Any happy endings after alcoholic has slept around?
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
FWIW, his being honest about his past infidelities does represent a progression of recovery. The degree of recovery can be judged by the following attributes of the admission:
Was the admission made with no deflection of blame (e.g. I wouldn't have cheated if you had been having sex with me)?
Did the admission unflinchingly acknowledge the pain caused to you and did it exhibit a sense of guilt requiring the admission being made (e.g. the admission was not made to inflict more pain)?
Was the admission followed by a sincere apology that included a commitment to never repeat the trespass? Was your forgiveness beseeched?
Was the admission presented in the context of being integral to ongoing recovery and not using apparent recovery as a pretext for delivering the admission?
If the answer to all of the above is "Yes" then your husband is making some real inroads to recovery. How that information weighs on your decision to stay or leave is entirely up to you, however.
Was the admission made with no deflection of blame (e.g. I wouldn't have cheated if you had been having sex with me)?
Did the admission unflinchingly acknowledge the pain caused to you and did it exhibit a sense of guilt requiring the admission being made (e.g. the admission was not made to inflict more pain)?
Was the admission followed by a sincere apology that included a commitment to never repeat the trespass? Was your forgiveness beseeched?
Was the admission presented in the context of being integral to ongoing recovery and not using apparent recovery as a pretext for delivering the admission?
If the answer to all of the above is "Yes" then your husband is making some real inroads to recovery. How that information weighs on your decision to stay or leave is entirely up to you, however.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Eight Ball 
I urge you to get into therapy, IMO you don't sound like someone who has your own best interests at heart. I know because I am coming out of that 'fog' following 18months of therapy. My 'fog' was due to low self esteem following many, many years of verbal abuse and treading on eggshells. Not any more. I know now that I am IMPORTANT! My life is important, my health is important and I DESERVE someone in my life who is going to treat me with respect, who is honest, faithful, kind and considerate etc. I am worthy too.
I started my post saying that 'yes' marriages can survive infidelity but it depends on whether a person is willing to totally accept responsibility for their actions and also willing to do anything to regain the trust lost. Of course it also depends on whether the other 'hurt' party is willing to forgive and forget - eventually. Most non alcoholic marriages would struggle to come back from the brink of infidelity but throw alcoholism in the mix, 4 or 5 affairs, being too drunk to even remember them (BS) and a wife who is willing to put all that behind her.
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RIC - I know just what you mean about having a child and how it makes the decision seem more difficult. I have only been able to get clarity by "removing the kids" from my thinking. My AHs drinking hurts them. It affects them. A divorce would hurt them and affect them too. However, at base, I must "put on my own air mask" before I can help them. I must determine what I need to have peace so that I can be there for them. Only you can decide what that looks like. Just like only I can decide what that looks like for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 15
Thank you to everyone for your replies. You are right about not blaming alcohol for the infidelities but is it possible that someone would behave in a way drunk that they never would sober? When he told me, he said he expected it to be over and that he did not exoect for me to be able to even look at him. I guess the thought of being on my own right now scares me and I would rather have him here than have the added worry and sickness of not knowing where he is. I feel absolutely broken and I wish this wasn't happening. I have no family and very few friends - and none of which I could ever tell about this as I feel so embarassed and pathetic that I am still here and this is happening. I have pasted below the email with him confessing. When he sent this I told him to come home and not stay out drinking and he did. I haven't yelled, shouted or screamed and am just trying to keep it togther and not have my baby pick up on anything.
"I need to take this slowly for your sake - I wanted to call you but I just can't bring myself to say the words.
Firstly, I didn't have my operation - instead I went out and got drunk to numb the pain of the mistakes I've made over the last 10 days. I've done the worst thing imaginable and I can't go on lying to you - I've lied and cheated and behaved in a way that is completely disgusting and I will forever live with the pain of my actions. How I could hurt you and Jack in this way is beyond anything I can understand and I will forever live with the damage and pain that I've created in your life. You are amazing and beautiful and Jack is the most precious thing in the world and I don't know how I can go on living knowing what I've done to you both.
I'm so so sorry - I've destroyed us with my selfish, reckless actions - I don't know what to do - I'm so sorry.
I'm a pure ******* and if i could end it all right now i would. I'm so sorry.
I know this is going to shake you to the core but please think of Jack and don't do anything that could hurt him more than I'm doing right now - I'm so so sorry
I'm out of control!"
"I need to take this slowly for your sake - I wanted to call you but I just can't bring myself to say the words.
Firstly, I didn't have my operation - instead I went out and got drunk to numb the pain of the mistakes I've made over the last 10 days. I've done the worst thing imaginable and I can't go on lying to you - I've lied and cheated and behaved in a way that is completely disgusting and I will forever live with the pain of my actions. How I could hurt you and Jack in this way is beyond anything I can understand and I will forever live with the damage and pain that I've created in your life. You are amazing and beautiful and Jack is the most precious thing in the world and I don't know how I can go on living knowing what I've done to you both.
I'm so so sorry - I've destroyed us with my selfish, reckless actions - I don't know what to do - I'm so sorry.
I'm a pure ******* and if i could end it all right now i would. I'm so sorry.
I know this is going to shake you to the core but please think of Jack and don't do anything that could hurt him more than I'm doing right now - I'm so so sorry
I'm out of control!"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: nc
Posts: 101
Roundincircles .....ALL of us who drink have behaved in ways we never would sober.I do think that putting himself in situations where he COULD cheat ..sober or drunk.. is inexcusable...especially if he knows he has a history of doing "things he never would while sober". You have to think hard about it yourself and wonder if he is using being drunk as an excuse for cheating.Many of us are alcoholics but it doesnt mean we have to go out to bars and risk doing something incredibly stupid...I personally always preferred to drink at home....still doesnt justify my drinking problem but I knew I was safe at home,my family wasnt having to worry about where/how/what I was doing and I wasnt out driving risking other peoples lives because I was drunk. I dont know but it seems like youre wanting someone to tell you you should stay with him...or excuse his actions for you...None of us can do that...its your marriage and you have to decide what you feel like you can live with...even after he stops drinking.Im not normally very forgiving so I couldnt live with it when it was me being cheated on..
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Crushing guilt and remorse never got me sober. Usually it just gave me more of an excuse to feel hopeless and keep getting f'd up. Course, being a drunk and an addict never caused me to cheat on anyone, but I certainly had a ton of guilt to drink away on a regular basis. (excuses).
I'm glad that your baby is so very young, he will likely not remember whats going on now.. unless it's what goes on in his life for the next 18+ years to come.. but that will be your decision to expose him to whatever life you feel is in his best interest.
Please get your butt to alanon (I say this with love).
Whether your husband chooses to pursue recovery with every fiber of his being or not, is his choice and his business. Where you have choice, is whether or not you're ok with exposing yourself and your child to whichever choice HE makes.
I'm glad that your baby is so very young, he will likely not remember whats going on now.. unless it's what goes on in his life for the next 18+ years to come.. but that will be your decision to expose him to whatever life you feel is in his best interest.
Please get your butt to alanon (I say this with love).
Whether your husband chooses to pursue recovery with every fiber of his being or not, is his choice and his business. Where you have choice, is whether or not you're ok with exposing yourself and your child to whichever choice HE makes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I can't believe he wrote this! I don't want to sound unfeeling but it's hard enough to be married to an active alcoholic which you know much less him cheating on you and blaming the alcohol and not once but 5 times! Roundincircles if the fear of being on your own with a baby is keeping you where you are at please it won't be as bad as where you are at now. No one should be treated like that and then make excuses while he's stabbing you in the heart, ugh.
Sorry that I just lost it.
Sorry that I just lost it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can identify with feeling more scared of being alone than staying in the same situation.
That kept me stuck for 5 hellish miserable years.
Never again.
I'd rather be alone than lower my bar of standards for the sake of having a partner in life.
That kept me stuck for 5 hellish miserable years.
Never again.
I'd rather be alone than lower my bar of standards for the sake of having a partner in life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Even if I could forgive the serial cheating, I don't think that I would be comfortable opening up myself to the risk of disease on a continuing basis.
I'm taking microbiology right now and boy there are some nasty STDs, both in a bacterial or viral form, that can be easily acquired from an infected partner.
My guess is if he is that out of control, he is not picking partners carefully nor is he using condoms.
So even if he isn't doing it "on purpose" to harm you emotionally (which it obviously is) he sure as heck isn't protecting your health.
Who will take care of your darling boy if you are both sick?
In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, this is a very basic practical concern which should be addressed regardless of what you want to do about the emotional issues.
I'm taking microbiology right now and boy there are some nasty STDs, both in a bacterial or viral form, that can be easily acquired from an infected partner.
My guess is if he is that out of control, he is not picking partners carefully nor is he using condoms.
So even if he isn't doing it "on purpose" to harm you emotionally (which it obviously is) he sure as heck isn't protecting your health.
Who will take care of your darling boy if you are both sick?
In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, this is a very basic practical concern which should be addressed regardless of what you want to do about the emotional issues.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I can identify with feeling more scared of being alone than staying in the same situation.
That kept me stuck for 5 hellish miserable years.
Never again.
I'd rather be alone than lower my bar of standards for the sake of having a partner in life.
That kept me stuck for 5 hellish miserable years.
Never again.
I'd rather be alone than lower my bar of standards for the sake of having a partner in life.
Kept me in an unhappy marriage for way too long.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, here are a few tidbits:
50% of children of alcoholics marry alcoholics.
70% develop a pattern of compulsive behavior, such as addiction or codependency.
As adults, children of alcoholics/addicts suffer from depression, anxiety, impulsive behavior and a negative self image.
Trauma in childhood can seriously impact a childs development and have long lasting negative effects on their mental stability.
No matter how you cut it, children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. Children hear and see everything, although most internalize their fears and confusion.
What you do with your life is up to you, however, you are not alone in this mess, you have a child that should be your priorty.
50% of children of alcoholics marry alcoholics.
70% develop a pattern of compulsive behavior, such as addiction or codependency.
As adults, children of alcoholics/addicts suffer from depression, anxiety, impulsive behavior and a negative self image.
Trauma in childhood can seriously impact a childs development and have long lasting negative effects on their mental stability.
No matter how you cut it, children carry their childhood experiences into adulthood. Children hear and see everything, although most internalize their fears and confusion.
What you do with your life is up to you, however, you are not alone in this mess, you have a child that should be your priorty.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
I made the decision to file for divorce and finding a series of sextexts my AH sent to some women he met in rehab was part of that decision. He too was very sorry. He too claimed to be out of control. He also said how beautiful and precious I am and how much the children meant to him. And yet he never said he would address his alcoholism or get help for his addiction. All he wanted was me to forgive him so he could continue drinking.
You deserve a husband who tells the truth. You deserve peace in your home. Your son deserves a role model to show him how to treat women and how to be a man.
I am scared to be on my own too but my house is peaceful and honesty has returned. And never again will I allow myself to think it is ok for my husband to send sexy texts to other women because he was drinking and not himself. I wish you all the best because you are worth it.
You deserve a husband who tells the truth. You deserve peace in your home. Your son deserves a role model to show him how to treat women and how to be a man.
I am scared to be on my own too but my house is peaceful and honesty has returned. And never again will I allow myself to think it is ok for my husband to send sexy texts to other women because he was drinking and not himself. I wish you all the best because you are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I know this is going to shake you to the core but please think of Jack and don't do anything that could hurt him more than I'm doing right now - I'm so so sorry
I don't know your husband, but this reeks of manipulation. There should be no consequences for his actions because that "could hurt (the baby) more..."??? So now you are hurting the baby if your react to his bad behaviour?? Wow!
I think he just unloaded his guilty feelings and put them on your shoulders.
I am sorry you are in this mess. Read these boards, go to Alanon, and do what feels appropriate for you and your son.
I don't know your husband, but this reeks of manipulation. There should be no consequences for his actions because that "could hurt (the baby) more..."??? So now you are hurting the baby if your react to his bad behaviour?? Wow!
I think he just unloaded his guilty feelings and put them on your shoulders.
I am sorry you are in this mess. Read these boards, go to Alanon, and do what feels appropriate for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
roundincircles
I had a long write out all set and I lost it.
It boiled down to this though. It does not matter if alcohol is in the equation or not:
You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I know that is an Al-Anon saying but for me it applied to the situation of alcohol use and an affair.
Also regardless of if alcohol and affairs are related for me my feelings about his use of alcohol and his affair were similar and were coming up at the same time (thus for me they were related). For me that was the only thing that mattered in teh long run.
I had a long write out all set and I lost it.
It boiled down to this though. It does not matter if alcohol is in the equation or not:
You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I know that is an Al-Anon saying but for me it applied to the situation of alcohol use and an affair.
Also regardless of if alcohol and affairs are related for me my feelings about his use of alcohol and his affair were similar and were coming up at the same time (thus for me they were related). For me that was the only thing that mattered in teh long run.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
A few years ago I began to question my decision to remain childless. It was a little late to be considering it; I had already started menopause. I regretted, at that time, the fact that I had no children and many of my friends were enjoying their children and grandchildren.
After a few days, I started thinking about it differently. I had not continued the pattern in my family of raising children to think of excess drinking as "normal." I didn't bring a little girl up to think that she should accept second place to the bottle. I didn't raise a boy to think that getting drunk every night was okay, that losing three jobs in six years was just how people lived.
The previous posters are correct in that separating or divorcing doesn't mean your child will grow up "without a father." As long as you don't move away for a job or a new relationship, your child's father has the option to remain active in his life.
Your husband strikes me as very manipulative to tell you this and somehow hold you accountable for the fallout. He's made it a win/win for himself. If you tell him to pack his bags, you're the ogre who threw him out. If you don't, you are tacitly accepting that infidelity is forgivable as long as he was drunk when it happened.
After a few days, I started thinking about it differently. I had not continued the pattern in my family of raising children to think of excess drinking as "normal." I didn't bring a little girl up to think that she should accept second place to the bottle. I didn't raise a boy to think that getting drunk every night was okay, that losing three jobs in six years was just how people lived.
The previous posters are correct in that separating or divorcing doesn't mean your child will grow up "without a father." As long as you don't move away for a job or a new relationship, your child's father has the option to remain active in his life.
Your husband strikes me as very manipulative to tell you this and somehow hold you accountable for the fallout. He's made it a win/win for himself. If you tell him to pack his bags, you're the ogre who threw him out. If you don't, you are tacitly accepting that infidelity is forgivable as long as he was drunk when it happened.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi round,
So did you have the HIV/STD test done?
I hope you start going to therapy if you haven't gone already.
By his actions he is basically saying he doesn't care if he gets HIV, he doesn't care if he infects you, he doesn't care if the baby grows up without the parents.
You say you don't want your child to grow up without a father, where is that father? the child does not have one at the moment anyway. Sorry if this sounded harsh... this is just what I see.
So did you have the HIV/STD test done?
I hope you start going to therapy if you haven't gone already.
By his actions he is basically saying he doesn't care if he gets HIV, he doesn't care if he infects you, he doesn't care if the baby grows up without the parents.
You say you don't want your child to grow up without a father, where is that father? the child does not have one at the moment anyway. Sorry if this sounded harsh... this is just what I see.
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