His bottom was death
 

Hello SR Friends.

I've been a long time lurker on this board and this is my first post.

My XAH died on July 3 from kidney and liver failure. He tried to get medical attention but it was too late. The body is not meant to drink 1+ liter of vodka daily. It was just too much for his body to handle. He was only 51.

XAH and I were married 7 years. He was always a drinker but it was always just fun-at the bowling alley, golfing, football games, etc. However, after his mother died, he could never cope and began to progressively increase the amount of liquor he drank until it got out of hand.

About two years ago I started seeing a counselor and went to a few al-anon meetings. I begged him to get help. I yelled and screamed at him. I begged and pleaded with him to get help. I would buy him books and give them to him. I tried tough love. I called treatment centers for him. Sadly, he never took the matter in his own hands to get treatment.

Eventually I divorced him because I could not watch him drink himself away. He never filed a response to the divorce and when it came time for him to leave our house, he did not even pack his toothbrush. I had to do everything for him. Post divorce, we remained in contact a few times per week. While he was not a mean person at heart, sometimes when he drank he said things that hurt my feelings. Despite this, he always told me he loved me, still called me his wife,and continued to wear his wedding ring.

4 months after our divorce, he called me to tell me he was in the hospital. I rushed to his bedside only to see a weak man whose beautiful blue eyes were now surrounded by yellow. He was so frail. His once strong arms and shoulders had wasted away. He was in kidney and liver failure. Three days later he developed pneumonia and his lungs shut down. Two days later, he was placed on a breathing machine, only to have that withdrawn a day later. He died about 8 hours later.

While very sad, it was a peaceful death. I was laying next to him, stroking his hand and arm, telling him how much I loved him and how thankful I was for the times we had together. It was dark quiet, and calm.

Now I am left to pick up the pieces. His ashes sit on my mantle. I planned his funeral, I am handling his estate. While we were not technically married, I feel very much like a widow. I would have never divorced him had he not made my life unbearable with the drinking.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in my heart. Perhaps if I hadn't left, he wouldn't have died so quickly. Maybe if I hadn't pushed him to quit drinking, he would have done it on his own. Why didn't I have an intervention and call everyone he knew to help? In my mind, I know I did the right thing. I hope one day I feel that peace in my heart also. For right now, I miss him so much. I wish I knew his spirit was still alive and that he forgives me for divorcing him.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this. Maybe it's because this is a place I've turned to for the last few years to gain perspective and strength. I know I didn't cause it, I couldn't cure it, and obviously I couldn't control it. It still hurts. A lot. I'm not sure where to go from here. One day at a time I suppose. Thank you for reading.

(((flygirl))) - I'm so sorry for your loss. Though most of us go through the guilt period, I'm an RA and I can tell you that nothing anyone said or did would have made a difference. I left my XABF#3 as he continued to smoke crack (my DOC). The few times I had contact with him, I was supportive, told him how recovery had made such a huge difference in my life, but he didn't want to stop. He died at the same age as your XAH.

I hope you continue to reach out here, and have f2f support. There are stages of dealing with death, and we go through them differently, and it really helps to have that support.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I'm sorry it took another once-loving soul from this earth. You loved him. He knew it. That's the very best a person can ever have in their life. He knew he was loved. Wow. :grouphug:

Flygirl11,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss hon. Big (((((hugs)))))) to you during this difficult time. It's okay to feel a little confused with all of the emotions going through you at the moment. We all know that an alcoholic that is not in recovery can only get progressively worse, but it is naturally still a shock when something of this nature happens, and so suddenly at that.

Like you mentioned, take it one step at a time. Be easy on yourself and do the things that make you feel relaxed and happy. It really sounds like you did everything you could for the man you loved, and even truly beyond that. His alcoholism was only ever in his hands though, and it's very sad that it had to end this way.

Keep posting here and reading, it will help to ease the pain. Lots of love to you,

Bruingirl

Flygirl... big hugs to you. You know you did your best and you know there was nothing you could do, but your heart needs to hear that and accept it. Addiction is so sad. It robs us of our loved ones. I truly believe your XAH knows how much you cared and I am sure that if he could tell you he would say thank you for being there for him in his final moments. My friend lost her husband after she kicked him out of the house due to his addiction. The two things that have really helped her are counseling and also planting a tree in her late husbands honor. Be kind to yourself... he would never want you to feel any guilt.

My heartfelt sympathy to you at this difficult time.

I can't even begin to imagine... and my heart hurts for you.

I weep for my AH.

Flygirl, I am so sorry. And I hope you continue to go to al-anon, get real-life support and of course continue to read and post here too. The what-ifs.... I hope you realize that there was nothing you could have done to stop him. I have had close friends lose loved ones to suicide and they keep going over everything again and again, and I tell them the same thing... you can't put rational thought around irrational behavior.

I am so sorry for your loss, know that he is finally at peace. Hugs to you.

I read your post and know that I will be living it one day in the near future. I already see it in my mind's eye of how it will happen. My best friend said, "Are you sure you can handle the fact that he is going to die?" I said yes..at one point he asked me what will happen to us since our relationship won't make it. I told him, "You will be in the hospital, dying, and tell your children that wherever she is in the world, find her." And he said, "YES"..I pray for the strength you have shown..

Flygirl -

I am truly sorry for your loss. I think that although you may have some regrets, you must remember that this terrible disease takes so many despite the care and love of their families. He knows that you love him, that is what is important.

Panther

My deepest sympathies for the loss of someone you so cared so much about - and whose life story ended far too soon. Yet another soul unable to escape addiction’s powerful and destructive grasp.

And those left behind will forever wonder “what if?” ... haunted by knowing if he had just made different choices, perhaps there could have been a very different outcome.

Just over 4 years ago, I also helplessly watched a once healthy, strong, productive human being’s tragic decline into a sickly, frail, confused shell of what he had once been - as he spiraled rapidly towards his final days ... until his torment finally ended. My husband left behind a damaged family, feeling lost and confused ... and we will forever wonder ... “what if?”

May your loved one finally have the peace that so eluded him in life. May you also find peace in knowing you were powerless to change the tragic and heartbreaking outcome.

I am very sorry for you Flygirl, you sound like a wonderful person and a great wife, you did so much for him and you still feel the guilt. Alcohol took his life and if he wasn't willing to help himself, the bottle was going to take his life sooner or later, in fact, in many aspects he was already dead :( If it weren't for you he probably would have died a lot sooner, you were an angel in his life.
I hope you stay strong and grow from this, remember the good times you had, some people are meant to be in our lives for a short time but the sweet memory of them will last forever. I believe he was a good man at heart but alcohol changed his heart and soul. However, this same alcohol addiction made you a better person in a way, and it has been a painful learning experience for you. I hope you can talk to his friends and family members about this, that will help you.
Please hang in there flygirl, you have been so strong up to this point, and you will make it through this too, just give it time.

<3 Stacy

Remember the Alanon c's.....we didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.....I also couldn't watch my XAH kill himself and divorced him. It nearly killed me I was so depressed. I would not be surprized to get that dreaded call. Take care. I am sure you made his passing alot easier.

My heart goes out to you in your grief. My EXAH died at the age of 47. Please be gentle with yourself! :hug:

Flygirl,

I'm so very sorry. My second husband was in the same place (hospital, liver and kidneys shut down, pneumonia, delirium, coma). Somehow he pulled through, but after a few months he went right back to drinking. I couldn't help him and I left. I'm amazed he is still alive.

Love isn't enough to help someone like our husbands. It just isn't. He isn't suffering any longer.

I hope you will be able to work through your grief and loss. This is a horrible disease and it takes far too many good people.

Please stick with Al-Anon and maybe check out some grief counseling. Just remember, there is nothing you could have done to save him.

Hugs,

My ex AW committed suicide by alcohol and I know your pain. I'm sorry for your loss, you did all you could.

I'm so sorry flygirl.

"Weeping may endure for the night, but Joy comes in the morning" He is at peace now so this is my prayer for you.

So sorry for your loss flygirl.

As has been said elsewhere this disease just takes and takes and takes.

There is only so much we can do for our addicted loved ones.

My thoughts are with you at this very tough time.

I do hope you keep posting here.

Thank you for posting your story, especially at this time of sorrow.

I am still with my AH. I fear his story will end the same way, unless his horrible cough from smoking gets him first. He won't quit either, won't seek help, won't visit a doctor.

I can't do much, other than put healthy meals in front of him, which he hardly eats. It is hard to see someone go through this and realize you can't do anything.

It sounds like you eased your husband's passing and he left knowing love.

My heart goes out to. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry...I have a gut feeling, I will be writing the same kind of post as yours someday..

My heart aches for you!!! It really does....

Thank you so much for sharing. Your pain strikes me to my core. As many of us have said, you are just a bit further down the path than some of us, so we know what you are feeling. Love and peace to you. Know that staying or leaving makes no difference to someone hell-bent on drinking--so take that burden of guilt off your shoulders.

Thought and prayers go out to you in your time of loss. I know that feeling of "helplessness" when it comes time to wanting to help our A's. He is in God's hands now. Please take care of yourself..... we are here for you

Four years ago this June, I lost my boyfriend, Richard, to alcoholism. We'd been together for 25 years. And even though I knew in my mind that there was nothing more I could have done to help him, I still felt in my heart that perhaps there was something I missed--one last word of encouragement, a bit of shared wisdom that led to a magical moment of clarity, a little more love thrown his way to help him feel cherished.

Getting my mind and my heart to align themselves was the hard part. That's called acceptance, and that takes time.

Even though you don't believe it today, there was really nothing more you could have done. You did all you could do to help him. You loved him.

Thank you for posting. It warms my heart to know that you feel this a place of comfort for you. I certainly am not a full-time poster but I do, also, feel a strong sense of community here. And your experience is reinforcement of FormerDoormat's Small Town post that Jazzman resurrected.

I am sorry for your loss...deeply sorry. I hope you find peace and comfort throughout your grief.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, it's just tragic how so many die.

We are here for you and we care. Please post as often as you want.

Hugs

I confess, I read your post with tears in my eyes, and they didn't stay there -- your description is exactly what I've imagined for where I will be very shortly. My husband is also 51, and exhibiting all the signs of being in end-stage alcoholism. Sometimes I think the only reason he's still alive is that we keep running out of money, and we don't have any credit lines. I already went through some of the feelings on a lesser level with my uncle, who died at 45 -- I never would have dreamed that I'd be in this position again, but this time with my husband. It's been hard to accept that he has no bottom, and even harder to accept that nothing I can do will make it any better...but then, nothing I can do will make it worse either.

It sounds like he knew you still loved him, and at the end you were the one he wanted by his side -- it's a terrible disease, but we can't hold ourselves accountable for what happens to them. There were good times once, and those are what are worth remembering now.

My condolences (((flygirl))). Such a sad and tragic way to die. I'm so sorry.

Flygirl,
Sorry to hear of your loss. I just became a member tonight. I can imagine the same thing happening in about 10 years, maybe less time, the most important thing to remember is you did not cause this and there is nothing you could have done to make it end any other way.

Dear Flygirl, reading your post was almost exactly like my story from June 9th. I too lost my xah to death. I divorced him for the same reason you did, he was 56, I too left to pick up the peices. it is so hard, I also had his ashes in my house for over and month and then had to bury them in the VA cemetery, I won't even be able to be buried next to him as we were divorced. so much pain, so much grief it's unbearable at times but today I feel a little better and which to let you know that you are not alone. that is what friends and family of A. is all about, being there for each other. I wish to extend my heartfelt sympathy to you...

do you know how much we suffer with the person that is sick? I know now how the worry over him, the financial mess he left me in and the pain the kids are feeling and have been feeling are unbeleiveable. I myself feel some sort of relief. for the last year he was sick I said to myself every time I had contact with him that it would not be over until he died. it's not truly over as I have to mourn and grieve now which is exhausting (isn't it?).

I have joined a grief support group and see a grief therapist, time to pick up the broken peices of my life and I know you are well on your way to starting that process as well. please be good to you now...our alcoholics are at peace now, as much as we loved and wanted to help them we were powerless. screw any guilt you may have...it's not our fault - we didn't cause it and we couldn't cure it, we are not that powerful. this has been the most humbling and powerless experience of my life...love to you Mavis