Shatoosh

I'm not sure what to do next. I moved out because of my AGF. I denied her drinking for too long and things just kept getting worse and worse. She wanted help but when it was time to get it she made a decision to go on vacation. That was my final strew. She said that she needed to get away. Now she's back and shocked that I moved out; this is the first time I followed through with the threat. I've been talking to her and I went to see her once. She is asking me to move back in so that I can support her. Part of me wants to but the other part thinks I need more time. She sounds like she really wants help. She is suppose to meet with a consular tomorrow. My family is very supportive and they want me to go away with them for 9 days. I feel bad leaving her but... I also kind of want to move back in when I get back but feel like I will be turning my back on my family. I originally said that I would only move back with her if she is seeking help. Don't know what I should do, should I give her more time so that she can prove to me that she is seeking help? I feel guilty about going away with my family to only move back with her when I return.

Spawn

My thoughts....
you did the right thing. Moving back would be a mistake. If she's serious about getting help wait and see if she does it. Right now I think you should take a little you time.

Shatoosh

Spawn, thank you for your thoughts. I think I'm set on not moving back in yet. Maybe after I return from my vacation. Do you think it's bad that I talk to her everyday? I don't want to cut her out completely and I want to give her a chance to get help.

dollydo

Go and enjoy your vacation. If she is serious about getting sober and recovery, she will join AA and not drink.

If it were me I would not move back in until her actions match her words. Recovery is not an overnight cure all, she will be in recovery all the rest of her life, it is just a matter of whether she is sober or not.

Read around this forum, there is a wealth of information at your fingertips.

m1k3

I think you will find that large number of us have experience with trying to have a relationship with an active alcoholic. It is not something that I would ever care to repeat. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

The 3 c's are a big thing here and for a good reason. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

She will get help only we she is ready to, with or without you.

What you can do is take care of yourself. Enjoy your vacation and then look at this through fresh eyes. A couple of weeks of no contact could be good for you.

Keep reading posting here as we really understand what you are going through.

Your friend,

Spawn

I don't see anything wrong with keeping in touch....just stand your ground on the living together.

Shatoosh

thank you for your kind words. This site will help me stay strong. I'm glad to have good friends and a great family. They are keeping me busy and to tell you the truth, I have been having a great time. If she was with me I would be worried and not enjoy myself. I feel different when I don't have to baby sit. She doesn't understand that I hurt and I need to heal. She thinks everything can go back to normal at a drop of a hat. Not that easy.

NYCDoglvr

Do not move back in!!! Go with your family. There simply isn't anything you can do or say that will affect an alcoholic's drinking. And, if he does get sober, he has to walk that road alone. He has a better chance if you're not here .... you're a crutch.

Spawn

Not to be a downer...but what if she doesn't change?

You can't help her this is something she has to do for herself.....and getting clean and sober takes time and work. Don't believe what she might say to get you to move back.....wait to see change.

Go on vacation....like I said have some you time.

Shatoosh

you are all right, i need to stick to my boundaries and not doing anything until I feel ready. I will go on vacation and enjoy myself and relax. I'll also use the time to think about MY future and what I want. Once again thank you, you have brought me strength on a day I was feeling weak.

marie1960

Shatoosh, Hugs to you))) By all means go on vacation. Enjoy yourself. Truly this is her problem not yours. She is a big girl. Her actions have spoken. She did not hesitate to go on vacation and avoid the issue when you were trying to address the issue.

I spent many years as the "babysitter" and it is no fun. It gets old. Just another reckless, selfish act on the Alcoholics part. No sooner than I would be having a good time, we would have to leave because somebody was stumbling around, (moderation was not in his vocabulary) making a scene, and of course i was embarrassed. I could just look at him and know we had to leave because he was getting ready to argue with someone about absolutely nothing. Why would you want this for yourself?

After returning from vacation, I personally would not move back in with her. What is the hurry? Take some time for you. Surround yourself with people that share a common interest besides booze. Educate yourself regarding this horrible disease. Read these posts, you will get a clear picture of what life is like with an Alcoholic.

You cannot save her, save you.............. Safe travels.....

m1k3

A little saying that you see around here that might help clear things up.

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

wellnowwhat

"I feel different when I don't have to baby sit."

Exactly!

Aim for a relationship where the balance is equal. And that may not be possible with this person.

Sylvie66

It really helps to take the time to determine what's normal for yourself. For me, it meant living apart from an active alcoholic. Had he been in treatment, and diligently pursuing recovery - I don't know. But he didn't, and he hasn't. My normal now is a cute 17yo waiting at home for pizza night and a long walk - with his mother!
You get to decide what your normal is.

- Sylvie

Shatoosh

Decided to update my post. I took my 9 day vacation. It was well worth it. Before I left I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I took the time to think about my future and my life. I've determined that even though I dedicated a lot of time in our relationship I don't want to be with her anymore. While I was on vacation it was easy to not think of her because I was staying busy. Now that I'm back at work it's hard to do my work and not think of her all the time. I know that I can't be with her anymore but I still miss her. I know it will get easier with time, it's just hard because part of me though we had a future but part of me always knew that it would be a hard life. Thank you for the advice.

Freedom1990

I promise it will get easier with time! I had a hard time after I left my EXAH, but time does heal.

I think you've made a wise decision on behalf of your own future, dear!

fulloffaith

Good for you! Glad you hAd a fun vacation. Staying apart is sad, especially when our minds trick us into remembering only good times, and positive traits. She is prob a lovely person, but she is sick. It is sick of us to try to create a reality that is based on fantasy. There are real, legit reasons you needed to break from her. Keep these in the front of your mind As you walk your own healthy path. Be strong!