fingers straight out.
Sometime when something is bothering you instead of clenching your hands extend and stretch the fingers. Just open your and and straighten your fingers, really tight if you want to.
For me when I do that I feel the tension drain right out of my body through my hands.
Let me know how it works for you.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
One other thing, look into mindfulness. The are a bunch of books and readings on how to live a mindful life. Zen and Taoism use this practice . Like anything else it gets easier with practice. There are even a couple of books on mindfulness and the 12 steps.
Be here now.
Edit, be here now triggered something. There are many readings in ODAT and Courage to Change that talk about living in the present. That is what mindfulness is all about.
Be here now.
Edit, be here now triggered something. There are many readings in ODAT and Courage to Change that talk about living in the present. That is what mindfulness is all about.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I can relate to all of this, and how! Thank you for starting this thread.
I have to remember that no one is as hard on me as I am. No one is analyzing what was said or wasn't said as closely as I am.
It's odd, when someone else says something off-putting I cut them all the slack in the world and think that who knows what else is happening in their life for them to act that way. But I find it hard to cut myself the same slack. And my skin is so thin at times!
I find it useful to banish certain words from my vocabulary. "Always" and "Never" are two biggies that I try to avoid. As in, "he always does that...." "he never ...."
I think I'll try Mike's suggestions too.
I have to remember that no one is as hard on me as I am. No one is analyzing what was said or wasn't said as closely as I am.
It's odd, when someone else says something off-putting I cut them all the slack in the world and think that who knows what else is happening in their life for them to act that way. But I find it hard to cut myself the same slack. And my skin is so thin at times!
I find it useful to banish certain words from my vocabulary. "Always" and "Never" are two biggies that I try to avoid. As in, "he always does that...." "he never ...."
I think I'll try Mike's suggestions too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Oh yeah.... Always and never. They are staples for black and white thinking!!! When I hear them come out of my mouth, I know I'm heading down the slippery slope of insanity!! Soon after that, my short term memory loss comes in... And it's off to the races I go!!! The hurt victim looking for vindication!!!
When i get to that place... I feel so crazy. I am crazy really. I just need to shut my mouth and chill out.
Mindfulness... Absolutely. I have a daily zen meditation I do... And it so helps get me centered.
Man mike, you are hot today!!!! Thank you!
When i get to that place... I feel so crazy. I am crazy really. I just need to shut my mouth and chill out.
Mindfulness... Absolutely. I have a daily zen meditation I do... And it so helps get me centered.
Man mike, you are hot today!!!! Thank you!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Mike -
Those are all really great suggestions!! I really need to learn how to identify when I am getting emotional so that I can take the time to breath, chill out, listen and not react.
My natural instinct is fight or flight. When faced with something emotional, I don't think - I react. I go on defense/offense whatever. I feel the urgency, like Lillamy said, to DO SOMETHING. I have to work on practicing doing NOTHING. Giving things time. Letting the nerve endings settle, the water to calm - and the solution to become clear!
Alone22 - Oh, I love to Right Fight! It's my favorite past time. I'll argue a point - beat that dead horse... until I get submission from my opponent. When I get strung out emotionally - my right fighting knows no limits.
Panther - I love the story about your friend. I have had the same situation and while I *know* that giving myself time (for the sake of the relationship!!) is the right thing to do - making that decision is not my natural instinct.
Gotta keep practicing!!
I'm so grateful for this place - to share/bounce things off of you folks!
Those are all really great suggestions!! I really need to learn how to identify when I am getting emotional so that I can take the time to breath, chill out, listen and not react.
My natural instinct is fight or flight. When faced with something emotional, I don't think - I react. I go on defense/offense whatever. I feel the urgency, like Lillamy said, to DO SOMETHING. I have to work on practicing doing NOTHING. Giving things time. Letting the nerve endings settle, the water to calm - and the solution to become clear!
Alone22 - Oh, I love to Right Fight! It's my favorite past time. I'll argue a point - beat that dead horse... until I get submission from my opponent. When I get strung out emotionally - my right fighting knows no limits.
Panther - I love the story about your friend. I have had the same situation and while I *know* that giving myself time (for the sake of the relationship!!) is the right thing to do - making that decision is not my natural instinct.
Gotta keep practicing!!
I'm so grateful for this place - to share/bounce things off of you folks!
In addition to SR, Al-anon, reading, meditating, and all the other tools from my toolbox, I also have a friend who also happens to be a Normie. She's very patient with me. I can call her about the weirdest innermost thoughts, and she has a way to show me some grace. Sometimes it's nice to hear from a Normie that my thoughts aren't entirely off base!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Ditto...To all of your frustration
I told my girlfriend the other day...I just want to be normal again. I dont want all of this weird mental stuff. I dont want to go to Alanon. I dont want to read all of these books. Today Im pissed, and thats okay!
She laughed at me...
I told my girlfriend the other day...I just want to be normal again. I dont want all of this weird mental stuff. I dont want to go to Alanon. I dont want to read all of these books. Today Im pissed, and thats okay!
She laughed at me...
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by BobbyJ
Ditto...To all of your frustration
I told my girlfriend the other day...I just want to be normal again. I dont want all of this weird mental stuff. I dont want to go to Alanon. I dont want to read all of these books. Today Im pissed, and thats okay!
She laughed at me...
I told my girlfriend the other day...I just want to be normal again. I dont want all of this weird mental stuff. I dont want to go to Alanon. I dont want to read all of these books. Today Im pissed, and thats okay!
She laughed at me...
Sometimes it takes a major event (like living with an A) to open you up to the possibility that there is a better way to live your life. At least that is my experience.
Keep working the program it's worth it a d so are you.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
One of the simple language adjustments I have used, which really works for me, is something I read in Richard Rohr (can't remember--I think it's in his new book "Falling Upward." And maybe the idea isn't his, but whoever thought it up, it's pretty good:
Wherever you want to put the word "but" you replace it with "and."
So, "My husband is a nice guy but he drinks" becomes "My husband is a nice guy and he drinks."
Instant acceptance! You acknowledge two facts without putting conditions on either one.
One of my favorite movie quotes is from PeeWee's Great Adventure (boy, I love that movie, and if you really want a great fun escape type movie, you have to see it.)
PeeWee meets Simone, who is a waitress in a dirt poor Southern town, and her dream has always been to go to Paris. She's talking to PeeWee about it saying she would go, but.... and he says, "But what? Everyone I know has a big But...? C'mon, Simone, let's talk about *your* big "But".
So, I try to eliminate my big But every day!
Wherever you want to put the word "but" you replace it with "and."
So, "My husband is a nice guy but he drinks" becomes "My husband is a nice guy and he drinks."
Instant acceptance! You acknowledge two facts without putting conditions on either one.
One of my favorite movie quotes is from PeeWee's Great Adventure (boy, I love that movie, and if you really want a great fun escape type movie, you have to see it.)
PeeWee meets Simone, who is a waitress in a dirt poor Southern town, and her dream has always been to go to Paris. She's talking to PeeWee about it saying she would go, but.... and he says, "But what? Everyone I know has a big But...? C'mon, Simone, let's talk about *your* big "But".
So, I try to eliminate my big But every day!
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