Relapse - just need to get a few things out and what do I do now?
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Relapse - just need to get a few things out and what do I do now?
Sorry in advance as this may end up being more of a vent/ purge rather than a constructive post! But I do have a few questions at the end, so please feel free to skip the first paragraphs 
So, (R?)AH made it almost a year. Just the other day I was thinking how nice it's been lately. Even though we've hit an occasional bump here or there, it was never anything major, until tonight! I guess that's what happens, people get comfortable in the new situation and forget all the craziness from their past! I guess I should have known this day would come... I just didn't think it was gonna be here this soon.
I've moved back in with AH several months ago, after he'd been sober for a while. It's been good for the most part... we made the new apt. our home - decorated it, kept it clean, turned it into a nice cozy place.
I was upset last night because he called me a name and so we hardly spoke since then. I was working late tonight and when I got home I asked if he wanted to talk - he didn't, so I left him alone and went to bed early. At 2:30 am I woke up to someone yelling (? wasn't sure exactly what it was because my fan is pretty loud, but thought it came from outside). I got up anyways and walked into the living room, where I found AH sitting on the couch with headphones on, a duster spray (!!!) in his hand, and half asleep. I took the spray out of his hand and asked him what was going on. He said that he was dusting (lol) and is now going to sleep, but his look answered it all. He had this expression on his face that he only has when he's really high or drunk. So I gave him a look and left... a few minutes later I decided to get my book from the living room, since I couldn't sleep anymore. I glanced over to where AH was sitting and then I saw the empty bottle. I walked over there and picked it up just to be sure... and sure enough I was holding an empty whiskey bottle in my hand!!!! I looked at him and then just walked back into the bedroom. He came into the bedroom a few min later saying "he misses me" and "he was sorry" and all I said in a very calm voice was that I didn't want to talk to him right now and would appreciate him not coming in here tonight. He said he knew and would stay in the living room. After that I heard him huffing (?) some more duster spray (WOW, I can't believe he's adding that to his addictions now... I mean, really???). And almost started throwing up from all the fumes (and alcohol I'm sure) afterwards.
AAAAARRGH, I really just want to scream. I wish I could be as calm on the inside as I am on the outside right now!!! But, I just have a thousand thoughts running through my head, like the fact that this bedroom doesn't even have a lock and even worse: that I'm even considering needing to lock myself into the bedroom again, or: should I tell my friends (so I won't get stuck in secrecy about it), or: what's the reason behind him starting to drink again after being sober for almost a year (Yes, I know I know the answer to that question is because he's an A and wasn't very active in recovery these past 7+ months).
I guess more important right now is, what's my game plan. How long do I give him before I move out? How long do people usually wait after a relapse (this is the longest he's ever been sober, so I'm kinda new to the whole relapse idea)? I guess I was thinking I'd give him tomorrow and the day after... if he doesn't have his sh*t together by then I'll pack a bag and temporarily move out and figure out what to do from there. Should I wait longer? Should I leave sooner (tomorrow)?? I don't know what to do... how do I handle this? I do know that I'm going to go on with MY life, but how do I react as far as moving goes (and then when do I take my furniture with me? - because this time I'm not leaving all the furniture behind... I just bought new furniture when I moved back in)? My head's spinning right now!!!! Advice pleeaase!!!!
So, (R?)AH made it almost a year. Just the other day I was thinking how nice it's been lately. Even though we've hit an occasional bump here or there, it was never anything major, until tonight! I guess that's what happens, people get comfortable in the new situation and forget all the craziness from their past! I guess I should have known this day would come... I just didn't think it was gonna be here this soon.
I've moved back in with AH several months ago, after he'd been sober for a while. It's been good for the most part... we made the new apt. our home - decorated it, kept it clean, turned it into a nice cozy place.
I was upset last night because he called me a name and so we hardly spoke since then. I was working late tonight and when I got home I asked if he wanted to talk - he didn't, so I left him alone and went to bed early. At 2:30 am I woke up to someone yelling (? wasn't sure exactly what it was because my fan is pretty loud, but thought it came from outside). I got up anyways and walked into the living room, where I found AH sitting on the couch with headphones on, a duster spray (!!!) in his hand, and half asleep. I took the spray out of his hand and asked him what was going on. He said that he was dusting (lol) and is now going to sleep, but his look answered it all. He had this expression on his face that he only has when he's really high or drunk. So I gave him a look and left... a few minutes later I decided to get my book from the living room, since I couldn't sleep anymore. I glanced over to where AH was sitting and then I saw the empty bottle. I walked over there and picked it up just to be sure... and sure enough I was holding an empty whiskey bottle in my hand!!!! I looked at him and then just walked back into the bedroom. He came into the bedroom a few min later saying "he misses me" and "he was sorry" and all I said in a very calm voice was that I didn't want to talk to him right now and would appreciate him not coming in here tonight. He said he knew and would stay in the living room. After that I heard him huffing (?) some more duster spray (WOW, I can't believe he's adding that to his addictions now... I mean, really???). And almost started throwing up from all the fumes (and alcohol I'm sure) afterwards.
AAAAARRGH, I really just want to scream. I wish I could be as calm on the inside as I am on the outside right now!!! But, I just have a thousand thoughts running through my head, like the fact that this bedroom doesn't even have a lock and even worse: that I'm even considering needing to lock myself into the bedroom again, or: should I tell my friends (so I won't get stuck in secrecy about it), or: what's the reason behind him starting to drink again after being sober for almost a year (Yes, I know I know the answer to that question is because he's an A and wasn't very active in recovery these past 7+ months).
I guess more important right now is, what's my game plan. How long do I give him before I move out? How long do people usually wait after a relapse (this is the longest he's ever been sober, so I'm kinda new to the whole relapse idea)? I guess I was thinking I'd give him tomorrow and the day after... if he doesn't have his sh*t together by then I'll pack a bag and temporarily move out and figure out what to do from there. Should I wait longer? Should I leave sooner (tomorrow)?? I don't know what to do... how do I handle this? I do know that I'm going to go on with MY life, but how do I react as far as moving goes (and then when do I take my furniture with me? - because this time I'm not leaving all the furniture behind... I just bought new furniture when I moved back in)? My head's spinning right now!!!! Advice pleeaase!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, Lotus,
Relapse is very disappointing--not only for you, but for him, too.
What "other people" "usually" do isn't relevant here. We can share our ES&H, but only you can decide what's best for you and your situation.
Different people have different tolerance levels. Relapse isn't unheard of even in people who eventually get good sobriety. Sometimes it is the wakeup call that they need. Of course, it wreaks havoc on the people around them.
I don't see that you have to make your decision right this minute. My suggestion is that you wait a bit (unless, of course, the situation is unbearable) and start considering your options. If you aren't already in Al-Anon, this might be a great time to start.
Believe me, I know how upsetting and scary it is when something like this happens. Keep doing what's best for you and things will work out OK.
Relapse is very disappointing--not only for you, but for him, too.
What "other people" "usually" do isn't relevant here. We can share our ES&H, but only you can decide what's best for you and your situation.
Different people have different tolerance levels. Relapse isn't unheard of even in people who eventually get good sobriety. Sometimes it is the wakeup call that they need. Of course, it wreaks havoc on the people around them.
I don't see that you have to make your decision right this minute. My suggestion is that you wait a bit (unless, of course, the situation is unbearable) and start considering your options. If you aren't already in Al-Anon, this might be a great time to start.
Believe me, I know how upsetting and scary it is when something like this happens. Keep doing what's best for you and things will work out OK.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Lotus,
Thanks for the update on you. I'm sorry that your A has relapsed.
I do understand the feeling of all the old feelings washing over you. On the inside, I was screaming "not this again". It was also like a familiar blanket. I knew these feelings. I had had them around a long time. Just didn't need to keep them on the surface lately. And now here they are again.
I have been divorced 2 years. My AXH got sober at the time of the divorce. We kept in touch. (lived 200 miles away). After about a year of his sobriety, we experimented with a long distance relationship.
That's when I was given the opportunity to pull out my old feelings and freshen them up for another round.
My AXH was drinking and lying about it. It was easy to hide as he lived so far away. The truth came out when his cell phone hip-dialed me from a bar. Then he lied the next day and said he fell asleep on his couch. I called him out on his BS. He still denied lying. I told him to check his phone.
That feeling of being lied to was the most painful. I value openness and honesty. There was also the feeling of being replaced by alcohol. Feeding the addiction was the priority, and I was just an option. Ugh.
I cant tell you what to do Lotus, but I can tell you I understand. I did not have to seperate households or make any changes other than going NO Contact.
Sending you support and encouragement.
You will be ok! (((hugs)))
Thanks for the update on you. I'm sorry that your A has relapsed.
I do understand the feeling of all the old feelings washing over you. On the inside, I was screaming "not this again". It was also like a familiar blanket. I knew these feelings. I had had them around a long time. Just didn't need to keep them on the surface lately. And now here they are again.
I have been divorced 2 years. My AXH got sober at the time of the divorce. We kept in touch. (lived 200 miles away). After about a year of his sobriety, we experimented with a long distance relationship.
That's when I was given the opportunity to pull out my old feelings and freshen them up for another round.
My AXH was drinking and lying about it. It was easy to hide as he lived so far away. The truth came out when his cell phone hip-dialed me from a bar. Then he lied the next day and said he fell asleep on his couch. I called him out on his BS. He still denied lying. I told him to check his phone.
That feeling of being lied to was the most painful. I value openness and honesty. There was also the feeling of being replaced by alcohol. Feeding the addiction was the priority, and I was just an option. Ugh.
I cant tell you what to do Lotus, but I can tell you I understand. I did not have to seperate households or make any changes other than going NO Contact.
Sending you support and encouragement.
You will be ok! (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I have no ESH but wanted to send you some virtual support. I'm having a bit of a physical reaction just reading your post so I can't imagine how crazy it feels to live it.
The only thought that came to my mind is that you can take some time to go to some meetings, do some thinking, etc. You don't have to rush and react immediately but can make a thoughtful decision that feels right for *you*.
The only thought that came to my mind is that you can take some time to go to some meetings, do some thinking, etc. You don't have to rush and react immediately but can make a thoughtful decision that feels right for *you*.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I have a zero tolerance policy for anyone drinking/using in my home.
My AD was very clever and did manage to hide it for awhile.
Once I found out, that was it. She was out the door in less than 5 minutes.
My boundaries may seem harsh, but I don't wait for someone to "straighten out."
Just my two cents.
Sending you hugs of support.
My AD was very clever and did manage to hide it for awhile.
Once I found out, that was it. She was out the door in less than 5 minutes.
My boundaries may seem harsh, but I don't wait for someone to "straighten out."
Just my two cents.
Sending you hugs of support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: RI
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I have a zero tolerance policy for anyone drinking/using in my home.
My AD was very clever and did manage to hide it for awhile.
Once I found out, that was it. She was out the door in less than 5 minutes.
My boundaries may seem harsh, but I don't wait for someone to "straighten out."
Just my two cents.
Sending you hugs of support.
My AD was very clever and did manage to hide it for awhile.
Once I found out, that was it. She was out the door in less than 5 minutes.
My boundaries may seem harsh, but I don't wait for someone to "straighten out."
Just my two cents.
Sending you hugs of support.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What were your bounderies when you moved back in with him? That is the key.
He can't get his sh#t together in a day or two. He has now added another addiction to the mix. The only way he will get better is if he finally decides that he wants recovery more than anyone or anything else in life.
He is sick, you cannot help him, it is all up to him.
He can't get his sh#t together in a day or two. He has now added another addiction to the mix. The only way he will get better is if he finally decides that he wants recovery more than anyone or anything else in life.
He is sick, you cannot help him, it is all up to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thank you all so, so much for your responses and ESH! I've had an ok day at work today, even though I've been up since 230am and didn't get much sleep last night 
I didn't think much about AH or last night while at work, though I have to admit that I wasn't too excited of getting to go home after work was done, as I didn't know what to expect. When I got home I still wasn't sure what to do (stay or leave). So I read all your responses, thought about them for a while, thought about my boundaries and then went into the bedroom to ask if AH wanted to talk about things. I let him do most of the talking (which is something that needs to happen more often) and then in a very, very calm and matter of fact kinda tone explained what my expectations and boundaries are. Unfortunately legally this is HIS apt and I can't make him leave, so it will be on me to go when/if this happens again. I told him that him drinking is not an option anymore and that I will leave if he continues to do so (starting tomorrow if need be). He agreed saying it's not an option for him either and that he doesn't want this. I do believe that he doesn't feel good about relapsing, but I guess tomorrow will show if he was just quacking or if he'll follow through with what he said! If there's any indication of him drinking or being drunk, I have every intention of packing a bag and leave.
Thinking back to last night, I guess the one thing that I found really shocking was the fact the he was huffing! I was, at least on some level, expecting to find him drinking one of these days, but I would have never ever thought I'd find him huffing!!!
I didn't think much about AH or last night while at work, though I have to admit that I wasn't too excited of getting to go home after work was done, as I didn't know what to expect. When I got home I still wasn't sure what to do (stay or leave). So I read all your responses, thought about them for a while, thought about my boundaries and then went into the bedroom to ask if AH wanted to talk about things. I let him do most of the talking (which is something that needs to happen more often) and then in a very, very calm and matter of fact kinda tone explained what my expectations and boundaries are. Unfortunately legally this is HIS apt and I can't make him leave, so it will be on me to go when/if this happens again. I told him that him drinking is not an option anymore and that I will leave if he continues to do so (starting tomorrow if need be). He agreed saying it's not an option for him either and that he doesn't want this. I do believe that he doesn't feel good about relapsing, but I guess tomorrow will show if he was just quacking or if he'll follow through with what he said! If there's any indication of him drinking or being drunk, I have every intention of packing a bag and leave.
Thinking back to last night, I guess the one thing that I found really shocking was the fact the he was huffing! I was, at least on some level, expecting to find him drinking one of these days, but I would have never ever thought I'd find him huffing!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Well... but then again I guess there have been several things in the past I thought he or I would never ever do...
anyways, I'm starting to get tired and think I'm starting to ramble. Thanks again to all of you! Lots of love being send your way
anyways, I'm starting to get tired and think I'm starting to ramble. Thanks again to all of you! Lots of love being send your way
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 37
My ex-ABF had 6 months of sobriety and relapsed two weeks ago today. He drank for three days straight and on the fourth day we had a good, long talk. I made it perfectly clear that I was not willing to go back to living the life of an A's girlfriend. I had served my time willingly before but not again. He said that he would not drink anymore as having me in his life was his wish. I hoped that this would just be a short-lived relapse and decided to give our relationship one last chance. He lasted five days.
Today is the first day in the past two weeks that I have truly had clarity about this situation. I no longer want to be his "soulmate", his "life-partner", his "best friend".
I am not sad anymore about the end of our relationship. I am sad for him though. I really am afraid that he is going to be one of those A's that never get sober and lives out the rest of his life in misery. I don't wish that for him but, at this point, I can't see a happy future for him.
Me? I'm going to take this opportunity to get on with living my life without the burden of his sickness wearing me down.
Peace.
Maureen
Today is the first day in the past two weeks that I have truly had clarity about this situation. I no longer want to be his "soulmate", his "life-partner", his "best friend".
I am not sad anymore about the end of our relationship. I am sad for him though. I really am afraid that he is going to be one of those A's that never get sober and lives out the rest of his life in misery. I don't wish that for him but, at this point, I can't see a happy future for him.
Me? I'm going to take this opportunity to get on with living my life without the burden of his sickness wearing me down.
Peace.
Maureen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My XAH relapsed 3 weeks ago after 11 months sober. I saw it coming 3 months before he took the first drink and had a discussion with him about my observations and concerns. He quacked about how he no longer needed regular AA meetings and mapped out his own personal recovery plan. I wrote it out on a piece of paper and we discussed our relapse plan if "his recovery plan" failed.
Because of the many evenings spent reading posts on this forum, helpful books and Alanon I was able to detach and not nag or try to control the situation. I simply set the boundaries for myself and watched his slide backwards until the day I discovered the empty vodka bottle in his bag. I picked him up and attempted to take him to detox but he insisted he wasn't drinking (quack) and made me take him to his mother's instead.
I went home and packed all of his stuff and put it into storage and the next day his mother called and said he drank their bar dry and she put him out... he promptly went on a 3 week bender.
He is sober now but it is way too late for me... he made some really bad decisions back 3 months ago and I am uncoupling from his train that derails itself on a way too regular basis.
If you love him something awful and think he is the only man on the planet that could ever make you happy and he is incredibly dedicated to giving a 150 % into his recovery program and you are a gambler at heart you might want to give it a chance.... but the odds are about as good as getting hit by lightning 7 times in a row on the same day that it will work out to a "happily ever after".
Heck.... relationships have a huge failure rate even when both partners are sober... what are we thinking when we try to make it work with a delusional, broken active alcoholic?
Maybe slightly better odds than that ... but not by much. If you give it a go set strong boundaries and say what mean and mean what you say and do what you say when it comes times to take action to protect yourself.
Take care of YOU! Hugs and prayers your way. It does get better when you map out a sensible course for yourself.
Because of the many evenings spent reading posts on this forum, helpful books and Alanon I was able to detach and not nag or try to control the situation. I simply set the boundaries for myself and watched his slide backwards until the day I discovered the empty vodka bottle in his bag. I picked him up and attempted to take him to detox but he insisted he wasn't drinking (quack) and made me take him to his mother's instead.
I went home and packed all of his stuff and put it into storage and the next day his mother called and said he drank their bar dry and she put him out... he promptly went on a 3 week bender.
He is sober now but it is way too late for me... he made some really bad decisions back 3 months ago and I am uncoupling from his train that derails itself on a way too regular basis.
If you love him something awful and think he is the only man on the planet that could ever make you happy and he is incredibly dedicated to giving a 150 % into his recovery program and you are a gambler at heart you might want to give it a chance.... but the odds are about as good as getting hit by lightning 7 times in a row on the same day that it will work out to a "happily ever after".
Heck.... relationships have a huge failure rate even when both partners are sober... what are we thinking when we try to make it work with a delusional, broken active alcoholic?
Maybe slightly better odds than that ... but not by much. If you give it a go set strong boundaries and say what mean and mean what you say and do what you say when it comes times to take action to protect yourself.
Take care of YOU! Hugs and prayers your way. It does get better when you map out a sensible course for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thanks for sharing your experience Masu and Hope!
Well it looks like I'll be packing my bag tomorrow after all! I guess not too much of a surprise as I know that once he starts he has a hard time putting the bottle down. Nevertheless, I could still use some supportive words right now, because even though I know better, his begging words do still get to me on some level. He just came into the room and said things like "you're my wife and my best friend... please don't leave... I will fall apart if you leave and I don't want that..." And then those old worries kick in again - and I'm scared something may happen to him if I leave and he'll end up accidentally killing himself without anyone around to keep him from it. AND then there's that stupid hope that bubbles up, thinking what he'll follow through and if I stay he will quit.
ohh, this reminds me of GiveLove's advice several months (a year?) ago ""...if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies."
I guess I should print this out and carry it around with me for a few days to remind myself every time I feel those doubts rise up again. He has pulled himself out of this before without me... if he really wants to he can do it again! I can't be his only support system (which is something I've told him several months ago, when I told him that I find it scary that he doesn't have a good (or any) support system in place).
Ok... it's 1:30 am and I need to try to get back to sleep now, because I have to get up in 5 1/2 hrs.... argh I hate having a messed up sleep schedule.
Well it looks like I'll be packing my bag tomorrow after all! I guess not too much of a surprise as I know that once he starts he has a hard time putting the bottle down. Nevertheless, I could still use some supportive words right now, because even though I know better, his begging words do still get to me on some level. He just came into the room and said things like "you're my wife and my best friend... please don't leave... I will fall apart if you leave and I don't want that..." And then those old worries kick in again - and I'm scared something may happen to him if I leave and he'll end up accidentally killing himself without anyone around to keep him from it. AND then there's that stupid hope that bubbles up, thinking what he'll follow through and if I stay he will quit.
ohh, this reminds me of GiveLove's advice several months (a year?) ago ""...if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies."
I guess I should print this out and carry it around with me for a few days to remind myself every time I feel those doubts rise up again. He has pulled himself out of this before without me... if he really wants to he can do it again! I can't be his only support system (which is something I've told him several months ago, when I told him that I find it scary that he doesn't have a good (or any) support system in place).
Ok... it's 1:30 am and I need to try to get back to sleep now, because I have to get up in 5 1/2 hrs.... argh I hate having a messed up sleep schedule.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Lotus,
I have so been where you are at! It tears you apart because they will DIE if you don't save them is what our loving codie self tells us... and sadly, they may die if they do not shake themselves out of their destructive path and get off the alcoholic crazy train.
When I packed up my XAH he didn't even realize it for two weeks he was so drunk in motel rooms ... just checked himself off the planet for a binge. But when he did figure out it was OVER and I was not going to rescue him it only took a few days for him to figure out that he better rescue himself! Honestly this is the first time that it wasn't a hospital bed or jail cell that stopped the drinking... he actually managed to stop drinking on his own! I guess the 300 AA meetings and 5 1/2 months in treatment did provide him with the needed tools that he could have used to stay sober in the first place.
My point is that our hovering over them cripples them and allows them to keep taking us hostage and we willingly careen along with them on the crazy train! Get off at the next station!!!! Do it now! It may be the wake up call he NEEDS ... if he cannot handle life without you he needs to go into treatment until he can. You don't need a child ... you need a partner ... an equal partner that supports you just like you support him!
Give him the dignity to succeed or fail on his own but that you have to rethink your own future and need time away and off the crazy train ... and quite frankly you do. Being in the middle of the "crisis" and responsible for a life and death situation is very draining and emotionally devastating.
Honey... I am so free right now... and I was just where you are. Wringing my hands and worrying myself to death that he would simply die if I didn't save him from his "disease". I helped him and helped him and helped him ...for 3 long years. Out of those 3 long years of active recovery there was more drinking than sobriety... the best time out of all of it was right after he came out of rehab... he was FIRED up and surrounded himself with "winners" who invested a lot of their energy into helping complete the steps and work on himself. We had 3 GREAT months and then he started to go to less meetings and his Big Book gathered more dust ... he grew more focused on other less important things.
If your A isn't a person who you can picture diligently working on his inward self... his core person... his character defects... and declaring all out war on his disease then your hand wringing and worry is all for nothing....only HE can change his future! All your worry won't change a thing...it is beyond human aid or help.
I don't know if you are a praying person but I turned my A over to God ... and you know I really believe that God has got a lot better chance of solving that man's serious issues than I ever could! lol
My guy might even make it ... heck... he has been working like a slave rehabbing a house for the last week (he is now 10 days sober) and I couldn't get him to lift a hand at our house! There is something gratifying about seeing a lazy ex sweat and do a good days work ...lol. This has been GOOD for his recovery... he is now in contact with his strong recovery circle and is back in meetings.
Is he really going to make it... ???? I don't think so as I think he will lose sight of the ball again when it gets comfortable... what I am seeing now is that this is part of his core nature that the alcoholism makes life threatening. His recovery is still not the most important part of his lifestyle choices and I think he is someone who must stay very, very active in a recovery mode to keep himself reminded how easy it is to pick up a drink.
So... forget the alcohol for a minute. Is your A a strong person? Or is he weak willed? Does he have follow through or does he talk (quack) a good game that goes nowhere? Is he the kind of guy you want next to you if TSHTF ... tornadoe, flood, war, famine, sickness, etc????
I admit it... I have a bad picker. Always have. ACOA and highly controlling person. Thats me. So... I have to work on myself... I know my weaknesses and I am in recovery. I am BETTER ... I am HAPPY to be FREE!!!! And you can be too... get some distance and weather the chemicals in your brain and your hormones and it will get better. Detach... Detach... Detach!!! Pull the cord and jump!
Hugs and prayers to you... soldier on girlfriend!!!! You are not alone in the fight to be free!
I have so been where you are at! It tears you apart because they will DIE if you don't save them is what our loving codie self tells us... and sadly, they may die if they do not shake themselves out of their destructive path and get off the alcoholic crazy train.
When I packed up my XAH he didn't even realize it for two weeks he was so drunk in motel rooms ... just checked himself off the planet for a binge. But when he did figure out it was OVER and I was not going to rescue him it only took a few days for him to figure out that he better rescue himself! Honestly this is the first time that it wasn't a hospital bed or jail cell that stopped the drinking... he actually managed to stop drinking on his own! I guess the 300 AA meetings and 5 1/2 months in treatment did provide him with the needed tools that he could have used to stay sober in the first place.
My point is that our hovering over them cripples them and allows them to keep taking us hostage and we willingly careen along with them on the crazy train! Get off at the next station!!!! Do it now! It may be the wake up call he NEEDS ... if he cannot handle life without you he needs to go into treatment until he can. You don't need a child ... you need a partner ... an equal partner that supports you just like you support him!
Give him the dignity to succeed or fail on his own but that you have to rethink your own future and need time away and off the crazy train ... and quite frankly you do. Being in the middle of the "crisis" and responsible for a life and death situation is very draining and emotionally devastating.
Honey... I am so free right now... and I was just where you are. Wringing my hands and worrying myself to death that he would simply die if I didn't save him from his "disease". I helped him and helped him and helped him ...for 3 long years. Out of those 3 long years of active recovery there was more drinking than sobriety... the best time out of all of it was right after he came out of rehab... he was FIRED up and surrounded himself with "winners" who invested a lot of their energy into helping complete the steps and work on himself. We had 3 GREAT months and then he started to go to less meetings and his Big Book gathered more dust ... he grew more focused on other less important things.
If your A isn't a person who you can picture diligently working on his inward self... his core person... his character defects... and declaring all out war on his disease then your hand wringing and worry is all for nothing....only HE can change his future! All your worry won't change a thing...it is beyond human aid or help.
I don't know if you are a praying person but I turned my A over to God ... and you know I really believe that God has got a lot better chance of solving that man's serious issues than I ever could! lol
My guy might even make it ... heck... he has been working like a slave rehabbing a house for the last week (he is now 10 days sober) and I couldn't get him to lift a hand at our house! There is something gratifying about seeing a lazy ex sweat and do a good days work ...lol. This has been GOOD for his recovery... he is now in contact with his strong recovery circle and is back in meetings.
Is he really going to make it... ???? I don't think so as I think he will lose sight of the ball again when it gets comfortable... what I am seeing now is that this is part of his core nature that the alcoholism makes life threatening. His recovery is still not the most important part of his lifestyle choices and I think he is someone who must stay very, very active in a recovery mode to keep himself reminded how easy it is to pick up a drink.
So... forget the alcohol for a minute. Is your A a strong person? Or is he weak willed? Does he have follow through or does he talk (quack) a good game that goes nowhere? Is he the kind of guy you want next to you if TSHTF ... tornadoe, flood, war, famine, sickness, etc????
I admit it... I have a bad picker. Always have. ACOA and highly controlling person. Thats me. So... I have to work on myself... I know my weaknesses and I am in recovery. I am BETTER ... I am HAPPY to be FREE!!!! And you can be too... get some distance and weather the chemicals in your brain and your hormones and it will get better. Detach... Detach... Detach!!! Pull the cord and jump!
Hugs and prayers to you... soldier on girlfriend!!!! You are not alone in the fight to be free!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Lotus having your boundaries and sticking to them is the best thing for you and having him feel the consequences of his actions is the best thing for him (but you know this I'm sure). Stay strong and keep us posted on how you are doing. Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Lotus..IMHO you are doing the right thing.
You might just be removing the pillow that his a** might find to cushion his fall. This could be the bottom that saves his life. Recovery is there, for the asking and taking for those who want it.
You might just be removing the pillow that his a** might find to cushion his fall. This could be the bottom that saves his life. Recovery is there, for the asking and taking for those who want it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Believe me, he will say anything to get his way, he is trying to manipulate you. If he wants recovery, he will go for it, whether you are there or not.
I know that you love him, however, all the love in the world cannot save him. Only he can do that, he has the power, you do not.
Don't go down with the ship, save yourself.
I know that you love him, however, all the love in the world cannot save him. Only he can do that, he has the power, you do not.
Don't go down with the ship, save yourself.
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