Need to vent...grrrrr......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Need to vent...grrrrr......
I just got a call from my AW's social worker at her 3 day a week outpatient rehab program. She was concerned about my AW because she is not getting any family support. I have moved out and both of my adult daughters don't want anything to do with her. I explained to her ( the social worker) about how this has been going on for over 15 years and I was working my own recovery in Al-anon. She then pushed again about family support. I told her I didn't have anything left to give and this was going to end in a divorce. She told me my AW said we were just separated and their was no divorce in the future. She then hinted that maybe I could talk to my daughters to see if they would talk with her. I said no. She finished the call by asking me if I wanted her phone number in case something came up or we needed to talk to her. Again I said no. I felt like I really had to defend my choice to work my own recovery.
The disapproval of my course of action was so obvious and the constant pushing for my AW's need for family support. If I wasn't as solid in my recovery as I am this could have been really upsetting especially with a social worker more or less invalidating my recovery.
Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thank god I had a meeting last night and boxing tonight.
Thanks for letting me share, I feel better already.
Your friend,
The disapproval of my course of action was so obvious and the constant pushing for my AW's need for family support. If I wasn't as solid in my recovery as I am this could have been really upsetting especially with a social worker more or less invalidating my recovery.
Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thank god I had a meeting last night and boxing tonight.
Thanks for letting me share, I feel better already.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 29
Wow - good for you for being so strong and standing up for your recovery! 
(I think I would have felt twinges of obligation.)
You would think somebody who is working with A's would also bother to educate themselves on how the A's behaviors/choices/addiction effect their families and that sometimes the only way to save yourself and your children is to disconnect and walk away from the toxicity. Keep it in persepective - the A isn't the only one who seeks to recover. Hard to believe ... they can quack through a third party.
HUGS to you mike
(I think I would have felt twinges of obligation.) You would think somebody who is working with A's would also bother to educate themselves on how the A's behaviors/choices/addiction effect their families and that sometimes the only way to save yourself and your children is to disconnect and walk away from the toxicity. Keep it in persepective - the A isn't the only one who seeks to recover. Hard to believe ... they can quack through a third party.
HUGS to you mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
It is hard for them to accept when we are really done and it sounds like your wife still has not accepted it. She still thinks you are separated even though you made it clear you are divorcing. I think the social workers just feel bad for them and think they are helping. They did not live through all the A's BS like we did and just cannot understand at this time.
Keep on keeping Mike because you are doing great!!!
Keep on keeping Mike because you are doing great!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: No Surf In Cleveland USA
Posts: 60
Impressed on well you did ! Lets me know I have a long way to go. Next Al-anon meeting I'm getting those books.
I betcha that social worker was a intern newbie. I sure hope so.
Have A Good 1,
I betcha that social worker was a intern newbie. I sure hope so.
Have A Good 1,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
is right! That SW sure could have handled that differently. I think calling you is one thing but to request anything from you without knowing how you felt is pretty ignorant of her. Glad you were able to stay strong!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Keep in mind that "A's" are master manipulators, they cry, they whine, they lie....and not all social workers are as "qualified" as they need to be. I have interfaced with some that are definately in the wrong profession.
You did fine, work on your recovery, her recovery is hers to manage.
You did fine, work on your recovery, her recovery is hers to manage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
obviously the story the AW is telling the SW is vastly different from reality! personally i think it is completely unprofessional, unethical and an invasion of YOUR Privacy for her to have made that call.
i think that's why i really dug AA - the focus of the spotlight was on MY recovery, my shortcomings, my acceptance, my moral inventory, my actions. MY recovery did not require that anybody else do a damn thing, nor insist they SHOULD for MY benefit.
i think that's why i really dug AA - the focus of the spotlight was on MY recovery, my shortcomings, my acceptance, my moral inventory, my actions. MY recovery did not require that anybody else do a damn thing, nor insist they SHOULD for MY benefit.
That said, my therapist never ever said anything about my husband needing family support to stay sober. He emphatically stated the only support he needed was from other recovering alcoholics and I should stay out of the way. Sounds weird to my ears...pretty inappropriate.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Where I live the social worker's program does not cover alcoholism or addiction unless the student requests the extra term and takes the appropriate courses. I couldn't believe it when I first found that out. And yes, the SW sounded like they had no prior experience with active alcoholism.
Sounds like you are rock solid in your recovery! Nice going!
Sounds like you are rock solid in your recovery! Nice going!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Mike,
My AXH kept telling me when he was in rehab that if he failed, it was my fault, because the success rate was X number of times higher for people who had family support compared to people that didn't.
I told him to ask his family to support him, and reminded him I was no longer a part of it.
I would have hung up on that mochafrappuchining social worker.
My AXH kept telling me when he was in rehab that if he failed, it was my fault, because the success rate was X number of times higher for people who had family support compared to people that didn't.
I told him to ask his family to support him, and reminded him I was no longer a part of it.
I would have hung up on that mochafrappuchining social worker.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Thanks for your support everyone. I just got back from boxing and I feel much better. I'm willing to bet that this not going to be the last thing that I have to deal with over the next several months. I have to say that used to worry me but not any more. I'll see how it goes this Saturday as I'm helping her move to a smaller apartment.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
one thing to consider....if you have never spoken to her social worker before, she only knows what your wife has told her...obviously the stories are night and day. she was probably caught off guard, but that is no excuse.
you might be dragging it out if you help your wife move...she interprets your actions differently than you mean them. Is there a friend who will do it for you? just to keep your distance? nothing says "it's over" like staying away for the day.
you might be dragging it out if you help your wife move...she interprets your actions differently than you mean them. Is there a friend who will do it for you? just to keep your distance? nothing says "it's over" like staying away for the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Fandy helping her move is going to save me some money and I'm picking up some stuff I left behind. I picked some up last Saturday and it went well. She even commented about respecting my boundaries. I'm dealing with her much better now. Just don't need any outside interference. I'll know my recovery is really solid when I can handle a call like that without getting angry.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Good job, there!
In this forum, when you add all the years of all of our experience, it probably equals hundreds, or maybe thousands of years. We picked up pretty early on that As are just manipulative, self-centered, selfish people in general and that their words, even in (especially early) recovery, just don't weigh out. Not for awhile. We 'get it'. We know it's a process for them. We know it's a process for us. We can only worry about our own process. Today is our focus. Just today.
In this forum, when you add all the years of all of our experience, it probably equals hundreds, or maybe thousands of years. We picked up pretty early on that As are just manipulative, self-centered, selfish people in general and that their words, even in (especially early) recovery, just don't weigh out. Not for awhile. We 'get it'. We know it's a process for them. We know it's a process for us. We can only worry about our own process. Today is our focus. Just today.
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