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Old 07-27-2011, 04:47 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Filed Order of Protection on my husband

After over a month of asking my husband to please get into some treatment, please do this for our family (we have two kids age 5 and 7), etc etc--- all the while he kept going out drinking, hiding beer in the house, lying about his drinking, blaming me, and making tons of empty promises. I told him I couldn't do this any further on Friday and he just got up from thetable and told me Im controlling and he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. I said we had to discuss divorce/separation options. Well, on Sunday night I made dinner and my friend/neighbor came over with her kids. I was such an IDIOT!!! I drank with them, not caring because I felt I should be able to enjoy myself with my friend!!! Well, of course the evening progressed and the two of them were quite hammered. I had my wits about me atleast and told what I thought was my best friend/neighbor how upset his drinking made me. She started defending him and saying that maybe I shouldnt be so controlling and confrontational...I said "Seriously? You're defending him?" I told her to leave after we got into it and she wouldn't leave, she literally followed me into my house to tell me what a bad person I am and how my husband drinks because of me. So I asked her to leave again and she wouldn't. I said I would call the police and my husband was telling me not to call cops, that he'd snap my neck, and was restraining me. They finally left as I started dialing...I called cops anyway. She ended up walking out front with my husband and I looked at her phone. Saw they were texting eachother how "bad they want to kiss" and how they should try and get me drunk so they can be together. I was devastated.
I told the police what was going on, they said he should just stay across street. In the morning, they said I should file an emergency Order of protection.
Both of them denied any cheating and said it was texting and just stupid due to the drinking. I dont care nor do I believe them. Either way it was wrong and this is the 3rd time in our ALMOST ten year marriage I have discovered him being unfaithful. He has hurt me too many times and I will never trust him again. She was my friend and all along I was telling her how sick I felt w his drinking, and how sad I was, i would cry to her all the time and she'd tell me how I should try and work on this with him. What a joke. They are both drunk idiots and I am so stupid for even believing she was my friend.

I did file the order of protection the next morning and he was served today...two days later...and he was liivid. Telling me what a horrible person I am that I would prevent my children from seeing him and I am using them as "pawns" and I am so low. I told him perhaps he should have thought about the consequences of his actions, and that I am merely protecting myself and children from further craziness. His is beyond mad and his parents are livid as well and think I'm the crazy one. He said he never would hurt me and I am a liar and made this all up just to get back at him.
I just need some reassurance and advice from anyone who has gone through this...
I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow with my parents and filing for divorce. I am done with the cheating, lies, betrayal...but so sick inside because I know this is the end. It is hard not even communicating with him and I dont know how this will pan out with bills to be paid, etc. This is just the worst and I am so sick inside. I feel like I'm losing my mind!!!
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Old 07-27-2011, 05:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You did the right thing, he is a manipulator and unfortunately a cheater. They were trying to set you up, to them, it is all a game.

I do understand your pain, no one likes to be betrayed.

Believe me, you will be fine, they deserve each other.
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Old 07-27-2011, 05:32 PM   #3 (permalink)

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You are in a rough spot, but you've already taken some steps to move through it. This helps me a lot at times like these:

Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

Keep reading here and posting, and if you haven't tried Alanon, give it a shot. It's nice to see people face to face that have been where you are and know how you feel, and can offer you support.
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Old 07-27-2011, 05:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sounds like a bad situation.

Try your best to calm down. Take things a step at a time. The bills will get paid, everything will work out. I know your head is spinning right now, but try to BREATHE.

Hugs, it'll be OK, honest.
~ one breath at a time
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.
-Oscar Wilde
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Old 07-27-2011, 05:49 PM   #5 (permalink)

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I'm so very sorry for your double whammy...thankfully your parents are supporting you and going with you to the attorney....listen to him, he will protect your assets and be sure to ask him about how to pay the bills to keep your credit in tact.

it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to pay a visit to your doctor too, stress like this just drain your energy and he/she can recommend a therapist to help get you through this.

as for your "friend", just remember that Karma is a biotch...and what goes around, comes around..and sooner or later her time will come. Hold your head up and try to keep calm. He is the big loser and crazy person, just how low can he and your *friend* go????

I am so sorry for your pain.
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Old 07-27-2011, 06:17 PM   #6 (permalink)

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No one should ever have to go through what you are dealing with. It is cruel, demeaning and demoralizing ... and something you and your children don’t deserve.

Trying to co- parent with an active angry alcoholic has to be one of the toughest challenges there is. You are caught between trying to protect your children and give them a healthier family ... all while riding the roller coaster of promises to change ... followed relapses veiled in deceit, while being on the receiving end of endless blame, denial, lies, anger and manipulation.

A sad situation so overwhelmingly frustrating because, when you share children, it is almost impossible to completely severe ties from this insanity due to custody issues. All while you live in fear of your children’s potential unsupervised visitation with an out of control alcoholic, someone determined to unfairly make you seem like the bad guy and attempting to label you the controlling irrational parent to divert attention away from his own failings.

You have come to the right place - people on this forum understand the insanity and cruel games of alcoholic manipulation that you are dealing with. Evidently his parents and others around him don’t begin to understand how brutal and destructive addiction is to those closest to the alcoholic. It is sad you cannot get his family’s support and compassion ... but you will find it here on this forum.

Keep coming back to SR for knowledge, support and understanding. You and your children do not deserve this life ... and you have done the right thing to start making changes for a healthier future.
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Old 07-27-2011, 06:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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This sucks big time for you. And I agree with everyone, it'll be the best thing in the long run. Stay strong! Don't fall for his lunatic BS. If you don't like the first lawyer, interview others. Stick with the people who support you, and it's GREAT that your parents do!

He's a drunk and a cheater. End of sentence. Run for the hills with your precious babies.

(sometimes I wish I'd take my own advice)
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Old 07-27-2011, 06:47 PM   #8 (permalink)

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Thanks... I am such an idiot for putting up with the cheating and lies for this long, that I regret staying as long as I have. I just cannot believe anything anymore and it hurts. This will be the first time in 16 years I will be spending my birthday without him, and our ten year anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks too. My kids just dont get it and I try and keep the explanations to a minimum. They say "Wheres daddy at?" or "WHy is daddy staying at grandma and grandpas house?" I feel horrible for the kids but I also cannot stay with him and show them that their mother has no spine.
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings, but this one that i went to 3 times, they kept putting me in a separate room with another newcomer to listen to boring tapes...they said they were working steps and concepts that were too far along for me. I need to find a group with some younger people too, everyone is in their 50s, 60s...

I know this is only going to get harder...but trying to take it day by day. So thankful I found this forum, it is truly wonderful to find people here who get it.
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Old 07-27-2011, 06:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Oh what a painful time for you. I think you did the right thing.

I can't say I've ever been in exactly that situation but I certainly remember how overwhelmed, anxious, and sick I felt when I finally made the decision to leave my husband.

Please know that you will be OK. The details get worked out one by one, when they need to be. You are meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. That is the next right thing. Tomorrow you can figure out the next step..and so it goes.

Not communicating with him is a gift. Talking the endless circles of an alcoholic relationship did nothing but confuse me (understatement of the year). Take some time to take a breath, take a break from his quacking, and find some clarity. Keep reading here, find an al anon meeting, get some sleep, play with your kids, etc. I can't remember if you have read the book 'Co dependent No More' but I found it very helpful.
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. - Anais Nin
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
Trudging that road.
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Talking Stay Strong

and Welcome to SR,

I am shocked to read about the Alanon group putting you in a room to listen to tapes while they do steps Do find another group soon. You need support to stay strong through this, and so you won't go back.

My ex was a drunk and a cheater at least the last few years but, I might add I was off doing my own thing w/other substances so it is a bit different in some ways,but I wasn't involved w/anyone else.

Whats not different is the pain I felt when I found out he was doing my upstairs neighbor, and for awhile they tried to make me think it was all me imagining stuff. All I can say is trust your gut it will never, ever, lie to you.

I think it takes great courage to walk away so I for one want to give you a

All I can tell you is it gets better with time I have had it happen more than once with two different guys, so I have been sober and single now a little over 7 years. I have actually been single a little over 10 years. Now I am facing a fear that something is wrong with me, cause I love being alone and the last thing I want is anyone in my life. I think I have went to the other extreme but, I will tell you I am soo much happier. I got a cat cause I don't have kids lol.

You can do this, heck you are doing it, hang in there and keep posting.

Last edited by newby1961; 07-27-2011 at 07:16 PM. Reason: spelling what else lol
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Old 07-28-2011, 07:34 AM   #11 (permalink)

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Thanks, the NO contact due to the Order of Protection is very difficult because I am so angry and hurt and I just laid in bed last night with so many things I wanted to say...I couldnt even sleep!! I have been with him since i have been 16---so almost 17 years and we have talked everyday since so this is beyond difficult for me.
BUT I told myself: Will this help anyone? Will it even change anything?

And I texting him that i know he was with her or me texting him anything is pointless because all I get are lies and excuses anyway. I guess hearing the truth would atleast just reassure me I am NOT crazy but at this point, I'm done with the marriage anyway. He is already posting or changing his status on Facebook to "SEPARATED" so now all our families and friends have been questioning it. How immature...

I have been reading CoDependent No More and I will need to find a new AL-Anon meeting that is closer to me...yes, cassette tapes and the "isolation room' for newcomers to talk...because they are on step 8 and concept 11, they told me that in about 3 weeks I can 'join' them once they go back to "Topics" for a while.
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Old 07-28-2011, 07:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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My stomach lurched when I read what he and your "friend" did. I am so very sorry for your pain, hon.

Know that you've got lots of support here on SR!
DeVon & the Zoo Crew
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Old 07-28-2011, 07:45 AM   #13 (permalink)

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I am so glad that when I made that hard climb up the stairs to my first Alanon meeting that I did not encounter that particular group! They should have encouraged you to go to another meeting if they felt you could not join in. I am sorry that that was your experience with them. Please try other groups. My group was warm and welcoming and I was encouraged to participate, or not, whatever I felt I could do at that time.

I hope you will find lots of useful advice on this Site. Someone posted on another thread: W.A.I.T. Why am I talking? That caused me to take a good look at myself and I think it may become my mantra. Why am I talking? What am I hoping to accomplish? What am I really doing? Is it helpful? Is it important? Am I justifying? Am I rationalizing?

Sorry you are in this tough spot. It will get better. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:05 AM   #14 (permalink)

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He's more concerned with his Facebook status then what he has done to his wife and children??? and his REAL LIFE???

be glad that you are able to get away from him NOW...because it could get worse. He can still be a part of his kid's lives and support them
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:05 AM   #15 (permalink)

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Before I chose a divorce lawyer I interviewed 3 of them before deciding on the one to go with, but that was me. Take it slow and keep breathing, this too shall pass.
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:24 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Yeah, I would not do it how I did it a few months ago... I REACTED in a big way. Asked my corporate attorney for a recommendation on a divorce lawyer and just went with the guy... turned out he was not a good match for me, and it just added anxiety to an already stressful situation.

Take your time, slow down... and breath. There is no rush on any of what you are going through. Reacting leads to us to make hasty decisions that aren't always in line with what we *really* want.

I will say that now (after dragging my behind back to Al-anon!!!) when I feel like I need to do something/make a big/tough decision - my first action is picking up the phone and calling an Al-anon friend. It helps me slow down, stay on level ground and make decisions that honor ME.

The whole divorce/separation process is so painful and confusing... trying to do it alone without healthy support makes it even harder. I'm glad you're here and reaching out! Keep posting b/c we're here for you!

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Old 07-28-2011, 09:32 AM   #17 (permalink)

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Yes, I really wanted to say something to his family like "Im so glad hes so concerned with updating his facebook status instead of getting his act together...' but NOT going to... staying quiet is the best defense in this case, and not stooping to his level.
I'm sure he's trying to come up with every excuse to everyone in the book and bad-mouthing me for filing the order and "preventing him from seeing his kids." I look at it this way, the judge wouldn't grant the request if she didn't feel it was neccessary. I know the truth and know what a destructive path he was headed on and I wasn't going to be a passenger any longer.

This is the biggest lesson to me in my life...
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:09 AM   #18 (permalink)

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My husband is so mad that he cannot see or talk to the kids. I am feeling guilty and bad about it but I also feel like he made the choices he made---he is the one who has been abusing alcohol in the home, hes the one who punched out the porch light, he's the one who didn't want me to call the cops on his "mistress" and allowed her to threaten me in our home.... NOT ME.

So I guess Im just upset and feel bad for the kids at this current time because they are 5 and 7...they don't understand. Meanwhile he's like a teenager posting on facebook: TIME STOLEN MUST BE PAID BACK WITH INTEREST.

Yeah, I wish, about all the time stolen from your kids with our weekends spent with you sleeping or drinking, when we couldn't go places because he'd rather sit around here cooking and eating and drinking? Or all the time stolen from me---staying with a spouse who cheats on me?
Meanwhile I have 2 more weeks of this order and it's not getting any easier!
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:20 AM   #19 (permalink)

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Don't look at his FB as part of your NC. It is only upsetting you and you clearly do not need another stressful factor. Block his account and resist the temptation to even look. He is going to play these mind games with you as long as you allow him to get to you.
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Old 08-01-2011, 10:34 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I am so sorry to hear how things reached the point they did. Your "friend" is a piece of work. Unreal. I am so sorry.

As for his fb posts. I'd print out a page showing some of them to save to show a lawyer (or use to keep up the RO after a month- if it expires after 30 days like ours do) bc that last one about paying back time with interest sounds a bit threatening to me. Maybe I'm reading into everything right now a bit too much but I'd rather be safe than sorry...

Sending you lots of warm thoughts and hugs from a far.
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